Sunday, January 6, 2013

Water in my Face

On Friday I asked you to email someone and I gave you pretty much no other information. And you guys have come through like champs. I swear I'm not trying to keep you in suspense by failing to explain the whole story today. It's just that, I have been cooking something up for a while now and I needed you all to be part of the process. It should all be over soon and hopefully I'll have a funny story for you as a result.

Guys, I know. I'm excited for the whole story, too. Like, you remember how excited you got when you were a kid and watched The Price is Right and they announced they were going to play Pinko? I'm at least that excited. But we're all going to have to wait for just a minute.

In the meantime, I have some serious health problems that should be addressed.

I'm not sure whether they're related but two very strange things are occurring on my face:

1. When I plug my nose and blow, air comes out of my right eye socket.

2. Somewhere around 1 pint of water gets trapped inside my sinuses every time I swim.

Here's the thing. I'm not that worried about these conditions because they don't affect anything I care about, i.e., the ability to eat a lot of ice cream and animals.


Wait. That came out wrong. I didn't mean that I eat animals. I meant that I care about them. Which is actually just a joke, because I don't care about animals. And I guess I do eat them. But it sounds really disturbing when you say that I eat "animals." When you say it like that it sounds like I'm eating your pets. And I swear I'm not. Unless any of the meat I have eaten in my life was once your pet. In which case, sorry.

I discovered the air out of my right eye socket thing last summer and learned quickly that I shouldn't demonstrate this for anyone. Because every time I demonstrated it, like 300 people un-friended me on Facebook. And not the people who fill my home page with manipulative pictures of Jesus and misspelled instructions that say, "like if you beleive, ignoare if you worship Satan." But like, the normal fun people who post mildly humorous and unimposing status updates about once a month. So, yeah. Not just losing friends fast. Losing quality friends fast, here.

The problem with the pint of water in my nose problem, however, is that I can't really help but demonstrate it. And that's how last week happened.

The water gets trapped deep up inside my nose and for the most part I can't really tell that it's there. The problem has gotten a lot worse ever since we came up with the Harry Potter ocean game because it requires all players to throw themselves violently into the water face-first a number of times.

It's a fun game. I swear. I'm not giving it up. I don't care what the consequences are.

Anyway, the water stays put in my nose until I lean just the right way. And then, the flood-gates.

Guys, I know once or twice on here I have said things that could possibly constitute a slight exaggeration if you really think about it hard. But I'm telling you right now, I am not kidding with what I'm about to say. Last week, while in a meeting with a judge, I leaned forward to take something from his desk and AT LEAST one tablespoon of water came pouring out of my nose.

I know. Eli, how could you tell that it was one tablespoon? Did you have a tablespoon with you at the time to measure it? Well played, guys.

Admittedly, I had left my tablespoon home that day. But this was my nose. And I know when a tablespoon of fluid quickly gushes from my face. And this was one of those times. If anything I'm being conservative here. It might have been like a whole cup. But I'm going to just say that it was one tablespoon so that when we all get to heaven and find out that it was actually half a cup you'll be shocked again instead of being all like, "Oh. Is that all? We thought it was a full cup. Half a cup sounds lame now."

Somebody make a note of this on your list of things to ask in heaven in case I forget. Because I have a lot of questions about what the heck happened in Lord of the Rings so I might not get to the water-in-the-nose question.

Anyway, when the water fell out of my nose and onto the floor, it made a splashing sound. Seriously. I looked at the judge who was doing that polite thing where you pretend like you didn't notice that something embarrassing happened by quickly starting to ask a question loudly. But then when you get half-way through it, you stop and you're all "now what was I just going to ask you?" because you didn't actually have a real question but were just trying to move beyond something horribly awkward.

Maybe there will be a time in my life when this is incredibly useful. Like, maybe I'll be in a job interview for the circus one day and when they start to turn me away because they aren't impressed that I can walk on the back of my toes (true), I'll turn and say, "but wait. What do you think about this?!" And then I'll lean forward and pour water out of my nose and they'll be stunned and all like, "oh. my. gosh. We've never seen anything like this before." And then they'll be speechless. And when they make a movie about it later, at that part the really inspirational score from the film will start playing. And then there will be a voice over by Denzel Washington, because that's who will play me in the film, talking about how that's how I got my start.

Maybe I shouldn't get this fixed.

For now I just need a diaper for my face.

~It Just Gets Stranger

21 comments:

  1. Tampons. They work wonders. And I am sure they sell those in Palau right next to the windex.

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  2. In case you haven't thought about this (though I'm sure you have since you're smart and all- that said, I'm still going to say it anyway because if I didn't and you died I would feel personally responsible even though I've never met you and I only started following your blog like 3 weeks ago)....having water trapped in your sinus cavity (especially warm tropical water) is kind of asking for massive (and potentially very harmful) infections. With all the bacteria, and other awesomely gross things naturally occurring in the water, prolonged exposure is probably something that should be avoided. Even at the risk of never being able to realize you circus dreams.

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  3. That happens to me after I get a sinus infection...and not right after but like a month after. It's always a surprise at to when it will happen too, but it is always at the WRONG time. It's much like when you kid decides to reveal something truly embarrassing about you in public. My suggestion...bring back those snazzy lapel handkerchiefs. They not only look great but it sounds like you could actually whip them out all dramatic like and use them. ;)

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  4. warm tropical water trapped in your sinus with God Knows what kind of parasites,you might end up with brain eating worms!! is the water at least salty?

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  5. what about wearing a nose plug while in water?

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  6. I have the blowing air out of my eye thing, only it's my left eye. It just means that when you blow your nose you should close that eye. Mine has always been like that, though no one has ever unfriended me, I've probably made friends due to it (you must be selective as to who you show this to. It's not for everyone, just for awesome people).

    As for the water in your sinus, perhaps just a nose plug will fix that problem? Lord only knows what is living in that water.

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  7. If I was not happily married I would loose a bunch of weight, hunt you down, and force you to marry me, you are just to adorable, and if you ever need any FB friends you can always friend me ( I do misspell a lot of things, but i rarely share the Jesus pic mainly because I dod not think he cares.)

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  8. The water thing happens to me too, but it started after I got nose surgery to fix my septum and clear my sinuses...but mine usually comes dripping not gushing when I bend over to lift or close the toilet seat. Something about that exact angle...don't die Eli, I'll miss you

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  9. Ask Yahoo.......seriously.

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  10. You should go to a germaphobe support group after going swimming.

    I'm also pretty sure with these two combined talents you could learn how to squirt water out of your eye.

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  11. I live in Hawaii, and the water gushing problem happens to everyone who has any fun in the ocean. No big deal, and it's not harmful, you'll just have really clean sinus cavities. Some MD's here actually recommend going to the beach and flushing out the sinuses when their patients have colds or congestion. Awkward at work, though, for sure. It's just like Nature's Neti pot.

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  12. Dude! PLINKO was definitely my fave thing about the Price Is Right, second of course to Bob Barker. What.a.stud!

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  13. I once sent my little brother on his mission lots of tampons just for fun. He ended up using some whenever he got a bloody nose. So you could try using super absorbent tampons instead of a face diaper; it's less embarrassing. And tell people that your nose is on its period and to treat you nicely because of the hormones. Or maybe see a doctor. I'm sorry about your problem. I'll go eat some cheesecake in your behalf.
    Take care :)

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  14. I've got the eye thing too!! It used to freak my mom out... like I had a little whale fluke in my eye. :)

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  15. During triathlon training, my sinuses drain whenever they feel like it, and usually when I lean over to look at something someone is showing me (and something they care about). Nothing like a chlorine-scented sinus baptism on your prized possession.

    But... beware that Harry Potter dive game... there's something evil out there in warm waters called Naegleria Fowleri, and despite what they showed on an epsiode of House, you don't usually recover from it (not that TV is ever wrong!).

    But it can be prevented by wearing noseplugs... which would solve the sinus drainage problem as well as increase the probability of demonstrating said eye-socket windbreaking during Harry Potter dive game. Rock on, Eli.

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  16. Ever since you said you can blow air out of your eye, I have been trying. And failing. And trying again. I think I'm going to go eat some ice cream.

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  17. Holy cow! Could be a birth defect.....two birth defects! Nose plugs sound like a good idea! Xoxo

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  18. My cousin can blow air out of his eye too! But he has made it like a show at our family reunions. He puts a straw up to his eye and then blows bubbles in water, so disturbing but COOL!!!

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  19. I hate when I have the AC on in my car and my eye breathing fogs up my sunglasses! So annoying, I feel your pain.

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  20. I can't get air to shoot out of my eyeball on demand...but when I've had a stuffy nose for more than a week sometimes snot shoots out of my eyeball when I blow my nose hard.

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