Thursday, October 30, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy Halloweeeeeeeen. I don't know why I said it like that. I think I was hoping that it would help you read that word in a creepy voice. But I guess putting all of those extra letters wouldn't necessarily have that effect. Maybe you just read it like how people say "cheese" for pictures. Which isn't spooky at all. But it does make you smile.

So YOU'RE WELCOME FOR EITHER MAKING YOU SAY "HALLOWEEN" IN A CREEPY VOICE OR GETTING YOU TO SMILE.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please feel free to follow me on what the kids are calling the Instagrams.)
With my favorite Australian at the Women's conference.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Dentist Appointment

Announcement: I'll be telling a story on The Porch at 9:00 on Saturday night in Salt Lake City. It's the best story from my life--one some of you have heard, but with some new details and updates that nobody has heard yet. So please come join us if you can and be sure to say hi after. I've already promised to dress super slutty for it. FB event link is here or go to The Porch's site for info here.

Conversation at my Dentist Appointment Today Which I Wish was as Exaggerated as it Seems

Dentist: Welcome back. How have things been?

Eli: Well I tried to do an Ironman but it got cancelled BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CANCEL YOUR DREAMS.

Dentist: Oh. Sorry to hear that. Any pain since your last visit.

Eli: Not really any pain. Well, besides when my toenail fell off after a marathon in July. I named it "Tami."

Monday, October 27, 2014

Giving Back

A quick announcement: I'll be telling a story on the Porch this Saturday evening at 9:00 in Salt Lake City (link to the FB event and link to The Porch's site). I would love to see you there. And I promise to wear something extra low cut and revealing to make it worth your while. (NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, CATHIE).

That time of year is approaching. Pumpkins are being carved. Turkeys are being slaughtered. Christmas lights and music have been ubiquitous for about three months already. And your schedules are about to be bombarded with holiday madness.

WELL LET ME ADD ANOTHER THING FOR YOU TO DO.

A family friend introduced a unique and simple way to "give back" last year when she told us about a little project called Pioneers of Peace. At the behest of Cathie, my family participated in a small challenge and had a good experience doing so. It's a particularly good way to get children involved in giving and feeling like they are playing a role in doing good for the world.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Eli and 1,000 Women

So I'm a lawyer and as a lawyer there are a bunch of requirements I have to meet every year in order to be able to keep practicing law. These include attending eleventy million legal training classes and submitting certificates of completion with the state bar.

As the year has been winding down and as I've realized that I have not been so diligent at finding opportunities to attend these classes, I started to frantically look for available classes about a month ago.

You guys. I was too busy earlier this year. Because TV. And laying on the floor eating candy.

I mentioned this to my friend Annie at work, who as usual was so on the ball that she basically had every single legal education opportunity memorized, categorized in her mind alphabetically, and was probably asked to speak at half of them. She told me that she was going to a great weekend conference in Park City in October and that I should "totally sign up and come too!!!"

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

By the good graces of God, Matt got very very sick this week. He asked me if I could come to his place and take Ollie for a day or two, since he didn't feel up to taking him outside every few hours. When I showed up 14 seconds later, Matt was sitting on the center of his bed, hunched over, and looking like the girl from The Exorcist.

And I was like, "poor Matt. You look awful and WHERE'S OLLIE!??!?" And then I gathered all of Ollie's things, took him home, changed my number, and Rebecca and I entered the Witness Protection Program for good measure.

Rebecca works from home and all throughout the next day I kept getting texts that would say, "Snuggling!" "Playing!" "Sleeping on my lap!" and then occasionally, "LICKING! WHY THE LICKING!?"

Unfortunately Matt found us after he got feeling better and came and took our happiness away.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please follow me on Istagram because PUPPY.)
This is the happiest you'll ever see me. I wish we could say the same for Ollie. ONE-SIDED. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Pomelo Project

I've alluded once or twice to my dear friend Rebecca's innate desire to save the world. While I wish she would devote the same amount of energy toward SHUTTING THE FREAKING KITCHEN CUPBOARDS, I have to admit it's pretty admirable.

Rebecca Lambson: Attorney, neuroscientist, saves the world, has a fake gluten allergy, ruins all of Eli's pans. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Rebecca Rates Eli

Rebecca: And GUESS WHAT ELSE?!

Eli: No. I don't have time for this. We said we were going to be getting work done right now.

Rebecca: I know. But the pillow barrier fell over.

Eli: Huh?

Rebecca: I put up this large pillow to block my view from you. But then it fell over.

Eli: And?

Rebecca: Well it was working really well. I wasn't tempted to distract you by talking when I couldn't see you. Because I'm basically like a horse and if I can't see you sitting there, I think you're probably not there.

Eli: I am so concerned about you.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Ollie Freeway Barf Massacre

You guys. You know how I don't love animals? I mean, it's not like I hate them. It's just that I don't understand them.

When I was a child, we had a number of animals at our house. For example, there was the Queen of Colors. But obviously that wasn't a positive pet experience.

Then I had a bird named Feathers who was mean as Hell and I think may have actually just been a reincarnation of the Queen of Colors. Feathers used to attack anything that was put in his cage. One day he accidentally got out and flew to my closed bedroom door, pacing back and forth in front of it for a good two hours while seven-year-old Eli sat at the far end of the bedroom crying and waiting for Bob and Cathie to come help.

DCFS should have a record of that unexplained two-hour wait.

Then we had an adorable dog named Winnie whom I loved with every fiber of my being and who hated me with every fiber of hers. That dog bit me every single day of her untrained spoiled existence.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So the other day I wrote about how I decided to sign up for Ironman Boulder. And in that post I explained that trying to prepare for and get to Ironman Lake Tahoe was an exhausting experience, in part because I had to drive "halfway across the country." And you guys FREAKED THE HELL OUT in the comments and on Facebook and in emails to me. Because SLC to Tahoe is apparently NOT halfway across the country. And it is offensive to anyone who has ever driven halfway across the country that I made such a claim.

Which got me thinking: I exaggerate an exceptional amount on Stranger. I think somewhere around 10% of what I say is literally true. And for the most part, everyone just rolls with it. But I finally found your breaking point. And that breaking point is overstating how far I had to drive to get somewhere.

AND I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (I love you guys. I seriously wish you could have seen how giddy it made me that several of you called me out on this. You are wonderful.)

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please feel free to stalk follow me on Instagram)
It is amazing the amount of crap Ms. Hannah Rose gets me to do.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Step One, Fail an Ironman. Step Two . . .

You may have heard because I think I mentioned it a little while ago but I tried to do an Ironman this year. You may have also heard that that Ironman did not go, let's see, how do we say this, super well.

As a matter of fact, the Ironman Lake Tahoe race was cancelled just a few minutes before it started because only YOU can prevent forest fires and, well, you failed. Because there was a forest fire. And they canceled the Ironman.

I didn't really care at all because it's not like I trained for it for a year or drove halfway across the country with everything I own in order to compete.

Oh wait. I'm thinking of a different thing. I actually DID train for an entire year for this one race and then drive halfway across the country to compete in it.