Monday, January 21, 2013

Puking in Palau

This weekend a terrible thing happened. I got sick. And not the good kind of sick where you're just barely down enough to have a few days of justified rest and ice cream eating. Like, the Ebola virus, you'd rather be eaten by the Queen of Colors than continue living, kind of sick.

I got the stomach flu. And everything you've ever heard about the stomach flu all happened to me at exactly the same time for an entire 24 hour period. Plus, it was really HOT.

Mom, you should stop reading this. It will only make you worry.

She's totally still reading. And preparing to yell "eww! Gross!" a whole bunch of times. And she's already cutting out articles from the newspaper to mail to me about the stomach flu and highlighting the parts that say you need to drink lots of water. And she's also slipping one in about how I need to get married. And she's covering the outside of the envelope with colorful smiley-face stickers.

I know you, Cathie. I know your moves.

Anyway. It all started Saturday when a small rumble began at the bottom of my stomach. Three hours later I was curled up into a little ball, groaning on the floor. Then the hot flashes started. Yada yada yada. Skip to the good part.


I started puking at about 7:00 PM. And not like the gagging kind of puking where you cough a lot and spit up half a mouthful of stomach bile like a baby who just got done feeding. Like, violent projectile cannon out of both the mouth and the nose at the same time kind of puking.

Guys. HOW is it possible that I was able to throw up as much as I did?! In the first sitting I threw up SEVEN times. Like, tons and tons of throw up. Like, way more than I had eaten in the prior 200 days. I even saw some stuff I remember consuming in the 3rd grade pass through on about the 6th puke.

And here's the thing about throwing up. You never remember how terrible it is until you are in the exact moment. This was not the first time I had ever thrown up in my life. I've seen an episode of Glee before. I've had experience with throwing up. But I think there is something that happened as a result of evolution where we don't remember how terrible throwing up is right after it happens because that way the next time we need to throw up, we won't throw ourselves off of a bridge to avoid the experience.

Throwing up is THE WORST. It feels like the last thing you're ever going to do.

I plopped back onto the floor in the front room, holding my hurting stomach while the room spun around me.

Earlier that day, before I realized that I was sick, I did a 10 mile run with some friends in the hot Palauan heat. Totally brilliant. And now I was sick, worried about dehydration, and couldn't even drink a sip of water without puking it back up.

Laying on that floor now with everything tingling and hurting, I actually cried.

I know. What the heck, Eli. We thought you were strong. How could you possibly cry over a stomach bug?

Well, I'm only human guys! Sometimes when I'm throwing up in a HOT undeveloped country and everything hurts, I just want to cry. Let me have this one. You can have your thing. I get to cry sometimes. We're even.

A few more hours went by when suddenly the puking urge came back, and a little too quickly for me to make it to the bathroom this time. Fortunately Daniel had placed a large bowl next to me, into which I threw up. Mostly. A bunch of it ran down my sweaty 103 degree body.

I threw up another 5 times and then just started dry-heaving. And was it wrong that my first thought when I saw how much I had filled up the very large bowl was to take a picture of it to show you guys so you would know I wasn't exaggerating when I later told you the story? Don't worry. I was too weak to go get my camera. But I think I might have a problem.

Once that was over, I crawled into the bathroom, climbed into the shower still clothed, curled up into a little ball on the shower floor, and turned the water on.

Daniel heard me whimpering and came in to check on me. He had witnessed 5 or so hours of intense drama, but seeing me laying on the shower floor, covered in puke, fully clothed, and crying, was too much for him.

And you know what that guy did? He climbed into the shower, fully clothed, picked me up by the armpits, and washed the throw up off of me, telling me that everything was going to be ok.

Guys. Good friends hold your hair back while you puke. Great friends climb into the shower in their clothes and wash the puke off of your body. Remember that for the future when you're trying to figure out which of your friends are good and which are great. A new standard has been set.

It reminded me of a lot of stories my little sister Micalyne used to tell me about when she was a nurse in an Alzheimer's wing of an old folks' home. Except I didn't mistake Daniel for my daughter and then bite him at the end.

Moments after he turned the water off, I fainted. And fortunately this was while Daniel was still holding me up.

