Monday, May 6, 2013

A Letter to the Married People


Dear Well-Meaning Married Friends,

I’m writing a letter today on behalf of all single people everywhere, past and present. The board of directors for the Singles Association of the World (SAW) got together and asked me to be the voice of the entire community to articulate an important message to you today.

First, we want to say that we love you. But there are some things we really need to bring to your attention. Because you don’t seem to realize what you’re doing. And sometimes what you’re doing is obnoxious. And we know that you don’t want to be obnoxious so we’re ready to be open with you and help you stop the behavior. So below, we discuss some of things that you could start working on.

We would like for you to please stop pitying us. We are all single for different reasons. Some of us are insanely more happy than some of you. Some of us are insanely more miserable than some of you.  Some of our happiness and some of our misery may be related to our relationship status, and some of it may be wholly separate from it. The point is, your life is not automatically better than ours simply because you’re married and we’re not. And we find it offensive when you act like you believe otherwise.


Some of you have started having children. We’re so happy for you! Unless they’re brats. In which case, we’re so sorry for your situation. And if you need an extra hand to slap one of them across the face at the grocery store, we’re seriously available to help. NOT THAT WE BELIEVE IN CHILD ABUSE OR ANYTHING. But, you know what we mean. We’re available. Call us.

What we’re trying to say is, we would still like to be a part of your lives, even though you have kids. We can like kids, even though many of us don’t have any. You can ask us to babysit. We won’t kill your children OR beat them, most likely. Some of us are probably crazy, so you shouldn't ask all of us to babysit. But just please make your reason for not asking us to babysit be something other than our lack of parenting experience. We can be a good presence in your children’s lives even though many of us are not parents. It’s ok to invite us to things and not limit your social circle to other people who have kids but are otherwise significantly less amazing than us. 

And even if you don’t have kids, we take it personally when you stop putting forth an effort to maintain the friendship as soon as you tie the knot. And don’t give us that, “ we've just been so busy!” business because we KNOW you haven’t been too busy to make new married friends. We've been watching what’s going on. We are getting so tired of having to emotionally prepare ourselves for the death of our friendships with you as soon as we find out that you are engaged. Why doesn't your relationship add a new friend to our social circle? Why must it only take away?

And please don’t give us that business about “it would be so much easier to hang out if you would just get married too!” That’s so insulting to us. We don’t like hearing that we alone are not great enough to motivate you to make our friendship a priority. And you will never hear us say that we could be better friends with you if you would just get divorced. Unless you’re married to some truly wretched, like Warren Jeffs, or Nancy Pelosi, or anyone from the cast of Glee, in which case, yes, we could be better friends with you if you would just get divorced.

And while we’re on the topic, you don’t need to feel the need to be responsible for our path to marriage. If you really really have someone that you want to set us up with and you have good reason to think we will be a match, then fine. Set us up. Some of us are feeling desperate some days. But your sole reason for setting us up better NOT be because we’re both tall. Or we both practice the same profession. Or the worst one: we’re both single. If this kind of match-making is indicative of the match-making process you went through for yourself, then we have much less respect for your relationship.

The last person you set us up with seriously made us wonder whether we have been over-valuing ourselves for all of these years. “THIS PERSON?!” we thought when we were halfway through dinner. “You thought we would be a good match for THIS PERSON?!” as we watched our date, whom we could smell from any area of the room, spit food out of their mouth while they talked relentlessly about their cats. Your belief that we could be happier with that person than on our own shows us that you have a serious misconception about our satisfaction level with life. Either that, or you seriously think less of us than we think of ourselves. Either way, there’s a big problem here.

We know that we do some annoying things, too. We know that sometimes we are inconsiderate of your need to get home at a decent hour. And sometimes we plan activities that we don’t realize are basically impossible for you to do with kids.

We are seriously so sorry. And we promise that we will stop doing those things if you will let us be a part of your lives. Because, and we’re not saying that it’s all your fault, unless you let us be a part of your lives, it’s kind of hard for us to understand what your needs are. So, yeah. We guess that we are basically saying it’s all your fault.

Please write back soon.

Love,

All of the single people who have ever lived in the entire world since the beginning of time

~It Just Gets Stranger

98 comments:

  1. Yes... Thank you for communicating the feeling of all single people right here Eli!! Especially like the part, "because we're both tall". People give me that all the time!

