Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Joys of Cool Air

An update on the Stormtrooper/Vehicle of Despair air-flow problems: Only moments before I planned to get the president of every country in the world on a conference call all at once to demand that they each declare an international state of emergency, marshal law, and threaten to press their little red buttons to blow up other countries, things took a turn for the better. Good thing I didn't overreact. But it wasn't without some struggle. We (and by we, I mean Daniel) took the Stormtrooper to the local mechanic 461,000 times, give or take, before any progress was made.

I'm still confused about why we had to take it in 461,000 times. Daniel swears it's because the woman at the front desk hates him.

The woman at the front desk HATES me.

Why would she hate you, Daniel?

I have NO idea. I didn't do ANYTHING to her.

Well, what makes you think she "hates" you, then? [And I used finger quotes for "hates" to be clear that I was mocking him].

[And he said this next part like we were little girls in middle school and this woman stole his boyfriend] Every time I go in she's always just like, "blah blah blah" and she's rude and stuff.

Sure that I would never get an answer out of him that made any sense, I dismissed the conspiracy theory. Then later that day this woman told him to come back at 4:45 and that someone would totally be there to help him. Daniel Showed up 3 minutes early only to find that the place closed at 4:30.

Maybe it's because he's tall?

He quickly devised a plan to skip the front desk and get straight to the mechanic. This plan was apparently successful because the next day he showed up in my office and declared that the A/C was now working. Mechanic man declared the windows unsalvageable. This doesn't make any sense to me, but as long as the Stormtrooper is blowing cool air inside the vehicle, I do not care about anything else that might be wrong with the world.

Guys, I'm sorry about all of your problems. But I just can't care anymore. Because the Stormtrooper's A/C is working now and you can't ruin that for me.

And guys, that first car ride with A/C? I truly think that no human being has ever experienced as much joy as I did during the drive home from work that day. If I had seen a box of 2 dozen cats on the side of the road on the way home that day, I would have adopted them all, no questions asked. Which would have been a mistake because happiness like that never lasts and later that night I would have had 30 animals in my apartment that I have no room in my heart for (Note: there isn't room in my heart for any).

And just so you know, I am aware that 2 dozen equals 24 and not 30. I was including in the total the 6 geckos running around the apartment that I see out of the corner of my eye every day. This always causes me to scream because I'm sure I just saw a mutant snake-rat. And seriously, what could be worse than a mutant snake-rat? Oh, probably just a regular snake.

Anyway, that first drive with A/C? I thought through every other single happy moment of my life and NONE of them made me feel even close to as happy as this one did.

And I know what you're thinking. "Wow, Eli, you've had a really sad life. Also do you want me to rub your feet later?"

First of all, yes, that would be lovely. Thank you for offering. Sorry about my foot disease. I've had it since 2006.

But second, no, I have not had a sad life. I submit to you that this was such an incredibly happy moment that the only thing that could ever possible compare to it in the future would be if Paul Simon showed up at my door with the Queen of Colorsessess's shanks and head in a bag, promising through a song he wrote just for me that Glee has been canceled.

Even then, with Paul Simon at the front door, I would still not be that excited because I would be comparing that feeling with the time the Stormtrooper's A/C started working after weeks of sitting inside a vehicular-sauna in the hottest place on Earth.

It's the little things, strangers. Sometimes you really need to celebrate the little things.

And I've been celebrating the little things a lot lately, in fact, since I am now basically a tennis pro. But, like, one who is really bad at tennis.

Brian, whom you know from Brian Palau School of Tennis, marched into my office yesterday and demanded that I inform you all that my tennis game is improving.

When you say you're the worst tennis player in the world, it reflects poorly on your tennis instructor, Eli!

Brian is SO worried that you guys aren't going to enroll next semester.

But the thing is, I'm not getting "good" at tennis. I'm just hitting it over the net sometimes now. I tried to explain this to Brian but he told me it's all relative. And I guess compared to a couple of weeks ago, I'm Serena Williams now. Only less frightening. And a man. With A/C in his car.

Still, I'm not going to be making money any time soon as a professional athlete.

But you know what? My car is cool inside and I can sometimes hit a tennis ball over the net.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I completely understand and don't think you're being dramatic in the slightest. I was recently stranded on the island of Lombok in Indonesia for three days, and when I finally arrived at the hotel room in Australia that my company arranged, I'll admit...tears of joy came to my eyes when I felt the air conditioning.

  2. This blog bring me mass quantities of enjoyment! A thousand thank yous for making me laugh to tears before 9am...

  3. It seems like you might need 6 geckos around when you've spent... well, any time at all, really, driving with your DOORS open.

  4. on the bright side of the geckos, that probably means you don't have many bugs in your apartment! Congrats on the A/C and much understanding of your estaticness from AZ

  5. Congratulations on the luxury of breatheability in your car! Looks like your WON'T have to wear seat belts now after all!

    I hate hot (so, so much, I hate it!). And I have to remind myself that I hate hot (HATE IT!) every winter. Because I made the stupendous choice to move to Idaho Falls after I was done schooling, and winter lasts months up here.

    I know, I know; you just can't care about my problems.

    Congrats again on the A/C, boys!

  6. I got real lost in the middle.....

  7. I have replaced my eight glasses of wine with your blog. In other words your blog makes me as happy as eight glasses of wine. [Who am I kidding] I still drink the eight glasses.Then read your blog. So its a tight race against which makes me the happiest.

  8. I'm so glad you didn't find any boxes of cats beside the road because we all know what cats do as soon as they get into a car. And we all know that you NEVER get that stench out of upholstery. No amount of air-conditioning can erase the smell of the pee of a dozen cats that has been fermenting in 60C heat (obviously the temperature the car gets when you're not cruising with your AC). Trust me - I used to be a vet.

  9. Nobody makes me laugh quite like you. And I don't even know you in real life.

  10. I really like when you put pictures at the end of your blog. But I will accept without the pictures too. Enjoy breathing in your car!

  11. Any chance you can set me up with that tennis instructor?

  12. 1) I, too found you on "the Pinterest" (and please read this pronounced "pin-er-est" as several older women I know pronounce it)
    2) Part of why I find you so entertaining is you remind me of my brother.
    3) I totally spent a few days blog stalking/lurking and pretty much read everything. (Creepy, no?) But the majority of it was while my husband was in surgery/recovery and it kept me very well distracted, so thanks!

  13. And I forgot 4) when I was little we lived in South Texas and had a Bronco. We spent two years without a/c in said Bronco. BUT at least it had those old school triangle widows that could really love some air. And it's basically a desert.

  14. What else did the lady at the front desk do to torment him?