When I came to about 3 minutes later, I was laying on my back, half-way onto my bed, soaking wet, and covered with towels. Daniel was trying to drag me the rest of the way onto the bed. And he was laughing. Not the "oh my gosh, this experience is so fun" kind of laugh, but more like the hysteria-inducing "holy hell I'm freaked out and have someone else's throw up on me" kind of laugh.

Again: Daniel, Friend of the Year, 2013.

The rest of the night was rough, especially when Daniel started throwing up too. I steered clear of that mess because GROSS. There was NO WAY I was going to go anywhere near him while he was throwing up. Seriously. What if he got me sick?!

I kid. I didn't actually know he was throwing up that night because I wasn't really in a state of "awareness."

By Sunday morning we both looked and felt like we had been through a war. One that is fought by people throwing up on each other.

We're ok now. But I'm considering having all of my organs amputated so that it doesn't happen again.

~It Just Gets Stranger

51 comments:

  1. I doubt you'll forget how awful that experience was.

    A year and a half ago I got horrible food poisoning. The sickest I have ever been. The thing is, I was taking a day trip in a town four hours away from home.

    I started feeling bad on the drive home. So I let my ex-boyfriend drive. We were an hour from home when it hit me: I was going to throw up. He tried to get off the freeway in time, but the exit wasn't near enough. He had to reach in back, hand me a bag, I had to quickly yank the contents of the bag out, and I promptly vomitted inside the bag. We pulled off the freeway at the next exit, and I threw away the bag and cleaned myself up. I thought I was okay then, so we bought me some Gatorade and got back on the freeway.


    Then the urge came again. And the exit wasn't soon enough again. And we didn't have a bag this time. I wound up opening the car window and throwing up from a moving car all over the freeway...and the side of the car. While going 60 mph. It was a mess.

    So we made it home. I couldn't drink anything. I kept getting sick. Diarrhea kicked in at one point. My body was clearing everything out. 17 bouts of both vomiting and diarrhea each in total. Worse yet: after about round 10, it started coming AT THE SAME TIME. I had to have a bowl by the toilet.

    It ended with dry heaving and some popped blood vessels, prompting a trip to the doctor's office the next morning (after a night of no sleep). I spent that week eating Popsicles and drinking juice.

    I will never forget how awful that night was...but it was one hell of a story. How many people have thrown up outside a moving car?!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh dear.. Not the sort of post one should be reading after just finishing a 'Second Christmas' feast. I soldiered on anyway because you have this amazing ability to make ANYTHING funny. Hope you feel better soon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Omg, i'm just picturing world war III being fought with puke now vs nukes. And we thought it couldn't get worse than nukes...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm glad I read this BEFORE breakfast. Sara, I'm laughing at your post...because I've totally been there before, it sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sounds like we had the same weekend. Except I don't have a 'great' friend like Daniel. Mine just pointed and laughed. So I tripped her on her way out of the bathroom.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Daniel is the BEST FRIEND the world has ever seen. What a great guy. I'm so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I had dreams I was throwing up all night and in my dreams I was too sick to wake up to verify...the good news is it was just a dream after all. Are you sure you weren't dreaming too? I miss your face.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I got that exact same awfulness of stomach flu two days after Christmas, but it lasted three days... awfulness, grossness, ugh, I feel for you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's too bad you didn't have a cat - My sister was feeling sick, and suddenly rushed to the bathroom to puke. The cat, who thinks it owns the bathroom, tried to rush in ahead of her, causing her to stumble, which meant she couldn't focus on not throwing up. The throw up went RIGHT ON THE CAT, who then freaked out and ran around the house while the family tried to catch him so the idiot cat wouldn't spread vomit everywhere. At the time, it was terrible, but now, my sister remembers fondly throwing up on the cat. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This made me laugh so hard!!! My cat too thinks he owns the bathroom and tries to rush in ahead of people.. I should read your story to him, maybe he'll stop.

      Delete
    2. Damn cats! Funny story, though... :)

      Delete
  9. We once got the norovirus on a cruise ship. My husband and I along with our 22 month old and 10 month old children. Fun times. Unforgettable "vacation."

    It's now history!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh my!!!! You DO know mom very well!!! I'm sure she is totally doing all of that!