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    1. ^ She should date Daniel he is tall :)

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  2. Well speaking from my own situation, it was my single friends that abandoned me when I started having kids because I wasnt able to go out and party all night every weekend. Prior to having kids, being in a marriage didn't have any impact on my friendships. maybe this is something you should direct at YOUR married friends who you feel are neglecting you instead at the entire married world. that's all. please let us know when you're no longer cranky at us for being in a different situation than you. thanks

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    1. Same here, I think I was actually abandoned when I got married. Now we only seem to get together once or twice a year.

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    2. Get a babysitter, and then you'll still be able to party with your single friends.

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    3. Or... maybe anonymous can stop being afraid of children and occasionally toss in family friendly activities! I LOVE my kids more than I love any of my friends as terrible as that sounds. I'd give up any of my friends to spend time with them.... and yet there ARE days I'd sell my children just to have some girl time with my friends (0= It takes a really good friend to understand that we need a little bit of both because our family makes us happy... but so do our friends.

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    4. Yeah, I got dumped when I got married too. My hubby didn't...he still goes out with his friends...
      I keep inviting my single friends to meet me (just me) at Starbucks or for lunch or dinner, but they are "too busy."

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    5. But I DO think this was a very funny post, especially about the parenting skills thing.
      I actually think many childless single people or married couples are awesome babysitters because they are not worn down yet! They still have their complete mental faculties...

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    6. ^ Very true..LOL..

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  3. Eli, I am actually printing this out and snail mailing it to a couple of friends.

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  4. Know what you mean, Eli. By the way, I used to have a cat named Eli.

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  5. Dear immature single friend,

    Calling our kids brats and " joking" about slapping them across the face confirms our feelings about you babysitting. Also, when you get married and have kids, it's us that you will come seeking out.

    Our priorities changed and so have yours and they are different. That's fine.

    Love
    Your bitchy married friend that would rather deal with mature adults, single or married.

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    1. I dunno. My husband got slapped across the face by his father once (because he was slapping his sister for fun), and he considers it to be the best bit of parenting he's ever received.

      Also, seems like you aren't worth your single friends hanging around if you're going to have that attitude. I'm married, and I have plenty of single friends whom I don't try to set up with anyone. Because being single is a perfectly acceptable way to live your life. If you find someone, bully for you! And if you don't, you have way more money to spoil my kids with on their birthdays, since you don't have to be blood-related to be an aunt or an uncle.

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    2. HAHA Katherine! I love your response, being single I LOVED Eli's post but I do have quite a few married friends with kids even that have truly made the effort to remain friends even after getting married! And I'm ALWAYS saying that I have way more money to spend on them because lets be real who else am I going to spend it on!

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    3. You forgot "humorless" in your sign off.
      But seriously, if I see your kids running wild in the Walmart, they're going to get tripped.

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    4. Mark: You don't have kids do you? Believe me I've been tempted to trip my OWN kids when they are running in the store. But alas we really do like them and don't want them taken away from us so we refrain...

      Also, if you've never dragged yourself to the grocery store after cleaning the house, changing the kids six times, cooking dinner and making your boss happy all with the pressure of "am I screwing this family up?" hanging over your shoulders and worrying that your friends have forgotten you exist, you just don't get that sometimes the kids going a little hyper in the store and pissing a few people off is of very little concern.

      Mind you my kids are mostly well behaved and I have my limits (they aren't banchees) but I won't make them sit in the cart the entire time doing flashcards to make other people happy...

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    5. I was just pointing out how 'anonymous' was taking things a little too seriously (not to mention personally) but thanks for driving home my point. Even if it is in a minivan filled with your mostly well-behaved kids.

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    6. Don't take it so personally. Good grief, you obviously haven't been reading Stranger for long. If you had, you'd realize he doesn't want to slap your kids. It's his personality and if you don't like it, don't read it.

      You are probably in the group of married people he was writing to.

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    7. Wow Anonymous ("Bitchy Married Friend"). Nice value judgment about someone who wrote a humorous article that has made people smile. If you read anything else Eli posts, you know that he has no animocity. The letter is a satire on what a lot of single people sometimes feel when their friends slip away.

