Thursday, June 28, 2012

So Hot

So so so hot.

I'm not talking about myself.

I'm talking about the weather.

It has been so bloody hot here in Salt Lake City. Like, jaws of Hell hot. Like, so hot that if The First Eye tried to roll down the street in the middle of the day without protective socks, he would be in the E.R. within minutes having burn cream rubbed on each of his 1,000 toes. Can you imagine a worse time to work in that E.R.? Especially if The First Eye happens to have the same foot disease as me.

So on Saturday I thought, "Why not go run in the canyon down the street at 2:00 in the afternoon?" I couldn't really think of a reason not to. So off I went. I drug Daniel with me because I'm trying to convince him to run a marathon with me next month as part of our "unfinished business" pledge from when we participated in the Ironman.

On a side note, it gets a little awkward and tiring to have to explain over and over again what happened in the Ironman. And it doesn't really feel like "we were too slow so they kicked us out" quite communicates exactly what happened. But I'm also not really the lying type. Exaggerate? Sure. But outright lie. No.

So instead I usually find ways to avoid doing either.

"Eli, you did an Ironman recently, didn't you?"

"As a matter of fact I did participate in an Ironman race!"

"That's so great! How was it?"

"Ugh. Loooooong story. Rest assured, it was a good experience for me. Have you heard my story about the Queen of Colors?"

See how that works? No lying AND I don't have to explain away my inadequacies.

All those years of therapy are paying off.

Anyway, we ventured down the street to the canyon, because, yes, Salt Lake City truly is the greatest place ever because I can live in the middle of downtown but be in a canyon to run in about 10 minutes. I don't think I'll ever move away from this place. Crap.

We parked next to the zoo. I'm not much of a zoo guy. Not really sure why. Probably because I'm afraid of all animals. But I also think it has to do with the one consistent truth about zoos that nobody likes to talk about: it is impossible to visit one without feeling like you have animal poop on your clothes and in your mouth and body for the remainder of the month. I guess it's not so bad if you plan your zoo trip for later in the month. But do it during the first week, then, well, you get what you deserve.

We brought water bottles with us because it seemed like the responsible thing to do. I offered to share the carrying duty with Daniel, but allowed him to carry them first. As is usual, by the time it was my turn, the bottles were empty. I'm basically a genius. Or a bad person. Or both. Whatever. I didn't have to carry the water bottles while they were full.

It wasn't long before we realized that our run in the blazing hot sun was poorly planned. Within 10 minutes, all of the water in my body had been spilled through my pours onto the street, rendering a lifetime of dedicated hydration totally worthless. Now I have to start over. So annoyed.

But it was about 35 minutes in that I started looking for a part of the canyon that was wide enough for a helicopter to lower into, sure that being life-flighted to the nearest hospital was now going to make it into my life's book of experiences. It's bound to happen at some point, anyway.

Then we remembered that an icy stream runs along-side the road so we sought its banks for reprieve. Well, one of us did. The taller of us was skeptical. Maybe it was the floating dead animals or fly-infested air directly above the water. Or it might have had something to do with my over-sharing of an experience when two summers ago I got so desperate that I drank from said stream and then evidently swallowed a garbage disposal and civil war cannon in the process because for the next 2 months everything I ate seemed to go through both apparatuses inside my body, in that order. TMI? Lo siento.

So I bathed in the filth, but avoided swallowing the water. Don't need to learn that lesson 5 different times!

Before too long we gave up our hopes of running an impressive distance and instead retreated back down the canyon like a Glee fan confronted with rationality.

By the time we got to the car, I had lost the will to live.

I never want to experience heat again.

Oh, did I mention I'm moving to the equator in a few months?

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I hate heat, too. It makes me entirely too grumpy, and I swear there's nothing I can do about it! (Well, besides sit inside directly in front of the swamp cooler with a shaved ice while cursing the heat. That helps, I suppose.)

    Anyway, good post. And I'm glad you didn't get any of the scary ditch water in your mouth; the repercussions would've been terrifying, from what I gather...

  2. I use to go running in South Carolina in July. It was kind of just like that.

  3. I had a similar experience last week only I didn't have a refreshing stream and I live just west of Houston, TX. I thought I was going on a pleasant 14 mile bike ride at 2pm in the afternoon through idyllic luscious green pastures with grazing cows and horses and farmers on tractors, but it wasn't as idyllic as I though it would be. And while I did see all those things, once you've seen one grazing cow/horse and tractor, you've seen them all. Oh the tricks of the mind...

    p.s. I also failed to realize that these luscious green pastures provided more shade to the grazing animals than to passing bicyclists. It's like the animals were taking bets on how long I'd last in the heat while they sat in the shade. At least I had A/C to come home too.

  4. Hilarious.....especially the "lo siento" line. Wonder where you got that. ;). PS. I am sure you will be fine on the equator if you lay in a tub of ice. That is what it will take. Mom

  5. I just want to tell you that I love reading your stuff because well clearly it's funny.. But also because I get so caught up in reading it that I read it faster and faster and all in one breath! It makes it all seem more real! Also, come to Nauvoo and try running in the 100 degrees plus humidity! I'd much rather be home in Salt Lake!

  6. It's all about the hiking, where the greatest risk isn't the sun, but bears, wild cats, and deer! It works because it's still "training" and "good for you" but you are under the cool canopy of pines, aspens, and other mountainy trees :D

  7. You just can't relent on those Glee fans. :)

  8. I hope that blender situation works out for you.

  9. Don't worry, it's hotter in Texas. Haha