Thursday, December 14, 2017

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

You'll be happy to know the Snuggie, of such fame as the Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie, has made it to half a dozen lucky wearers in multiple United States of God Bless America. I'm told only one person has died so far. You know those websites that show where Santa is on Christmas Eve so kids can track his progress? We should have one of those for the Strangerhood. Awesomesauciness, can you hurry and build that for us?

Also, because I told you this week I was sick and then all of you were like "DON'T GO TO WORK YOU SELFISH BASTARD YOU'RE GOING TO KILL EVERYONE" I decided not to go to work because I didn't want the guilt of killing everyone on my conscience. Then I donated five dollars to [charity that will appease you] to make up for having gone in early this week.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:
Ollie makes a mean borsch.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Diphtheria OMG I actually spelled that correctly on the first try

Last month the Stranger troll said I was desperate because I shared the most recent Strangerville episode twice in one week and I'm nothing if not consistently pathetic so you should all definitely click on the below. Every time you do a troll learns one new grammatical rule.


In other news, I'm still alive, thanks for asking.

The neighborhood was probably worried starting around 9:30 on Saturday night when I found myself slumped over on Lynne's couch while two dozen well-dressed people tried to make conversation with me. This included our mailman, whom Lynne invited to our party after apparently developing a much more successful relationship with him than I have.

I really probably should have gone home. Nevertheless she persisted. I stayed out at the party until around 1:00 in the morning. So late that you can see Bob and Cathie shaking their heads from space.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Bad Dates

Last night Lynne had her big holiday party at her house so I made enough meatballs to feed the entire population of a medium-sized country. By the time the party started I was feeling like I had been run over by a dozen trains. Like, Depression Era trains.

I don't know what I've come down with but I am so sick right now. I was up almost the entire night rolling around in bed, aching all over, and pleading with the good Lord to take me home. Duncan tried to be helpful by lying directly on top of me all night long and then aggressively licking my face whenever I moved.

We've been in a half dreamlike state all day, wandering the house cloaked in a heat blanket connected to an extension cord that's so long that it can wrap around the world twice.

I am trying desperately not to turn to Web MD (I already convinced myself once this morning that I have Meningitis). But I seriously have no idea what I might have come down with. It feels different than anything I've ever experienced.

The point is, we have a brand-new episode of Strangerville for you today and it may be the last one because I'm probably dying. Well, unless Meg and Jolyn carry on without me. Which actually would probably be an improvement. Now I sort of hope I die.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Frozen

I want to write but my mind is frozen.

This is partly because it is negative eleventy degrees today in Salt Lake City. And, I know. Some of you live in Michigan or Wisconsin or Siberia or wherever and I shouldn't complain about our winters because you're doing it uphill both ways in a mini skirt up to here and a candy bar is a nickel but minimum wage is 10 cents and the only good jobs are at the mine.

I got lost back there somewhere.

The point is, my mind is frozen.

This is partly because I just took Duncan for a walk in the cold and dark and he demanded that I throw the ball in the snow for him eleventy hundred times. Duncan is immune to the cold, I believe. It has no effect on him. He could sleep in the freezer, and probably would if I put peanut butter in there. Skylar is mad at Duncan because Duncan "bit" him on the nose last week. Duncan didn't actually bite him on the nose. But Skylar was kissing Duncan on the face for 3 straight minutes while Duncan was trying to take a nap and he suddenly got startled and nipped at Skylar's face. Duncan walked away from that exchange more freaked out than Skylar. But Skylar is the only one who has held onto the emotion from it.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Scary Gandalf

It was Thursday morning and I was very late for work. Or as Brianne would call it, "having a typical morning."

Brianne decided some time ago that I never go to work. This is based on the two or three times in the last year that she has stopped by my office to see me and I wasn't there. Now occasionally when she sees me around 4:00 in the afternoon her usual greeting is "did you just get here?"

She also thinks that I don't dress appropriately for the office, a sentiment apparently shared by a colleague named Ryan who upon seeing this picture posted on Instagram recently