Monday, October 29, 2012

Yahoo! Answers III

I bring you now the third edition of Messing with People in Yahoo! Answers. What good is a Halloween week if nobody has asked the Internet about what to do about their various cat-related problems? I'm not sure whether I like the sarcastic or serious answers to my questions better. In any event, Rosemary wins the award this time for being the most upset about my ignorance of feline needs.

Question 1: How can I keep my cats in the stroller? I used to take one cat for a walk at a time by holding her in my arms but I started to feel guilty about leaving the others at home. I bought a baby stroller that can fit 8 or 9 at a time so I can at least take them in groups now. But I cannot for the life of me get them to stay in the stroller! Does anyone know of any seat belts or nets I could get to keep them in?


1. If you're serious, purchase a cat stroller; you can find them online, or maybe special request them from a pet store, who may be able to contact their distributors about it. Otherwise it's a disaster waiting to happen. ~Areiel

2. I think the better question is this: WHY DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH CATS THAT YOU CAN TAKE THEM ON WALKS IN GROUPS OF 8?! ~Jack


Question 2: How do you declaw a person? My cat, Trickles, keeps ruining my crochet projects so I feel like I need to have her declawed. I feel guilty doing this to her so I've agreed with her that I will get declawed also to make it more fair. Problem is, no vet I've called is willing to do this! I already promised so I can't go back. Has anyone tried to do this at home?

1. You need professional help....not the cat.  ~Bonnie B

2. Well---it would be like taking a pair of pruning shears and clipping your fingers off at just below the first joint---soooooooo you won't be getting any crocheting projects done at all...so how about finding a new hobby and leaving both paws alone?  ~Kiss Me Kate

3. Yeah. It involves injecting pain meds under the fingernails, before removing the nail bed with pliers. It can be painful if done wrong. My friend does this in his tattoo shop.  ~I'm just a girl

4. ...? Um...I don't think you can "declaw" a person... But, I completely suggest that you do NOT declaw your cat. Declawing them, unless they're really young, hurts them immensely. You're not only taking away their main defense, but you're promoting future psychological issues within your cat. They become very insecure, and also it hurts them to go to the litterbox as the sand grains irritate their healing paws. I suggest putting your projects away somewhere where the cat can't get into them, and when you're working on them, maybe go into a separate room where she can't get in. Please don't declaw your cat (...or yourself, if that's even possible)...because you will probably regret it...  ~Kat

5. Why are you asking vets to declaw you? You need a human surgeon for that; vets are only qualified to operate on non-human animals. Once you find someone willing to do the operation and then actually have it done, though, you won't be able to crochet anymore. So you'll have to get prosthetic fingers. This means if you want to be fair to your cat, you will have to make sure that after she is declawed that the vet will give her prosthetic claws. ~Rosemary


Question 3: Which musical instruments are best for cats? I want to start teaching my cats to play musical instruments. We tried a couple of horns but they lacked the blowing power (not to mention, the attention span). Piano is clean out for moral reasons. Which instruments might capture their attention but also be small enough for them to learn to play well?

1. A keyboard would be really good just put it on a funky sound. Also maybe an xylophone.  ~Sticks & Stones

2. Fiddle, man! Fiddle. Didn't your mom ever tell you "Hey diddle, diddle the cat and the fiddle ... the cow jumped over the moon"?  ~Nonnie 22

3. My cat is really good at playing the viola. She's even dreaming of joining an orchastra, but I try to keep her from getting all her hopes up. I'm just happy for the various blue ribbons/gold trophies she's won at the local talent shows.  ~I'm just a girl

4. Well, I have heard that bagpipes sometimes sound like a scalded cat but then cats probably wouldn't like that would they? And are bagpipes a "musical" instrument? Sorry I cant really help you here. I guess a fiddle is the top contender.  ~Kiwi


Question 4: Am I being victimized by my cat? Lately whenever I try to change my clothes or take a shower, one of my cats comes into my bedroom and stares at me. I have asked him to leave dozens of times but he never listens. I feel so violated and used but I don't know what to do. Also, I'm worried that the safety of the other cats might be in jeopardy.

1. Funniest question ever? Haha.  ~Chris Y

2. This made me chuckle. Still, if you are totally serious try using a door. Did you know they close and nothing can see through them? Just shut the door before you begin disrobing. I hope you can keep your perverted cat at bay!  ~Kelly

3. You should be flattered, shame on you.  ~Stephen

4. He's actually protecting your other cats. He heard about you wanting to rip the claws out of the one cat because you think your crochet projects are more important than a living animal that depends on you, and he is watching you to make sure that doesn't happen.  ~Rosemary

5. "I feel so violated and used.." Rofl.  ~K

6. Sounds like your cat is planning to rape you. Keep safe. You've been warned so please don't come crying to me when the cat rapes you. Try dressing in the locked bathroom, where it will be more difficult for you to be raped by the cat. ~I'm Just a Girl

7. He's a cat. He's just curious about what you do in your bedroom and in the shower. If you see it from his viewpoint he's wondering why you change your clothes and have to stand under a shower to wash yourself. My cat used to look at me in bed before curling up beside me but I never woke up to find that he'd got under the covers or put his claws on my neck. Maybe the other cats send this guy up to find out what you're up to and to report back. ~Cara


Question 5: Can cats really see the future? I always heard all of those stories everyone tells about cats being able to predict the future. My cats never seem to do so and I'm just wondering if the stories are true and if my cats are withholding. If they are, I feel really used for spending so much money on buying them toys and clothes and stuff.

