Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Phone Upgrade

Hell froze over.

Long-time readers may remember my phone-purchase debacle of 2009 when I finally upgraded from my flip-phone to one that I thought was the most technologically advanced piece of machinery that would likely ever be developed by the civilized world. I sincerely believed in 2009 that a phone that you didn't have to flip open to use and could take pictures was a sign of the times and we were most definitely within two years of the Apocalypse. I also picked up a parasite named "Lohan" that year. While Lohan was the bane of my existence in the early part of his life, he has since become like family to me. We sometimes play a game I've named "throat-tickle" involving sitting over a hot bowl of chicken soup after starving myself for 24 hours with my mouth gaping open. I must say, however, I do feel pretty used most of the time. It's a relationship of give and take, where I'm always the one giving, and he's always the one taking. He's basically like, well, a parasite.

Being a technological mess is consistent with many other aspects of my personality and those who know me aren't surprised that my most recent device was designed in 2002 (no joke). My friends recently told me that I have "an old soul" mostly because my favorite cookie is oatmeal-raisin, but probably also because I frequently give stern looks to rambunctious children I don't know, I get confused easily in large grocery stores, I drive hunched forward and slowly, and I usually just want it quiet. Admittedly, some days I am totally indistinguishable from Meryl Street Streep's portrayal of senile Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady. You can imagine, then, that going from a flip phone to one I didn't have to flip was very disorienting.

After about a year of struggling to use that, by normal person standards, completely-unimpressive phone I bought in 2009, I finally downgraded to something that was embarrassing enough that I actually tried to hide it from other people. This phone was so terrible that it didn't even have a name. I'm not kidding. I looked all over that thing, and the box it came in, and it absolutely did not have a name. It could probably best be described as "two-cans-and-a-string." This was without a doubt, the worst phone in history. And I used it for almost two years. Until Sunday.

My oldest sister who always seems to have/know about technology some of us still believe we are forty years away from developing, brought me her "old" phone and politely demanded that I participate in society like the rest of the grown-ups I know. She then took my two-cans-and-a-string, holding it only by the edges, and performed what looked like surgery on it and the new one. This reminded me of an old horror film I saw in the early 90s about a mad scientist who switched brains between two patients. I watched in awe as she completed the procedure and then gave me the world's most simple tutorial on how to use this thing. Some of these things seem farcical to me and I have yet to verify them, but I'm told the following about this device:

1. There are NO buttons for the numbers (WHAT?!?!).
2. Apparently one has the ability to do "Internet" on it (I doubt that's actually possible. There isn't even an antenna!).
3. You can talk to it . . . and it does what you say!
4. It can records movements. RECORDS THEM.
5. It holds (brace yourself) MORE THAN 25 TEXTS!!! I have NO idea how I'm going to manage all of that information!

I have yet to use this "phone" other than to place an accidental call to someone I haven't seen or spoken to in five years. About twice a day (yes, twice) it makes sounds or moves a bit. I usually just watch it when this happens and then go back to what I was doing once it stops. Also, sometimes when I'm in public I pull it out and repeatedly tap the screen, because I've seen other people do the same (this, by the way, is how I accidentally caused it to call that person, which still baffles me because of number 1 on the above list).

~It Just Gets Stranger
This is how Lohan and I met

44 comments:

  1. I feel your pain--I too was recently forced to "upgrade" my jitterbug for something I'm told is called an eye-phone (whatever that means. In my day, phones were for your ears...?).
    I also tried the random tapping thing you mentioned and ended up with some government-developed snooping device that opens and closes my garage door at random times throughout the day and without my consent.
    I miss my brick phone...

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    1. Hailee, if you can find a way to transport yourself back to 1991 when the world still made sense, please let me know.

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  2. I'm lost as far as what Lohan is, but it still is funny.

    Also, phones don't, um, contain film. So they can't, um, film anything as a result.

    My children assure me that my phone (which is a flip phone still) is capable of contacting the Internet. Until and unless it accomplishes that on its own accord, I'll stick to the laptop. And if it does contact the Internet on its own, I will run away, screaming like a banshee.

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    1. Ginger, say what you want about the film. I was shown how it could record movement. If there is no film involved, then I believe the devil is.

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  3. It is rather inconsiderate to post things late-ish at night that make me laugh out loud at. People glare at me because of it.

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    1. All posts from here on will be at 7:00am.

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  4. hmmm ... tapeworm? is that how you keep your girlish figure??

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    1. That, and extensive amounts of surgery.

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    2. who serves tape worm in clear gelatin?

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  5. Welcome to the 20th century! Oh wait...

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    1. If only we were still in the 20th century . . .

