Sunday, August 30, 2015

Mono

I was standing in line at Starbucks on Thursday morning to get some pumpkin bread BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND I CAN EAT PUMPKIN FLAVORED FOODS WHENEVER I WANT SO BACK OFF. I somehow accidentally pocket Facetimed Rebecca and she answered before I could disconnect.

Rebecca does this thing when she Facetimes where she holds the phone really close to her face so that only about 60% of her face is visible on the screen. While she's very beautiful even up close, this is always alarming at first. She also talks VERY LOUDLY on the phone.

And so, suddenly, giant Rebecca face appeared on my phone.

Rebecca: ELI, I HAVE MONO!!!!

Eli: [Mouths "sorry" to all 40 people who are now looking at him] uh . . . hi, Rebecca.

Rebecca: MONO!!!

Eli: Ok. Are you sure?

Rebecca: Yes. This isn't like one of my other diseases. I actually got tested for this.

Eli: Did you just finally admit that your gluten allergy isn't real?

Rebecca: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! I have mono and I got it from YOU!!!

[Everyone in Starbucks gives Eli a disapproving look. The woman in line next to him takes one judgmental step away.]

Eli: Ok. Why on Earth do you think you got this from me? I haven't even seen you since, like, May. You could have gotten this from anyone.

Rebecca: Are you implying I'm a hussy?!

Eli: No. And I'm not even convinced that you know what that word means. I'm just saying that it's unlikely that you got mono from me. We never even made out.

Rebecca: You don't have to make out with someone to get mono from them!

Eli: So how do you think I gave it to you then?

Rebecca: Well we lived together for so long and we shared food and toothbrushes all the time so I think you transferred the disease that way.

Eli: Uh . . . we did not share toothbrushes . . .

Rebecca: . . . oh . . . right. We didn't. I never used your toothbrush 20 or 30 times when I couldn't find mine. I didn't do that.

Eli: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Rebecca: Anyway, I know I got this from you because you basically make out with the whole world so there's no way you don't have mono by now.

Eli: So now I'm the hussy?

Rebecca: You know you want that reputation so don't act all indignant.

Eli: Fine. But I don't think I have mono. I feel fine.

Rebecca: Probably because it's dormant in you!

Eli: Like my heart?

Rebecca: Just like your heart.

Eli: Well, even if I have mono, I really doubt I gave it to you. I don't think we shared food as often as you think we did.

Rebecca: That doesn't matter!

Eli: Hang on a minute, Rebecca. I'm at the front of the line. I need to order.

[Eli then places his phone on the counter in front of the Starbucks barista. Rebecca's giant face doesn't stop yelling.]

Rebecca: You sound JUST like those people who don't think they can get STDs from one-time promiscuity! You only have to be a whore once and then BOOM! GONORRHEA!

Eli: [To the mortified-looking barista] I'm so sorry. She's a troubled youth. This is a Big Brother program thing.

Rebecca: I CAN HEAR YOU! And for the record, I am NOT a troubled youth! I'm a very wholesome half-French woman and Eli has basically given me STDs against my will!

Eli: Hanging up on you now, Rebecca!

Rebecca: No! Wait!

Click.

~It Just Gets Stranger

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Someone mistakenly parked in my assigned spot in the underground parking at the office and then left the country for the rest of the month. I informed the relevant people and they temporarily assigned me to park in a previously unassigned spot until the offender returns and moves her car. Unfortunately the spot they assigned me to is a handicapped spot, so every day when I pull into it and climb out of my vehicle, I get dirty looks from whoever happens to be nearby and I keep finding myself implicitly wanting to limp as I walk or otherwise act like I'm in pain rather than attempt to explain the truth.

I can't be sure, but I think yesterday morning I saw a woman try to take a picture of me as I was retrieving my gym bag from the car. I am SO going to end up on America's Most Wanted over this.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
I stole this from Mr. Pants's Instagram account. Because I need you to see how he looks after getting out of the bath.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The Ten Most Annoying Instagram Posts

I'll start this off by admitting that I am a regular and unapologetic offender of at least some of these things on my own Instagram account. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OK DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO!!!!


1. Gratuitous selfies that have nothing to do with the caption:

OMG my totes BFF Tami comes back from her trip today i have missed her so much these last two days ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!! #loveher #bestfriend #myperson

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Kirtland

A friend had told me that Cleveland is apparently only like 20 minutes from a town called Kirtland and when I heard this I acted like I had won the lottery because I would be going to Cleveland in a few days and Kirtland is an old Mormon pioneer town so I immediately assumed that every day in Kirtland must be just a huge Pioneer Day and OH MY GOSH WHY DON'T WE ALL LIVE IN KIRTLAND!??!??!

I arrived in Cleveland bright and early on Thursday morning after spending the night on two red eye flights. I abruptly retrieved my rental car, located Kirtland on my phone, and ventured onward.

You guys. I was so excited to see this place that I drove to it before even checking into a hotel and after flying through the night.

