Thursday, March 8, 2012

Paul Cyclemon

I purchased a bike last week. Before registering for the Ironman, I thought there were exactly 3 kinds of bikes:

1. Tricycle: I had one of these as a very small child. One day I hooked a wagon up to it, loaded my baby sister Micalyne into it, rode down the street to a house owned by a rugged man named Harry who used to put on flower-patterned dresses to wash his car in the driveway, dumped her out, and rode back home. This was one of my many childhood attempts to rid myself of said sister and reclaim my status as youngest child. I also used to encourage Cathie to walk quickly in stores, knowing that Micalyne was unable to walk as fast as either of us if we really booked it. I believed that if we got far enough ahead of her in the store, she would be lost, Cathie would forget we brought her (or that she ever had a little girl at all) and we would go home and never speak of her again. I'm not sure what this says about Cathie. Or of my perception of her parenting skills in 1989. But rest assured, my plan never worked. And as if she can sense my history of ill-repute spanning across 2 decades, Micalyne's 2 year old child today despises and fears me like The First Eye hates happiness.


2. Bike with a basket in front: While convenient and fashionable, I could never have one of these because of the terrifying ET flashbacks it would inevitably provide. ET was a horrifying film that was meant to be for all audiences. ET is a perfect example of my theory that the world was devoid of joy before 1990. Please note, for other evidence, that all Disney films before that time, particularly before 1980, are more frightening than any of today's intentionally scary films. Witches called upon all the powers of Hell, stuffed animals had nightmares that I pray to never experience myself, elephant intoxication was worse than The Exorcists, and don't even get me started on Fantasia. And these were supposed to be the lighthearted films geared at children. No wonder Bob thought Stephen King's made for TV IT was appropriate viewing for six-year-old Eli. It was probably the least frightening thing on TV at the time. [Warning: don't click that last link if you are alive and want to stay that way]

3. Bike without a basket in front: This bike can be ridden wherever, whenever, and the technology and design have remained largely the same over the last 100 years, although it's now available in more colors than ever before.

So I wanted a type 3 bike. What I found when I started looking into bike options, after registering for the Ironman (despite having no business doing so), was that there are apparently more than 3 kinds of bikes. I know. Crazy.

So I finally bought one from a friend last week, which made me feel cooler than the time in the 4th grade Utah pioneer assembly when I was specially selected among my classmates to perform an Irish tune on the recorder with a dozen other specially selected children. I was sure it was because I was particularly musically talented. But I later discovered that I was placed there only to keep me out of a heart-wrenching performance of line dancing Slap Leather, performed by those children in the class who were competent enough dancers to not get sequestered into a side music number meant to divert the embarrassing children away from the main performance. I should have known something was up. I couldn't play the recorder. And my recorder was yellow. Not black like the recorders everyone else had. All of my siblings and I used that yellow recorder in the 4th grade, which was a hand-me-down from Cathie's college days when she apparently took a recorder class (note: I think college used to be a lot easier. Although I did have a class called flexibility in 2010 where the first 40 minutes of each class was made up of light stretching and the last 10 minutes was a nap).

I got Paul Cyclemon home (he practically told me that was his name) and he and I have gotten along well ever since. I have not, however, taken him out for a ride yet. Weekend adventure ahead.

~It Just Gets Stranger

53 comments:

  1. THANK YOU for pointing out how very disturbing E.T. is! I was pretty young when I saw it, probably around 5. I'm sure my misguided parents thought it was adorable, until I ran screaming when that demon-spawn popped out of those goddamned stuffed animals. Pretty sure I have some sort of PTSD from that, as piles of stuffies still give me the wiggins.

    Did you have the same reaction to Harry and the Hendersons? Because that movie got me within the first thirty seconds (the part where the family hits him with their car). It's no wonder I'm so maladjusted.

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    1. I am so glad you mentioned Harry and the Hendersons. I used to have a hard time falling asleep at night because of the part where they put him on top of the car and I think they slam on the brakes and he slides down the windshield. Ugh.

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    2. I am actually able to watch HatH now; I found it on a taped VHS while on break from college a few years ago. If you can get your hands on a copy, it really is quite sweet. Plus, bonus young John Lithgow! I always thought the dad was Max Wright (from ALF) until I saw it again.
      I keep my stand on E.T., though. That shit is frightening.

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    3. I'm positive that HatH would invoke some weird nostalgia today.

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    4. I remember sitting in the theater and that part when he's in the field tossing the ball back... I screamed so loud that we almost got kicked out. Let's see that was 1982, I was only 5 and probably got in free.

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  3. If Cathie had really intended to keep a child, would she have named her a made up name like Micalyne?

    and

    Childhood is getting ridiculously easy these days, isn't it?

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    1. Exactly my thoughts in the late 80s.

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  4. According to family legend, when I was a young child I was taken to see E.T. There is a scene in the forest where I deer steps into a clearing, and in the utterly silent theater I yelled, "Bambi!!"; this story clearly illustrates that I was too young to SEE this movie, and explains why I consider it "scary", which my husband thinks is dead crazy.

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    1. Honey, everyone is too young to see that movie. I was forced to watch it in Spanish in the 8th grade and to this day whenever I'm home alone I can hear, "E. T. telefono mi casa!"

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  5. I think Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty is the most terrifying villain of all time. Nobody even comes close to this.

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    1. You are 100% correct. I used to have nightmares that she had gathered my family into a pot of boiling water and when I tried to escape she would send that bird of hers after me.

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  6. And even now movies are scary! Have you seen princess and the frog?!? There is a black magic guy and I swear it invites real deamons into a home. Freeeeaky. As far as my childhood goes...the entire dinosaurs movie was a nightmare for me.

