Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Because WHAT IF PAUL SIMON!?

So yesterday was a national day of mourning because YOU GUYS!!! PAUL SIMON!!!

Don't worry. He didn't die (for those of you who don't have "Paul Simon" as a Google news alert, which, by the way, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!).

Y'all! He got arrested! AND I DON'T EVEN SAY "Y'ALL!"

I wasn't supposed to know about it because one Stranger very thoughtfully tried to protect me from this information.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Daniel's Laundry Intervention

Daniel flew into Salt Lake City today. He'll be here for only 24 hours. I picked him up at the airport and drove him to my house. My sister, Krishelle, came over for Sunday dinner.

Daniel: Eli, does Rebecca do your laundry?

Eli: No. She's the worst person who has ever lived. She doesn't do my laundry and she makes gluten free shakes every day and tries to convince me they taste just like ice cream. And I fall for it every time and have to throw up into the sink.

Daniel: I'm confused. If Rebecca isn't doing your laundry, who is?

Eli: I don't know. I just pick up clothes off of the floor every morning.

Krishelle: Wait. What? So you don't wash your clothes?

Friday, April 25, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Good day, my children. One week from tomorrow I'll be racing the half Ironman in St. George. And when I say "racing" I mean "crying at." And when I say "St. George" I mean "Hell on Earth."

At least my hair will look super good. Maybe I shouldn't wear a helmet on the biking portion.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions.
My morning walk to the office.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Easter Egg Hunts are Basically Just Cleaning

On Saturday night I was out relatively late. Don't tell Bob and Cathie. And NEVER YOU MIND what I was doing! None of your business! My personal scandals shall stay personal!

Ok. Fine. I fell asleep on a friend's couch watching something called "Untold Stories from the ER" on TLC. But when I woke up it was so late that the program seemed to have taken a much seedier turn. And then I checked and found out that it wasn't the same show that was on when I had fallen asleep but was a new one called "Sex Sent Me to the ER." And I was outraged by the moral degradation of society so as soon as that episode and the next one and the one after that were over, I turned it off in an indignant huff!

By the way, it probably didn't erode my mind that much to watch the show because most of the stuff they were talking about went way over my head. Because apparently Jon Scoville did not teach me as much about sex at scout camp in 1997 as I initially thought.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Descending and Climbing

Every day that passes I get a little more freaked out about my future. This is because the part of my future that is freaking me out is starting to feel more like the present.

You guys. Remember how I'm doing the Ironman again? Remember how this is all completely your fault since you were supposed to stop me from doing this and encourage me to eat ice cream instead? Remember how I've been there for you at every significant moment of your life but the ONE time I needed you to be all, "Eli! Close that computer right now and don't you DARE register for something you are just going to complain about for the next year!" instead you guys were watching tv and not paying attention to me?

I bet you were watching Glee. I believe that Glee is somehow responsible for all of this.

Well, sadly, the St. George Half Ironman is NEXT. FREAKING. WEEK.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy Good Friday, all. I hope you have some nice weekend plans that involve bathing your cats with your tongues. Unless you don't have cats, in which case you can borrow one from a neighbor. Or find a stray cat from the streets. Because the stray ones probably need it the most. I'm very tired. Is this making sense? I need to start going to sleep again.

I realized that I had only sucky pictures this week on my phone so instead of sharing pictures that I took, I'm just going to give you a small sampling of the Snapchats I got from Daniel and Jolyn this week. Enjoy this week's Pictures and Distractions:

I'M GETTING ATTACKED IN THE STREETS

Last night I was in bed at a decent hour, proud of myself for having the self-discipline to get some sleep.

[Ring ring]

Eli: [groggy voice] hello?

Rebecca: I'M GETTING ATTACKED IN THE STREETS!

Eli: Who is this?

Rebecca: YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS. I need your help.

Eli: Rebecca, did you lose your freaking keys, again!?

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Under the Sink

Last night living-in-sin roommate, Rebecca, and I returned home from Seder. (We apparently think we're Jewish. Shalom!).

It was late and I just wanted to go to bed. You guys. I need to tell you something that isn't a very nice thing to say. Sometimes it's kind of hard to live with Rebecca.

Don't get me wrong. Rebecca is the best roommate I've ever had.

BESIDES DANIEL OF COURSE!

Let's everybody calm down. I feel so on edge when I make references to Daniel because I know I'll suffer the wrath of the Strangers if anything I say could be construed as an attack on him. This is the first time I've ever seen a grown man have tens-of-thousands of protective mothers all at once. AND I'M JEALOUS!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Off to See the Wizard

Maybe it's because I'm turning 30 next month (WHAT?!!??!) but I've been a lot more reflective recently about the direction my little ol' life has gone. And lately I keep finding myself caught up in feeling disappointed because of the things that I've missed throughout my 20s.