I'm a history nerd. I was a history major in college. I have been known to venture far off the direct route on road trips just to visit places that once had a historically significant building near them. I'm one of those hippies that goes to a spot where an important thing happened and gets goosebumps because OH MY GOSH CAN YOU FEEL THE ENERGY!!!?

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

This week I ventured off to Cleveland. Before doing so Bob and Cathie informed me that I would certainly die. I didn't take this very seriously because they always tell me these things when I go anywhere in the world (with, ironically, the exception of war-torn Ukraine, which they seem to have accepted as the safest place for me to go).

But alas. I was not killed in Cleveland. Fortunately. Or unfortunately, depending on how much you like or dislike me. I was, however, told by a woman on the street that I have "the best hair on a white boy" she's ever seen. I'm not kidding you about this. This actually happened. I thought for a second that she must have been a Stranger, but she gave no other indication that this was so. I think she just genuinely gave me the best hair compliment anyone has ever received. And I'm going to ride this high for a full decade.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
New Edison bulb string lights for my old patio (thanks, Costco!).

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Flat Tire

Ring ring

Eli: Yes, sister?

Krishelle: Well I don't know what else to do. Everything is a mess.

Eli: Want to go back a little and give me some context?

Krishelle: I'm under an overpass and I'm probably going to die here and no one will help me and . . . just a sec . . . [clearly yelling to someone else] no, thank you sir! I just have a flat tire. But my brother is going to come and help me . . . no, really . . . I don't need any help. He's on his way. Thank you, though!

Eli: You have a flat tire somewhere?

Krishelle: Not just "somewhere." I have a flat tire on my car.

Eli: And you don't know how to change it?

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Water Heater

I went for a run this weekend even though I made a solemn promise to all of you and to the universe that after Ironman Boulder I would never exercise again. But as it turns out, my body be doing crazy things lately.

I had a hard time figuring out what was going on at first. I felt this unbelievable amount of anxious energy, like I could run up a mountain, crab style, like the Exorcist girl. Also, I've been insanely hungry. ALL THE TIME ALWAYS. If you guys saw how many jumbo bags of peanut M&Ms I've gone through in the last 14 days you would probably start petitioning to have me on the next season of My 600 Pound Life.

I knew this couldn't be menopause because I've never gone through puberty. Naturally, then, I assumed that this was all because of disease and so last Thursday I took 5 minutes and jotted out a very simple will.

Mr. Ollie Pants will go to Matt, Jolyn gets my wig collection, and everything else goes to Bob and Cathie. I also gave very strict instructions to Young Wade to go through my whole house and get rid of all the "not that we know what that is, Cathie" paraphernalia before anyone can come over and start going through my stuff. Like, for example, my slutty outfits.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I got a haircut today NOT THAT I EVER NEED A HAIRCUT BECAUSE MY HAIR NATURALLY GROWS TO THE PERFECT LENGTH AND THEN STOPS. Anyway, I walked the four blocks from my office in the middle of the afternoon to Ashley at Array Salon (shout out!) and it was eleventy thousand degrees so by the time I got there my whole back looked like I had just gone down a water slide at a disease-ridden water park.

Well, they make you lay down at this place I go to so they can wash your hair before they cut it, which is good because if they didn't my hair would literally never get washed. But today it was mortifying because when I got up from the bench, there was a big sweaty wet mark where my back had been and homegirl had to clean it off

You guys. I'm trash. And I'm running out of places I can still go to.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
Matt's birthday party.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Best Assistant Ever

Brianne: Did you notice that I folded all of the clothes scattered about your office and put them in neat piles?

Eli: That large stack of sweaters is all mine?

Brianne: Yes. They've been collecting here for about 2 years.

Eli: Oh. I didn't notice I had clothes here.

Brianne: You didn't notice the 6 sweaters, 5 pairs of pants, 4 pairs of shoes, 2 suits, and 9 shirts that were laying on the floor and that you've had to step over ever day for many months?

Eli: I try not to look down. It seems snobbish. 

Brianne: Well, if you would have looked down every once in a while, maybe you would have noticed the several opened packages of cookies and 3 rotting bananas next to your desk.

Eli: Cookies?!

Brianne: I threw them away.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Golfing

There was this big golf tournament with the firm and some clients last summer and I had experienced an excessive amount of anxiety over this because I, Eli Whittlebottom McCann, do not golf.

You guys. First of all. I think golf is the most insanely boring activity that has ever been imagined by the human brain. And this is coming from someone who spent his childhood wandering fabric stores with Cathie.

I do not understand it. I have tried. I really, truly, have tried. But I just do not understand how anyone can engage in this activity by choice and call it "fun."

Every time I express these feelings, Bob is somewhere off in the corner, holding a golf club, one tear silently rolls down his right cheek.

Look, Bob, I wish we could bond over this, too. But I just can't. You have golf and I have laying on the floor after work eating candy until it's time for bed. We don't have to have all of the same hobbies.