Sunday, June 16, 2019

Like getting bought by Google

Last month Meg called me and said The Beehive wanted to take over Strangerville Live and I was like HOW COULD YOU THIS IS OUR BABY and Meg was like "they've offered to handle the logistics so we only have to worry about developing the stories and not hauling stages and chairs across the state" so then I immediately signed over all of my Constitutional rights and emailed them my social security number. They said that was all unnecessary but I'd do it again if they also offered to take over my laundry.

The point is, Strangerville Live is now a production of The Beehive, and we could not be more thrilled about it. This feels exactly like when you develop an app and then google buys it for 12 billion dollars. I've already replaced all of Duncan's teeth with pure gold.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Return of the Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie

Three things:

First, look how organized I am making lists and stuff I'M AMAZING SHOWER ME WITH COMPLIMENTS AND GOLD.

Second, my friend Andrea listened to the Strangerville episodes on the refugee crisis a while back (you can find them here and here) and because she's an amazing person who will be running the cafeteria in heaven (heaven's most coveted job, 3 trillion years in a row), she decided to do something about it. Andrea has organized a little charity event to raise some money for an organization that sends people and resources to the border to aide traumatized women and children.

Andrea gathered some local people who will be performing music. She asked Meg and me if we would sing and I was like YES MEG AND I WOULD LOVE TO PERFORM I GOT YOU BABE TOGETHER but then Meg was like I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ELI AND I ARE CONNECTED and I was like THEN YOU ARE MAKING A LOT OF VERY CONFUSING CHOICES IN YOUR LIFE.

Anyway, Meg is going to host the show and I'm going to tell a story and you guys should all come. It's in Riverton, Utah on June 22. It will be a very relaxed evening. I think there may be a silent auction as well. All proceeds from tickets and any other donations will go to the charity. So come! It will be fun! You can find more info through the Facebook event page HERE and the Eventbrite ticket page HERE.

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Connie Crochet

I was about 7 when I spent my first ever one-on-one quality time with grandma on my mom's side. At least, that's the first time I remember having quality one-on-one time with her. My family was visiting her in her small farm town on the Mexican border in southern California in the house where my mom finished high school.

Grandma ("Nonna") was only 60 at the time. I can't believe that's true. I just had to use a calculator to verify because that seemed so impossible to me. In my mind, she was always this little old lady, and 60 is not old to me anymore.

Anyway, we had been at a family party one night in the small farm town when my grandpa showed up. My grandparents were divorced long ago and my grandpa had done some bad things over the years and he wasn't a particularly pleasant person to be around. I was a small child so I was relatively unaware of what was happening, but looking back I can fill in some blanks and see that it was decided by my grandma and the other adults that she would head home pretty shortly after he arrived.

I had been fighting with a cousin who was a few years older than me and I really didn't want to be at the family party anymore either. My mom must have noticed that because I was suddenly being sent out to my grandma's car, arm-in-arm, to head back to grandma's house. Two buddies who were breaking away from a party early to go have our own party.

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

You guys--people are mad right now and I can't hold them off any longer. All of a sudden in the last couple of weeks I've had multiple Strangers out of the blue write concerned and angry messages about where the hell the Traveling Snuggie ended up. I was hoping y'all would forget about it if enough time passed because I was too scared to tell you that THE TRAVELING SNUGGIE GOT STOLEN BY TERRORISTS. I think. Or it just got lost. All we know after extensive investigation is that it is missing due to the fault of no one except for the terrorists somewhere near Iowa or Ohio or one of those states that decides all our elections.

I've been thinking for a while that we should just start a new Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie quest but I haven't done it yet because lazy and tv and eating. So, you need to tell me if I should make this happen again.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:
With tons of help from our friend Emily, we finally fixed up my dad's 1968 bike.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

Back to School

Months and months ago I was sitting at home one evening when suddenly I decided I should enroll in school.

To be honest, wine was involved. NotThatWeKnowWhatWineIs.

