Q: What the crap did I just read?

A: I started this blog in 2007 on a whim. I gave the title no thought, and probably would pick a different one if I could go back. Before I started blogging, I was writing about the strange experiences I was having and emailing them to members of my family almost daily. Then I heard about blogging (I'm always about 10 years behind on all things) and it seemed like a more practical way to share stories and archive them than through the hotmail account I had created when I was 16. So one Saturday morning I up and created this blog and it has largely remained what it was in the very beginning: an exaggerated account of my daily life. The good, the bad, and the Queen of Colors. Only, hopefully, now the spelling and grammar is a little better.

Q: Why were you in Palau?

A: I moved to Palau for a job. I'm an attorney and after clerking for a judge in Salt Lake City, I was offered a job with the Supreme Court of Palau as counsel for the court. I was in Palau for one year. I worked with two other American attorneys in the same position. Mainly I helped the court research and write decisions. I also helped provide advice for the court's efficient functioning and I was responsible for recruiting for the next year's court counsel positions.

Q: How are you able to travel so much?

A: It's not through the use of unlimited funds, unfortunately. Each of my relatives fall within one of two camps: 1) unsatisfied wanderers, and 2) those we call the "what's wrong with here!" homebodies. The unsatisfied wanderers, which is the camp I belong to, mostly travel to places nobody has ever heard of (because they're cheaper) while the "what's wrong with here!" members of the family shake their heads and wait for our bodies to show up on the doorstep, with a few missing fingers, of course. I've been fortunate to be able to take time here and there to do this. I use a plethora of resources to make traveling pretty inexpensive, namely couchsurfing and flexible travel dates and locations. Also, while many people spend money on hobbies, cars, and fancy electronics, I spend it on discounted plane tickets. What this means is that I own nothing of any monetary value, but I've slept on a concrete floor in Bulgaria. Typing that last sentence has made me reconsider what I value.

Q: Do these pants make me look fat?

A: Not at all! You look great! (Unless you want to look fat, in which case, yes. Those pants totally make you look fat.)

Q: Do you really like Snuggies?

A: Yes. With all my heart.

Q: Do you really like cats?

A: No. With all my heart.

Q: Who are Bob and Cathie?

A: Bob and Cathie are my wonderful parents. I only call them by their names when I'm referring to them in front of other people. I do this because it makes me seem more edgy. Also, Bob and Cathie believe that this makes them sound more hip.

Q: What do Bob and Cathie think about the way you characterize your childhood?

A: Once I was at my parents' house with a friend who was worried that I had lied and defamed Bob and Cathie's good names. This friend asked, "did you guys see that Eli accused you on his blog of threatening to make him sleep in a chicken coop when he was only 5 years old?"  My mom immediately responded, as though worried that this friend didn't have the full story, "he started it!" and then continued, very abrasively, "did he also mention how dangerous those chickens were!? That threat would never have forced compliance if we hadn't told him the Queen of Colors was going to to rip his eyes out." Occasionally Bob and Cathie do complain that I have mischaracterized something on this blog. It's always an innocuous point. And they always leave a scathing comment to call me out on it.

Q: Who is the Queen of Colors?

A: You can read about it here.

Q: Is the Queen of Colors a boy or a girl?

A: Exactly.

Q: Who is The First Eye?

A: His story is here.

Q: How old are you, really?

A: I was born on May 18, 1984. A day that Cathie has since told me repeatedly was "the bloodiest day of [her] life."

Q: Do you want me to send you a funny picture I took?

A: Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes.

Q: Are you on Twitter or Facebook?

A: Yes! Please join me on Twitter here and on Facebook here.

Q: Do you really have a foot disease?

A: Trust me. You don't want to get close enough to me to find out. But the answer is, probably. I've had it since 2005 and I have tried everything I have heard of to get rid of it. Half-heartedly. But I've tried.

Q: How long is Crime & Punishment going to take you to get through?

A: Well I started it in 2005 and I've averaged 12 pages a year. So, I'll probably be done sometime around the year 2175.

Q: Did you really do the math for that last question?

A: No.

Q: Are you thinking about writing a book?

A: Yes. And while in Palau I was able to finish writing it. It's currently being edited by very generous friends. I'm very please with how it has turned out so far. Next step: figuring out how to get it published.

Q: Are those email and text exchanges in the Messing with People section real?

A: Yes. Some have accused me of making things up. And I don't blame them. And it doesn't really matter to me whether anyone believes that these exchanges are real as long as it puts a smile on their faces. But, yes, there really are people on the other end of those exchanges. And those people mostly hate me.

Q: Why don't you update the mommy blog more often?

A: Guys. I swear. I would really like to. But it's a lot of work, especially for a fulltime working attorney who already has this site. I never intended to post anything on that blog. I only created it as part of my teasing of Jane during Snuggie Texts. You liked it and asked that I keep it going, so I have. And it has been incredibly fun for me to talk about Fortify and June Snapple and Grace Telly and Casper. But be patient with me. I promise, I'm not going to give up on it. The posts just may not come as quickly as you would like for a little while.

Q: Where do you come up with your ideas for your posts?

A: Many of the pranks I have done are because you guys have emailed me with good ideas or links to ads I should respond to, and I always give credit where credit is due. Sometimes the thought just comes to me in the night. Most of my ideas don't pan out at all and many of the people I email never respond to me. But when they do, it's glorious. As for the other posts, all I'm doing is sharing my life with you. My thoughts, experiences, and any strange thing that happens. And you keep reading it. And that makes me happy.


  1. Smelly feet? Here's a possible diagnosis: http://dermnetnz.mobify.me/bacterial/pitted-keratolysis.html
    -just a curious med student.

  2. I love your blog. I should be careful with the phone numbers I dial. Wouldn't want to end up on a blog :p anywayz keep doing your thing

  3. I love the "unsatisfied wanderers" description. Very true :)I'm stealing it.

  4. I think you're missing a question that must come up pretty often: Will You Marry Me?

  5. I am also behind in all things, and just found the famous Snuggie Texts. Thank you for one of the longest and most exhausting laughs of my life. And on top of being hilarious, you are also kind-hearted and seriously nice. Now go sit down and WRITE THAT BOOK, and when you come to Powell's in Portland on your book tour, I promise to show up in a Snuggie and demand an autograph. And a hug.

    1. I'm with Melissa. 'Cept in AZ. Write that book!

  6. Other FAQ: Eli how do you make your hair look so scrumptious and amazing and shiny and attractive?

  7. I'm exactly 8 years older than you, lol, I think it was the bloodiest of my Mom's too!

  8. Just wondering when that book thing is going to happen...