    She also asked me yesterday if you need a visa to visit Palau or just a passport. When I asked her why she said "I'm just trying to make sure I'm ready to go at any moment, you know Eli is very very sick!!!" She loves you WAY more than she HATES flying! An you know that's A LOT!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In my defense or as an explanation...I am only acting like a mother......love you both, xo. Mom :) :)

      Delete
  11. I'm pretty sure that Daniel gets more than 'best friend 2013'. The dude was covered in your vomit! That's probably more than most people would ever consider doing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what I thought after reading his story! I can't see any friend present or future topping that feat so Daniel should be "best friend for life!"

      Delete
  12. I read somewhere that most of the time the 24 hour flu bug is actually food poisoning. . . So you might wanna see if there's any food in your house that might be bad. I would hate for you to go through that horrifying experience again any time soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is true. Some surprising sources for common food poisoning are lettuce and rice.

      Delete
  13. I (like your mother, probably) was reading this with my hands ready to pounce up and protect my eyes should you post anything too graphic or pictoral, but at the end when you said:
    "By Sunday morning we both looked and felt like we had been through a war. One that is fought by people throwing up on each other."
    I was laughing myself to TEARS!! I'm glad you have both recovered. Drink lots of water and buy Daniel a car or something-- he is a amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Daniel is the best. Go Daniel! I will start replacing the word "friend" with "Daniel".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forgot to put some examples:
      "Mom, I invited all my Daniels over for dinner today"
      "I have this Daniel that buys me breakfast every day... Do YOU have a Daniel like that?"
      "You're my BDF (Best Daniel Forever)"

      Eli, had you put a picture of your puke in this post, I would have immediately abandoned your blog and started looking for the Queen of Colors' Spirit to becomes best Daniels with it.

      Delete
    2. gosh.. *become best Daniels with

      Delete
    3. They should change the name of the tv show "Friends" to "Daniels."

      Delete
  15. "I will start replacing the word 'friend' with 'Daniel.'" Awesome. Daniel truly is the best daniel anyone could hope to shower with. Love you guys. Hope you feel better forever more.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Daniel is an amazing person!!! Sorry you were sick Eli - but Daniel has shown his worth a truest friend. Picking you up and hysteria-induced laughter - awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I read the title and I hesitated reading, cause... puking in palu? Ew. But you are such a good writer and guy that I thought "okay well he won't go in detail and talk about it the whoooole post." Ha. However I am thouroughly impressed with Daniel's awesomeness!! That's amazing! What a great guy!

    ReplyDelete
  18. But I was the one who texted you a reminder about oral arguments. Now who is the better Daniel? Shoot, I mean friend.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The thing I hate most about throwing up is that you might weigh a couple of kilos less when you've finished being sick but that weight does not stay off. I think after all that pain and suffering you should get to enjoy the new, slimmer you for at least a week. Plust those sore abs that you get from the uncontrolled dry heaving does NOT result in a six-pack. Again - totally unfair!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Throwing up is seriously the worst. Last time I did it, I'm pretty sure I actually puked up my stomach as it hasn't happened again since.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow, Daniel is a sweetheart. A really, truly, great friend. I'm so glad that both of you got through that. Because, yes, puking sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  22. First off, I personally am flattered that you thought of us in your time of need, even if it was to take a picture of your bowl of puke. Second, sorry I'm going to share my sick stories with you because you'll probably just end up hating me. Third, I believe no one is as amazing as Daniel. You could marry him, to please Cathie anyway..unless she would find it as weird as it sounds...nevermind, I just wanted to agree that Daniel is great. Fourth, I hope you two get well soon!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Not. I'm not going to share stories...

    ReplyDelete
  24. Eli, this is one of your funniest yet! Put on your check list when looking for a wife..."will clean up puke"!

    ReplyDelete
  25. This story is exactly the reason I check Stranger every single day. And Daniel really is the best Daniel ever. He's making all of my Daniels seem like . . . friends.

    ReplyDelete
  26. There is something to be said for binge drinking, helps you perfect the art of throwing up. This sounds like a typical Sunday morning after a late night episode at the bar. Keep up the good work Eli!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm skipping most of this because it is beginning to remind me of the beginning of The Office episode where Pam throws up and before you know it everyone else in the office is throwing up, too. And I'm at work and don't want to start throwing up. But yes, Daniel totally wins the 2013 Friend of the Year award.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Vomiting is the worst.
    And Daniel is the best.
    Pulling in Palau sounds like misery at its finest; glad you both survived! (Do you have PTSD from this experience? It's a valid question!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *puking in Palau, I meant. Obviously.

