Monday, June 30, 2014

The Porch: Korean Bathhouse

It's a happy day. We finally got the video from the most recent show at The Porch uploaded on what the kids are calling "the Youtubes." A huge thanks to Jolyn for filming it and Kyle for uploading it. You two are the wind beneath our wings and we love you with every fiber of our beings. Please get together and make babies already so this world can finally know perfection.

Also, it's a sad week for the United States of God Bless America. Jolyn Metro is abandoning our great nation to frolic somewhere in South America for the summer. AND ON OUR COUNTRY'S BIRTHDAY OF ALL TIMES.

I don't remember where she's going. All I know is that she's going to be gone for way too long. Why do all the people who live in my house immediately flee the country?

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Cathie



Conversation with Cathie on the Phone

Cathie: Son, how are you?

Eli: Doing fine. How are you?

Cathie: Well not great.

Eli: And why is that?

Cathie: WELL. I happened to read your blog and you made me sound like a monster.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

First of all, I know that none of you have been able to sleep because it's been almost two weeks and I still haven't uploaded the video from The Porch. Jolyn graciously recorded it and Kyle has been working on getting it uploaded but he is having major technical difficulties with what the kids are calling "the youtubes." We hope to get things worked out next week. SO LET'S EVERYONE CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER.

Also, thank you for all the wonderful advice and support this week concerning what I'm trying to make the most dramatic break-up of all time. Also, the multiple comment threads emphatically arguing over my sexual orientation, as always, were very helpful to me in determining how I feel inside.

But I thought I told you already: my heart belongs to Paul Simon. And burritos. And cheesecake. And my own hair. If that makes me gay, THEN SO BE IT.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
Yet another selfie with Ms. Hannah at Lagoon.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

How to Move On

I could use the collective wisdom of the Strangers today. Because I am turning into a crazy person. And I don't want to turn into a crazy person BECAUSE WHAT IF PAUL SIMON?!

As I may have embarrassingly announced a few days ago, I might have been brutally kicked to the curb last week. Ok. It actually wasn't all that dramatic. The conversation was more like this:

Heartless: I don't want to date anymore.

Eli: BUT WHY?!

Heartless: Because I don't have feelings for you.

Eli: GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON YOU ARE DUMPING ME!?

Heartless: Because I don't have feelings for you.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

How Not to Get Dumped

Sometime in the last few days:

Friend: Eli. Thank you for finally letting me in to your apartment.

Eli: Thanks for pretending to be Paul Simon so I would.

Friend: I'm here to have an intervention with you.

Eli: Why do I have the feeling you're about to confront me about something?

Friend: Probably because I just said "I'm here to have an intervention with you."

Eli: Oh. Right.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

It's been kind of a hard week here in Strangerville. Didn't someone promise once that after you turn 30 everything goes exactly how you plan for the rest of your life? I swear I read that once in the Bible. Or a fortune cookie or something. Or on the side of a bus.

Wherever it was, IT WAS A LIE!

I hope I didn't hear it in an episode of Glee. I don't want to think that Glee can give false information.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
Mr. Matt sketching at Art Night.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Feeling Better

A while back I had a pretty bad experience. I found out that some people I cared about deeply had been dishonest with me in ways that really mattered. It was incredibly hurtful.

I quickly ran through several intense emotions. I felt beat up. I felt mistreated. I audibly asked, to no one in particular, why someone I cared about would choose to behave this way.

Then I cried. More than I care to say. And once the tears stopped flowing for sadness, they started flowing for anger.

I was angry over the loss that I recognized was my new reality. I was angry that I had let myself become vulnerable enough to make this pain possible. I was angry that no response to what I was experiencing seemed all that helpful. And I was angry that I felt like I had to just deal with all of this emotion completely on my own, for fear of "gossiping" or making the situation any worse.

Monday, June 16, 2014

As Quickly As She Came

Sunday morning.

Eli: Where are you going?

Jolyn: Who? Me?

Eli: Yes. You. The only person here with me.

Jolyn: Oh. I'm just heading out for a minute.

Eli: I see. And why do you have the suitcase?

Jolyn: Oh this old thing? I take this with me EVERYWHERE I go. Everywhere.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy Friday, all. Tomorrow night (Saturday) we'll be at The Porch here in Salt Lake City. The show starts at 9:00 PM (DON'T WORRY! IT'S NOT A SCHOOL NIGHT!). I hope to see some of you there. Tickets and info link is here. Also, here's the Facebook link in case you want to see a very awkward picture of me from a prior show.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
My love/hate relationship with my niece continues as she refuses to talk to me while waiting in a line at a local theme park.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Mormons Be Talkin'

The Mormon world is abuzz this week at the announcement that two high-profile church members are apparently facing church discipline. For those unfamiliar with how this works or why this matters, I'll attempt to give a very brief and hopefully accurate explanation for what this means.

