How are you guys feeling?
I'm feeling much better. Thanks for asking. Unless you didn't ask. In which case RUDE. I always ask you how you're feeling.
What? I didn't today? Shoot. Well, I'll add that in at the very beginning of this post. And you'll read that first and won't ever know that I typed that part later just to prove a point.
Now, don't you feel bad for not asking me how I'm feeling?
It's always really awkward for a few days after you've been very sick. The awkwardness comes in two parts. The first part is a result of people knowing too much about what happened. Returning from an embarrassing sickness is the Mormon version of getting really drunk at a work party and having to show up at the office the next morning. Because when you're really sick you share a lot of information about your life and otherwise do things that you might not if you were in your right frame of mind. Like, throwing up on Daniel and texting people "w;alek'2w3;?" I assure you, I would not have done those things on Saturday if my brain wasn't frying. Other things I would not have done in front of other people had I been thinking clearly?
1. Cry for 3 hours on the floor.
2. Go to the beach in my underwear.
3. Text 5 different people about the status of my bowel movements.
That third one is especially terrible. Because everybody knows you don't just talk to the people around you about the status of your youknowwhat when you're healthy. Well, unless you write for Stranger. But that's the ONLY exception.
Then, suddenly, once you're sick, everyone is asking you about how often you're pooping. "Oh I'm so sorry you're not feeling well! Have you had a lot of diarrhea?" And you answer. Unhesitatingly.
It's like there's a Diarrhea loophole in the social rules of correspondence.
Guys. Diarrhea. Think about what that is. It is the most vile thing the human body is capable of doing. It ruins lives. It should be the one taboo topic. People should have access to the witness protection program if they're caught doing it. And yet, we talk about it with anyone who will listen when we're sick.
Can you imagine asking a healthy person how their pooping has been going lately?
Unacceptable: Hey Tom! I saw that you painted your fence this weekend. So have you pooped yet today?
Acceptable: Hi Tom. I hear you've been under the weather. Lots of diarrhea or just vomiting?
Why do we make an exception for sickness? Guys. WHY is that second thing acceptable?
But when you're feeling really sick, it always feels like your days are numbered. And when your days are numbered, you'll pretty much talk about your poop to anyone who will listen. Because maybe they have the secret cure to your problem that nobody else has been able to think of yet. Because when you're desperate, you don't really care about what you're saying anymore. Go to a mid-aged singles party and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Anyway, sorry for all the vomit and poop lately. I never thought I would reach a point in life where I have to apologize for vomit and poop to thousands of strangers. I mean, I hoped. But I never thought it would actually happen.
But now that I'm healthy again and no longer updating people on the status of my digestion, part two of awkward recovery period is in full-swing. Part two is where everyone around you is trying not to be rude but because you were so open with them about what happened while you were sick, they can't shake the feeling that you might still be contagious. So then you make a great effort to convince everyone around you how wonderful you feel and how you've felt that way for a day or two but just didn't come into work "to be on the safe side."
And hopefully in the process you don't blow your cover and start talking about how your poop has gone back to normal. Because that would be a sure-sign that you're actually still sick (see above).
~It Just Gets Stranger