NOTHING WORSE THAN THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED EVER!

I NEED EVERYONE'S UNDIVIDED ATTENTION WHILE I HAVE A MAJOR ONLINE FREAK OUT AND MELTDOWN IN EPIC PROPORTIONS.

No. Put down that cat and turn off the tv. I mean it. I need your FULL attention. I'll wait.

Now you all know that I don't like to exaggerate and I certainly don't want to overreact here because if there's one thing I hate it's when someone overreacts. But guys. Last night the most HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!

Ok, so that goes maybe a little too far. Maybe this isn't the worst thing ever. Because I know that some bad stuff has happened in the history of the world. Like Justin Bieber, for example. BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST NIGHT IS ALMOST AS BAD AS JUSTIN BIEBER!

I seriously cannot use big enough words to describe for you exactly how traumatized I am today. And as you read this story, I need to you keep in mind that you are reading the words of a completely crazed and terrified human being who doesn't know whom to turn to or where to go in this great time of horror and tragedy.

Graduation Nuggets of Wisdom

Graduation is happening across Palau right now. I got an invitation to a graduation for this coming Sunday, which I'm excited to go to because when they call the names I like to wait until the people sitting next to me cheer and then I stand up and cheer with them and yell things like "I knew you would pull through in the end, Tyler!" and then I watch the family wonder for the rest of ceremony how I know their kid and why I would think he was close to not pulling through.

Some of the church kids are graduating this week and we've been having various celebrations for them, which has gotten me thinking about my own graduations over the last ten years or so and how exciting and intimidating it is to move on to the next thing. And I decided that on Stranger today I would share with you some of the things I've learned since my own high school graduation, eleven years ago. Would love to hear some of your nuggets of wisdom, too: 

Words of Wisdom to the Children from a Sarcastic and Cranky 29-Year-Old Man

You can stick to a job or area of study and find ways to be successful or you can bounce around from menial task to menial task, dissatisfied with the pace of promotion. Either way, you’ll still be doing the same thing in 10 years.

People who lie to you are not your friends. Unless they are lying to you in order to play an amazing practical joke, in which case, they are your best friends.

Birthday Marathon

The photo above is how I always want to remember Daniel, long after he has died from food poisoning or from sticking his hand into a blender or something equally frustrating and totally avoidable.

Saturday was my 29th birthday. And it was the first one in a few years that did not begin with an absurdly long voice message from Cathie that has all of the following parts:

Pictures & Weekly Distractions

Dear Strangers of the world. Tomorrow (May 18th) is my birthday. I can't believe I'm turning 65 again. I know you all want to send me cheesecake in the mail for my birthday, but when you did that for Christmas it never made it to Palau because the post office people couldn't help themselves and they ate it all. And who can blame them? So I'm going to have to ask you to refrain. Instead of that, the best birthday gift you could all give me is love.

Haha. Just kidding. Love is a stupid birthday gift.

The best gift you could give me is to please share your favorite Stranger post (or your least favorite--I don't really care) on Facebook, what the kids are calling the Twitter, Googlepigswatten, Pintube, or whatever is popular these days. Nothing would make me happier. Other than you all showing up in Palau to celebrate. But that would only make me happy for a few minutes and then it would get really stressful since I would feel the need to make sure everyone was happy since you would be my guests and you would probably overstay by two weeks and I wouldn't dare to tell you that you needed to leave.

I have a very extreme and stupid plan for my birthday morning, which I will share in probably embarrassing detail next week after I have recovered from it. Stay tuned.

For now, enjoy this week's pictures and distractions:

Daniel snorkeling. All of the following pictures are from the same snorkeling trip at a place called Big Drop Off.

Daniel Snaps

Last night Daniel snapped at one of the teenagers.

Remember last week when he got high and mighty after I went all Carrie on them? And Daniel was all like, "calm down Eli! Think of the children!" And then he lectured me in the car on the way home about patience? And then he asked me the next day what I had learned from that experience? Remember that?

That guy. That very same scolder and walking heckler snapped at one of the teenagers.

Daniel has a great relationship with all of the kids. But there is one with whom his interactions have always been slightly hostile. The animosity goes both ways but if you ask him, SHE STARTED IT!

She just turned 18 years old, so technically she's not a kid anymore. So back off angry moms. He didn't snap at a child. He's not like me. He defends the children.