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    1. I don't think I've seen any Disney Movie since Lion King (I'm really not kidding). Dinosaurs? Can you give us a Youtube clip?

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    3. Sorry my iPad is malfunctioning

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  7. 3 Words: Return to Oz.

    The Wheelies in that movie made me experience, what I later learned was termed, "the heebie jeebies."

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    1. I'm not familiar with this one either. Clip?

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    2. NOOOO! Don't watch it! Scariest thing ever! (spasms of terror...)

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    3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XjC_0lGm0E

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    4. Will not be sleeping tonight.

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  8. I'd like to submit that there is none -absolutely NONE- more terrifying than the creeper "father" character from Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame.

    Evidence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyS3weMlxLA

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    1. Ok, that's pretty bad. I've never seen this movie, and I think I'm going to keep it that way.

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  9. I'm going to have to go with The Never Ending Story. I googled Falcor videos just to show you how creepy he is. Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks so, because all the YouTube videos have names that make them inappropriate to post here. But Falcor. I'm shaking in my cubicle after having just seen a picture of those giant glass, bowling ball eyes. And creepy iridescent scales. Shiver.

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    1. I remember being terrified of many aspects of that movie as a kid. A couple of years ago I watched it as an adult, thinking it would be interesting with my adult understanding. The whole time I was wondering how it was going to end. And as it turned out, "lack of imagination" was the villain all along. And Falcor is terrifying.

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  10. "The Last Unicorn" would be watched incessantly at my house as a child, merely for the fact it freaked out my little sister to no end. Upon watching it recently (after picking it up for $5 bucks out of the DVD bin at Wal-Mart), I can absolutely see why....
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtYKbcaIRP4&feature=related

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    1. I don't like that one bit.

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    2. That was definitely one of the most misleading titles I have ever seen. And I was mocked to no end when trying to tell my peers that I was scared out of my mind by a movie called "The Last Unicorn."

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    3. I still can't watch that movie. Although, the song 'Now That I'm a Woman' kills me now!

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIUnq2d9pMU

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    4. I made sure to post this clip to my sister's facebook wall for good measure...eh, what are big sisters for? lol ;0D

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  11. I cannot believe nobody has mentioned the horror film Gremlins--- they really reeled you in with that little Gizmo character and got you thinking he was such a cute little dude I BEGGED my parents to take me to it. Within 15 minutes I was scarred for life - seriously didn't sleep for years!!

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    1. I've never seen it. And that was calculated.

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  12. Strangely enough, gremlins holds a special place in my heart. I think I first watched it at around 7, and had already seen Star Wars at that point (after of course seeing the side movies with the ewoks), so it wasn't that bad. Plus that movie IS really cute. Even the bad gremlins are kind of adorable. But I feel as though there is a sequel that is much worse. Don't quote me on that; I really don't want to even look to see if I am correct.

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    1. I didn't discover Gremlins until 1999, when I was 10. This was also at the height of the Furby craze...we watched Gremlins at a birthday sleepover party, and one of the gifts had been a Furby...those were the worst toys ever. I thank my parents regularly for never feeling compelled to buy me one.

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    2. I only have the slightest memory of Furbies. But I'm pretty sure I hated them.

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  13. I never realized how scary disney movies were until I watched my friends son (he's a movie buff like me) and we watched Snow white… that evil step mother was creepier than I'll get out… (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BA0DgbNa6oQ&feature=related) but if you want a creepy disney movie watch "The watcher in the Woods" although I'll never quite get over "The Birds" (much like you, my mother decided that it was perfectly safe for her 6 year old daughter to watch) I still get heebies when I see a flock of birds...

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    1. that still creeps me out...

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    2. the girl in the glass, freaked me out!!! Not to mention triangles

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  14. I'm glad you mentioned "It." My parents also somehow thought that was a decent children's movie. Little did they know I suffered constantly from getting shampoo in my eyes staring at the drain in the shower because I was always afraid Pennywise was going to come out of it. Worst.movie.ever!

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    1. As recently as 2010, I had to cut my shower short because I thought I saw the drain enlarge a little.

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  15. Flexibility at BYU? I tried and tried and tried to get into that class, but never could. I'm pretty sure I could have pulled an A for napping.

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    1. I also tried for years. I got into it during law school because I had really early registration. I signed up with 10 friends from law school and they ALL dropped out within the first 2 weeks.

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    2. Getting into flexibility as a freshman was the proudest moment in my life. Greatest class ever.

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  16. What about Alf? Strange looking alien who eats your cat? Freaky. Granted, I loved Alf , but then again I'm not normal. :D

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    1. My younger sister had a legitimate crush on Alf. Until she was about 8 years old, when asked about her future, it always involved her and Alf having lots of babies together.

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  17. I really appreciate the fact that you name inanimate objects. My family thinks I'm odd for naming all of my electronics...but any time you plug an electronic in to the computer, it asks you to name it! I just do as I'm asked.

    But I also yell at my devices by name when they misbehave. My phone is Pete, and my parents are convinced that when I switch to a phone with artificial intelligence (like the iphone 4S with Siri), I will manage to create the first phone with a split personality disorder.

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    1. Also, easy college courses...in my first semester, I took "relaxation techniques". You get an A for napping and meditating during class.

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    2. If you don't name an object, it means you don't appreciate it.

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  18. Time Bandits. Freaked. Me. Out. Especially the end, when you think all is well ... and then the evil blows up the toaster oven, killing mum and dad, in a "twist" that M. Night Shymalan (however he spells it) would be proud to call his own.

    (http://youtu.be/mY9Z5OPzE78)

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