Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Emails With An Exhibitionist


At the beginning of January, one of our strangers, Catherine, emailed me a link to an ad online of a guy I'll call "Jake" seeking an exhibitionist roommate who might be interested in hanging out with him naked at home. The ad quite meticulously described the exact candidate Jake was looking for. Needing something to keep me entertained during what is most definitely the most horrible period of the year (winter), I reached out to Jake. Below is our entire email correspondence:

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Ukrainian Appendectomy Podcast

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was going to be telling a story on The Porch. The event happened and was incredibly fun. The Porch is a show that takes place in Utah where story tellers come together and share a wide range of experiences--some funny, some inspirational, some sad, etc. As you probably guessed, I was invited to come share an inspirational story about overcoming adversity a humorous experience. So I had the occasion, before a very generous audience, to tell one of my favorite stories from my life: having a surprise emergency appendectomy in a forest in western Ukraine in 2004 (I'm really not kidding). It was great to meet some stranger readers there who came and supported. For those who missed it but desperately wanted to hear the story, I have good news! It was recorded and the surprisingly good quality podcast is found HERE. For those of you who missed it and didn't want to hear the story, I don't have any good news. Below are a few pictures from the night:

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Bod Pod

Because I'm spending an inordinate amount of time putting myself through torture for a mistake I made in October (i.e., signing up for the May Ironman), all so I won't drown/die of heat exhaust/fall off of a cliff while biking due to fatigue/turn against the world/etc., I have felt justified recently in self-indulging on all of the top 25 FDA's most toxic foods. My rationale, of course, is that since I'm burning what feels like 250,000 calories a day, I should be able to consume that many, in whatever form I would like, with no consequences. Sound fair? Admittedly, there is a slight chance that I have out-consumed my calorie burning. In fact, you would all disown me if you found out how much Ben & Jerry's Lard-Trans-Fat flavor ice cream I've had over the last several months, usually with a side of something equally depressing and always at an hour when only the creepers are still awake. And as we speak, I am eating hot chocolate powder out of a can with a large spoon. But no longer do I feel good about this behavior.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Yahoo! Answers

Today I decided to create a couple of Yahoo! accounts (qofcolors and janesnuggies) to go onto Yahoo! Answers and ask ridiculous questions to irritate people (how did I become this person?). What happened was very entertaining, especially the cat related questions. Below is a sampling of my results. More to come:

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Question 1: How can I alter my Snuggie to make it more fashionable?  I really enjoy the Snuggie for comfort but there seems to be some social stigma about wearing it in public. I'm just wondering whether anyone has any ideas for making it a little more stylish. PLEASE HELP!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

The First Eye vs. The Q of C

I had a horrific dream last night (the word "nightmare" doesn't quite do it justice). It involved the two creatures you have all come to know and love recently, but both of which are absolutely the most terrible things that I believe have ever been created other than Glee and sushi. The dream revolved around an upcoming epic battle between the Queen of Colors and The First Eye (in case you missed the description of The First Eye, click here). I'll spare you the details of why they were fighting and how they even knew each other--rest assured, it was all very complicated.  And in the dream, the battle never actually took place. There was just a lot of preparation and anticipation before I woke up in one of those half-screams-half-cries. But it's gotten me thinking all day today what would happen if those two forces of evil ever actually faced off. I'm still not sure who would come out victorious, but I did come up with a list of strengths and weaknesses that would factor into the whole thing:

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Ironman Woes

Before I rant and rave about my most recent rantworthy rave, I want to let those of you in or near the Provo area know that I will be telling my story of having major surgery in Eastern Europe on The Porch this Thursday (Jan. 12) at Muse Music at 8:00 PM. For the event page, click here. We would love to see/meet any of you who can make it.

Now to more important things: the ever approaching doomsday, May 5th, 2012. Several months ago, in a panic, I went through the 275 step process to register for an Ironman (I found it quite fitting that the registration process itself was like an ultra-endurance event--one which I felt like I deserved a medal of honor for completing). At the time I thought this was a fantastic idea, partly because May 5th seemed like an eternity away. I have the unfortunate habit of considering anything that takes place no sooner than two seasons in the future to be "an eternity away," which very tragically diminishes my ability to make good decisions at times of great pressure. For this reason I have committed myself to "survive" (the term I use instead of "run") multiple marathons and miserably endure several camping trips in my life. But the moment of panic that led to Ironman 2012 was unprecedented, as was the fruit of said panic (I think it may have all been part of an early mid-life crisis (I hope "early" is accurate)).

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The First Eye

This weekend the winds of strange blew me southwest to southern California and Mexico. My friend Dan and I decided sort of last minute to roadtrip our way to the land of tortillas (I'm really not kidding that freshly made tortillas in Mexico was responsible for about 82% of my decision to go). We left Thursday afternoon after a mad attempt to get my affairs in order.

The drive through southern Utah is one often full of great anxiety for me, mostly because of a creature my older sisters created in the late '80s to haunt and terrorize my childhood. Dear strangers, meet The First Eye.