An update on yesterday's don't eat that story: my friend Brian informed me after reading the post that he too tried to eat the "cookie" when he and his wife Hillary were at the coffee shop the other day. Fortunately for him it fell apart in his hand before he put it into his mouth. But he verified that it was coffee grounds, which were set out for decoration. After his attempt to taste it, Hillary reportedly asked, "who are you? What kind of a person eats stuff that's sitting on a table to find out what it is?!" And then, pointing to a baby nearby, "not even that baby is trying to eat it!"
I'm that kind of person, Hillary. I am.
In other news, I have a serious problem following plots of movies. For this reason, I am the worst person EVER to watch movies with. Daniel has basically forbidden me from talking during movies and I try to respect that because he wears a size 17 shoe and that intimidates me. But the other day we tried to watch the latest Star Trek movie (my first ever exposure to Star Trek). And the following conversation happened.
A Conversation Between Eli and Daniel About Star Trek and Harry Potter and Other Things
Eli: Hmmm . . . hmmm . . . sigh . . . oh dear . . .
Eli: Huh? Oh, nothing. I don't want to bother you.
[Daniel pauses the movie, looks at me]
Eli: Oh. It's just that I don't understand what's going on. But it's ok. I'll be fine.
Daniel: What don't you understand specifically?
Eli: All of it. I don't understand all of it. Like why is the guy with the bad haircut always mad?
Daniel: Spock? He's not mad. He comes from a planet of people that don't feel emotion.
Eli: There are people from another planet in this?
Daniel: Areyoukiddingme?! We are ONE FULL HOUR into this movie. HOW do you not know that already?
Eli: Well maybe if you took the time to explain it to me instead of just selfishly sitting there hogging all the understanding for yourself!
Daniel: Ok. [Breathes deeply] How can I help you understand?
Eli: Well I'm trying to draw analogies for all of these characters to characters I'm more familiar with. So maybe you could just verify my accuracy.
Daniel: I know I'm going to hate every second of this. But, ok.
Eli: SO! Harry Potter has been a little sad but Hagrid came and told him about the magic school thing so he went and met Ron and Hermione but Voldemort is trying to kill him even though Voldemort is Harry's father. Oh, and they get to the school by walking through a wall at the train station. Anyway Ron and Hermione totally have a crush on each other but they never say anything. Meanwhile, Malfoy is involved--
Daniel: Stop. For the love of all that is holy, stop. First of all, which Star Trek character is Harry Potter supposed to represent in your analogy?
Eli: You tell me. YOU'RE the one who "understands" this movie.
Daniel: You just explained the plot of Harry Potter and didn't even compare it to Star Trek. I'm supposed to draw the analogy for you?
Eli: Yeah. Because I don't understand what's happening in this movie. But I understand what happens in Harry Potter--
Daniel: Hardly! You didn't even give an accurate account of the plot of Harry Potter!
Eli: How so?
Daniel: Well most importantly, Voldemort is NOT Harry Potter's father.
Eli: . . . ooooooooohhhhhhh. Ok. That makes a lot more sense. So why did they make him his father in the movies?
Daniel: They didn't.
Eli: Um . . . ok Daniel. What about the part where Voldemort cuts off Harry's hand and he's all "Harry. I am your faaaaaaaather."
Daniel: That's Star Wars. Not Harry Potter. You're thinking of Star Wars.
Eli: I'm thinking of this movie? So I've already seen this?
Daniel: No. I said you're thinking of Star Wars. This is Star Trek.
Eli: Same thing.
Daniel: No. No. Totally different thing. Star Trek, Star Wars, and Harry Potter are all completely different things.
Eli: Yeah, but with the exact same characters and plot lines.
Daniel: NO!!! You are a full grown educated man! HOW can you be this bad at following plots in movies?!
Eli: Maybe I have a disability. One that you're being really insensitive about, by the way.
Daniel: You are not handicapped.
Eli: That's right! I'm not handicapped, Daniel! I'm handi-capable and--
Daniel: You're neither. You're just you. And you don't understand plots in movies because you aren't paying attention or trying hard enough.
Eli: WELL I'VE NEVER! I can pay attention! I'll show you "trying hard enough!"
[Daniel hits play, 2 minutes pass]
Eli: Hey! Why did Captain Kirk have to change his clothes!?
[Daniel turns up the volume]
Eli: Because he had a spock on his shirt!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! GET IT?!?! SPOCK!!!!
Daniel: How have you made this far in life without getting yourself killed?
~It Just Gets Stranger