Thursday, July 20, 2017

Medical School

If you've been reading Stranger for a while, these might be your general impressions about the people of Stranger:

Bob and Cathie: Hippies who don't want their children to be exposed to any form of indecency.

Matt: Knows how to do everything and speaks to his family in such a strong southern accent that he's technically bilingual.

Jolyn: Inevitably responsible for the upcoming Apocalypse.

Brianne: Eli's organic life support.

Herminda: Bravely forges on after being exposed to repeated accidental nudity.

Rebecca: A (welcome) complication in Eli's life.

Skylar: Completely unaware of anything that happened prior to 2011.

And if the above is true, that's actually a shame. Because it means that you don't know anything about Jolyn's surprising talent for braiding armpit hair. And it also means that you don't know that Skylar is actually a genius and he's going to support all of us one day.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Rebecca and Pillows

Ring ring

Eli: Becky?!

Rebecca: I HAVE TRIED TO CALL YOU 27 TIMES!

Eli: No. You have tried to call me 2 times.

Rebecca: I COULD HAVE BEEN MURDERED!

Eli: Someone was trying to murder you?

Rebecca: Someone is always trying to murder me! That's why I call you!

Eli: I would encourage you to reach out to an emergency response team and not a 33-year-old man 2,000 miles away who just realized he has 11 pillows in his house despite having never bought a pillow in his life.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

The World of Embarrassment

We have somehow arrived at Episode 18 in our Strangerville journey. I don't know why it took us so long to do this episode. It is basically It Just Gets Stranger's theme music. Today, three incredible stories about truly the most embarrassing things I can imagine happening to a human.

And that's coming from ME. You know. The guy who once unnecessarily wandered around a Korean airport completely naked.

Today's episode contains a very special treat thanks to all of you. Sometime ago I asked you to share your most embarrassing moments on the Stranger Facebook page. You delivered. And then some. Meg and I were delighted to include some of our favorites from your offering in this episode. So check it out, and feel a little closer to your wonderfully-awkward Stranger family.

As always, thanks for your incredible support of Strangerville and the outpouring of love as we have embarked on this beautiful journey, collecting stories and sharing the best parts of life with you. We love you.

Please enjoy:

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I swear to you I'm going camping this weekend. I KNOW. This basically isn't even America anymore. I've been writing Stranger for hundreds of years now and during that time I have alerted you no less than 75 thousand and eleventy times that camping is a lie perpetrated by the Chinese to make us all communists. And I know that it's basically unconstitutional that I would do this more than once. AND I'M SORRY OK?!

Please enjoy some Pictures & Distractions:
Post-work snuggles.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Waiting For Brunch

This weekend my 14-year-old niece who is 1,000 times cooler than I could ever dream of being and who will probably never again go anywhere in public with her haggard and embarrassing uncle came to stay with me.

I demand this from her from time to time because it makes me feel like I have friends. I am basically this:

Sunday, July 9, 2017

The One Day

Last year, in honor of one of the top 1,200 best lines from the cinematic classic Mean Girls, I tweeted on our nation's birthday the following:

For those unfamiliar, there's a line in Mean Girls when the protagonist's voice-over narration says that "Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."

I congratulated myself for my well-placed reference, one which was hardly noticed by my seven or so perpetually-disappointed Twitter followers who have correctly surmised by this point that I still don't really understand how Twitter works.

Then, a few weeks later, it was Pioneer Day/Tami's birthday and I realized that the joke would have been much funnier on Pioneer Day. Never one to let an opportunity to recycle a joke and then beat it to death go by, I went for it.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

On Sunday Gmac told me she recently found a restaurant pager in her purse and she doesn't remember where it came from so she's going to carry it around and ask every restaurant she visits until she figures it out.

Somewhere, there is a table patiently waiting for an 85-year-old woman.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Utah! This is the Place!

Last week Meg found herself in a Pioneer Day crisis AND IT WASN'T EVEN PIONEER DAY.

She desperately needed a non-copyrighted audio version of the State Song, UTAH! This Is The Place! for some project at work because Meg has a very weird job.

When you find yourself dealing with paranormal activity, you call the Ghostbusters. When there's a bank robbery in Gotham, you call Batman. When you need to remember how good bread is, you call Oprah. But when there's a Pioneer Day crisis, you call the hell out of Eli Whittlebottom McCann.

So that's what Meg did. She called me right up. She asked me if I could possibly figure out how to play the State Song on the piano, record it for her, and send her that recording.

A few things you should know about my piano skills: they are exactly impressive enough that people ask me to do things but not quite impressive enough that I'm able to do those things.

I asked Meg if she at least had some sheet music I could look at. I don't know why I asked her this. I sight-read piano music at a Kindergarten-equivalent-reading level. In any event, she told me that after searching the ends of the Earth, she was convinced that sheet music for our State Song does not exist.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

So, are you like famous?

Attorney: I was googling you recently to find an article you wrote and I found out there's someone else out there with your name who is kind of famous.

Eli: What do you mean?

Attorney: When I googled "Eli McCann" some stuff came up for an attorney also named Eli McCann and that person is apparently some kind of celebrity.

Eli: Oh. Well, I'm definitely not a celebrity, but I do have a small web presence outside of lawyering so I guess you have discovered that.

Attorney: So . . . you're saying the stuff I saw was actually about you?

Eli: Yeah. I hope you didn't go back too far. Or read too much. Some of it is probably embarrassing now that I think about it.

Attorney: You dated Britney Spears?

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Cathie with a C

My mother, Cathie with a C Whittle McCann (her full legal name), was a force to be reckoned with from the years 1978 to 2004 during which she was legally responsible for the minors in her care.

That's 26 years, in case you need help with the math.

For over two and a half decades, Cathie with a C reared her four children. And her four children attempted exactly zero shenanigans during that time. Because Cathie with a C had no interest in shenanigans.

She wasn't a yeller. But her stern voice was far scarier than any yelling that has ever been done by any person.

Cathie with a C was not viewed by anyone as a cruel or cold person. Her one greatest miracle, the one for which she may be canonized one day, was her ability to instill the fear of God into her offspring while being simultaneously wholly approachable.

Cathie with a C ran an organized ship. Her giant squiggly handwriting appeared on all 365 days on the hanging calendar loosely strapped to her pantry door, detailing every appointment of every one of her children. This calendar was perpetually up-to-date, strictly followed, and consistently read into the minutes of the weekly mandatory attendance family meetings that Cathie with a C conducted.