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    8. maybe joking about slapping other people's kids isn't the way to do it, I mean, it was Katherine's husband's DAD who slapped him, not some single family friend. there's a limit to humor. sad that that has to be pointed out.

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  6. It sounds as if Daniel got married and has been ignoring you....

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  7. The phone works both ways, Eli. Once up the barrel, twice down the side. Ok?

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    1. Haha right?! I seriously don't feel bad for your situation, Eli. I got married and all my single friends forgot about me. And not having any kids...my married friends don't want to hang out with me either. :P Although I did find the letter humorous ;)

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    2. Ashlee - I'm in the same exact situation. We should be friends :)

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  8. Seriously! The emotional preparation for death of friendships is a real thing! I get super excited when my best friends get engaged but its quickly followed by a selfish despair knowing that our relationship will never be the same again.

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  9. As a younger person, who is married with children...i have to say i agree with alot of what you said. I do not disvalue my single friends...but that being said, i can't hang like i would like to anymore. My 2 children are under the age of 5, and my husband works night shift. So unless my single friends volunteer to do a play date at the park with me (which never happens) it would also stand to reason that asking me to go to the club until 4 am but getting upset that i can't, is unfair. I think it goes both ways. I tell my single friends NOT to get married...but the friendship swings both ways :( -- alot of single friends stop inviting their parent/married friends for similar reasons. its unfortunate...and makes me sad.

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    1. Maybe we should be friends! I'm single and childless, but I'd much rather go to the park with my friend and her kids than go to the club until 4 am!

      You're right about it being tough in either direction. As the one without kids, I'd probably not volunteer or suggest an activity (you know your kids' preferences/interests/abilities better than me!) until after I had been invited to hang out you and them.

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  10. So I was once single... then married... then he was on the cast of Glee so got divorced... now single again. Having been on virtually all sides of this, let me just say - some things about being married are way better than being single, but being married to someone with different values is the crappiest thing in the world. What I have learned more than anything is that there is joy in every season of life and opportunities to serve others no matter who you are. To all my fellow singles out there - bad dates make for great stories. And to my married peeps - you know your kids love me the best.

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  11. I'm stuck in the middle...I'm single but single with three kids. So I don't fit in anywhere. Which is fine. I like where I am. I have friends who are widowed, single, and married. But most of all I'm extremely independent and don't need many friends.
    My biggest pet peeve is when my married friend whines and complains to me about how HARD marriage is then in the next breath turns around and tells her husband to go deal with the kids. I'm standing there like "HELLO?" Must be nice to have someone to team up with in raising the kids. AND she's a stay at home mom married to a guy who treats her great. Yeah...marriage must be rough. I left my ex because he was abusive to me and starting beating on the kids. I'm trying to come up with a funny/sarcastic comment to kindly let her know that I'm not the person to vent to about her 'hard' life.

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    1. I understand completely. It really gets under my skin every time my boss complains that she has to take care of the kids 'two whole days' alone when her husband is out of town. Boo hoo. I take care of my kids every day, every weekend all the time by myself.

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    2. two WHOLE days??? Bhahahhahahahahhahaha.

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    3. I get so sick of this always turning into a competition. "It is so hard to be married" , " it is so much harder to be single with kids" They are both freaking HARD. They both take work. And they BOTH have benefits. It's not a competition to see who has it worse. Everyone quit their complaing and try to see both sides. Sheesh.

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    4. Oh, no. Unless you are married to an abusive person, raising kids alone has got to be the winner here. Speaking as a work at home mom with a great husband. I am in awe of these superwomen and supermen!
      It is a constant, no, "Babe, watch the kids while I run to the grocery store (and while I am there I am going to buy some Ben and Jerry's and sit in the parking lot and eat it alone.)"
      My hat is off to you, single parents!
      Yes, marriage has its problems, but when you are solely responsible for children and their physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. Hands down, single parents rule!

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  12. Thank you Eli. I am single, and my married friends are always trying to find someone to set me up with. They don't seem to understand I don't need someone to make me happy, I am happy being single.
    As for the married folks who have commented, why is it assumed that if your single friends want to go out, it's to party till 4 am?

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  13. Hear hear! Amen! Hallelujah! Praise the heavens-somebody has said it in writing! WooooWeee! Holla!