This teenager is very smart and she comes from probably one of the most healthy and wonderful homes in all of Palau. She's also very well-liked and has way too many friends. So this isn't one of those troubled child things. She's a straight-A student and is about to head off to college in the U.S. at a great university where she'll probably gain the education she needs to take over the world one day.

Solomon

I'm working on something for the court now that has just about ripped my brain out of my head and thrown it into a blender. You're welcome for the visual.

You all know that I have a job, right? I know that I don't talk about my work that much, but you know that daddy is involved in some important things between all of the ridiculousness, right? Sometimes I worry that you guys all just picture me crying in my Snuggie all day and demanding that Daniel compliment me. Guys. It can't ALWAYS be Saturday!

I work too. And the work that I do, while interesting and exciting, is sometimes really challenging.

My position is counsel for the Supreme Court of Palau. I spend most of my day helping the court resolve cases that have come to it on appeal, which means I am almost always writing and researching and writing some more and editing and writing and reading from books that are this thick [holding my hands very far apart]. Such is the life of a lawyer.

I do other stuff at work too, like meet with judges and attend hearings and give input on policy and procedure, etc. But mostly I'm just digging through cases that have been appealed and trying to figure out how the court should resolve them.

ANTS!

Ants. Everywhere. And I know what you're thinking. We are NOT dirty people. And yes, I have been working out. Thanks for the kind thoughts. I'm totally blushing.

Our apartment is clean! Sure we leave crumbs out all over the floor and we don't put food away and we leave all of our windows and doors open most of the time, but otherwise, we are very clean and orderly. We cannot figure out for the life of us why we suddenly have so many ants in the apartment.

They started appearing about two weeks ago and they march in lines all over the place. Up walls. Across the ceiling. In the bathroom. In the kitchen. A few days ago I spent the better part of an hour killing them with my bare hands.

And I'm not going to lie; it was empowering. And I feel like I got a taste for it and now it's basically all I want to do all day.

In response to all of the ant-advocate hate mail that will be flooding my inbox tomorrow: I kill ants. And I'm proud of it. NOT ALL THINGS DESERVE TO LIVE. Take the television program "Glee" for example.

Trust

The other day I was running home from work: my ongoing attempt to combat adult onset diabetes. In my first four or five months in Palau I gained 25 pounds. And not the good kind of 25 pounds, whatever that is. I did the math and found out that if I kept gaining weight at that speed indefinitely, I would weigh over 1,000 pounds by the time I turned 40.

I was in pretty good shape last October. And then BAM. Rice. Fried foods. Ice cream. Laziness. ALL at the same time. For five months.

I tried to stop but every day the couch and ice cream were so friendly to me and were always like, "Eli, come hang out with us! We understand you!" And, well, I can't just say no to hospitality.

I knew things were bad by January because my pants were no longer buttoning up and I had to start letting my shirt hang over them so others couldn't see that they were open throughout the work day. But then one day I happened upon a scale and I weighed myself. And it was scary.

Guys, I know. I live on a tropical island in perpetual summer. I should have the body of an island god by now. Don't you think I know that? DON'T YOU THINK I EXPECTED THAT TO HAPPEN WITHOUT EFFORT WHEN I MOVED TO THE EQUATOR?!

Pictures & Weekly Distractions

Heading into the weekend here in the land of coconuts, a good 16 or so hours ahead of most of you. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms. You keep this world afloat and Stranger loves you for it. Special wishes to Cathie. You may have intentionally embarrassed me in front of all of my friends every chance you could get throughout my entire adolescence, but you're still a pretty awesome mom. Probably the best one out there. I love you, and wish I wasn't a world away on this Mother's Day. Until I see you again, be careful, and try not to drive into the sun. xo

Daniel's first attempt at water color painting during "art night" this week. I think he's going places, that one!

Twenty Teenagers

Last night I had a very minor freak out in front of the church kids.

It was Wednesday night, which is our night to do activities with the hormonal teenagers. And I could tell that I was ultra-irritable before we even walked into the building because every time I had to move out of my way for a car that was entering the parking lot I could hear screaming inside my head.

That screaming sounded something like "DRIVE YOURSELF OFF OF A CLIFF!!" And then it included strings of morbid death wishes.

I was hungry. That's all. I was just hungry. I don't have a temper problem. Just got really hungry yesterday. And this made me irritable. And it was raining really hard. And it had been a long day at the office. AND I'M ONLY HUMAN GUYS.

Daniel made me snack on something before the activity began and told me he needed me to be on my best behavior. All this because I was responsible and admitted in the car that I was feeling cranky.