Monday, November 19, 2012

Turkey Emails

Daniel had an idea for a Thanksgiving email prank. I shot off a bunch of emails to different cooking blogs and had a couple respond. The following turned out to be the best exchange. This lady is awesome. You can tell she doesn't really believe this is serious, but she wants to keep responding just in case.


From: June Snapple
To: Cooking Blog
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

Hey there!

The last 2 years I have tried to do a turkey for my family and it was a total NIGHTMARE! I tried it in the oven one year and tried to deep fry it last year. Both years made a huge mess and the kids were practically traumatized. Am I missing something? Is there some way to ease the struggle a bit?

Thanks!

June Snapple
PTA President

From: Cooking Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

Hi June!

Could you be a bit more specific about your problem? I'm happy to answer your question. The turkey is really pretty simple to cook and shouldn't be causing you so many problems. What has been your biggest concern?


From: June Snapple
To: Cooking Blog
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)


Well, it's mostly just a matter of keeping the turkey in the oven. Last year it came out of the oven after just a few minutes and, well, we ended up with a pan on the floor and feathers EVERWHERE! We hadn't tied it tight enough, I guess, and it was really hard to get it tied back up.


From: Cooking Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

June, I'm not sure if I understand. How did the turkey fall out of the oven? Is the tray in your oven off balanced? There really shouldn't be a problem if you just have it on a level tray. Why would there be feathers everywhere? Did you have an unplucked turkey for some reason that you were trying to cook?


From: June Snapple
To: Cooking Blog
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

We did have an unplucked turkey. It seemed really inhumane to pluck it so we thought it best not to. Especially considering all of the trauma the bird goes through from being in the oven.


From: Cooking Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

Lol. I'm sure the turkey forgives you and understands that it's Thanksgiving so I wouldn't worry too much about it going through trauma when you're cooking it. I'm sorry, I don't know much about plucking turkeys. Good luck!


From: June Snapple
To: Cooking Blog
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

I do worry about the trauma. I can't imagine how awful it must be for the turkey to have to sit in a hot oven. Our cat, Trixy, got into the oven one year. Fortunately we heard her and were able to pull her out before she could ruin the cake I was baking. But the turkey? It's hard to just leave it in there and tune out the awful noises.

I really hate this tradition and wish it would go away.


From: Cooking Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

June, I really hope there has been some kind of miscommunication here. You certainly don't mean that you have put a live turkey in an oven!?


From: June Snapple
To: Cooking Blog
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

Oh HEAVENS no! Wow. You must have thought I was crazy. I apologize for not being more clear.

My husband is in charge of putting it in the oven. I would never do that job myself. Problem is, last time he didn't do a good enough job of blocking the oven door and that's how the turkey got out. Men! Amiright?! ;-P

Last year we tried to deep fry because the kids were still so upset about what happened the year before. The deep frying was even worse. Oil everywhere. Feathers catching on fire. Lot's of screaming. We couldn't eat that turkey either.

I'm about to give up if I can't find a better way.


From: Cooking Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

There is no reason you should EVER put a live animal in an oven or a deep frier! Any turkey you cook should be dead and plucked! I really have a hard time believing that you don't know this. Please do not try to put another animal through that! That makes me so sick!


From: June Snapple
To: Cooking Blog
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

Well now I've heard everything. I always thought the turkey should be dead. So one year I went out and found one that was dead, brought it in, and stuck it in the oven. It cooked for 6 hours and when we pulled it out there was no meat on it because it had been eaten by maggots. I asked someone what I did wrong and they told me I couldn't just go get a dead turkey off of the ground and cook it. Now you're telling me I'm not supposed to cook live ones. I give up. The inside of my oven is covered in claw marks and the place still smells like smoke from last year's fire.


From: Cooking Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

June, I'm going to assume that you didn't mean any harm. But what you need is a turkey that has been killed for the purpose of cooking. Either you need to kill it, or you need to buy one at the store that has been killed.  There is no reason that you should be trying to cook a LIVE turkey.


From: June Snapple
To: Cooking Blog
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

KILL IT?!?!?! Absolutely NOT! What do I look like?! A murderer?!?!

Maybe this year I'll just do sandwiches and pumpkin pie.


From: Cooking Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

That sounds like a really good idea.


From: June Snapple
To: Cooking Blog
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

I don't have any pumpkin. Would it make a difference if I substituted the pumpkin for mac n' cheese? They are the same color, after all.

