Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Couchsurfer Emails III

I told Daniel that I was making a trip the U.S. next month.

Daniel: How long will you be gone.

Eli: About 2 weeks.

Daniel: Two whole weeks!?

Eli: Yeah. I'm sorry. Are you going to be bored and lonely?

Daniel: Are you kidding me!? [Huge grin] BEST TWO WEEKS OF MY LIFE!!!

And today, the next set of Couchsurfer rejections. Same deal as last time; I edited down some of the initial emails because they were long and boring. Enjoy!


From: Deanna
To: Eli
Subject: Palau

Hi Eli, could you host me in April? My dates are flexible. I would probably stay about 4 days. I really want to go diving.


From: Eli
To: Deanna
Subject: Palau

No problem. Would you like to make some quick cash while you're here? I run a business out of my apartment.


From: Deanna
To: Eli
Subject: Palau

What kind of business?


From: Eli
To: Deanna
Subject: Palau

20 dollars for a tooth.
5 dollars for your hair.
16 dollars for 2 pints of blood (must be clean to get the full 16 dollars!).
200 dollars for a kidney.

Also, if you happen to need a kidney, I know a guy and could get you one for $14,000.


From: Deanna
To: Eli
Subject: Palau

You buy kidneys for $200 and then sell them for 14,000?!


*****
 
 
From: Tanner
To: Eli
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
Hey I'm coming to Palau for a diving trip and need a host for a week in April. Could you host me at that time?
 
 
From: Eli
To: Tanner
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
I'm just going to have to think about this. Can I get back to you later? When would you like my decision?
 
 
From: Tanner
To: Eli
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
Could you let me know by next week?
 
 
From: Eli
To: Tanner
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
NEXT WEEK?! There's no way I could make a decision like this by next week. I haven't even done a background check yet! I think the earliest I'll be able to let you know would be May 15th. Will that work for you?
 
 
From: Tanner
To: Eli
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
Dude. My trip is in April.
 
 
From: Eli
To: Tanner
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
Oh, that would be a problem. For an extra fee I can expedite your review and get a decision by May 1st. Will that work for you?
 
 
From: Tanner
To: Eli
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
An extra fee? No. I need to know before April. How will it help me to know if I can stay at your place in April if it's already May?
 
 
From: Eli
To: Tanner
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
Ok. I can put your application through the super expedited process, which will get you an answer by today. But the super expedited process is a guaranteed decline. Are you sure you would like to do this?
 
 
From: Tanner
To: Eli
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
Yes. Thanks man.
 
 
From: Eli
To: Tanner
Subject: Diving in Palau
 
Decline.
 
 
*****
 
From: Todd
To: Eli
Subject: Host in Palau
 
Eli, would you be able to host me in May? I'll be coming to Palau and heading to some other islands.
 
 
From: Eli
To: Todd
Subject: Host in Palau
 
Oh Todd. You are an answer to my prayers! I have a few things that I desperately need to send back to the states and I see you are from L.A. Well that's exactly where they need to go! If you stay with me, would you mind bringing them back with you and delivering them to my sister?
 
 
From: Todd
To: Eli
Subject: Host in Palau
 
Shouldn't be a problem. What do you need brought back?
 
 
From: Eli
To: Todd
Subject: Host in Palau
 
You are a LIFE SAVER!
 
I've got a small piano. (Don't worry--I think the legs can detach. What was I thinking when I had this shipped by boat to Palau!? Cost a fortune!)
 
I also have about a dozen kitchen chairs that belong to my sister.
 
I have a few bags of cat food to send over (just 40 pound bags. Nothing too heavy)
 
And then if you still have room, I have a small Grandfather clock. I actually need this to go to my other sister in Detroit. You aren't planning on making a trip to Detroit soon by chance, are you? I would hate to make you go so far out of your way if you weren't planning on going there soon. My sister will be happy to host you there when you go drop off the clock. And good thing for you, this is NOT the sister with all the cats!
 
 
From: Todd
To: Eli
Subject: Host in Palau
 
Man that's not even possible. How could you think that that is possible?
 
 
From: Eli
To: Todd
Subject: Host in Palau
 
Sorry. The grandfather clock might be a little much. How about if you just take the piano and cat food? And a few of the chairs?
 
 
From: Todd
To: Eli
Subject: Host in Palau
 
I can't bring any of that stuff back. It's way too much.
 
 
From: Eli
To: Todd
Subject: Host in Palau
 
You disappoint me Todd. I'll find someone else.
 
 
From: Todd
To: Eli
Subject: Host in Palau
 
I doubt it.
 
 
 
*****
 
 
From: Natalie
To: Eli
Subject: Palau
 
Could you host me in May?
 
 
From: Eli
To: Natalie
Subject: Palau
 
Well I'm going to have to think about this. I don't want to have any twice up the barrel once down the side situations when you get here.
 
 
From: Natalie
To: Eli
Subject: Palau
 
I understand. Just let me know when you do decide please!
 
 
~It Just Gets Stranger




14 comments:

  1. hahahahaha that last one is the best!!!!!!!

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  2. The last one is pretty epic. Although, Deanna and I had the exact same reaction. I think you are SERIOUSLY underpaying people for kidneys, Eli. You're going to get shoved right out of the black market at that rate.

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  3. Hahahaha, "I understand." She is my favorite :)

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  4. All right, Eli, back to the "kidney" situation....seriously, that's a tidy profit. No, I don't want to sell my kidneys, but we can discuss the hair....I've been thinking about changing it anyway.

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  5. The grandfather clock was a bit much.

    Oh sweet Eli, I hope you get some laughs out of your shenanigans. Because I heard from my uncle Dick that if you only give and don't receive there is a pretty good chance that you'll turn into a giant chicken.

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  6. You should just say yes to a Couchsurfer for the period of time while you are in the states in order to throw Daniel into an agonizing situation.

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    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHAHAHA! DO IT! :-) And then let him blog for those weeks. ;-)

      On the other hand, he MIGHT decide he likes them better than you. THEN what would you do?!?

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    2. YES! It would be so perfect. :)

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  7. Darn! Anonymous up above totally stole my comment!

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  8. It's kind of amazing how many people are willing to stay with or host a stranger. I understand how it allows people to travel but..it's like hitchhiking, it's not worth the risk!!

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  9. Dearest Eli,
    I am posting this, which I hope you to find as hilarious as I, here for a more likely chance that you'd see it. It is in regards to your cranky post from the other day. I'll admit I'd fallen a bit behind, what with being so busy with school and the life I do not have.. You understand. Mayhap you will watch this and find it just as comical (:It's golden.

    http://youtu.be/GTstIEr4tDw

    Sincerely,
    Shyy

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  10. HA! "I understand..." that's great! That phrase really does work, nobody knows what it means so they just accept it and move on. I love it!

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  11. Bwahahaha..."I understand," Just. So. Awesome! lol

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  12. Looks like you invented a phrase used in a business meeting.

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130401170121AACILzp

    ReplyDelete