The church is very organized. It holds actual records of anyone who becomes a member of it. To become a member of the church, a person has to agree to live according to certain rules, which qualifies the person for baptism, the actual act that triggers official "membership." These rules include things such as agreeing not to drink alcohol or use illegal drugs as well as some less-defined obligations like be kind to others and attend church meetings "regularly." Church membership gives the person an opportunity to serve in various capacities within their local congregation. There are also spiritual benefits that church members believe they receive through their membership.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

My Mom is Calling Me

A quick reminder--I'll be telling a story on The Porch this Saturday in Salt Lake City. I think the show starts around 9:00 PM. We'll be at a venue called Trackside (510 W 200 N). Here's the tickets link.

I'm not even sure what day we're on anymore of Jolyn's "I'm just staying for the night" visit. And let me be clear: she didn't just make that promise at the beginning of her stay. Every single day she reiterates, "I'm just staying here tonight."

Example 1

Eli: Jolyn, could you help me move some furniture tomorrow?

Jolyn: Oh you know I would. But I'm just staying here for the night.

Monday, June 9, 2014

BYU Crushes

So one Stranger, Cambry, just sent me a screen clipping of the below thing, informing me that I'm on some Facebook Page called "BYU Crushes," which is followed by thousands and on which people can anonymously post about their crushes. Apparently you click on the Google docs link at the top of the page and write the name of the person on whom you have a crush, including a small accompanying message, and then the administrator of the page posts that message on BYU Crushes. This one happened today:

Sunday, June 8, 2014

A Little Look Back

Exciting announcement: The Porch invited me back to tell a story this Saturday evening in Salt Lake City. We've escaped Provo! We'll be at a venue called Trackside (510 W 200 N). I'll have time and ticket info later this week. Would love to see some of you there.

A few days ago I was thumbing back through some older posts on Stranger. I do this every once in a while for the sake of taking some little walks down memory lane. It's also interesting to see how my writing and perspective has changed. AND HOW MUCH BETTER MY HAIR IS GETTING!

I clicked on a post from a little over a year ago and gasped when I scrolled to the bottom and saw the pictures. This one in particular surprised me:

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

We are now on day eight or so of Jolyn Metro's "I'm just going to stay tonight" visit. Today I asked her what her weekend plans were.

Jolyn: Well I'm not sure. See, I'm just staying with you for the night, so I need to figure out where I'm staying tomorrow.

Eli: You're not staying here tomorrow?

Jolyn: Haha. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Eli: But you just said--

Jolyn: Did any mail come for me today?

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
My little niece Kate graduated preschool. I wish all graduations were this entertaining. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

An "Overnight" Guest

Sometime Last Week

Jolyn: I need to be out of my place soon. Can I come stay with you for one night while I'm in transition?

Eli: I feel like this is a trap.

Jolyn: Kthanks! I'll be over in a minute!

A Terrifying Minute Later

Jolyn: Moving all my stuff in is HARD WORK.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Bob and Cathie Intervention

A Conversation with Bob and Cathie about being a Grown Up

Cathie: Son. Did you really get a speeding ticket a few weeks ago?

Eli: How did you guys hear about that!?

Bob: You posted it on your blog. For the whole world to see.

Eli: THE WHOLE WORLD CAN SEE THAT BLOG!? I THOUGHT IT WAS A PRIVATE JOURNAL!

Cathie: We wish it was a private journal. At least then social services wouldn't be coming after us for things that aren't even true.

Eli: Hold on, Cathie. What have I said in my blog that isn't even true?

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Fourth Grade Science Time

I was a pretty weird kid when I was 10. Also a weird teenager from ages 13 to 18. Probably more accurate to say that I was a weird teenager from 13 to present.

I really hope that one day puberty fixes this.

For the vast majority of my childhood I thought I was very dumb because I didn't pay attention in class and so I never had any idea what was going on. All of my friends were passing the spelling tests and math tests and history tests and I was sitting in a corner chewing on the collar of my shirt and imaging what it would be like to fly.

I don't think I had A.D.D. and I don't think I had any kind of learning disability. I just think that the way most kids learn is different than the way I learned.