Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Diphtheria OMG I actually spelled that correctly on the first try

Last month the Stranger troll said I was desperate because I shared the most recent Strangerville episode twice in one week and I'm nothing if not consistently pathetic so you should all definitely click on the below. Every time you do a troll learns one new grammatical rule.


In other news, I'm still alive, thanks for asking.

The neighborhood was probably worried starting around 9:30 on Saturday night when I found myself slumped over on Lynne's couch while two dozen well-dressed people tried to make conversation with me. This included our mailman, whom Lynne invited to our party after apparently developing a much more successful relationship with him than I have.

I really probably should have gone home. Nevertheless she persisted. I stayed out at the party until around 1:00 in the morning. So late that you can see Bob and Cathie shaking their heads from space.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Bad Dates

Last night Lynne had her big holiday party at her house so I made enough meatballs to feed the entire population of a medium-sized country. By the time the party started I was feeling like I had been run over by a dozen trains. Like, Depression Era trains.

I don't know what I've come down with but I am so sick right now. I was up almost the entire night rolling around in bed, aching all over, and pleading with the good Lord to take me home. Duncan tried to be helpful by lying directly on top of me all night long and then aggressively licking my face whenever I moved.

We've been in a half dreamlike state all day, wandering the house cloaked in a heat blanket connected to an extension cord that's so long that it can wrap around the world twice.

I am trying desperately not to turn to Web MD (I already convinced myself once this morning that I have Meningitis). But I seriously have no idea what I might have come down with. It feels different than anything I've ever experienced.

The point is, we have a brand-new episode of Strangerville for you today and it may be the last one because I'm probably dying. Well, unless Meg and Jolyn carry on without me. Which actually would probably be an improvement. Now I sort of hope I die.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Frozen

I want to write but my mind is frozen.

This is partly because it is negative eleventy degrees today in Salt Lake City. And, I know. Some of you live in Michigan or Wisconsin or Siberia or wherever and I shouldn't complain about our winters because you're doing it uphill both ways in a mini skirt up to here and a candy bar is a nickel but minimum wage is 10 cents and the only good jobs are at the mine.

I got lost back there somewhere.

The point is, my mind is frozen.

This is partly because I just took Duncan for a walk in the cold and dark and he demanded that I throw the ball in the snow for him eleventy hundred times. Duncan is immune to the cold, I believe. It has no effect on him. He could sleep in the freezer, and probably would if I put peanut butter in there. Skylar is mad at Duncan because Duncan "bit" him on the nose last week. Duncan didn't actually bite him on the nose. But Skylar was kissing Duncan on the face for 3 straight minutes while Duncan was trying to take a nap and he suddenly got startled and nipped at Skylar's face. Duncan walked away from that exchange more freaked out than Skylar. But Skylar is the only one who has held onto the emotion from it.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Scary Gandalf

It was Thursday morning and I was very late for work. Or as Brianne would call it, "having a typical morning."

Brianne decided some time ago that I never go to work. This is based on the two or three times in the last year that she has stopped by my office to see me and I wasn't there. Now occasionally when she sees me around 4:00 in the afternoon her usual greeting is "did you just get here?"

She also thinks that I don't dress appropriately for the office, a sentiment apparently shared by a colleague named Ryan who upon seeing this picture posted on Instagram recently

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Every single December I have the exact same interaction with Brianne. I hand her an envelope with her name on it and tell her that I picked out something really special for her for Christmas. She hurriedly opens it and sees that it's a Nordstrom gift card. Then she pretends to cry, holds it to her chest like she's hugging it, and says "this is the best gift anyone has ever given me." I give her a knowing nod and then walk back to my office.

Five years running now.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

By The Way, I Can See Your Underwear

A few years ago Matt was at family dinner with me at Bob and Cathie's house. All of my nieces and nephews were there so the place was a circus, as it commonly is on Sunday evenings.

Matt and Emrie, my sassy niece with whom I have always had a very inconsistent relationship, hit it off relatively well from the beginning. This was probably because Matt is artistic and was perfectly happy to sit with Emrie and color while the other grownups did grownup things.

Emrie was 5 at the time. The two were at the kids table, furiously working through a coloring book of Disney princesses, when we suddenly heard a very serious argument break out.

Matt: You aren't coloring between the lines.

Emrie: My mom said that it doesn't matter.

Matt: Well, it does. You need to color between the lines or it won't look good.

No. Stop. Go back to the beginning and read that conversation again. Because I promise that you read it in the wrong tone.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

The Perils of Sitting in the Exit Row

Last month I was in Chicago. I told you about that already because I don't believe in keeping secrets from you.

The weekend ended after several days of shenanigans with my childhood best friend Sam (shenanigans=gossiping about everything every person we went to high school with has ever posted on social media until 1:00 in the morning). And then it was time to go home.

Skylar had met us in Chicago because Skylar isn't like you and me. He lives on airplanes and when someone is like "I'm going to fly to India" he's like "ok I'll just meet you there" like you said you are going to the backyard to sunbathe.

I don't understand this part of him. I loath flying in airplanes with a hot and fiery passion. There is no person who is more angry in this world that Eli Whittlesconsin McCann waiting by the conveyor belt for a bag in the Boston airport after a red eye flight.

Did that sound like a very specific example? INTENTIONAL.

Because Skylar travels so much for work he has Holy Virgin Mary Celestial Kingdom Extraterrestrial Oprah Winfrey Status with Delta, which technically exempts him from all laws and allows him to use the U.S. military for any personal reason he wants. This means that Delta throws gold at him every time he even drives by an airport. And if twelve people aren't giving him a full body massage by the time he starts making his way down the jet-way, he has a random Delta employee waterboarded.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Great. Now we all have lice.

So the other day I posted that thing about Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie and I thought that maybe you guys would all just think it was such a stupid idea that you would be ashamed to know me and you would delete my number from your phones. But instead eleventy hundred of you emailed me your addresses and social security numbers and names of your children's pediatricians, which was weird because I already have a pediatrician.

First of all, it's very alarming how easy it is to get you people to send me your addresses on the internet. WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER YOU COULD GET KIDNAPPED!

Not that we know what kidnapping is!

Second, I'm so happy that you all sent me your addresses because as it turns out you are all very evenly spread out across the country so I now have a place to stay in every state, which is going to be very convenient when I'm running from the law.

I am so excited about this incredibly important thing we are doing. I'm trying to organize the list so that the Snuggie moves as efficiently across the world as possible (with some exceptions). There were handfuls of people living in the same town as each other so I'm trying to group those up together so that some of you can save the time and postage and just hand-deliver the Snuggie package.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie

So the other day I was in the shower NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT NAKED IS and the phrase "Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie" came to my mind and I was like "why is that not a thing yet?

Then I realized that I don't know what that thing would be because I've never seen or read the Traveling Pants(?) series(?). I don't know the story or the concept but I think it has something to do with an item of clothing that gets passed around between friends and this makes the people feel closer and then we find out that Snape loved Harry Potter's mom all along or something.

By the time I got out of the shower I decided that we should probably do this exact thing. So I'm going to formally launch Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Eli: What are you doing tomorrow morning?

Skylar: I have a meeting that I'm leading.

Eli: That sounds like a rap lyric.

Skylar: Huh?

Eli: You have a meeting that you're leading while the people are bleeding from their grieving, overcome by the deceiving retreating

Skylar: This isn't even making sense

Eli: interspersed with their retreating conceiving, outspoken in the seething pleading

Skylar: Are you the new Eminem?

Eli: No. Vanilla Ice.

Skylar: That fits.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions: