Tuesday, January 8, 2013

So, The Equator is Kind of Hot

I've learned a lot of things since I got to Palau. But the very biggest thing is this: it is so freaking unbelievably hot on the equator.

Seriously.

Man is not meant to live this close to the sun. We didn't evolve this way. I actually don't think man can evolve to be able to handle this. Because the locals' families have been on the island since the dinosaurs and they seem to think it's just as hot as I do. That's why the men walk around with their shirts rolled up over the top of their bellies and why everything takes so long to get done.

I haven't yet dared to join the belly-shirt trend. But every day I get a little closer.

Because it's so so so hot down here. And the last thing anyone down here wants to do at any given time is anything. Because when it's hot, doing stuff is uncomfortable. Even stuff that didn't seem that bad when I was living in winterland.


Suddenly you don't just have to do your laundry anymore. You have to do your laundry while it's hot.

You no longer have to simply go to the grocery store. You have to go to the grocery store in the miserable heat.

Meeting up with your friends? No. Not that simple. You have to meet up with your friends with beams from hell shooting at you from the sky.

I really believe that the only reason why there is still a civilization in Palau is because it's so hot that nobody wanted to put forth the effort to migrate to somewhere more sensible.

Not that I dislike Palau. It's really beautiful and blah blah blah. But, you get the idea.

It's hot.

And not only is it hot ALL THE TIME. It is SO SO SO humid.

Guys. I have been sweating non-stop for 3 months. I truly don't believe there has been a single identifiable moment where I have not had sweat pouring from all of my sweat glands. I have to wash my sheets every 3 minutes because by the time I wake up in the morning they look, smell, and feel like I wore them while training for an Ironman.

I know. Eli, you knew it was going to be hot. Why did you move to Palau if you couldn't handle the heat? 

Seriously guys? You have to point that out right now? Sometimes you can be so tacky. By the way, I like that shirt. Is it new?

So, I went to 3rd grade. I remember learning that the equator is hot. I was paying attention. It was on one of the days when I had to sit behind aged Mrs. Painter's desk because Torie Thomas and I had been playing "touch Mrs. Painter's butt without her noticing." And I lost.

But I didn't think it was going to be this hot. Before I came to Palau, I packed some long-sleeved shirts and shipped 7 blankets for those chilly tropical nights. Guess what? THEY DON'T EXIST!!!

It is NEVER EVER, no matter what else you've heard, chilly in Palau. I don't even believe that it's cold inside the freezer in my apartment.

I really want to stress this in case you aren't following: it is SO FREAKING HOT!!!

As a result, I opt against wearing clothes whenever possible. Whenever possible is pretty much just when I'm at home. The problem is, I have two very large windows at the front of my place and the neighbors frequently walk by and can see everything that I'm doing. Like, say, hand-stand contests and the occasional impromptu nude interpretive dance without music.

So I have to make a decision between privacy and view/airflow.

Guys, I know. Modest is hottest. I was a Mormon in the '90s. But when you move to the equator, modest really is hottest. And not in the pioneer-sexy way. But in the sweaty suffocation way.

What I need right now more than anything is for everyone to remind me how horrible snow is. Because I'm sort of starting to forget what it feels like. Is it like cotton?

~It Just Gets Stranger

47 comments:

  1. How can one person be this funy all the time? Do you have an entire comedy staff working for you?

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  2. Why yes, my shirt IS new, thank you for noticing!

    I can sympathize though. I attended grad school in Georgia (the state, not the country, but I'm sure both are equally miserably hot and humid). Heat makes me want to die.

    Instead I'm running away to London, where the climate is exactly like it is here in Tacoma.

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  3. Maybe if you actually pulled a nude interpretive dance, your neighbors wouldn't want to walk by your window as often and then allowing you more freedom from the heat!

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  4. I live in GA- south GA... I would rather be hot than cold... You can get cool. Get naked, jump in the ocean, bath, air conditioner...
    Cold, ugh. It just goes straight to your bones and hurts.

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    1. I agree completely about preferring heat to cold. I'm from Tuscaloosa, AL...the humidity is horrendous, but I'll take it!

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  5. I lived in Louisiana right after Katrina and we had no electricity, not only that but in order to cook for my family I had to do it outside on a one burner propane stove and it was soooooo hot. On the flip side of that I now live in Oklahoma and my water pipes keep freezing to the point where we will be without water for most of the day, have water for an hour we all take quick showers get a drink for our parched throats and there is NO snow so we can not even have the fun aspect of cold no just cold cold cold uggg

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  6. Snow is horrible. And in a deceptive way. It looks pretty at first, and it makes us all excited, because, hey, school delays and sledding are fun. But then, eventually, I realize that I am no longer 12, and I have to go out in the stuff. To shovel it. To get groceries. To get the mail. To do anything other than be cooped up in a house with 5 kids who are not at school. And sledding at 38 is not the same as sledding at 15. At all. People die all of the time from snow related car accidents. Old people freeze to death or have heart attacks while shoveling their drives. And the prettiness of the snow fades quickly. We went for a family walk last night, and the 5 kids were picking up the 3 week old snow that we still have on the ground and throwing it at each other. It was brown. And hard. And gross. But it is everywhere because we got 10 inches of it at one time and it has been too cold to melt since. "I cannot breathe or feel my face I am going to die now" cold. Winter is overrated. Snow stinks.

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    1. I hope that made you feel better, because now I have to confess that I would take snow over the equator any day. My husband has, within the past three years, applied for a job in Alaska, International Falls, MN, and Green Bay, WI. I would move to any of these places before even considering equatorial regions. So sorry for your pain (and your neighbors), but even this weekend, when the rain comes, the temps reach 60º, and all of the Christmas snow turns into a January flood, I will be thankful to be in Ohio.

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  7. Utah just finished a week straight of negative degree weather every morning. My car was having problems and it killed multiple friends' batteries. Believe me I'd take Palau any day.

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  8. Okay, as a girl that was raised on the equator I can promise you two things: it never gets cooler and you do get used it. After 7 years there, I was wearing hoodies outside in the middle of the afternoon. 80 degrees started to feel downright cold, and anythng below 70 required a jacket. It gets better! It gets bearable!

    And until then...I have it on good authority that most people enjoy nude interpretive dance, especially when sprinkled with liberal amounts of Gangnam Style.

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  9. Well now I'm just all sorts of confused. I was hoping that the TMZ scandal would involve some sort of graphic pics...but all the pics you post, including at the beach include way too many clothes...and TMZ doesn't "roll" that way if you know what I mean. I'd totally buy a "hot" eli calendar. I think we all would.

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  10. I live in Salt Lake, and the warmest it has been in the past 3 weeks (ish) is 30 degrees. Usually it's about 18. And it has snowed. A LOT. It's awful. Palau sounds like heaven in comparison.

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  11. Not only is Utah cold, as has been mentioned, it is also January. Time for the lovely Utah inversion. You can't see the mountains, or blue sky or pretty much anything in color, it all looks like dull gray versions of what it used to be.

    Plus I, like half of the county, cant breathe. The air is so cold, dry and thick I have an asthma attack whenever I go outside. Get the mail? Nope, can't breathe. Go to work? Well, yes, because I need a paycheck. But I take about 5 minutes before I can talk without coughing up pieces of my lung. Even when I stay inside, I struggke to breathe so much that if I talk for more than 15 seconds I have to explain why I sound like a 3 pack a day for 70 years smoker (that explanation is made worse because I talk to a lot of people out of state)

    I think I would enjoy humidity right now. Oh, and blue skies, I miss those.

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    1. Of the top 5 cities with the worst air yesterday, Utah had 4 of them. The good news is we get more snow! (That's a sarcastic exclamation point)

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  12. No, it's not new. I just haven't worn it much recently. It was too hot.

    You know why snow sucks? You can't wear sandals. I hate that. I can't even remember where I keep socks by the time winter comes along. And then I have to put up all my sandals because I could lose a toe from frostbite. Seriously, once it gets to the mid 30s, sandals just don't work.

    Also, you can't wear heals because it's too icy. But I doubt that's a problem for you. At least, I don't THINK it's a problem for you... I suppose I could be wrong. Can you add that to you Q&A? Just for my piece of mind...

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  13. It's so cold in Utah right now. Freezing! Painful freezing. Like the tip of your fingernails turn blue after five minutes kind of freezing. Chickens eggs are freezing if not brought inside right after they are laid. Our pipes a freezing. Awful!

    True story. Feell any better?

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  14. Two words: Wind Chill Factor (okay, three...)

    Two more: Lake Effect

    Oh... And two more: Black Ice

    Do you remember feeling so cold that it seemed to settle into your bones? That deep, lingering chill? That's been Utah since New Year's Day. Nasty, frigid, icicles-tearing-down-rain-gutters cold. And now the inversion has set in like another commenter mentioned. IS the sky still blue!?

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  15. No, snow is not like cotton! It's like the fingertips of Ice Hell clutches at your face, then makes its way down your shirt and pants to violently rape you in the coldest, iciest way imaginable.