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  6. I have a phone that claims it is not my "next phone, but the one AFTER that." That makes me curl up in a ball and whimper because apparently it can tell the future and that ain't right. However, it does have tiny, tiny birds in that are mad at some swine and I can't seem to stop playing with them. Obviously it is all of the debbil and this is the end of civilization as we know it.

    As for the part about talking to the phone and it does what you say? I highly doubt it. I talk to mine sometimes and it still does whatever the heck it pleases. And it is toying with my (fragile) grip on sanity because sometimes it does almost what I wanted and sometimes it does the complete opposite. You never know what's going to happen next.

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    1. I feel your pain. And I haven't actually seen the phone do what I say. I'm just told that's a possibility.

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  7. Still toting a flip-phone here...of course, this is from someone who didn't even have one of these silly mo-bile-type phones until 2004. I. Just. Don't. Think. I'm. Ready. ;0P

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    1. If only we could go back to the days of just wondering where our friends are because we couldn't call them to find out . . .

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  8. I miss flip phones! They could fit in my pockets so much better than my iPhone. At least the flip phone was better than carrying a "Zach Morris" phone. Now that would have been just sad.

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    1. So agree. And while I think advancements in technology are of the devil, I do approve of his upgrade from the Zach Morris phone.

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  9. Thank you for your blog... you make my day! Now I can tell my husband I'm not the only "old soul" out there.

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    1. Let me know if you're interested in starting an Old Soul club. We could send out invites through telegrams.

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  10. Eli, I believe it would be in your best interest to acquaint yourself this gem.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87p53rAD7Sk

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    1. That can't be unseen.

      And now I give you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VznlDlNPw4Q&feature=related.

      Please watch it all the way through.

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  11. So wait, you made ALL those snuggie texts with an ancient flip phone? ? The kind where you had to mash the same key multiple times to get the desired letter? ? Amazing!

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    1. I swear to you, I had to write down the texts before the conversation was even over because my phone didn't hold enough information to have them all in my inbox at once so I had to keep deleting them.

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  12. Eli, you've got to new one of the funniest peeps I've never meet! BTW: oatmeal raisin I'd my favorite as well. Thanks.

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  13. Damn autocorrect! I'll explain what that is later! ;)

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  14. I love my flip phone! So nice to know that I'm not the last one left (as my friends keep telling me.) Those fancy ones are just scary. Who needs a phone to do all that stuff?

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    1. Exactly! I just noticed that on my "new" phone I have to choose "phone" on the main screen to call someone. Why are we still calling these things "phones"? They are computers that have the ability to contact other people (and again, all thanks to the devil, who I think created these).

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    2. You have to tell your phone when you want it to actually be a phone? I'm definitely sticking with my flip phone until the bitter end. I refuse to carry around a full computer with me!

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  15. Eli:

    I work in IT and I am often referred to as the resident "IT professional" in my office (there are reportedly business cards claiming the same). Everyone assumes I am at the cutting edge of technology.

    The truth? I am a closet luddite and I miss my flip, as well. They were small, convenient without being intrusive and ... well ... when I used it to make a call, I got to pretend I was Mr. Spock from Star Trek.

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    1. I am so confused--with the number of people out there who still love flip phones, why have they gone away?

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    2. It's a conspiracy.

      I am sure the company producing the screen protectors for the smart phones is behind it.

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  16. Okay. Since I'm a major fan of your blog (and you, let's face it), I'd like to dedicate this song to you! ;) Haha.


    http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/b89b3b102

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    Replies
    1. Wait, did you rip this from American Idol?

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    2. I'm super happy you bothered to listen!

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  17. I went to upgrade my phone a few weeks ago because the touch screen on my old phone went out. My Mom was trying to convince me to get a "smart" phone that can access the internet. I asked, "What do I need that for?!?!" And the phone seller man was like, "Ummm....don't you use facebook?!!?" I said, "No...definitely not to that extent to where I need it on my phone." Sheesh...whatever happened to plain old house phones and answering machines. If you weren't home...people would leave you a message. So nice.

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    1. I still remember so well when my family first got an answering machine in 1989. I thought we were on top of the world.

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  18. I dropped my phone (flip circa 2008 the other day on the hard tile kitchen floor. When I picked it up & noticed it had turned off I almost had a panic attack thinking it was dead. Even though I've had the same number since 2000, I might have to revert to a land line once this phone kicks it for good so I can go rotary. 33 years old going on 93.

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  20. why/how did you decide on the name Lohan? After Lindsay Lohan?
    I guess I would consider her a parasite..

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    1. I didn't name him. His parents did.

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