Wednesday, July 15, 2015

An Unfortunate Sequel

Doctor: So I understand you have had some new episodes.

Eli: It sounds so dramatic when you say it in that voice!

Doctor: Well your heart started racing and you got light-headed and fainted. That's pretty dramatic.

Eli: I'm sorry. Did you say something? I'm having a hard time focusing because I keep saying over and over in my mind "don't take your pants off until they ask you to!"

Doctor: I want to run an EKG.

Eli: Come again?

Doctor: An EKG.

Eli: No thank you. I've already had breakfast.


Doctor: An EKG isn't food.

Eli: Well then why did you offer me some?

Doctor: An EKG tests how your heart is running.

Eli: Well back in my day we just used a stethoscope for that.

Doctor: I totally forgot how difficult you were last year until just right now.

Eli: Oh my gosh thank you!

[EKG is performed. As it turns out, it really is NOT food.]

Doctor: Your EKG results are abnormal.

Eli: Ok.

Doctor: Why are you taking your pants off?

Eli: THIS IS CONFUSING FOR ME AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO!

Doctor: Well right now I just need you to keep your pants on and try to focus on the words I'm saying.

Eli: You know, I find it offensive when I go see a medical professional and they don't tell me to take my clothes off because they totally could if they wanted to so if they don't have me disrobe it just means that they don't want to see me naked. And that's rude.

Doctor: I think it's a very good thing you did not decide to be a doctor.

Eli: So what's wrong with my EKG? Besides the fact that it's not food.

Doctor: Well the blah blah blah blah blah looks like blah blah blah blah . . .

Eli: Oh my gosh. So boring. Why do you sound like the Charlie Brown teacher right now?

Doctor: I'm sorry that your health is boring you.

Eli: Can't you just dumb it down for me?

Doctor: Your results equal frowny face.

Eli: So I'm dying right away?

Doctor: No. I didn't say that.

Eli: Oh, so everything is fine. PRAISE THE LORD! [Eli stands up and starts gathering his things to leave]

Doctor: What about anything that I've said today has led you to believe that everything is fine?

Eli: Ugh. Ok. What are you trying to tell me?

Doctor: I'm trying to tell you that I'm concerned about your EKG and that I want to run some extra tests to find out what's going on before you go and kill yourself in the Ironman in less than three weeks.

Eli: So I should probably stop exercising and quit my job?

Doctor: What? No. I want you to wear this heart monitor for 10 days and then when you come back we are going to do some stress tests.

Eli: Honey, my life is a stress test. The things I could tell you . . .

Doctor: I'm not your therapist. I have no interest in hearing any more information on that topic.

Eli: Fine. But you are missing out because it is truly a Telenovela. 

Doctor: I'm sure. Now wear this incredibly intrusive device at all times for the next 10 days and exercise normally. We'll talk again next week.

Eli: Ok. And do you have any more EKG? I am actually starting to get a little hungry.

Doctor: Sigh.

~It Just Gets Stranger

18 comments:

  1. I can't decide if I feel sorry for your doctor, or if I'm a little bit jealous that he gets to be part of these interactions.

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    1. For some reason I read his doctor as a girl.

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    2. I literally had to go back and re-read that, because I also got that the dr was a girl, but it really doesn't say that. Huh. Well, missed opportunity, I guess.

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    3. I think it's because he called the doctor "honey"

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  2. Or jealous that Eli takes his pants off voluntarily for these people?

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  3. I had to wear one of those for three days when I was pregnant with #5. Apparently I had "stress" and "anxiety". Darn skippy! I have five children. Have you SEEN the cost of college?
    Seriously though, I hope everything goes well and that you don't have to interact with the Perfects during your "not showering while glued to a machine" phase!

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  4. I had to wear one of those for three days when I was pregnant with #5. Apparently I had "stress" and "anxiety". Darn skippy! I have five children. Have you SEEN the cost of college?
    Seriously though, I hope everything goes well and that you don't have to interact with the Perfects during your "not showering while glued to a machine" phase!

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  5. Eli, I have a serious plea. Mr. Pants isn't even on the animal page of your website. This is a problem.

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  6. I assume you're actually pretty worried about this, but are using humor to mask that. I could be wrong. But I won't leave a humorous thing here and instead just say I'm thinking about you.

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  7. Good luck with the heart monitor. I had one (because of light-headedness and fainting, too) a few years ago, and it was one hundred times worse than passing out.

    It's kind of a gross story, though, and people might be eating when they read this so I'll leave it at that.

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  8. I hope that everything gets figured out and resolved alright. Good luck!

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  10. I'm beginning to think you set this poor doctor up so that you could skip the Ironman because Deja Vu. Didn't this happen last year. So you took some drugs (not that we know what that is) to make your heart race, or skip a beat, trotted off to the doctor so you could get a note saying you couldn't participate. How could someone with such great hair not be perfect in every other way? Seriously, though, take care of yourself.

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  11. Ughhh...had to wear one of those incredibly hot, itchy, uncomfortable thingys one summer only to find out I have Paroxysmal Supraventricular Tachycardia (or those of us who are cool and hip call it "PSVT"), and while it sounds scary (and believe me having your heart rate race up to 180+ bpm for no good reason is scary the first dozen times or so it happens), it's really quite common and not (usually) an issue. I take a little pill every day to make my heart behave.

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  12. Just to lighten the mood a little - I thought from the title Eli was going to announce the movie Glee 2 was coming to theaters soon.

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  13. When I wore a heart monitor for a few weeks my 'episodes' were during exercise. Unfortunately, I also suffer from that extra-sweatiness-syndrome thing you have mentioned so the monitors glue-pads would fall off and wouldn't record the events. If that happens to you then you can convince your doctor that you really are 'fine' and fulfill your life dream/nightmare in 3 weeks. :)

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    Replies
    1. ...but for the record, this is not sound medical advice. Just a risky way to do what you want.

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