Friday, November 2, 2012

Massage Emails

A few months ago a stranger, Jared, sent me an ad posted online by a guy we'll call "Paul" looking for an "intimate" massage swap. I emailed him as June and very sadly discovered that I wasn't exactly what he was looking for. Oh well. I'll just have to keep searching.

Ad: Looking for a younger girl to do a massage swap with me. must be attractive. Dont email if your ugly. Im a very attractive man. 35 years old. successful and wealthy. I like to explore intimate massages with people. you massage me, I massage you. You must be available during day.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Hi Paul! Saw your ad about a massage swap. I'm very interested and also available during the day! Let me know if you are still interested!

From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Of course im interested or i wouldnt have posted the ad. Are you attractive?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Am I attractive?! Let's just say . . . I'm the former Miss Georgia for the MISS AMERICA pageant! Attractive enough for you?!


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

When can you meet?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

I have a pretty strict schedule, actually. But before we get to that, I think I need to know a little about you. Do you have hair on your hands?


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Strange question. not really. No more than most people.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Hmm. Well, I guess I can do without a lot of hand hair if that's all you've got.


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

you like hairy hands?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

It's not that I like them. It's just that I'm used to them. For a while I was doing cat massage therapy at home and so I grew accustomed to furry paws. I guess you could say I was spoiled!


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

? What is cat massage therapy . . . you dont do it now?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Don't worry! It's nothing weird. It's not like Dancing with Cats! I just got some of my more friendly cats to jump on me after I dipped them in oil. It was fun for them and a good chance for us to bond. And I don't do it anymore because the new place I moved into doesn't allow pets so I had to release all of them. So, how about those massages?!


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

weird. have you ever tried intimate massages? thats what im looking for here.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Absolutely! Is there any other kind?! When do you want to do this?! You say when and where and I'll bring the butter and spoons!


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

During the day tomorrow. can we do it at your place?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Hmm. That will be tricky. I'm only allowed visitors from 2:00 to 4:00. But I think we can make that work! Also, we'll have to be monitored, of course.


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

. . . . . . . . what kind of a place do you live in.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

It's called Resting Village. It's just on the edge of town. It's a great facility with everything I need.


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

sorry but it sounds like a place for old people.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Ha! Don't be sorry! Truthfully, most of the people here are sort of old. But I still love it. It's quiet and I can get a sponge bath whenever I want as long as Lucille isn't throwing one of her notorious fits in the common room.


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

How old are you?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Ha! Nice try! Never ask a lady her age! You should know that.


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

lol. Right. but are you old?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

For heaven sakes. If I was old would I be trying to do a massage swap with a 35 year old man?!


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

ok. just wondering.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Paul, do you discriminate against old people? Would you reject me if I was old? We can call this whole thing off if you hate people or animals just because they're old. Some of my best friends and favorite pets happen to be old!


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

course not. i was just wondering if you were old. but your not so it doesnt matter.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

*you're.


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

What?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

You said "your not" and I was just letting you know that it should have been "you're." You've also been leaving a lot of apostrophes out and you've failed to capitalize a few times. But we have to start somewhere. "Your cat is eating my goat" vs. "you're not going to believe how many kittens I can hold at once!"


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Whatever. well I could come there. i like to do massages naked. what will you wear?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Depends


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

on what?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

No. Depends diapers. That's what I'll be wearing.


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

your kidding right?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Adult diapers is not something to be joking about. And what do you expect? I'm not going to wear a string bikini! I would look awful!


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

You said you were Miss America.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Son, first of all, I was Miss Georgia. And that was in 1943. Things have changed a bit since then for me.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Paul?


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Fine. I'll wear the stupid bikini. But you're responsible if there are any accidents.


From: Paul
To: June
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

no thanks. have a good life.


From: June
To: Paul
Subject: Did you say MaSsAgE?!?

Is it because of the cats? I told you I don't have them anymore.


~It Just Gets Stranger

35 comments:

  1. Seriously hilarious. I don't think I have ever laughed this hard. So glad to have found your blog!

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  2. I feel like such an "It Just Gets Stranger" hipster seeing all of these new Pinterest followers. I'm honored to have been part of this since 2007. Always loved you.

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  3. I love looking at your blog first thing in the morning. It starts my day off with a laugh and when I think about it during the day, I just chuckle! I seriously don't know how you think these things up! What a great mind you have!

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  4. That was awesome!

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  5. That's really awesome, I can't believe that Paul never wrote you back. I guess he really did discriminate against old people and cats.

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  6. this just made my day.

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  7. Hahaha!!! I love it! Sounds like his ego needed a little deflation anyway..

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  8. "I'll bring the butter and spoons" LOL! I love that line, but even better, he didn't object! Kinky!

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  9. I choked on my Metamucil! (not old, just pregnant!) I can't believe there are people out there who really go on craigslist for this kind of thing. Do they have a death wish? A Pokemon attitude towards venereal disease (gotta catch em all!)? How can someone think this is a good plan? Mind boggling.

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    Replies
    1. A Pokemon attitude, that's hilarious, I'm going to find a way to use that phrase someday.

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  10. Depends
    Depends on what?
    No Depends underwear
    hahahaha

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  11. Baaahahahahahaaa! You had me at "depends". You sir, are full of awesomeness!

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  12. I am so glad I found your blog. Your posts make my week so much better!

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  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. I hope it's not too creepy for a (sorry, for the lack of a better word) stranger to comment on your blog...but the grammar correction was the best part!

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  15. Is there any way you could point me in the right direction of this "Paul"? Much appreciated.

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  16. I feel like this is the best thing I have read all day. Haha!
    Sierra
    Oh, Just Living the Dream

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  17. Oh my god. This blog just made my whole night. Seriously, thank you. Next time I'm in a bad mood, I'm coming straight here. :)

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  18. Lol!!!! I adore your prankster shenanigans! Seriously made my day!

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  19. The grammar correction was awesome...and he had no clue. New to your blog from that thing called "Pinterest"...thanks for the laughs...

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  20. Laughed so hard I cried!!! Fantastic!!

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  21. I lost it at "depends" - "on what?"

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  22. Are you Ted L. Nancy? I bought a book, "Letters From a Nut" a while back, and there are striking similarities. Maybe Ted is your uncle or something?

    http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Nut-Ted-L-Nancy/dp/0380973545

    This Paul guy is a major creep. Soooo glad you were able to creep him out in return!

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  23. Well at the risk of being called a 'newbie" by the hipster up top who has been following you since 2007. (didnt realize your followers dont like new people joining their self proclaimed club)
    buuuuuut
    Just recently found your site and im not getting any work done just laughing at how great these are. please keep pranking people!!!

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  24. Depends...I haven't laughed that hard in ages.

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  25. I could not make it past the Depends line for 5 mins. OMG this is the funniest thing I've ever read. Thank you for making my day.

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  26. ME NEITHER!!! The Depends joke was genius!!! I had to stop to re-compose myself but everytime I'd reread it, I'd start up laughing again. That seriously might be the funniest joke I've ever heard. Props

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  27. This is not all about massaging email. this all about spamming. Don't trust emails like this.

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