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  14. THANK YOU! The litany of inappropriate set-ups by well-meaning friends was the WORST, from the 'roid-head (because we both like to "work out"), to the comic book store owner (because we're both short), to the random BO/runner/housesitter (because we were both liberal).

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  15. Amen!
    I really want to print off part of this letter and give it to my best friend. She is always trying to set me up with someone. It has only gotten worse since she just got married.

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  16. (That tall comment is hysterically true. Thank you for remembering the tall, single people of the world.)

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  17. I am married now, but I was single for many, many years before that. If you don't want to be set up, don't go on dates with strangers. I had a good married friend who wanted to set me up so badly that any single guy she met was a possible choice. It was pretty easy for me to ask her why she thought a particular person was a good match for me and most of the time she'd realize herself that maybe it wasn't a good idea. But also please don't assume that I make friends with other married people just because "hey, we're both married!" when you clearly recognize that "hey! we're both single" isn't enough reason for you to hit it off with someone.

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  18. I'm sorry that you've had a bad experience(s) with married friends. I LOVE being married. And I believe it's a normal, and very healthy, thing to leave behind single life and cleave to your spouse. You can still be friends, but it will be different. Sorry.

    Joking about slapping our children? Not funny.

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    1. Defender of Good HumorMay 6, 2013 at 11:45 PM

      Someone seriously needs to lighten up here. This letter is satire. And he spends an incredible amount of time writing hysterical things that brighten people's days at no cost to them. How about a little gratitude and a little less snotiness?

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    2. You know what I find sad about what you said "john and laura?" It sounds noble to invoke the "cleave to your spouse" language but it's actually a little selfish in this context because there are so many people in your life who need a friend and many of them will never be able to find someone or get married in their life and the attitude of married people who feel justified in "leaving the single life behind" and caring less about those people feels really hurtful.

      Funny post, by the way, Eli. You are a gem.

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  19. My former single self approves of this message.

    Yeah, being single sucked after a while, partly for endogenous reasons (loneliness, unstable support in trials) and partly for very, very exogenous reasons (of *course* we're not going to ask you to pray in Sacrament Meeting! Singles aren't real church members! Oh, hey, but you know, there is a ~`*SINGLES WARD*'~ that meets in the other building! Just so you know!).

    Recently married people suffer from novelty-induced distortion of perspective: They know on some level that their marriage isn't entirely composed of candied butterflies and rainbow-hued unicorn farts, but it's new problems rather than the same old ones, and that allows them to indulge the illusion that they don't actually have any problems at all. Some of them indulge it very annoyingly. Some of them spend half of their Sacrament Meeting talk testifying about their spouse instead of about Jesus, which you'd think would be a nice break from people testifying about veterans, handcart-towin' ancestors, BYU football, the Honda plant, etc. instead of about Jesus, but for some reason, no. Point is, their lives sometimes suck too. But the newlywed ones are never going to admit it.

    I'd comment on the whole "I am presumptively superior and mature *because* I am married" thing, but it looks like the thread is already getting an adequate demonstrahem, ahem, discussion of that.

    And the whole, "She's single ... you're single ... you have so much in common!" Gaaaah. The year I spent being set up with wildly mismatched dates by people in my ward was not any better than the year where I got hit on by more men than women. (Were those the same year? Um. Might have been.) Parts of it were better. Parts of it were worse. But what I needed as a single (and you seem to be saying this also) was human connection. That is not provided only by conspicuously and laboriously setting singles up with each other, and it is seldom provided well by that method. God bless the wiser people who welcomed me into their own lives, society, and families, who let me be part of a community. (And who also, sometimes, just plain let me be.)

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  20. Boy have I ever been on both sides of this letter.

    May I add for the singles:
    Please do not assume I have unlimited time and resources because I am not supporting a large family.

    And for the married with children:
    How come I only have to invite you into MY life? I've had you over like ten times, but when have you EVER invited my family to your place? Yes I realize it may be small and crowded but we want to experience your life too.

    Also, some days we pity, but some days were just plain jealous of your full night sleep, or your ability to be spontaneous. But that gives us no excuse to behave like jerks. We really are sorry.

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  21. Goodness. Eli is not going to actually go around slapping children in the grocery store. But we should all get offended over it anyway.