I think everyone can probably relate. Everyone is missing something that they've always wanted. Or something that they've always thought they were supposed to have by now. For me, that something has a lot to do with family. As I've seen my friends and peers get hitched and pregnant and sink away into a life of fulfilling family time, I've found myself feeling a little empty. And sometimes sad. I think about the connections my friends have had with their spouses and children. Connections that they've all been building for many years now. Connections that are absent from my life. Disappointingly absent from my life.

And I keep banging my head against the wall, frustrated in the years that have been wasted as I've navigated unsuccessfully through thousands of decisions that have left me turning 30, all by myself.

Then last week I caught part of the Wizard of Oz. It's one of my favorite movies. And I caught it just at the right time because I was able to skip all of the depressing Kansas parts and the psychedelic Munchkin Land sequence.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Last night I hosted the weekly Survivor party at my place (is anyone out there watching Survivor?). I'm trying to turn the party hosting into a cutthroat competition by having good food available and sucking up to all of the attendees by complimenting their hair. Mr. Disney Prince Hair (Brandt) and I alternate hosting it and every week great efforts are made to outdo the last attempt to win the affections of others.

So yesterday I decided to make banana bread. Living-in-sin-roommate, Rebecca, who swears that she can't eat anything that is considered "food" by respectable society, mentioned that I could try to make this bread gluten free. She then pulled out what I now believe was just sawdust and suggested that I replace the flour with it. So I did as she asked.

Is there a disease where your body can only process foods that have gluten in them? Because I think I have that.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
From my bike ride this week up the canyon. I almost died of overexertion getting to this point. Please tell me the Ironman is going to be all down hill.  

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Rebecca's Allergies

Just now my living-in-sin roommate, Rebecca, and I were sitting in the apartment working.

Rebecca: I'm allergic to something.

Eli: Ok . . . do you want to talk about it?

Rebecca: What is this couch made of?

Eli: You think you might be allergic to my couch?

Rebecca: Don't look at me like that. Allergies are a real thing.

Eli: Oh. Right. Like your wheat "allergy?"

Rebecca: For the last time, THAT IS A REAL THING!

Monday, April 7, 2014

St. George Misery

This weekend Brandt (AKA Mr. Disney Prince Hair) and I ventured south to the magical land of St. George Utah. We thought this was a good idea because the half Ironman in St. George has somehow become only four weeks away and we thought the trip would give us an opportunity to check out the course. Also, I hoped that I could get some of my the-last-time-I-was-here-I-almost-drown-in-the-lake anxiety out of my system.

We showed up on Friday and arose bright and early Saturday to attempt a swim. I busted out Larry the wetsuit (he says "hi" by the way). We peacefully wandered down the dock. Put on our goggles. Did some arm stretches because that's what other people were doing. And then jumped into the water.

WHY THE HELL MUST ALL WATER BE SO COLD?!

Encounters with Strangers

You guys, I have a million things to tell you. I feel like we are so behind on one another's lives right now. There's so much gossip floating around in my head. But I don't have time to tell you all of it right this second because RESPONSIBILITY.

Responsibility is THE WORST.

Today I'll leave you the video of last Thursday's story on The Porch. A big thank you to my good friend Kyle who came and recorded it. Normally Jolyn does this with a camera from 1946 but Jolyn is on thin ice right now from the whole Star Wars April Fools' Day prank so I asked Kyle for assistance. He's 1,000 times more responsible than me or Jolyn so it was probably a good choice anyway. And to Jolyn's credit, she sat right next to him the whole time and didn't even sabotage his attempts or try to ruin anyone's lives forever.

We had her checked for illness immediately afterward.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

April Fools' Day

Jolyn Metro is the worst human being who has ever lived.

Yesterday afternoon I had noticed that things seemed far too quiet for April Fools' Day. Nothing had really happened. No mention of the holiday. No terribly mean pranks to basically ruin my life. Nothing.

And then, sometime around 3:00 PM, I received a text message.

"May the force be with you."

It was from a number I didn't recognize. I thought this was odd. But I was busy and not really in a place to deal with it and try to convince the person on the other end to go halfsies on couple Snuggies.

The Law Firm

I will be telling a story on The Porch Thursday evening in Provo. If you're interested in joining us, you can find tickets and information here. If you do come, be sure to say hi and compliment my hair and outfit.

I was just thinking about how one year ago this month I flew from Palau to the United States of God Bless America for a quick trip to interview with the law firm at which I now work. My suit didn't quite fit because of all of the Palau weight that I had gained so I didn't button up my pants. I used my belt to hide this fact.

I was tired from the 36 hours of travel and the 17-hour time difference I experienced having come from Palau. I was cold and my skin was drying out faster than all of the moisturizers in the world could possibly combat.