Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Heart Monitors

I wore the heart monitor for ten long days, just like I was instructed. I slept with it. I ate with it. I watched an excessive amount of TV with it. It's basically the longest and most healthy relationship I've ever had. If it could have provided Bob and Cathie grandchildren there would have been pretty much nothing left to look for in a lifelong companion.

But like all relationships I've ever known, the time came for me to take it back to the doctor last Thursday.

I turned it in. Then, like I was a rat in a lab, they hooked me up to 1,000 other pieces of equipment and had me lay down on table so they could do another what the kids are calling "EKG" which has still not really been explained to me using words I've learned.

Then, still hooked up to eleventy million things, they had me get on a treadmill half naked and run while a monitor showed what was happening with my heart. This was miserable, but also sort of interesting because I felt like I was on an episode of House.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Pioneer Day Catastrophes

I hadn't planned on working Friday because PIONEER DAY. The pioneers would not want me to work on the greatest holiday of all time and I'm respectful to their wishes because I was raised right. Hashtag Bob and Cathie grinding their own wheat when I was a child.

But then Thursday night happened. A number of work emergencies popped up and kept me on the phone until quite late. And, as though work emergencies have no respect for bonnets and the Utah state song, they ate most of my Friday as well.

I sat, in my home, working for most of the day, stressed out, filled to the top with anxiety. I texted a coworker to ask whether I could enter the witness protection program to hide from my job but he replied that it's already too full of lawyers and they aren't accepting any more at this time.

The evening came and a handful of friends showed up. I had agreed to host a Pioneer Day party for the non-Utah-born-and-raised heathens in my life so I could teach them a number of pioneer songs and help them understand the glory of Tami's birthday. I put the work down. We cooked absurd amounts of food and enjoyed ourselves in my backyard until exactly 10:25 when Young Wade made a comment that changed everything.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

THE GREATEST DAY OF THE YEAR!

You guys.

Are you sitting down? Are you in a padded room? Have you taken your Xanax? Is there someone around to restrain you?

You guys!

PIONEER DAY IS THIS WEEK!!!!

And now the July 24th Pioneer Day is even more special because it is also Tami's birthday!

I can't believe she's one already. So many hair styles in such a short amount of time.

In case you live under a rock and are somehow unaware of THE GREATEST HOLIDAY OF ALL TIME IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THE HOLIDAYS DURING WHICH THERE IS A PARADE AND SANTA ROLLS DOWN THE STREET IN A RECLINER:

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Emails with a Tickler

Last week one Stranger named Kate sent me the below Craigslist ad:



To: Craigslist Tickler
From: June Snapple
Subject: **Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

Dear Craigslist Tickler,

Are you still looking for someone who enjoys being tickled for cash money? I'm in a pickle. A tickle pickle, if you will. And I need some work. Please respond at your earliest convenience.

June Snapple
Herder of Hogs

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Last weekend I went on a much needed road trip to Jackson Wyoming with my home girls Anna and Emma. We also stopped in the-middle-of-nowhere-Idaho on the way to Jackson and forced our friend Jake into the car. I swear to you that I think I consumed over 100,000 calories in three days. I'm going to have to do ten Ironman races to avoid diabetes. But ya'll. The food is good in Jackson.

Anna emailed us last week to suggest some possible camping spots. Woman-after-my-own-heart Emma responded 20 seconds later with a link to the most comfortable resort turned up by the googles. I emphatically agreed. Glamping commenced two days later. Hashtag it's important to keep people in your life who "get it."

And now, your Pictures and Distractions.
High above Jackson Wyoming and the Grand Tetons.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

An Unfortunate Sequel

Doctor: So I understand you have had some new episodes.

Eli: It sounds so dramatic when you say it in that voice!

Doctor: Well your heart started racing and you got light-headed and fainted. That's pretty dramatic.

Eli: I'm sorry. Did you say something? I'm having a hard time focusing because I keep saying over and over in my mind "don't take your pants off until they ask you to!"

Doctor: I want to run an EKG.

Eli: Come again?

Doctor: An EKG.

Eli: No thank you. I've already had breakfast.

Monday, July 13, 2015

The People of Ironman Boulder

Ironman Boulder is now somehow less than three weeks away AND OH MY GOSH WHO IS IN CHARGE OF TIME AND WHY ARE THEY MESSING IT UP!?

You guys. THREE WEEKS.

Wasn't it just, like, yesterday that I was telling you all about how the Tahoe Ironman was cancelled and I never wanted to exercise again but that I signed up for a race that was nearly a whole year away because dreams and goals and all of that garbage? And you guys gave me all of that BS about "never give up on your passion" and "be your own hero" and all of that other nonsense that's easy to say when you're not the one who has to then exercise for the next year? Wasn't that YESTERDAY that that all happened?

WHY IS THE IRONMAN IN THREE WEEKS?!?!

I knew I should have made a paper chain counting down the days because then nobody could have pulled this fast one on me. I could have carefully tracked the time and when I suddenly realized that the Ironman was three weeks away I could have surveyed the paper chain and been like, "nope. I've only pulled one link off." And then they would see the chain and be all like, "we are so sorry. The Ironman is far away in the future. Not three weeks away. Your hair is the wind beneath Bette Midler's wings."

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Matthew Pants went to his home state of Mississippi (or, as he calls it, "Miss'ippi") to remodel his house there and sell it. He left Mr. Ollie Pants in my enthusiastic care. Mr. Pants and I have had our ups and downs this week.

Ups: Every moment in which we have gazed into one another's eyes in gentle longing affection.

Downs: 3:00 AM barking at nothing in particular on Wednesday night followed by two hours of dropping toys on my head.

Young Wade tried to take him from me one night so I could "sleep in peace." I acted like he was a social worker trying to take my baby from me. You guys. I love this animal too much.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
With Mr. Pants!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Disneyland Emails II

Last week I posted Disneyland Emails. I had sent emails to a few different places in the massive Disneyland network. The response I got from Aimee happened first, but I also got a response from another person. I wasn't going to post this because it didn't got on for very long, but then I thought that Michelle needed to be shared with the world.


To: Disneyland
From: June Snapple
Subject: My Special Fairy-Tale Wedding

Dear Disneyland,

I am looking to have a magical fairy-tale wedding, but due to some circumstances entirely outside of my control, it is necessary that I request a few special accommodations. With whom should I speak regarding these accommodations?

June Snapple
Flicks for Trix, Founder

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Well Look What the Stork Brought

My baby sister emitted human life from her womb on Thursday. This is her third child. I was ecstatic for little Lucy to come because:

A. Baby sister makes sassy adorable children and I want to keep one.

B. I want exactly 300,000 nieces because it is impossible to have enough nieces and if the sisters have enough babies maybe they won't notice when I keep one.

C. It is 100,000 degrees in Salt Lake City all the time always right now and baby sister should not have to be pregnant in such conditions.

D. All of the above.

And the answer is D. But I'll give credit if you chose A or B. Because mostly those ones.

I was getting confusing texts from Cathie for most of the day while I sat in my office, wondering when it would be "safe" for me to make my way to the hospital.