      Delete
  29. Ugh, I feel your misery. 4 pregnancies, 3 of which were spent projectile vomiting for 5-6 months straight. I finally broke down and got the anti emetics this time around. Keep some anti emetic syrup in the medicine cabinet for next time. It really helps slow down the rate of puking.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh, you had me in tears with this one. So funny. This happened to my brother in law one time. My sister earned the best wife award. She had to clean up his front, his behind, the bathroom floor, walls, and toilet, all while he was passed out on the floor. Then she had to call one of his friends to help her carry him to the car and then into the ER. Once they got there he woke up and puked all over one of the nurses in the hall. Lol, so glad it wasn't me.

    ReplyDelete
  31. It's probably fair to say that no-one likes dealing with puke but I'm good at it... if you are a child or genuinely sick (vomiting out your organs after contracting a bug counts) but I'm not so good at self inflicted sick.

    My hubby got 'chunder-drunk' as it is colloquially known in Australia and managed to spew a technicolour-rainbow of cheap wine and carrot chunks up and across our toilet wall as he stood and turned to vomit in the toilet he had been previously sitting on. Naturally, we had overnight guests and just one bathroom meaning I was morally obliged to clean up rather than leaving it for him as a present in the morning. While I attended to this unholy mess (with very little good humour or grace) he moved on and ran himself a lovely deep bath, climbed in and proceeded to fall asleep. I honestly contemplated leaving him there... eventually my deep loathing for avoidable paperwork won the battle and I pulled the plug out and took it to bed with me. Very kind and thoughtful under the circumstances, I'm sure you'll agree... He was very cold, very stiff and not very grateful when he eventually woke - it was winter!!

    He hasn't done it again, well, at least not when I'm his designated 'other'. I'm sure he wishes I was more like Daniel.

    Cheers,
    Bridg

    ReplyDelete
  32. Holy crap, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! I've been that kind of sick before and I hope you don't have to go through it again any time soon, but since you already went through it I'm glad I got to read about it. I'm glad I got to read about your copious vomiting. So uplifting.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Just thank the heavens you're not a woman and can't get pregnant. I felt like this for weeks during both pregnancies. I lost ten pounds in two weeks with my last one. Trust me I understand the crying. I spent a lot of time crying and cursing my gender. But at least I got dang cute babies out of it eh?

    ReplyDelete
  34. I got the stomach flu on a nasty Russian train from Moscow to Voronezh. Can you imagine puking in those toilets? Fortunately my mind has blocked out most the details of it to protect me.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Yes, i think he gets friend of the year award! thats horrible DX

    ReplyDelete
  36. That sounds very unpleasant. I most defiantly will never be a great friend like Daniel to any one. I am also from Utah so I understand the mom slipping that I need to get married in to every conversation some how.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Wow, I wish I had a daniel like Daniel...I mean friend like Daniel.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Why is it so humorous when other people puke, or even in recalling our own bouts? I am flashing back and laughing so hard, I can hardly type! My own best story is spontaneously ralphing while driving over the Golden Gate Bridge, in my own lap, trying to keep my eyes open and not play bumper cars with traffic. There is no place whatsoever to pull over, just had to forge ahead to the other end. Never got the smell out of the car and got a new one soon after LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Can I have Daniel?

    ReplyDelete
  40. dont drink water when you're pukey.
    it's an automatic reflex to throw it up.
    drink gatorade!

    ReplyDelete
  41. Melonie EternickaJuly 9, 2013 at 1:22 PM

    best puke story ever! there might be something seriously wrong with me that I laughed through almost the entire story...I'm sorry you were sick, but hey! you found out who your real friend was and it makes for a great/sick memory!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Ok usually I feel queezy if someone talks about puking, but I found myself laughing quite a bit, and then the next thing I know I am saying...out loud...Oh you poor baby. I was sick just like that when I was 5. I had a blood infection. I am am just so glad it's all over now and you haven't had an issue like that again. You're so lucky you had someone there with you. Oh and your not crazy at all for wanting to take a pic...I'd do the same thing lol. I've had 9 surgeries and I have pics documenting all of them. From all angles and various degrees of healing. I take pics of my food, anything funny, weird or jus plain out there. But I digress, again, I am just glad you are better and hopefully this won't happen again : )

    ReplyDelete