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  22. Thank you for posting this on behalf of all us single people. I cannot tell you just how many friends I lost because they got married. Let's just hope that all of the married people of the world will take time out of their "busy schedules" to read this.

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  23. Amen!

    I'm lucky with my current group of friends. Most of them are married, but still make room for me and almost never talk about my status. But college was a whole different story. Once people got married, it was like they ceased to exist.

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  24. Dear Married People:

    1. Chill about the slapping kids thing. We would never. Some of us have what we call "dark humor." We're sorry and we won't ever joke about that again. We love kids, but sometimes they scare us. Don't ask me to babysit (unless you're my sister, then of course I want to watch your kids--I love your kids).

    2. Sometimes the reason we don't call you to be in our lives is because you know what we're up to and because you've already been part of our lives we didn't think you needed a new kind of invitation. We don't know marriage and don't want to unduly "intrude" so we took a step back to let you adjust. You need to let us know when it's okay to call again--best way to do that, invite us back into your lives.

    3. Reread Eli's letter. Many of us really are happy. Many of us are okay being single. It's individual--dont' forget, you knew us once, you should know whether we want to be set up or not.

    --Another representative of SAW.


    ps.--eli i love you for this

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  25. Oh dear. Daniel didn't marry someone while you were away did he?!
    Putting all the crap aside, this post had awesome timing! Only with me, it's proposals and aunties trying to fix me up before I became too old! (not even 25 yet!). And the recently engaged/ hooked/ married friends and having to put up with their mushy/ sobby stories. I do want to find someone, but I hate being rushed because of the stupid 'peer' pressure and I want to enjoy the single days, but I hate how they can get into my mind and spoil it for me, when they make me worry about not having found a partner yet. Urgh!
    And yeah, My married cousins and friends, and their partners and kids drive me mad. I mean yes they're cute, but when bratty, yeah I do want to pinch them!
    Eli! Or Daniel. Marry me. Gah! :D The whole Asian thing would scare you two.

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  26. A letter to the single people,

    I agree with many of these points. BUT when you say that you don’t believe when a friend tells you that they have been so busy and aren’t appearing to make an effort to maintain the friendship I think there are a few things you aren’t considering.

    I think when you first get married it’s a real struggle to figure out how to balance time between your spouse and your friends. To complicate things, getting married means you instantly have twice as many family obligations. Sick of going to a birthday party every other week for your family? Well, I have to go to one every week because my family just doubled when I got married. And you can’t not go, because it’s family….I’m really bitter about all the freaking birthday parties if you can’t tell.

    I can’t speak for everyone, but most newly-weds are pretty painfully poor. I know that was the case when I got married. All the sudden going out to dinner with friends or seeing all the latest movies with a group of friends wasn’t even possible…. When I was single I had a lot of disposable income so I never thought twice about spending money to have a good time with friends, but that all changes when you are financially supporting someone else.

    Agree with you completely about setting people up on dates. I think the person doing the setting up isn’t invested enough. There should be some kind of contract that they have to sign, saying if it isn’t successful, they will reimburse both parties.

    -Andrea

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  27. SINGLE PEOPLE ALONE TOGETHER! UNITE!

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  28. Wow. Tell us how you really feel, Eli. ;)

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  29. Wow, this got heated quickly!
    Let me say that I am happily married with children and do not set people up. It isn't a good idea for so many reasons.
    I like you just the way you are, single, dating, married, in the circus.
    I am curious now about what triggered this post. I bet you have some hilarious dating stories.

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  30. Dear Single Stranger,
    You can slap my kids any time-I could use the extra hands.
    Fondly,
    Melissa

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    1. You are awesome, Melissa. The all-time favorites of my kid-enhanced friends are the ones that realize their kids are just as bratty as the ones at Walmart and don't try to pass them off as angels. Sadly, they are outnumbered by...the other ones.

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    2. Nicely said. I like your sense of humor

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    3. Melissa obviously gets this blog.

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    4. Step one in "Melissa's book of joyful parenting": Realize all kids are punks (who have moments of insane cuteness). Nobody wants to listen to someone else go on and on and ooonnnn about their happy life/kids all the time, it's barfy.

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    5. send 'em here! I'm the best Auntie in the world, but if there's slapping needed, I'm happy to help out! ;)

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    6. Senses of humor and charitable reading are not allowed on the Internet. Your connection will be severed immediately. It will be restored only after you present Remedial, Beginning, AND Intermediate-level certificates of completion in Tizzy and/or Hissy Fits.

      (You may test out of Remedial Hissy Fits if you have held a Special Unique Snowflake credential continuously for the last 18 months.)

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  31. Wow people, just....wow! Everyone constantly says how funny they think you are Eli, but apparently they don't get your sense of humour at all!!! I had a good chuckle personally! This was one way to thin out the herd, I believe your readership might just go down....lol

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  32. Everyone needs a good rant, Eli, single or married, so I laughed... especially at the slapping part because I get it... it is so ridiculous that Eli would actually slap a kid (didn't anyone see him with his nieces??). Except maybe Daniel. And he'd slap back. Can I watch that? Crud, now someone will be offended at me. Sheesh folks.

    Although... it did remind me a bit of a passage out of Bridget Jones' Diary books... singletons of the world unite! No, I'm not accusing him of plagiarism. So don't be offended at that either.

    Now I'm offended at all the offenses. Stomping off to my corner of the internet.

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  33. As a single guy I really appreciate this letter. And the timing couldn't be more perfect. I've been asked to sit on a relationship panel for a group at my church tomorrow night. I'm representing the Singletons. I guess, since I've been single for so long, I'm an expert. Honestly, I don't consider myself an expert. I'm really bad when it comes to dating and relationships. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night...

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    1. Bah ha ha ha! Nicely played!

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    2. LOL - nice!!!!

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  34. Although I 100% agree with this post, I feel sometimes you use stranger to be passive aggressive...

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  35. I love it! I'm going to share it on Facebook and listen to the married people howl. ;-)
    Clearly, you've struck a chord. Maybe they feel guilty. Which I'm okay with, as long as it shames them into remember how awesome we are....

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  36. I was recently messaged on facebook by an acquaintance with these exciting words:

    “There's a REALLY CUTE AND NICE guy I would love you to meet. His name is [Mr. Bullwinkle] and he's really, really nice. What do you think!? IM me if you are interested cute lady.”

    Maybe it was the lingering temptation to feel lonely living single in Mormon mecca, or maybe it was my insane curiosity, but this was my response:

    “I'm intrigued, for sure...”

    I feel like there should be some sort of help or handbook for moments like this… when perhaps our judgment may be compromised… or perhaps we know no better. Like a Public Service Announcement! It would go something like this:

    Hi there. Do you know a single person? Do you sometimes get the urge to play cupid? Or are you single yourself – and frequently get set-up by people you thought were your friends? We have a few tips for any who may find they answer positively to either of the above scenarios.

    For the Setter-Upper

    Remember this rule, above all else; The fact that two people are single does NOT mean that they are perfect for each-other.

    I know you were thinking to yourself: “But she’s so funny, and she’s smart and cute, it’s just… she’s so single it hurts me. … And he is single, and he’s REALLY CUTE AND NICE.” (In all caps and everything)

    In reality, the only thing you really see common between these two people is their marital status. It’s like pairing a Boeing 777 with a humming bird, because they both fly.

    Want to know what your single friends are thinking about while they suffer through painful blind dates that never should have happened

    “My friend must hate me. Or she’s blind. Maybe she’s blind and she hates me… Did I ever return her salad bowl?”

    “I’m insulted that he would think she is even remotely my type, I’m un-friending him on facebook right now as I pretend to listen to her ramble about her cats.”

    “*Internal sobbing*”

    “Next time I’m going to ask for more information before I agree to anything like this. ‘Loves family’ was a vague and generous translation for ‘He’s got 2 kids with 2 different women’”

    Rarely will your friends ever look at a failed set-up as anything less than insulting.

