Monday, October 20, 2014

Rebecca Rates Eli

Rebecca: And GUESS WHAT ELSE?!

Eli: No. I don't have time for this. We said we were going to be getting work done right now.

Rebecca: I know. But the pillow barrier fell over.

Eli: Huh?

Rebecca: I put up this large pillow to block my view from you. But then it fell over.

Eli: And?

Rebecca: Well it was working really well. I wasn't tempted to distract you by talking when I couldn't see you. Because I'm basically like a horse and if I can't see you sitting there, I think you're probably not there.

Eli: I am so concerned about you.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Ollie Freeway Barf Massacre

You guys. You know how I don't love animals? I mean, it's not like I hate them. It's just that I don't understand them.

When I was a child, we had a number of animals at our house. For example, there was the Queen of Colors. But obviously that wasn't a positive pet experience.

Then I had a bird named Feathers who was mean as Hell and I think may have actually just been a reincarnation of the Queen of Colors. Feathers used to attack anything that was put in his cage. One day he accidentally got out and flew to my closed bedroom door, pacing back and forth in front of it for a good two hours while seven-year-old Eli sat at the far end of the bedroom crying and waiting for Bob and Cathie to come help.

DCFS should have a record of that unexplained two-hour wait.

Then we had an adorable dog named Winnie whom I loved with every fiber of my being and who hated me with every fiber of hers. That dog bit me every single day of her untrained spoiled existence.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So the other day I wrote about how I decided to sign up for Ironman Boulder. And in that post I explained that trying to prepare for and get to Ironman Lake Tahoe was an exhausting experience, in part because I had to drive "halfway across the country." And you guys FREAKED THE HELL OUT in the comments and on Facebook and in emails to me. Because SLC to Tahoe is apparently NOT halfway across the country. And it is offensive to anyone who has ever driven halfway across the country that I made such a claim.

Which got me thinking: I exaggerate an exceptional amount on Stranger. I think somewhere around 10% of what I say is literally true. And for the most part, everyone just rolls with it. But I finally found your breaking point. And that breaking point is overstating how far I had to drive to get somewhere.

AND I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (I love you guys. I seriously wish you could have seen how giddy it made me that several of you called me out on this. You are wonderful.)

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please feel free to stalk follow me on Instagram)
It is amazing the amount of crap Ms. Hannah Rose gets me to do.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Step One, Fail an Ironman. Step Two . . .

You may have heard because I think I mentioned it a little while ago but I tried to do an Ironman this year. You may have also heard that that Ironman did not go, let's see, how do we say this, super well.

As a matter of fact, the Ironman Lake Tahoe race was cancelled just a few minutes before it started because only YOU can prevent forest fires and, well, you failed. Because there was a forest fire. And they canceled the Ironman.

I didn't really care at all because it's not like I trained for it for a year or drove halfway across the country with everything I own in order to compete.

Oh wait. I'm thinking of a different thing. I actually DID train for an entire year for this one race and then drive halfway across the country to compete in it.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Who Will Die First

Eli: Who do you think will die first?

Nic: Rebecca.

Eli: Uh . . . what?

Nic: I think Rebecca will die first.

Eli: I meant between you and me.

Nic: Oh. I thought you were asking who would die first out of everyone in the world.

Eli: And you picked Rebecca? Out of everyone in the whole world?

Nic: Yeah. I mean, it's possible that other people will die before her. But I could see her going pretty quickly after that.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Neighborhood Watch

Remember a little while ago when I got trapped inside my elderly neighbor's apartment because I was incapable of just minding my own business? Well I'm currently attempting to develop a reputation in my building for being the guy that gets involved in anything that looks like a problem, only to ultimately make the problem worse or more dramatic.

So that's how Friday night happened.

My friend Burke and I were heading out the door to grab some food after our Friday afternoon workout. I live in an incredibly large building. It's like one of only four man-made things you can see from space. There must be somewhere around 200,000 people living in this building. The make-up looks like this:

Families with children: 20

Eli and Rebecca: 2

People over 95 years old: 199,978

Contraband cats: 30,000

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Eli: Are you guys watching Survivor?

Cathie: Is that the one where they are all naked?

Eli: Uh . . .

Cathie: Oh. I'm thinking of Naked and Afraid. Disgusting! But not as bad as Dating Naked. Now that one just grosses me OUT! Kayaking naked? WHY WOULD THEY BE KAYAKING NAKED?!?

Eli: Um . . . ok.

Cathie: Every single time I see it I just want to throw up!

Eli: Why do you keep watching it?

Cathie: NEVER YOU MIND!

(Note, Cathie then explained that she meant that she keeps accidentally coming across it and can't change the channel fast enough to get away from the nudity. NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT THAT IS).

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Feel free to follow me on Instagram).

Ollie loves me so much. It's just that sometimes he doesn't know how to show it.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Survivor Party

I host a Survivor party every week where I invite some known Survivor fans over to my house to watch the most recent episode and then spend the next two hours gossiping about it like we personally know every single person in the show. Wednesday nights during Survivor season are easily my favorite.

They also put me on a schedule of weekly party-host anxiety spells. I have this issue that probably stems from some kind of insecurity that I don't have the time to see a therapist about right now because TV. The issue is that I feel a LOT of pressure to make my house the hippest place in town. When I invite people over, I do so under the cloud of overly-dramatic daydreams in which I imagine those people leaving my home DAYS LATER, with tears of joy in their eyes, saying things like "I never thought I would walk again." Or some other nonsensical but inspirational thing. Then they leave a super good review on Yelp and nominate my hair for employee of the month at Shakee's.

So every single week I try to win the hearts of the Survivor-Party attendees through the universal language: FOOD. And every single week, I fail. I don't know what my problem is. But I can't seem to put out treats that people will actually enjoy.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Scary Movies

This weekend I went to my friend Burke's house and we had nothing to do so obviously we turned to destructive behavior. Like DRUGS AND VANDALISM!

Not that I know what those are, Cathie.

Ok, so we didn't turn to drugs and vandalism. Partly because even if I wanted to turn to drugs, I would have absolutely no idea how to get any. Like, I think you just go the alley and say something like, "hey man. You got the hook ups tonight?" And then you have to do that sneaky handshake thing where you exchange money for a little baggie. But then I wouldn't really know how to do the drugs once I got them home.

I would probably just end up putting them in a blender and making a smoothie. But then I would get too scared to drink it because what if they were poison drugs?

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Yahoo! Answers XI

It's been a long time. And I know you guys have been dying to know the answers to the below questions. So I went to Yahoo! Answers. YOU'RE WELCOME.


Question 1: Is it infidelity if I'm married but I kiss my cat a lot? If it makes a difference, the cat is married, too.

1. No, it's ok. Love is love, even if the rest of the world doesn't recognize it. ~JenWales

2. I think you might be a crazy person. ~HotPeppers

3. It depends. Is your husband giving you the attention you need? What about the cat's spouse? Are you in open relationships? Do you use tongue when you kiss? Are the feelings mutual? It's basically impossible to answer this question without a LOT of detail. ~Trailman