Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Companionship Inventory

When Skylar and I got married my motherthe woman who birthed me into this worldthe being from whom my body emerged through a process she has since called "a bloody massacre"the person is supposed to live her life in absolutely loyalty to methat mother committed an absolute hate crime against her only son.

She didn't mean to hurt me, I think, when she told my husbandthe man who swore to worship me in front of all the angels in heaven at an extremely expensive party where I had to pay for napkins that must have been made of pure gold considering how much they costmy mother gave that man advice that has resulted in a scheduled and weekly torture session for me ever since.

"Good marriages require you to be on the same page," she told him. "So I'd suggest you pick one night a week to have a planning session where you can talk about what you have going on over the next seven days, schedule quality time, and discuss any areas where your relationship might need work."

Well, Skylar what's his name frickin loved this idea. And the next thing I knew, a recurring event was added to our shared calendar on Sunday nights. "Companionship Inventory."

Skylar had just learned this phrase from some absolute monster of a person who decided to start teaching him Mormon lingo so Skylar could slip it into conversations with me at random. Within just the few weeks before this, he had told me "the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight" and to "return with honor" when I left the house. But none of his new phrases caused me as much immediate emotional pain as "companionship inventory."

Sunday, January 10, 2021

Happy Birthday, SkyMan

Today is Skylar's birthday. I spend a lot of time on the internet gushing about him or sharing with you the absurd things he does, like drink Pepto Bismol as a snack, or charge a karaoke stage while high on cold medication and bring the house down with a surprising rendition of "It's Raining Men." 

There are surely people who follow me here or on one of the six thousand social media accounts that is currently rotting my brain and who start to roll their eyes the dozen times a day I start a tweet with "MY HUSBAND." I don't blame you. If I wasn't me I would totally follow me just to to make fun of me. 

But I can't help it, and you wouldn't be able to either if you were fortunate enough to be married to Skylar. 

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Treehouse in the Mountain

Skylar is turning 31 thousand, or so you'd think the way he complained about his aching "dainty ankles" today when we went snowshoeing for a few hours in some mountains 40 minutes from our house. 

We decided to retreat to this place after Sky's parents found an absolutely adorable treehouse turned into an airbnb here and gave us a gift card for it. It's Sky's birthday this coming weekend so we booked the only two days available for this place in the next many months to come and headed eastward on Tuesday afternoon.

The treehouse is truly off the beaten path. Far into the snowpacked back canyons beyond Park City. The instructions on how to get here, as provided by the owners, were essentially, "do not use gps, for the great explorers of our time have yet to chart this corner of the earth. Drive east until you see a large tree that looks like a bear then take the second star to the right, straight on til morning."

Sunday, January 3, 2021

The Year Of

I explain this every year but some of you are forgetful and some of you are new and I love the sound of my own voice, so I'm going to explain it again. 

I don't do new year's resolutions because they suck and I'm edgy and like to rebel against societal norms. I used to do resolutions. But then on January 2nd I would swiftly break every single one of them with reckless abandon. Then I'd be like "welp. I guess that didn't work out. There's always next year." And then I'd continue being the colossal suckface you all know and love. 

Then in 2013 I was in Palau and I was deeply depressed. The new year had started. I had been suffering from a state of mental fog and I was in the pits of despair, feeling trapped and hopeless. One day while sitting in my office I just had this epiphanyit was basically that I was the only person who could change my situation and so if I didn't want to keep feeling the way I was, I needed to do something about it. After some introspection, I decided that a lot of my struggles stemmed from an attitude problem. I had fully decided that my life was a sad one, and I was viewing each day from the perspective of defeat.

Thursday, December 31, 2020

2020

It was June. I went for a run around my city. This was a Saturday and it had been a very hard week in the exact middle of a very hard year for all of us. Riots had broken out across the United States after George Floyd was killed. People were upset everywhere. We were all heartsick. 

Monday, December 28, 2020

The Most Viewed Posts of 2020

It's time for one of my favorite annual walks down memory lane. Below I've corralled a ranked 10 posts from this very ridiculous website. These are the pieces you most viewed from 2020. Please enjoy.