    For the Set-Uped

    A few tips from other single people:

    “Being single isn’t so bad, friend. Don’t let yourself think otherwise just because everyone you know thinks you should be with someone else. They mean well, they really do. Having been assimilated into the collective that is “marital bliss”, they just don’t want you left behind. Your resistance may seem futile, and yeah maybe it is, but don’t give up.” -- @SingleStarTrek

    “You are never desperate. You’re better than that. Being set-up doesn’t make you desperate. Rather is says great things about how trusting you are, and how adventurous you are, and how much you value your friends and their opinions.” -- @NievaTay90

    “Don’t blame your friends for making awesomely bad judgment calls on your future mate. That’s why God invented super-computers and match-making websites with streamlined technology that can fit you to another person in 78 different ways, for a small fee.” -- @gEekHarmony

    “…Then when things look really despairing, don’t assume the worst. Hang on to the knowledge that “your time will come”, and let that piece of wisdom keep you warm at night.” -- @Notreallysingle6

    Take heart. And set up responsibly folks.

    Cue dramatic music, fade to black.

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  37. Society dictates that you graduate high school, go to college, get a job, get married and have kids. Society has often been wrong. Marriage is an outdated legal and religious concept that promotes codependence.

    It takes nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to stand alone.

    -- Single, childless and happy.

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  38. "You should go out with my friend. He likes redheads."

    I'm sure everyone's shocked to hear that I didn't take him up on that!

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  39. Amen! As the only single one left in my group of friends, this sounds all too familiar. I did get lucky in the fact that one of my friends has made an effort to keep a friendship somewhat alive. Still--- this post is oh-so-true. Thanks, Eli! :)

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  40. I love seeing all the married people angry that someone single dare say the obvious ;)

    You are a star like no other Eli... True and pure GENIUS.

    Instead of wedding gifts I am just going to gift this blog post and remind those silly married people just where their priorities should be.

    :)

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  41. a-freaking-men! I tell people that all the time too! They are like i want to set you up with so and so. And then I ask why they think we woudl get along, because both of us being single is not good enough! sing it sista. (your not ghetto enough for me to call brotha)

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  42. People are totes confused! They just need to understand that you don't judge, you just help.

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  43. This made me LOL. I have experienced all of the above mentioned scenarios. I have discovered that the ones that are worth keeping around (the married people) are the ones who make an effort to stick around even though I am single and they are married with children dominating all of their life and time. There are some good ones, I promise, who don't try to set you up at every turn and tell you they're jealous of all the fun your having. I have definitely had other that have dropped me like a hot potato as soon as there was a ring on their finger. I could care less about them. We were never gonna make it anyways. I'm over it. haha

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  44. i know EXACTLY where you're coming from, eli. i've felt this in my own life, being 33 and unmarried. however, i will say that my real friends, the ones who have stuck by me through thick and thin will always be that way, no matter how many kids they have and no matter how long i'm single. marital status does not change how we feel about each other. i'm surrounded by too many other good people (married and single) to worry about the people who pity me, who are condescending about my life and its value, or set me up with men named digger (who at 30 was unemployed, lived at home, and couldn't button up his shirt correctly) just because we're both single. find the keepers!

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  45. I think some of this post is fair and some not. The part about the bratty kids and the setting up of friends is usually true I think.

    I am married, no kids. And to invite a single friend to do something, even something benign like mini golf or something, it's awkward. They are clearly the third wheel. I'd like to be able to give my husband a hug or a quick kiss and not have to worry about you being uncomfortable. Also, having couple friends, you can split off into pairs, not everything has to be a group conversation (which for introverts like me is kind of tiring).

    Now, I don't have kids, but I do know that once you do, your priorities change. No argument. You are now living for your kid, for what is best for your kid. This is why I'd rather bring my kid to the playground or for a play date than over to your apartment where he won't have anything to do (unless I provide it). It's not about you. It's not about me. It's about the kid.

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  46. loved this post. to the parents freaking out about Eli mentioning "slapping children" you need to read Jonathan Swift "A Modest Proposal" and learn that this is considered satire and decide if eating babies is worse than slapping babies.

