Thursday, July 31, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

If you're still reading Stranger, you are a crazy person. This week I regaled you with stories about getting locked out of the pool area in a Speedo. I have previously been known to suggest that I might slap your children at the grocery store. I've assaulted you with photos of mole rats. And then, finally, yesterday, I showed you a picture of my de-toenailed toe with a photoshopped wig.

I feel like I'm conducting some kind of online experiment. That experiment is something like "how much weird crap can you throw at complete strangers on the Internets before they all abandon you."

Thank you for not abandoning me. I would be lonely here without you. So would the Q of C. And Leotrix. And Paul Cyclemon. But not Tami. Tami's always been kind of a loner.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
Oh, Emrie. If only I could get you to like me.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Tami

Since I know everyone is extremely interested in the Pioneer Day Marathon Toenail Disaster of 2014, I'm here to provide you an update! Yesterday, while sitting in my professional lawyer office, aka my dorm room/hospital/place where I apparently think it's ok to take off my shoes and socks and perform surgery on my disgusting feet, a miraculous but horrific thing happened.

My little sister Micalyne had been responding to my frantic texts throughout the day asking what the hell I was supposed to do with my large toenail, which I previously told you was functioning like a car hood. I could raise it up and look underneath it. And it was gross.

Micalyne is the bravest human being I've ever met in my life. And not just because she has changed adult diapers without flinching. I truly don't think I've ever seen her look nervous or scared.

Additionally, despite being the size of a small child, she inexplicably has superhuman strength. If we lived in one of those societies where each family had to give one son to go fight in the war, Bob and Cathie would totally shave Micalyne's head and be like, "this is the strongest son in our family. Don't mind the boobs."

Monday, July 28, 2014

The Community Pool

The Ironman is only like eight weeks away now and I know this is likely not the case, but I think we may have somehow gone through a time warp and skipped like eleventy weeks. Because just a few minutes ago the Ironman was nearly twenty weeks away. And now it's eight weeks away.

Eight is less than twenty, guys.

I know because I put the numbers next to each other and then used the greater-than and less-than signs to compare them and the pointy end looked at the eight.

AND THEY SAY PUBLIC EDUCATION IS FAILING.

I'm having a hard time training right now because my big toenail is like a car hood at the moment since it apparently experienced some intense trauma at the Pioneer Day Marathon last week. Seriously. It's only connected to my toe at the base of the nail. You can raise it to be perpendicular to the toe.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Lost Journal Series: Part IX

Today, enjoy another set of journal entries and video from the The Lost Journal Series. Lots of important thoughts in this one.


Thursday, July 24, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy Pioneer Day! As proof that Pioneer Day miracles exist, I'm posting Pictures and Distractions a little early this week. Because, as my friend Nic just pointed out, "did the pioneers stop working just because it was the first Pioneer Day in 1847?"

No. They did not. So to honor them, I went through the dozens of cat videos you sent me this week so I could post some of them here.

I ran the Pioneer Day Marathon this morning. It went extremely well, thanksforasking. I ran a 3:34, which was faster than I expected and gave me a good boost of confidence for the now-9-weeks-away Ironman. Also, I think my toe is going to fall off. See picture below, which has not been well-received on what the kids are calling the Instagrams. YOU'RE WELCOME.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions.
Nieces. The one closest to me actually hates me. This picture is a miracle from above. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

That Day

Remember that book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?

I had one of those on Saturday. Not the book. I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. One of those days where nothing truly traumatic actually happened but a whole bunch of minor annoyances just kept piling up and after a while it started to seem like someone must be playing a joke on me. Like, how can my purse break and pour marbles all over the sidewalk twenty seconds after I trip on a hose that is being used to put out a fire caused by the lightening that hit my uninsured car? Also, why am I carrying a purse full of marbles?

I got up, EARLY mind you, on Saturday to go for a four-hour bike ride. Because Ironman. And because scared.

I hopped onto Paul Cyclemon and began riding. Eleven minutes later, I hit something with my bike and got a flat.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Pioneer Day

You guys. I know you are all very excited and you've hardly been able to sleep lately. You've made paper chains counting down the days. You've spent all of your time in the last few months trying to pick out your outfits for the big day. And the amount of thought you've put into your hair! You've done all of this for good reason.

Because PIONEER DAY!!!!!!!!!!

And you know I don't italicize, underline, bold, and capitalize simultaneously unless it's REALLY important.

Pioneer Day is the greatest holiday in the history of all holidays in the history of mankind in the history of the world, matched possibly only by Twice Up the Barrel Once Down the Side Day, which happens later this summer, of course.

For the less fortunate who don't have the opportunity to experience the glory of July 24th Pioneer Day, I'll give you a little background.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Life is Really Something Funny

Occasionally I glance back through older posts on Stranger. Usually I keep this walk through memory lane to the Palau posts, because I find them fascinating now that I've been away from Palau for nearly a year and have untangled a lot of the complicated emotions I had there. I rarely look at anything prior to Palau and I almost never read back over anything I wrote before Snuggie Texts, mostly because I can't stand the way I used to write.

It makes me wonder if I'll feel that way one day about what I wrote in 2014.