I googled "writing class" on my phone and found one through the University of Utah and without doing any further investigation, I texted Meg, "I think I want to take a writing course."

Meg replied, "are you inviting me or is just some weird flex."

I told Meg that I was obviously inviting her so she said she would take the class with me. The next thing I knew, I was typing my credit card numbers into the internet, one glass of Merlot sloshing in the other hand, shouting to Skylar in the other room "I'M GOING TO BE A WRITER" but I said "writer" in a weird accent that was probably not French or anything real.

The next day I saw Meg and asked her whether she signed up for the class yet because I was all excited to sit next to her in the back and copy her homework and say stuff like, "ugh, school is the worst!" and then high five her.

Sunday, June 2, 2019

This is why I'm so careful about responding to your comments.

I met Meg because we both told stories at The Porch back in 2014. She was funny and I immediately wanted to be friends with her. We ran into each other a time or two after that but I never recognized her because #facialblindness.

Then one day I wrote a less-than-supportive review of the cinematic masterpiece, Jurassic World, and Meg, who is like so obsessed with me, chimed in.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Farm House

I know this is the last thing I need in my life right now, but you guys.

On Sunday Bob and Cathie drove me and Skylar and my sister Krishelle to the great northern tundra that is southern Idaho to pay respects to deceased family members. My mom's parents both grew up around that area. I had never before been because we don't really have family up there anymore. At least none that we know.

My grandparents got married and moved out of the area, eventually settling down in a Southern California desert that is so hot you can see it from space. My grandma still has some cousins or nephews or friends she met at girls camp or what have you in the area, but my family is so huge that it's not really possible to keep track of anything beyond immediate family. I know I've told you people this before and you didn't believe me, but I have over 70 first cousins. FIRST cousins.

So, no. I don't know my second cousins or what they're up to or what Hogwarts house they belong to (Hufflepuff, all of them, I'm sure).

Nonetheneverthelesswithstanding, I've got ancestral homies buried all over that place and since I had never been my mom decided we ought to take a drive to lay flowers on their graves because we're respectful like that.

What I discovered as we entered what I am told was a town called "Mink Creek" is that this area--the area from which my grandparents availed and which they have kept from me for 35 years--is the most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life.

Monday, May 27, 2019

35th Birthday Surprise

Skylar told me he had a surprise for my 35th birthday and I was exceptionally concerned about this because look. I love that man. But, his surprises are sometimes terrifying. This one was no exception.

He stuffed me into his car last week and drove me basically to the North Pole, saying every few minutes "are you exciiiitteed????" I told him I was more nervous than excited.

Then suddenly he pulled into a parking lot that had a large sign that said "SKYDIVING" on it.

I had something of an out-of-body experience when I saw it. I just started yelling "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO."

Skylar tried reasoning with me. "You can't just spring something like this on someone!" I yelled at him.

He said that he had to surprise me with this because if he had given me advance warning, I would have just been a walking anxiety attack for the days or weeks leading up to the event.

Fair.

Thursday, May 23, 2019

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

It's been raining in Salt Lake for eleventy days and #We'reThankfulForTheMoisture but the problem is I now have a mushroom garden in my entire lawn and it's stressing me out because I'm no farmer. So the other day I was out in the front yard scooping them up to throw them away and Skylar saw me doing it so he shouted at me "DON'T EAT THOSE THEY ARE POISON."

It was one of those moments where I suddenly got some unexpected insight on how little he thinks of my judgment and general knowledge.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:
My momma made me a quilt for my birthday.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Mean Girls

Someone taught Matt how to use the internet so now he's employed one of them what-the-kids-are-calling "apps" to turn all of us into women.

Snapchat? I think it's the snapchats. Or maybe the instagrams. Or myspace. I don't know. What I do know is he can apparently take our pictures and have us re-imagined as a different gender.

And so, today, in the middle of a work day mind you, I got a text from him that just said "It's a very busy day today!"

Then about a minute later he followed it up with this: