Thursday, April 17, 2014


Last night I was in bed at a decent hour, proud of myself for having the self-discipline to get some sleep.

[Ring ring]

Eli: [groggy voice] hello?


Eli: Who is this?

Rebecca: YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS. I need your help.

Eli: Rebecca, did you lose your freaking keys, again!?

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Under the Sink

Last night living-in-sin roommate, Rebecca, and I returned home from Seder. (We apparently think we're Jewish. Shalom!).

It was late and I just wanted to go to bed. You guys. I need to tell you something that isn't a very nice thing to say. Sometimes it's kind of hard to live with Rebecca.

Don't get me wrong. Rebecca is the best roommate I've ever had.


Let's everybody calm down. I feel so on edge when I make references to Daniel because I know I'll suffer the wrath of the Strangers if anything I say could be construed as an attack on him. This is the first time I've ever seen a grown man have tens-of-thousands of protective mothers all at once. AND I'M JEALOUS!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Off to See the Wizard

Maybe it's because I'm turning 30 next month (WHAT?!!??!) but I've been a lot more reflective recently about the direction my little ol' life has gone. And lately I keep finding myself caught up in feeling disappointed because of the things that I've missed throughout my 20s.

I think everyone can probably relate. Everyone is missing something that they've always wanted. Or something that they've always thought they were supposed to have by now. For me, that something has a lot to do with family. As I've seen my friends and peers get hitched and pregnant and sink away into a life of fulfilling family time, I've found myself feeling a little empty. And sometimes sad. I think about the connections my friends have had with their spouses and children. Connections that they've all been building for many years now. Connections that are absent from my life. Disappointingly absent from my life.

And I keep banging my head against the wall, frustrated in the years that have been wasted as I've navigated unsuccessfully through thousands of decisions that have left me turning 30, all by myself.

Then last week I caught part of the Wizard of Oz. It's one of my favorite movies. And I caught it just at the right time because I was able to skip all of the depressing Kansas parts and the psychedelic Munchkin Land sequence.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Last night I hosted the weekly Survivor party at my place (is anyone out there watching Survivor?). I'm trying to turn the party hosting into a cutthroat competition by having good food available and sucking up to all of the attendees by complimenting their hair. Mr. Disney Prince Hair (Brandt) and I alternate hosting it and every week great efforts are made to outdo the last attempt to win the affections of others.

So yesterday I decided to make banana bread. Living-in-sin-roommate, Rebecca, who swears that she can't eat anything that is considered "food" by respectable society, mentioned that I could try to make this bread gluten free. She then pulled out what I now believe was just sawdust and suggested that I replace the flour with it. So I did as she asked.

Is there a disease where your body can only process foods that have gluten in them? Because I think I have that.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
From my bike ride this week up the canyon. I almost died of overexertion getting to this point. Please tell me the Ironman is going to be all down hill.  

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Rebecca's Allergies

Just now my living-in-sin roommate, Rebecca, and I were sitting in the apartment working.

Rebecca: I'm allergic to something.

Eli: Ok . . . do you want to talk about it?

Rebecca: What is this couch made of?

Eli: You think you might be allergic to my couch?

Rebecca: Don't look at me like that. Allergies are a real thing.

Eli: Oh. Right. Like your wheat "allergy?"

Rebecca: For the last time, THAT IS A REAL THING!

Monday, April 7, 2014

St. George Misery

This weekend Brandt (AKA Mr. Disney Prince Hair) and I ventured south to the magical land of St. George Utah. We thought this was a good idea because the half Ironman in St. George has somehow become only four weeks away and we thought the trip would give us an opportunity to check out the course. Also, I hoped that I could get some of my the-last-time-I-was-here-I-almost-drown-in-the-lake anxiety out of my system.

We showed up on Friday and arose bright and early Saturday to attempt a swim. I busted out Larry the wetsuit (he says "hi" by the way). We peacefully wandered down the dock. Put on our goggles. Did some arm stretches because that's what other people were doing. And then jumped into the water.


Encounters with Strangers

You guys, I have a million things to tell you. I feel like we are so behind on one another's lives right now. There's so much gossip floating around in my head. But I don't have time to tell you all of it right this second because RESPONSIBILITY.

Responsibility is THE WORST.

Today I'll leave you the video of last Thursday's story on The Porch. A big thank you to my good friend Kyle who came and recorded it. Normally Jolyn does this with a camera from 1946 but Jolyn is on thin ice right now from the whole Star Wars April Fools' Day prank so I asked Kyle for assistance. He's 1,000 times more responsible than me or Jolyn so it was probably a good choice anyway. And to Jolyn's credit, she sat right next to him the whole time and didn't even sabotage his attempts or try to ruin anyone's lives forever.

We had her checked for illness immediately afterward.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

April Fools' Day

Jolyn Metro is the worst human being who has ever lived.

Yesterday afternoon I had noticed that things seemed far too quiet for April Fools' Day. Nothing had really happened. No mention of the holiday. No terribly mean pranks to basically ruin my life. Nothing.

And then, sometime around 3:00 PM, I received a text message.

"May the force be with you."

It was from a number I didn't recognize. I thought this was odd. But I was busy and not really in a place to deal with it and try to convince the person on the other end to go halfsies on couple Snuggies.

The Law Firm

I will be telling a story on The Porch Thursday evening in Provo. If you're interested in joining us, you can find tickets and information here. If you do come, be sure to say hi and compliment my hair and outfit.

I was just thinking about how one year ago this month I flew from Palau to the United States of God Bless America for a quick trip to interview with the law firm at which I now work. My suit didn't quite fit because of all of the Palau weight that I had gained so I didn't button up my pants. I used my belt to hide this fact.

I was tired from the 36 hours of travel and the 17-hour time difference I experienced having come from Palau. I was cold and my skin was drying out faster than all of the moisturizers in the world could possibly combat.

Monday, March 31, 2014

House Rules

First, an announcement. After a three or four month hiatus in which we didn't know whether we would ever be welcome again due to an inexcusable amount of talking about poop, The Porch has invited us back. I'll be telling a story this Thursday evening at Muse Music in Provo. You can find the link for tickets and other details here. The theme this time will be "Encounters with Strangers." As always, we are thrilled to go back to The Porch and hope to see some of you there.

A significant change has just occurred in my life. I sort of got a new roommate. I mentioned recently that Kurt moved away. About ten seconds later my friend Rebecca, who was living in my building, told me that her lease was ending in her apartment and that she needed a place to stay for one month until she moves to Paris. Rebecca and I went to law school together and have become particularly close friends since I moved into her building six months ago. She asked me if she could "crash" at my place temporarily, since I have an extra bedroom and since I'm desperate for company and attention.

I sort of thought she was joking. So it was easy to say yes. Then on Friday I came home and found woman things all over my apartment.