Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Cat Owner Emails

I emailed some cat owner advice blogs as "June Snapple" to get advice on a serious problem. Below is the best of the exchanges. Pay attention to the "from" and "to" on each email header. There are multiple people corresponding here. Also, I'm not sure who "Tom" is in her last email, but I get the feeling he and I would be good friends.


From: June Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

Hey guys! Or should I say "meow!?" ;-P.

So I've got a really serious problem and I have no idea what to do. I recently took in some new cats and now my original cat, Trixy, seems really sad and I think it's because I can't spend all the time on her that I used to. I'm just wondering whether it is ethical for me to keep the new cats or whether I should just release them.


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

Hi June. New pets can cause kitties that were already part of your family to be a little withdrawn. Why can't you still spend time with Trixy? If you can't take care of the new cats, you could try to find them homes. But many people have a few cats and are able to give them all the care they need.


From: June Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

Here's the thing though. It takes SO long to get the cats ready every morning to go out and play. I used to be able to spend all of that time just on Trixy but now I have to divide my time equally and we don't even get out of the house until like noon.


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

May I ask, what are you doing to get the cats ready in the morning? It shouldnt be taking you until noon.


From: June Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

Oh, just the usual morning routine stuff. Feeding them with bottles, getting them bathed and dressed, cat aerobics, helping them email their friends, etc. And now my neighbor asked me to take in a few of her cats. We definitely have the space and money for them and so I just feel so guilty saying no because that would just be really selfish. And if I don't take them in, they are going to a kill shelter. How many cats is too many? When do I draw the line? We have a few already.


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

June, why would they have to go to a kill shelter? If you can take them in, you should. It's ok to have a few cats. And a few more isn't a lot of extra responsibility. You don't need to do all of those things in the morning with your cats. They bath themselves and they exercise when they play. Is it cold? Why are you dressing them up? I would advise you to save those poor cats from a kill shelter.


From: Peter Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: Please, help my wife

Dear Cat Owner Blog. I understand you have been emailing my wife, June.

Please. I beg of you with everything that is in me. Encourage her to start getting rid of some of these cats. Please.

I agreed on having one cat, even though I am completely allergic. ONE cat. Then the next thing I knew, she had brought home another dozen. And then another dozen. And then another. We seriously don't even know how many cats we have in the house right now. But I think it may be upwards of 90 live ones. And now the crazy cat lady next door has asked us to take some of hers because the county found out about her hoarding problem and has condemned her house. She has over 200 herself. I haven't been able to sleep inside my own home for 2 months now. And there is cat crap EVERYWHERE.


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: Peter Snapple
Subject: Please, help my wife

Peter, I have been emailing June. I had no idea what kind of a situation you've been in or I would have encouraged her to seek help. She did not tell me how many cats youre helping. I thought you just had a few cats. I will email her again.


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

Hi June. You're husband let me know what your situation is at your home. It sounds like a bad situation for all of the cats. It is good of you to want to love so many but there comes a point where the cats aren't getting what they need. I strongly advise you to go to the humane society and talk to them about your home situation. They can help you find homes for those cats.


From: Peter Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: Please, help my wife

Great. Thank you SO much for helping me talk to my wife. Oh, and please, whatever you do, do NOT tell June I emailed you. If she finds out I've gotten involved, I'm confident she will take in more cats just to spite me.


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

June, one more thing. I got confused when I emailed you. Another person's husband emailed me about something and I thought it was yours but I was confused. Your husband did not email me. Anyways I still suggest what I did in my last email and I think you should try to get some help.


From: June Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

Fine. But I'm keeping Trixy no matter what you say.


From: Peter Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: Please, help my wife

Thank you SO SO much. Whatever you said to June seems to have worked. She has started putting the cats down


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: Peter Snapple
Subject: Please, help my wife

That is NOT what I suggested!


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: June Snapple
Subject: NEGLECT?!?!?!

June please whatever you do do not hurt the cats in any way. I want to be very clear about that! Just call the humane society and they will know what to do. dont take any further action until they tell you how to proceed!


From: Peter Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: Please, help my wife

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding! I wasn't done typing that email and one of the cats jumped onto the keyboard and it hit send! I was trying to say that she has started putting the cats down into the car to take them to the Humane Society.


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: Peter Snapple
Subject: Please, help my wife

I can't tell if you are just joking with me now but i'm happy that nobody is putting cats down.


From: Peter Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: Please, help my wife

Hey, one more quick thing while I have you. June seems to really listen to you. Could you tell her she should get a job? I'm sick of having to pull all the weight around here. Also, could you ask her to pick up some milk at the store while she's out. I can't seem to get ahold of her and Trixy is getting hungry.


From: Cat Owner Blog
To: Peter Snapple
Subject: Please, help my wife

No. I am stepping out of this.


From: Trixy Meowman Snapple
To: Cat Owner Blog
Subject: ';,mkszuyfhq

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From: Cat Owner Blog
To: Trixy Meowman Snapple
Subject: ';,mkszuyfhq

Hi trixy, tell mom and dad they need to communicate better.

Is this Tom? You think youre so funny :)


~It Just Gets Stranger

18 comments:

  1. Where do you find these advice blogs?! They are always so awful! Speaking as a cat owner, I can tell you that more cats most certainly ARE more responsibility. We have two cats and a puppy and our house feels like a zoo at times. And there is a standing rule for no more pets in the house.

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  2. I love how she responded to Trixy's email. Awesome.

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    1. I also love the image of trixy emailing someone.

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  3. Oh, and Eli, the sideways, squished together, non-words are 'pert near impossible to distinguish. I was almost labled a robot.

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  4. Reading this was the perfect way to start my day. Great job Eli.

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  5. She used the wrong 'your' twice. *headdesk*

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  6. Fantastic. I can't believe she replied to the cat's email.

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  7. Eli, your evil geniusness makes my day.

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  8. "June, one more thing. I got confused when I emailed you. Another person's husband emailed me..." best. way to cover your tracks, advice lady. bravo.

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  9. "She started putting the cats down" Hahaha I am dying

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  10. I love how with somewhere between 3 dozen and possibly 90 love cats it only took you until noon to get them all ready, bottled, dressed, and exercised! You're the man, June!

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  11. Ooooooh! PETER Snapple!? The plot thickens! Love it! As always, very funny!

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  12. Funny, but at the same time, saying you're putting cats down to someone who obviously loves cats is kind of mean. I'm sure when she received that email she became very upset to hear cats were dying.

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  13. I'm dying of laughter here!! Please don't stop posting on your blog!!

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  14. OMG!!!! I am dying here!!!!!

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  15. I'm crying! This is so damn funny!

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