Wednesday, June 11, 2014

My Mom is Calling Me

A quick reminder--I'll be telling a story on The Porch this Saturday in Salt Lake City. I think the show starts around 9:00 PM. We'll be at a venue called Trackside (510 W 200 N). Here's the tickets link.

I'm not even sure what day we're on anymore of Jolyn's "I'm just staying for the night" visit. And let me be clear: she didn't just make that promise at the beginning of her stay. Every single day she reiterates, "I'm just staying here tonight."

Example 1

Eli: Jolyn, could you help me move some furniture tomorrow?

Jolyn: Oh you know I would. But I'm just staying here for the night.

Example 2

Eli: Jolyn, I HAVE to tell you what just happened to me!

Jolyn: Oh Eli. I would love to listen. But I just don't have the time. You see, I'm just staying here for one night.

Example 3

Jolyn: Hahahahahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Oh, you're too kind. But really Eli. I'm just staying with you for one night and then I really must be on my way.

Eli: . . . uh . . . I didn't say anything.

Also, Jolyn has been doing this new thing lately where she abruptly exits conversations when I start talking to her. Usually she does this when I press her for more details about what "I'm just staying here for the night" means. She does this two ways. First, when she's feeling particularly lazy, she just pretends to fall asleep while I'm in the middle of talking to her. And not like the dozing off kind of sleep. Like full on narcolepsy with dramatic snoring.

The other way she exits conversations with me is by pretending like her mom is suddenly calling her and she has to answer. But her mom never "calls" her on, say, a phone. It's always, nonsensically, on whatever object is near her at the time. 

So, for example, I will be in the middle of showing her where one can take the garbage out when the bag is full and she'll suddenly pick up a shoe that's sitting on the ground, put it to her ear, and say, "mom? How did you get the number for this shoe?"

I've seen her do this with: her necklace, a coaster, a chair, a doorknob, a peanut M&M, and dozens of other objects.

I'm not totally sure how I end up in these situations but I think it has something to do with karma. See the first 30 years of my life for why.

~It Just Gets Stranger

25 comments:

  1. Daniel must be enjoying this.

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  2. Next time pick up a random object near you and say something along the lines of, "No this is Eli. I can't believe you thought I sounded like your mom! Speaking of her I'm sure she's also wondering how long this one night of staying here will last..."

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    1. PLEASE do this and tell us what happens!

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    2. This is one of my favorite comments in Stranger history.

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  3. Awesome. Just Awesome. I might like Jolyn better than you.....Not better than your hair, though.

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  4. I think you end up in situations like this only for our benefit. I think in your mind you're like "if Jolyn moves away....WHAT STORY AM I GOING TO TELL THEM!!!?!?!". So you keep getting yourself into these situations just so that you can post something and we can say how witty you are and tell you your hair looks good and OMG WHAT IF PAUL SIMON!

    And hey, we appreciate it. Thanks.
    (◑‿◐)

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    1. Everything I do is for my hair. And Paul Simon. Everything.

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  5. Hum...we can't really call this a "living in sin" roommate situation because she's not "living" with you. Can we call it the One Night Stand Roommate instead?

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  6. Ahh Karma... That Earl guy was really on to something... Maybe you need to make a List?..

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    1. Fantastic idea! I can't wait to hear what Eli's list looks like.

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  7. I think Jolyn might be my spirit animal.

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  8. This has nothing to do with this post.. but I saw Daniel running in Liberty Park last night. I followed that tall drink of water around for an extra lap. Does it still make me a stalker if I kept a safe distance?

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    1. If it was more then 50 yards, then you're good to go.

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  9. Um, yuck. I think Paris is calling.

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  10. Am I the only one annoyed by Jolyn? I think I would have changed my locks by now! Or, at least demand she bring Paul Simon with her!

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    1. Umm, yup, you're the only one! I think she's hilarious. :) Lighten up a little!!!

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  11. You know, I'm starting to wonder if Jolyn, Rebecca, Daniel, and possibly Disney Prince Hair Brandt planned this whole thing as a terrible, terrible 30th birthday present for you...

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    1. That wouldn't surprise me at all. Although I'm pretty sure if anybody planned this, it's not necessarily any of these guys... ahum ahum QoC ahum...

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  12. Am I the only one disappointed that this post wasn't about Cathy?

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  13. Erm... Is the shoe a garbage room shoe or apartment shoe?

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