Also, do you think you could come over and do the sandwiches? I'm going to be really busy with the pie.


From: Cooking Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: Did someone say TURKEY!?!? :)

I'm just so relieved that you're not trying to cook live turkeys that I don't even care that I just got pranked for the whole day.


~It Just Gets Stranger

29 comments:

  1. It's so late...and I'm laughing so hard...and I love everything right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who needs the gym? This stuff is a much better ab workout and I don't even need to leave the house. Now, if I could just put it down before I give myself a hernia. Kudos, Eli, another work of art. Crap, I'm going to read it again....lol.

      Delete
  2. The perfect reading while preparing turkey day dinner.

    ReplyDelete
  3. She's a gem for going along with you like that! But honestly, I had the same problem a few years ago. If you put the turkey in the freezer for a few hours (soothe it with some Kenny Loggins on this step. Little known fact: turkeys love his christmas cassette), that stuns it enough that you can slip it right into the oven. Any food blogger worth her salt should know THAT.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Geez, so glad someone has found the proper soothing technique. Let me tell you, turkey's do NOT respond well to Cher music as a way to lull them into the oven.

      Delete
    2. Well I'd think NOT! Don't you know just how much turkeys abhor autotune and pseudo-electronica? Kenny Loggins works wonderfully. As does thrash metal. You would not believe how easy it was to get my turkey into the oven to the tune of "PUNCH! KILL. STAB!"

      Delete
  4. This is too good. Thank you, Eli.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The only thing missing from this blog post is the disclaimer you see at the end of every movie that involves animals....."no animals were abuse, injured or killed in the making of this blog". Got to do it to please PETA.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Omg! Lol! Can't stop laughing! This is why I'm cooking a Ham for Thanksgiving....do I need to find a pig? I don't think a whole pig will fit in my oven! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! I miss you eli! How is everything?? hope you are doing well

    ReplyDelete
  8. Now I won't be able to stop chuckling the whole time the turkey's in the oven on Thanksgiving. Wish I could figure out some way to make it sound like it's gobbling when someone cuts into it...hmm. (Hugs) Indy

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes! I am so happy June Snapple made an appearance over here!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You? Are brilliant. Spent two hours today reading your blog. Shared on fb. Called people even. It's really sort of embarrassing how much I enjoyed reading you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. You? Are brilliant. Spent two hours today reading your blog. Shared on fb. Called people even. It's really sort of embarrassing how much I enjoyed reading you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I would be more interested to know how June (or her husband, but I thought he was serving overseas...) caught the turkey to begin with...
    LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. June is such a tramp that she probably has men all over town helping out with Thanksgiving dinner.

      Delete
  13. Eli, do you ever think about sending your victims a link to your blog? Certainly not appropriate in the case of the gentleman who wants intimate massages...but this one might appreciate knowing that at least she was at their wits' end because she was dealing with someone awesome--in addition to dealing with crazy :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good question. I actually sent the storage unit email people the link after that exchange. I just sent this one off. This lady was a really good sport so I'm sure she'll appreciate that it ended up here.

      Delete
  14. Holy crap. i just started crying i was laughing so hard in my office. Eli, this blog helps me get through graveyard shift. So freaking funny!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hilarious! I love when people have a good sense of humor about things like this.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Man, you come up with some of the funniest stuff I've read in ages! Keep up the good work! Hahaha!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. So glad I didn't read this until after Thanksgiving, because you said "maggots" and "turkey" in the same sentence. *shudder*

    I'm applauding your ridiculousness, though!

    ReplyDelete
  18. The really sad thing is, some hillbilly somewhere is scratching their head thinking "whats the problem with that?"

    ReplyDelete
  19. Mac n' cheese pie :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hahahahahaha I was crying and laughing so hard by the 2nd message from June Snapple, I thought I was going to die. "Well, it's mostly just a matter of keeping the turkey in the oven." Ooooh boy

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh these blogs are soo funny but I also love the humor that all the people who comment show! Sometimes I'm laughing harder at their stories and responses! I love that we have many many many people in the world who share my sense of humor. :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Signs that things aren't going so well:
    You get an e-mail from June Snapple.
    You don't know a "June Snapple".

    ReplyDelete
  23. This is the funniest thing I have ever read! I was literally crying. I have never cooked a turkey but now I know what NOT to do! Thanks for the laughs Eli.

    ReplyDelete