Sunday, July 5, 2015

Well Look What the Stork Brought

My baby sister emitted human life from her womb on Thursday. This is her third child. I was ecstatic for little Lucy to come because:

A. Baby sister makes sassy adorable children and I want to keep one.

B. I want exactly 300,000 nieces because it is impossible to have enough nieces and if the sisters have enough babies maybe they won't notice when I keep one.

C. It is 100,000 degrees in Salt Lake City all the time always right now and baby sister should not have to be pregnant in such conditions.

D. All of the above.

And the answer is D. But I'll give credit if you chose A or B. Because mostly those ones.

I was getting confusing texts from Cathie for most of the day while I sat in my office, wondering when it would be "safe" for me to make my way to the hospital.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Did you guys hear that this weekend is The United States of God Bless America's birthday? Party hard, Strangers. Tami and I will be barbecuing if anyone wants to come over. She's in charge of the potato salad this year.

Also, my baby sister is emitting human life from her womb as we speak. Cathie keeps texting me things like "GET YOUR FANNY TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW AND SUPPORT YOUR SISTER AS SHE EXPERIENCES THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!" But I had to watch that movie in tenth grade health class so I'm shuffling papers in my office and pretending to be really busy until I get the "all clear" from Krishelle that the bad scifi scene is over. Then I will swoop in and steal that baby because it's my turn.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
With Mr. Pants on Father's Day

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Disneyland Emails

Did you guys know you can email Disneyland on pretty much any topic and they will respond to you right away?


To: Disneyland
From: June Snapple
Subject: Fairy-tale Wedding

Dear Disneyland,

I am very interested in the magical fairy-tale wedding you offer but due to circumstances entirely outside of my control, I must have some special accommodations. Who should I speak with about these accommodations? I've got a thousand dollars cash money and even more dreams!

June Snapple
PTA President, 2001 - Present

Monday, June 29, 2015

Eli's Swamp

I know this story is going to sound exaggerated but I swear to you it is not. You guys. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. The decisions I make? A mess. The ways in which I attempt to correct the messes I make? A mess.

This weekend I was exhausted. The Boulder Ironman is now somehow only a month away. Hashtag what the hell. Hashtag I don't deserve this I didn't do anything wrong. Hashtag dark magic.

Because it is somehow right around the corner AGAIN, I have been frantically trying to cram an entire year's worth of training into every single day because I am terrified. I shouldn't be as terrified as I am. I've been training extremely hard. But as you may have gathered if you've read Stranger before, Ironman and I have sort of a rocky history and I'm not really convinced that it isn't intentionally trying to kill me.

So, because of the above-mentioned, I got up every day last week before most of you even went to bed three days before (don't think about that too hard or I'll lose all credibility and then I'll have literally nothing). I woke up early for excessively long training runs or swims or bike rides and by the time the weekend hit, I was no longer a normal functioning adult human. And that's probably how the below happened.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Musical Cars and Meth Labs

At any given time there are eleventy cars in my driveway. This is mostly because at any given time Young Wade owns eleventy cars. I'm not kidding you about this. He has this hobby where he buys cars at auction, drives them for a hot minute, and then sells them.

I have no idea whether this is profitable or whether it is worth the hassle, but he seems to enjoy it. So much so that I get eleventy texts from him every single day with pictures of vehicles and a series of emoticons I have no idea how he accesses because nobody has ever shown me an emoticon manual and BACK IN MY DAY if you wanted to learn how to use something, you had to look at the manual.

Nowadays, everything is just intuitive for the kids. You go buy a phone or an i-thingy or a mac-a-something and there are absolutely no instructions on how to use it. The kids just pick it up and immediately know how to navigate the universe on their touch screen. WHILE DRIVING.

When I was a kid we found out that the library computers had this unbelievable technology where you could tap on the computer screen to navigate the book selections. So we, the children of the '90s, BEGGED our respective Bobs and Cathies to take us. This was only a few years after my entire family gathered around an answering machine one evening, excitedly, to watch Bob nervously record the outgoing message. Then we called Aunt Diana and asked her to call us back to see if it worked and when it did we JUMPED up and down and screamed.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Things

My friend and I were sitting in a bookstore a few hours ago watching a hipster play a violin (quite well, I might add). He interrupted his own music every once in a while to give a very long explanation about how we are all "connected" and something about "use things, love people, and don't mix those up."

This was clearly an event for a crowd I only vacation in occasionally, usually wishing that I could find a way to stay longer. Just like real vacations. And, just like in real vacations, my quick glimpses into hippie-ville are interrupted by these things called REALITY. And RESPONSIBILITY. And sometimes LAZY. 

The hipster went on for while until he was interrupted by the extremely dramatic entrance of a man quoting poetry in his loudest voice and from the back of the room. He sauntered in, yelling words that nobody was listening to because none of us were quite sure whether someone else had called security already or whether nobody had called security because everyone had assumed that someone else had. 

This is why I always call 911 when Glee comes on TV. I never want us to fall in that "someone else is probably taking care of this" trap.

Things I've Heard the Plumber Say from the Other Room So Far this Morning

"Hahahahahahahahaha. Well THAT was unexpected."

"There's one thing I know for sure and that's that you can't beat the price of bread!"

"It wouldn't be a big deal if Mary would just stop feeding everything that walks up to the house."

"I could have been an artist, you know! A real artist!"

"Of course the whole country went to pot when ol' what's-his-name took over. Thanks Obama."

[Lots of drill sounds] "The only difference between me and the dentist is that I don't give you a toothbrush at the end. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Maybe if washing machines came with a garbage disposal we wouldn't even need kitchen sinks anymore."

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Rebecca has been out of my life for two weeks now and I'M NOT PLEASED. I haven't heard much from her. But last weekend she called me at some probably illegal hour, because that's the only time she ever calls me, and left a very long and confusing voicemail in which I heard such phrases as "flood!" and "excessive water damage!" and "my hair is very pretty!" and "and don't you dare say this is a girl who cried wolf situation!"

I waited 48 hours to text her, asking if she was ok. She responded that whatever the crisis was, she got it all worked out and not to worry.

You guys. Why did it take me this many years to figure out the trick to avoiding Rebecca's disasters?

But gosh I miss her.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
"Bad Influence"

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Mega Drought

Dispatch: 911. What's your emergency?

Eli: Ok. So real quick--I'm not sure that this is an emergency.

Dispatch: Eli. Seriously? Again?

Eli: There is water BILLOWING down the street. BILLOWING.

Dispatch: And what is your concern?

Eli: Well, maybe you haven't heard about the MEGA DROUGHT!?

Dispatch: So you are worried that water is being wasted?

Eli: Yes.

Dispatch: And you called 911 over this?

Monday, June 15, 2015

Jurassic World: Is America Getting Dumber?

You guys.

I saw Jurassic World this weekend. And oh my gosh. YOU GUYS.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?

Seriously. Are we getting dumber? Is America getting dumber?!

I know the entire Internets are already full of people complaining about things and tearing apart whatever you love. And I know that I don't need to be yet another one of those voices of hate. But I'm going to be right this minute. Because I sat through all 247 hours of Jurassic World this weekend AND THIS IS MY ONLY OUTLET OK?!

I would warn you that this post is going to be a spoiler for the movie. But I don't think it actually is a spoiler. Because a movie has to have a plot in order for one to spoil it. And Jurassic World HAS NO PLOT.