And to truly kick it off, here's a picture of me hiking with Skylar and a dozen of his sweaters:


 

10. A Good Finder

Coming in at number 10, I wrote about Skylar's absolutely outrageous unrealistic expectations that I should be able to find things inside of stores. 

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

We Are Very Angry With Matt

Matt has decided to move away from us, which is absolutely a hate crime and an act of terror. He sprung the news on us a few months ago.

"I'm buying a house in Las Vegas because I hate you and refuse to consider your happiness as I make my big life decisions." 

Ok, he didn't say that last part out loud but that's what I heard nevertheless. 

Obviously we are not pleased with Matt leaving us, but we are even more not pleased with his outrageously unfair decision to take Mr. Ollie Pants with him. Ollie has tried to remain neutral in the matter because he doesn't like to see humans at war, but I'm certain he's devastated about the whole thing. 

The move is happening at the end of the month and since Matt already sold his house in Salt Lake City, he has taken up residence in our basement temporarily. Or so he thinks because he doesn't know we've purchased chains and an incredible amount of dungeon equipment that should keep him in place for many years to come.

He showed up over the weekend with a bed he decided he doesn't want to take with him on his move of betrayal. We spent the better part of the evening folding a queen sized mattress in half and shoving it down the narrow set of stairs in my house that was built for malnourished 19th century pioneers. Now he's spending the week cleaning stuff and fixing shit in an effort to fool us into not being mad at him. And we hate that this is working.

Saturday, December 19, 2020

Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie, Part 3

First off, I wrote a piece about what it feels like to close the chapter on 2020. It was incredibly cathartic to write this, in a way I hadn't really anticipated when I sat down and started typing. I would love to have you check it out. Special thanks as always to Josh Fowlke for the absolutely incredible artwork.

Second, the Traveling Snuggie has made it back home, sort of unexpectedly. Brooke (featured below) had it and she emailed me to let me know she would be in Utah for the month of December and so she offered to bring it to me if I wanted to see it. I had anticipated having it continue its journey, but I admit that I was selfish and couldn't resist getting ahold of it after its long journey.

When I started Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie a few years ago, I honestly didn't think people would actually be very interested in participating. I thought at most a couple of you near Salt Lake City would sign up and we'd do this for a few weeks and have a small shared laugh over it. 

What ended up happening was hundreds of people emailed me and wanted to participate. People from all over the country (and world). Everyone was so enthusiastic and delightful about it. The Snuggie ended up hitting 50 or so of your homes all over the United States (I was too scared to send it abroad, but maybe we need to have an international version?). 

You all took it and added little trinkets and gadgets along the way. You created a travel book to write notes to one another and you sent information and keepsakes along with it to represent your town.

Thursday, December 17, 2020

A New Kind Of Peace

I was just about to leave work for the day when my husband called me.

“Class has been canceled. They’re sending everyone home,” he said.

Skylar was deep into his second year of medical school when the university announced that due to reports of coronavirus reaching certain parts of the United States, campus would be closing.

Minutes later I scrolled through Twitter to find an endless stream of virtual fearmongering from the online masses about impending shutdowns of nearly every supply chain. “The state liquor stores are going to be closing soon and we don’t know when they’ll open again, so everyone plan accordingly,” one friend announced on Facebook alongside a picture of a line of people that wrapped up and down the wine aisles.

Sunday, December 13, 2020

Hedgy

A couple years ago my friend Anna got Duncan a little stuffed animal hedgehog. She called it "Hedgy" and this quickly became Duncan's very favorite toy. My little man was obsessed with Hedgy. He would carry him everywhere he went. One time Sky and I were out of town and Anna was watching him; she sent us a picture of Duncan and Hedgy sitting on the front porch looking off into the distance together.

When that first Hedgy started looking worse for the wear, not at all helped by the fact that some of Duncan's friends got ahold of him and ripped his guts out, Anna got Duncan a replacement Hedgy. We tried to get rid of the first Hedgy carcass, but Duncan flipped out when we attempted to take it away from him. He would go stand in front of the garbage can, somehow aware that that's where we had thrown it, and cry. He loved the new Hedgy, but he loved the old raggedy one, too.