Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Easter Egg Hunts are Basically Just Cleaning

On Saturday night I was out relatively late. Don't tell Bob and Cathie. And NEVER YOU MIND what I was doing! None of your business! My personal scandals shall stay personal!

Ok. Fine. I fell asleep on a friend's couch watching something called "Untold Stories from the ER" on TLC. But when I woke up it was so late that the program seemed to have taken a much seedier turn. And then I checked and found out that it wasn't the same show that was on when I had fallen asleep but was a new one called "Sex Sent Me to the ER." And I was outraged by the moral degradation of society so as soon as that episode and the next one and the one after that were over, I turned it off in an indignant huff!

By the way, it probably didn't erode my mind that much to watch the show because most of the stuff they were talking about went way over my head. Because apparently Jon Scoville did not teach me as much about sex at scout camp in 1997 as I initially thought.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Descending and Climbing

Every day that passes I get a little more freaked out about my future. This is because the part of my future that is freaking me out is starting to feel more like the present.

You guys. Remember how I'm doing the Ironman again? Remember how this all completely your fault since you were supposed to stop me from doing this and encourage me to eat ice cream instead? Remember how I've been there for you at every significant moment of your life but the ONE time I needed you to be all, "Eli! Close that computer right now and don't you DARE register for something you are just going to complain about for the next year!" instead you guys were watching tv and not paying attention to me?

I bet you were watching Glee. I believe that Glee is somehow responsible for all of this.

Well, sadly, the St. George Half Ironman is NEXT. FREAKING. WEEK.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy Good Friday, all. I hope you have some nice weekend plans that involve bathing your cats with your tongues. Unless you don't have cats, in which case you can borrow one from a neighbor. Or find a stray cat from the streets. Because the stray ones probably need it the most. I'm very tired. Is this making sense? I need to start going to sleep again.

I realized that I had only sucky pictures this week on my phone so instead of sharing pictures that I took, I'm just going to give you a small sampling of the Snapchats I got from Daniel and Jolyn this week. Enjoy this week's Pictures and Distractions:


Last night I was in bed at a decent hour, proud of myself for having the self-discipline to get some sleep.

[Ring ring]

Eli: [groggy voice] hello?


Eli: Who is this?

Rebecca: YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS. I need your help.

Eli: Rebecca, did you lose your freaking keys, again!?

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Under the Sink

Last night living-in-sin roommate, Rebecca, and I returned home from Seder. (We apparently think we're Jewish. Shalom!).

It was late and I just wanted to go to bed. You guys. I need to tell you something that isn't a very nice thing to say. Sometimes it's kind of hard to live with Rebecca.

Don't get me wrong. Rebecca is the best roommate I've ever had.


Let's everybody calm down. I feel so on edge when I make references to Daniel because I know I'll suffer the wrath of the Strangers if anything I say could be construed as an attack on him. This is the first time I've ever seen a grown man have tens-of-thousands of protective mothers all at once. AND I'M JEALOUS!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Off to See the Wizard

Maybe it's because I'm turning 30 next month (WHAT?!!??!) but I've been a lot more reflective recently about the direction my little ol' life has gone. And lately I keep finding myself caught up in feeling disappointed because of the things that I've missed throughout my 20s.

I think everyone can probably relate. Everyone is missing something that they've always wanted. Or something that they've always thought they were supposed to have by now. For me, that something has a lot to do with family. As I've seen my friends and peers get hitched and pregnant and sink away into a life of fulfilling family time, I've found myself feeling a little empty. And sometimes sad. I think about the connections my friends have had with their spouses and children. Connections that they've all been building for many years now. Connections that are absent from my life. Disappointingly absent from my life.

And I keep banging my head against the wall, frustrated in the years that have been wasted as I've navigated unsuccessfully through thousands of decisions that have left me turning 30, all by myself.

Then last week I caught part of the Wizard of Oz. It's one of my favorite movies. And I caught it just at the right time because I was able to skip all of the depressing Kansas parts and the psychedelic Munchkin Land sequence.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Last night I hosted the weekly Survivor party at my place (is anyone out there watching Survivor?). I'm trying to turn the party hosting into a cutthroat competition by having good food available and sucking up to all of the attendees by complimenting their hair. Mr. Disney Prince Hair (Brandt) and I alternate hosting it and every week great efforts are made to outdo the last attempt to win the affections of others.

So yesterday I decided to make banana bread. Living-in-sin-roommate, Rebecca, who swears that she can't eat anything that is considered "food" by respectable society, mentioned that I could try to make this bread gluten free. She then pulled out what I now believe was just sawdust and suggested that I replace the flour with it. So I did as she asked.

Is there a disease where your body can only process foods that have gluten in them? Because I think I have that.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:
From my bike ride this week up the canyon. I almost died of overexertion getting to this point. Please tell me the Ironman is going to be all down hill.  

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Rebecca's Allergies

Just now my living-in-sin roommate, Rebecca, and I were sitting in the apartment working.

Rebecca: I'm allergic to something.

Eli: Ok . . . do you want to talk about it?

Rebecca: What is this couch made of?

Eli: You think you might be allergic to my couch?

Rebecca: Don't look at me like that. Allergies are a real thing.

Eli: Oh. Right. Like your wheat "allergy?"

Rebecca: For the last time, THAT IS A REAL THING!