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  47. Guilty as charged. Married, kids, you know. I don't have a lot of single friends, especially not that I spend much time with. Geographical distances have done most of the severing of those ties (especially from high school and college when I was still single), and I've never been one of those "connectors" who is so good at keeping tabs on people (thank goodness for facebook, amiright?!) But as my situation changes, a lot of people, married and single, kind of fall by the wayside. Does that mean that the time I was what we'd call ACTIVE friends with them matters less? No. In that period where we were close, hanging out, playing games, swapping movie recommendations, and so on, those people were key to my life. But I think that people change a lot more quickly than we give them credit for, and after a move or graduation, it gets insanely hard to keep people in my life when we just don't have those same elements that drew us together before. Maybe that's just me.
    Marriage changes people. Clarifying Example: A lot of my single life was devoted to video games; my wife's not at all (I know, so stereotypical!) While my wife is usually a good sport, I know it's not her favorite activity, so I find myself spending less time with those video game friends. I'm not saying this to defend inconsiderate married person snobbery, but the goal (for me anyway) is to act as a unit, taking into consideration the feelings of 2 people rather than just 1 for each activity.
    Throw the kids in there and things can get downright impossible. I'm not sure whose idea that was. (yes I do, it was hers).
    Anyway, what I got on here to say is that I'm guilty of trying to play matchmaker. It's like this temptation that I know I should avoid but that I just CAN'T sometimes. If I can just try to explain myself, I'd say that most of the single people I know (if not all) at one point in my relationship with them have expressed interest in marriage or its equivalent. I'm not trying to subvert them and assimilate them, but trying to help with a life goal that we've stayed up late into the night talking about in the past. I'm not approaching this from a sense of pity or from the conception of singledom as undesirable, just that neither of us planned on it being permanent.
    However, I KNOW that just "being married" does not suddenly qualify me to play the matchmaker (hey, if I can do it, ANYONE can, right?). I can definitely see that as a source of resentment if that's the main motivation. I would mildly suggest that you should regard being set up by a married friend the same as if they were single. The main reason that married people should refrain from the activity, at least in my case, is that the pool I have to draw from for such recommendations is vastly smaller - and therein lies the allure! When looked at on a smaller scale, the hook-ups are way easier, the same way a 10-piece puzzle is way easier than a 1,000-piece puzzle. I may feel so certain that two people would be compatible - because of all the possible pairings among my acquaintances, they really are the best fit. Lucky for them they have other options.
    I've gone on way too long. I have really scaled back my eagerness to set people up, I promise. And thank you for the encouragement to bring those single folks more fully into my life. Though hanging out with me and my kids might sound like a boring activity compared to the glamorous fun-filled lives that movies, TV shows, and massively distorted memories lead me to believe my single friends are living, it's good to know that you're still interested in being friends. (not you personally, but those you represent, unless you are personally, in which case you can come hang out whenever. I have a sister I could set you up with...)

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    Replies
    1. Brian, your puzzle piece analogy is pure gold! I'll come over in an hour with a scrabble board and an unlimited amount of attention!

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  48. Eli... I too felt this way when I was single and so after getting married and having a baby I have made every effort to stay in close contact with all of the many single friends that were there for me through the good and bad...and even the married ones who set me up on all those uncomfortable blind dates. I loved this post because even though I've been married for 3 years I still feel the sting of the loss of friendships and the humiliation of failed blind date after failed blind date...Thank you for always telling the truth laced with unbelievable humor... PS G-Mac called she wanted me to ask which of the cousins you find most attractive... she wants to set you up... sincerely your favorite cousin Shelby

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  49. If it weren't for a little age difference, I would move to Palau and marry you!!! I've read every single post on this blog and I feel like your close friend that just lives far away...
    - Future BYU law student
    p.s. You have the most attractive freckles in the world... :)

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  50. Wow, what brought that on?

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  51. Um...Nancy Pelosi is actually pretty cool.

    I'm with you on Jeffs, tho.

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  52. I love you, Eli. This is pure gold. You are pure genius.

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  53. I'm surprised this post doesn't have oodles of "You can always marry me and get out of SAW" posts. I would offer but I love cats, and Glee.






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  54. I graduated from college and got married at the same time that my single friends all graduated, got jobs, and moved away. Therefore no single friends remained outside of fb and my husband and I basically had to start a whole new friend circle cause we lived too far away from our other friends.
    Also, after we finally made married friends we had a baby and they all dropped us. We're back at square one again... anyone want to be friends with a boring married couple with a 5 month old? we can play games until 9 ;)
    Lastly, in defense of set-ups, BEING MARRIED IS FREAKING AWESOME AND WE WANT YOU TO HAVE THAT TOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :D

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  55. Then again the married people could really care less about us single people since their life is so very Complete.

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