But today I happened to click on a pre-Palau post about a time that Daniel and I went with Anna Swayne and Ms. Emma to Moab so I could take Paul Cyclemon on his inaugural spin.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I got four voicemails within five minutes from Rebecca the other day. Each said roughly the same thing: "HELP! EMERGENCY! WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING! I'M NOT SAFE!"

I had mixed feelings. There was a little "boy who cried wolf" going on because of the time when Rebecca told me she was "getting attacked in the streets." But also, she's living in Paris, and with each voicemail, the entire plot of Taken ran through my mind. So I called her back.

Rebecca: Hello?

Eli: START YELLING OUT EVERYTHING YOU SEE! TATTOOS, SCARS, OR ANY OTHER IDENTIFYING INFORMATION AT ALL!

Rebecca: Is this a Taken thing? Because I'm not actually in danger.

Eli: But the voicemails?!

Rebecca: Oh. I was just walking home from somewhere and wanted someone to talk to.

In some ways I want to kill Rebecca. In other ways, she is just me in a woman body. And this confuses me.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Ms. Hannah Rose, flying.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Ten Weeks Is Not Very Long

I looked at the calendar the other day and YOU GUYS. The Ironman is ten weeks away. How did this happen? Remember when I did the half Ironman in May and when it was over you guys were like, "you have PLENTY of time, Eli! Rest for a little while! Take a break! Your hair looks amazing and we all heard that NASA is planning on naming its next project after you because your hair has become the poster child for consistency in the world."

You guys. I remember you reassuring me that the full Ironman was so far away and that I had nothing to worry about.

Well now it's ten weeks away. I knew it was coming up because I was starting to get daily reminder emails from Bob and Cathie.

From: Bob and Cathie
To: Eli
Subject: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO US?!?!

Son. Have you booked a hotel room in Tahoe yet for the weekend of the Ironman? Your father and I booked ours WEEKS ago and we had a hard time finding a place. We have been bugging you about this and you haven't been responding to us. It's making us very nervous. Why haven't you given us grandchildren yet? Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

My first WHAT THE KIDS ARE CALLING CD.

The first CD I ever bought was when I was 12 years old. Jon Scoville was the coolest kid my age in the neighborhood. And he is also responsible for teaching me 75% of what I currently know about sex.

NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT THAT IS CATHIE!!!

Truthfully, most of what he told me about sex is not even true.

NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT IS TRUE, CATHIE!!!

I was at his house one Saturday morning after spending a few very unfortunate days camping with the Boy Scouts of America. Then the following exchange happened:

Jon: Do you like the band Bush?

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Lost Journal Series: Part VIII

Today I give you the next part in the dramatic series taken directly from my childhood journals. Again, I include a video of my dramatic reading of the below journal entries. I tried recording this video many times but I kept laughing at a certain part. Finally I just gave up and left the laughing in. Sorry for being so unprofessional.

THIS BLOG'S REPUTATION IS RUINED!


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy weekend. I had a bit of a panic attack this afternoon. I was sitting in my office when suddenly I noticed a brown paper bag on my windowsill. I was certain I didn't put it there. Naturally, I assumed that it had inside of it:

A. A dead rat.

B. A bomb.

C. Poop.

It took me nearly ten minutes to work up the courage to look inside. I swear to you, I thought I had a 50% chance of losing my life over this.

What was in the bag? Bananas. You guys. I need to get some rest. Or start doing drugs. Whichever is easier.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Another gratuitous selfie with Hannah at Lagoon to add to your collection. 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The Lost Journal Series: Part VII

So here I am sitting in my apartment, drinking waaaaay too much NEVER YOU MIND WHAT I'M DRINKING.

Fine. Nonalcoholic black currant juice from the Farmer's Market. But it has a LOT of sugar. Don't tell Bob and Cathie.

And I was trying to decide what to write and then I was like, "you know what, Eli? You haven't done anything from the Lost Journal Series in a long time. Also, your hair looks better than everyone's in the entire world." And I was like, "thank you! But don't insult Paul Simon like that. Nobody's anything is better than Paul Simon's same thing." And I was like, "right. Sorry. Thanks for the correction."

So today I give you several selections from the Lost Journal Series.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Camping

On Friday I went camping. Or should I say, "camping." With finger quotes. Or maybe I should call it something else because I don't want all of my friends to jump down my throat and scream at me again for calling what I did on Friday "camping."

Look. I went into the woods. I sat around a campfire. I roasted marshmallows. I even set up a freaking tent. And when I say "set up a freaking tent" I mean "watched Val set up a tent while I complained that it was hot and that there was nowhere to sit."

No, I did not "stay the night." No, I did not, "sleep in a sleeping bag." No, I don't know why I'm "using quotation marks so much."

"So sue me."

I didn't do any of those things because UNCOMFORTABLE.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

College Admissions Emails

Recently I started emailing several college admissions offices as "June Snapple." This one really tried to help a girl out.

I used multiple email accounts under different names, so pay attention to the email headers.


From: June Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Help a gurl out?!

Hey-o,

Mi name is June Snapple and Im redy for collage pleeese! can you tell me how to get in to collage and tel me lik wher my locker is and wat i need 4 the 1st day?

June Snapple