    Also, I remember seeing a bunch of guys roll their shirts above their bellies when I was in China. It wasn't incredibly hot when I was there. They would usually do that coming out of restaurants after they've had a good meal. Sometimes you would see more guys who would join the bare belly clan as it got warmer outside.

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    1. Comparing the frigid temperatures to icy rape KILLS me! Your description hit the nail on the head!

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  16. I'm here for you, Eli. I'm about to tell you exactly how crummy the cold is, because: I live in Idaho Falls, and lately it's felt subarctic. Seriously, negative temperatures. (Negative Fahrenheit, Eli!)

    Yesterday it actually warmed up to somewhere near 28*, but because of what they've been calling a "freezing mist," we've all been chilled to the bone. It's very unpleasant, Eli. Very. Unpleasant.

    If ever you get bummed out about the nasty equatorial heat, try and feel bad for those of us who live in the tundra without a garage and so we have to scrape our windshields in the biting cold. We have to shovel the snow, Eli, and I kind of want to get married so I can pass that buck onto my husband 'cause that's more of a man's job. (Call me sexist, I don't care; but still the joke's on me because I'm NOT married, and therefore have to watch out for myself when it comes to shoveling snow and de-icing my car.) Think of those of us who have to wear no less than 3-4 layers INSIDE in order to stay warm. I'm wearing 3 layers (including a woolen sweater), plus slippers, and I'm sitting on a heating pad, with my little space heater pointed at me. And I swear, I can still feel my leg hairs growing.

    Winter is the pits, man.

    But so is humid heat. Humid heat is worse than almost anything.

    Now I'm sad for both of us...

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    1. Oh Gina! I sure love you. Your melodic version of crappy Idaho Falls weather warms the only spot of my heart that isn't already frostbitten.

      Eli, she's not kidding. Not even a little. No sarcasm. No exaggerating. It's cold here. Like the cold you can't escape from. When the news report this morning said that we would finally be breaking that 32* mark, tears were shed. Then, they froze to my cheeks and I had to turn to my hair dryer to relieve myself of THAT discomfort.

      Sigh. Wanna trade? I'm no lawyer, but I'm a mean interpretive dancer! And my cats are my backup dancers! It's really a sight to behold. Think your boss would approve? Maybe if I wore my shirt up over my belly....

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    2. Oh, Heather, I miss you! :)

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  17. I would love to have snow ( never seen it before). We in Western Australia have had the past few weeks of nothing under 104 degrees during the day and the nights not much cooler. Try sleeping in that when the constant heat has warmed your house to a furnace. I know exactly the feeling of being too hot to move. Send the snow!!

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  18. http://nealandmckall.blogspot.com/ For you Eli. Since you seem to need so much help right now!

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  19. Eli,
    Let's trade. I'll go to deliciously warm Palau, and you can come to Provo, where last week we were living in the single digits. I have forgotten what it feels like to be warm.

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  20. We lived in the Philippines where it is also hot ALL the time. Locals say there is a cold season...that is a lie. And there is no central air, and electricity costs $500/mo when you are only running one room aircon unit at a time. No clothes became the norm at home but it was no big deal because we lived on the 29th floor of a condo building. I had the blinds open one lovely afternoon, enjoying the view of smog-ridden Manila whilst playing computer games, sans clothing of course. Little did I know it was high-rise window washing day. Those Filipino window washers have probably never seen a naked white woman move so quickly to close blinds.

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  21. Last week you couldn't walk outside (cozy in three jackets, leggings, jeans, etc.) without losing your breath and suddenly only going 10% of your regular speed because your organs are shutting down.

    This week is much warmer, you almost only have to wear ONE coat!

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  22. This is a link from a year ago, but I think it will help you through these difficult times:

    http://news.yahoo.com/photos/death-toll-rises-in-ukraine-cold-spell-1328020427-slideshow/firefighters-emergency-services-workers-dig-high-snow-clear-photo-180456834.html

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  23. As a Vegas girl living in Salt Lake, I can assure you that you're not missing anything but snow and freezing temperatures. Except for today, today it is 46 degrees and feels AMAZING. I feel your pain though, I'll take snow over melting any day.

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  24. I live in Orem, and like everyone's said, Utah has been in the negatives! Last week, the highs averaged at about 5 degrees. That was the high!!!!!!!

    When I go outside to drive to work in the morning, my nose hairs freeze in .03 seconds, and it feels weird, and COLD!

    My apartment is cold all the time, I have to wear layers inside. The other day, the temperature rose to 18 degrees, and it felt incredible! A heat wave, man! A below-freezing heat wave!

    Snow's been on the ground for weeks, and it's all packed down and dirty, and I don't even want to guess how much pee is in it. You can't even eat that stuff anymore.

    And the other day at work, I had to wear gloves while at my computer, and even then, my fingers were too numb to type anything (granted, the heater was broken).

    Also, the other day, the humidity was at 100%. Cold weather is bad, but when there's cold water in the air, that's even worse.

    Like someone else said, I've forgotten what warm feels like!

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  25. Well there are some hefty comments on here so i 'll keep it brief.
    How ironic, yes my shirt is new. Merry Christmas.
    Also I think I'm going to try out your game with Mrs. Painter. Sounds like quite the adventure.

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  26. Oh yeah! I, anonymous, would also like to add how very thankfull I am that you have been posting so frequently lately. I really love it.

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  27. Hate snow, love cold. Everyone's huddling around where I am in coats,boots, scarfs up to the eyes, and i'm just walking around in a t-shirt and jeans like "What?".. Jealous? ;)

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  28. On New Years I was talked into venturing into the snow. I began 2013 with lips the color of the Cookie Monster, and feet that I literally could not feel due to the level frostbite I was suffering from. Snow is not a good thing.

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  29. Can we trade? I am currently living in three feet of snow and it is miserable. I need Palau heat right now. Shoveling driveways is exhausting, always wearing at least four layers of clothes, etc etc. ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE. I guess this just shows no one is ever really happy with what they have. haha

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  30. Utah has been so cold lately! I keep wondering when the snow will go away. I used to live in Louisiana and I have actually been dreaming of going back to Louisiana just to thaw out my fingers.

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  31. Everybody should just move to Fresno! It's been sunshine and blue skies all "winter." The coldest it gets during the day is still "all you need is a light jacket" weather.:) I'm still driving with my windows down... after one winter in Utah it feels like paradise to me.

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  32. I went from SLC to the very southernmost tip of Texas, and you know what makes the heat and humidity even worse? The fact that you're wearing much hotter undies than everyone else. Nothing like sweating in your g's!

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    1. This is the best thing I've read all day; misery at its finest! :) haha...

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  33. It's 30 degrees and snowing here in Draper Ut. And the snow is like soft fluffy cottony clouds. I slept with the window open a crack so that it felt extra snuggly under my blanky. Not to rub it in or anything but I think I'll wrap up in my Snuggie and watch the snow fall for awhile.

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  34. I live in Georgia - it was 62 today and humid. It's JANUARY! Crazy and great at the same time. However, if you have ever been to Tucson in June you would know that Palau isssss so much better. Tucson is one of the hottest, dryest, worst places on earth. It makes you thank God for humidity! We visited an outdoor aviation museum and I was so desperate for water I even drank out of a public water fountain- i know, i know, risky behavior. . . It was prior to the "bring your own water bottle" craze. Humidity is good- at least you don't feel like you are baking in a tandoori oven.

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  35. Welcome to the same climate as Florida Eli. It's hot all year long. In the winter we get hot and in the rest of the year we get satan's panties hot. Oh except for the week of "cold" we get in February (it gets down to the high 60's for a few hours and that's about it.) Plus the humidity in Florida is just as bad. I visited Japan back in September and thought it'd be different... I was so wrong. It's the same dang climate!

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  36. I live in Utah, and am currently experience "Winter Storm Gandalf" (according to the radio). Snow sucks. It makes people think the straight lane is the turning lane, or they cut everyone off. And apparently between April and December everyone forgets how to drive in it! Also, it might be pretty at first, but then it gets yellow and gray and turns to ice. It makes your pants and shoes get wet, so then you're just really cold and uncomfortable until you can change and/or dry. And it makes me fall down a lot. Moral of the story: snow sucks (after Christmas of course.)

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  37. I walked outside to 6 inches today. It was miserable. And cold. And hard to drive in. And it won't go away until April. And it is sticky. And I am wrapped up in my blankets, wishing I was home in Florida instead of freezing in Utah. These are all true statements.

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  38. its soooo cold in Utah. i love humidity & heat..

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  39. This is why cold is bad: http://www.tout.com/m/hfpk8k . Because the Gods of misery have frowned upon Provo, and if the Gods of misery are frowning? We all need to move. Snow is bad. But now we're not even talking snow! There's ICE. EVERYWHERE. And nobody can get anywhere without almost killing themselves, and then wishing they had succeeded when they still can't stand up after their fall of shame. Anyways. It's very amusing if you're inside. But, one foot out the door and you're wishing you never laughed. Cold bad. Warm good. The End. PS- Love your blog.

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