1. This here is the typical Obama voter.  ~Leaf

2. Love me please.  ~Antonia

3. No. Their senses are better then ours, so they can detect changes in air pressure and appear to predict the weather.  ~Nick

4. You have been misinformed. Cats don't see the future any better than you do.  ~Lizzie

5. Who knows? My cat seems to see ghosts. She's yowled at corners twice when someone in our family has died, before we even found out about it, and it isn't something she normally does at all. Maybe you just need a translator who speaks cat.  ~Lyria

6. Of course this is true. I can't believe people are telling you it's not true. They obviously are either not a cat owner or else trying to keep you from punishing your lying cat bastard. Try bribing it to tell the future. My dog was able to tell me a large storm was approaching, but I think it was watching the Weather channel while I was at work. Meanwhile, my cat has sweetly left me the winning lotto numbers for tonight by scratching them into my wooden floors, like the sweetheart that she is. Try bribing your cat for the future with a can of tuna. If she still refuses to assist you, then sir, the animal shelter is your only choice. Trade your cat in for a model that will assist you in foretelling the future. ~I'm Just a Girl

~It Just Gets Stranger

30 comments:

  1. Pleases, please do more of these!

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  2. Oh how I love these :D You never fail to make me giggle!

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  3. You are such a typical Obama voter. ;-)

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  4. I love that nobody even mentioned how wierd it is that you are so worried about breaking a promise to your cat by not getting declawed.

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    1. I was thinking the exact same thing!

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  5. haha who even looks those questions up? haha

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  6. First of all.. can we totes be best friends?! Second of all, I just found your blogs and read them all. This is the most hilarious blog ever and I love it!! I will definitely be impatiently waiting in between each post for the next one!

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  7. What I want to know, is why people even take the time to respond to these ridiculous questions?! I just can't believe people thought up legitimate answers!

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  8. This is the raddest blog I have ever read. I found you from Facebook about 2 months ago and whenever I see a new post has come up, I don't let myself read it until I can sit down by myself uninterupted. You rock, dude.

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  9. I adore you. I am one who found you on pinterest and visit frequently to laugh till tears pour over your snuggie texts and your other witty posts. You're the best.

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  10. I should not be reading these at work. I'm at the front desk of a public office. And, not only is the door open, but there is a LARGE glass window right beside me. I get the strangest looks as I laugh, hysterically, at your blog. I don't think covering my face as I lower my head to my desk helps disguise my loss of decorum.

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  11. omgosh! I laughed so hard at this that my cat, Puma, left the room!

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  13. "I'm Just a Girl" responded to every single one and was dead serious hahahahah

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    1. I was thinking I'm just a Girl, found Eli's cat question asking username...

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  14. "This here is the typical Obama voter" LMAO!!

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  15. OMG died laughing, marry me?

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  16. WHY DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH CATS THAT YOU CAN TAKE THEM ON WALKS IN GROUPS OF 8?! hahahaha so great

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  17. I GET IT. The reasons about the piano! HAHAHA!

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  18. Obama voter! HA lost it!!

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  19. I hope the series will go on. Hillarious!!

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  20. OMG I have been reading through your blog all day! I'm having to stop now because my throat is starting to hurt from laughing.....or deep throating. It's hard to tell now a days so I will just go with your blog! ^^

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  21. My son shared your post with me a few days ago. On my way home from work yesterday I was laughing like fool in my car just thinking about it. Thanks! You are hillarious!

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  22. You need to marry this "I'm Just a Girl" chick, she has all the right answers.

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    1. I second that, unless it's you again pretending to be "I'm Just a Girl"

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  23. Hahaha. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! It was Rosemary's second comment that got me started! Bahaha!! :')

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  24. Omigosh!!!! Eli!!! I totally just discovered your blog today! And guess what - I SO love it!!. I do have one small complaint, though. See, I nearly wrecked my laptop when reading Rosemary's second reply. In an attempt to save my soul mate's life, I managed to multitask (thank goodness I'm female!!!), and at the last second, whilst crying, I successfully redirected the flow of my recently sipped go-go flavored vitamin water zero (though while a totes yummy beverage, a peace-inspiring dress and twirl mod haircut I do not have). Rather than immediately redecorating my keyboard, it traveled through my nose; while this may have been a somewhat painful experience, I must admit that I will likely find it to be the more cost effective option in the long run. This brilliant strategy provided me with enough time to turn my head and grab a tissue, and my laptop will live to Web surf another day.

    In all seriousness, I think you're hilarious. But then, you probably know that, hearing so often from so many people.

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  25. "Piano is clean out for moral reason"xD Ohmigosh. It's like exercise reading your blog xDD

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