Monday, February 18, 2013

A Conversation About Star Trek

One of you got "twice up the barrel, once down the side" added to Urban dictionary. Strangers. I love you. One day we're going to take over the world. First thing we'll do: slaughter all the snakes.

An update on yesterday's don't eat that story: my friend Brian informed me after reading the post that he too tried to eat the "cookie" when he and his wife Hillary were at the coffee shop the other day. Fortunately for him it fell apart in his hand before he put it into his mouth. But he verified that it was coffee grounds, which were set out for decoration. After his attempt to taste it, Hillary reportedly asked, "who are you? What kind of a person eats stuff that's sitting on a table to find out what it is?!" And then, pointing to a baby nearby, "not even that baby is trying to eat it!"

I'm that kind of person, Hillary. I am.

In other news, I have a serious problem following plots of movies. For this reason, I am the worst person EVER to watch movies with. Daniel has basically forbidden me from talking during movies and I try to respect that because he wears a size 17 shoe and that intimidates me. But the other day we tried to watch the latest Star Trek movie (my first ever exposure to Star Trek). And the following conversation happened.

A Conversation Between Eli and Daniel About Star Trek and Harry Potter and Other Things

Eli: Hmmm . . . hmmm . . . sigh . . . oh dear . . .

Daniel: WHAT.

Eli: Huh? Oh, nothing. I don't want to bother you.

[Daniel pauses the movie, looks at me]

Daniel: WHAT.

Eli: Oh. It's just that I don't understand what's going on. But it's ok. I'll be fine.

Daniel: What don't you understand specifically?

Eli: All of it. I don't understand all of it. Like why is the guy with the bad haircut always mad?

Daniel: Spock? He's not mad. He comes from a planet of people that don't feel emotion.

Eli: There are people from another planet in this?

Daniel: Areyoukiddingme?! We are ONE FULL HOUR into this movie. HOW do you not know that already?

Eli: Well maybe if you took the time to explain it to me instead of just selfishly sitting there hogging all the understanding for yourself!

Daniel: Ok. [Breathes deeply] How can I help you understand?

Eli: Well I'm trying to draw analogies for all of these characters to characters I'm more familiar with. So maybe you could just verify my accuracy.

Daniel: I know I'm going to hate every second of this. But, ok.

Eli: SO! Harry Potter has been a little sad but Hagrid came and told him about the magic school thing so he went and met Ron and Hermione but Voldemort is trying to kill him even though Voldemort is Harry's father. Oh, and they get to the school by walking through a wall at the train station. Anyway Ron and Hermione totally have a crush on each other but they never say anything. Meanwhile, Malfoy is involved--

Daniel: Stop. For the love of all that is holy, stop. First of all, which Star Trek character is Harry Potter supposed to represent in your analogy?

Eli: You tell me. YOU'RE the one who "understands" this movie.

Daniel: You just explained the plot of Harry Potter and didn't even compare it to Star Trek. I'm supposed to draw the analogy for you?

Eli: Yeah. Because I don't understand what's happening in this movie. But I understand what happens in Harry Potter--

Daniel: Hardly! You didn't even give an accurate account of the plot of Harry Potter!

Eli: How so?

Daniel: Well most importantly, Voldemort is NOT Harry Potter's father.

Eli: . . . ooooooooohhhhhhh. Ok. That makes a lot more sense. So why did they make him his father in the movies?

Daniel: They didn't.

Eli: Um . . . ok Daniel. What about the part where Voldemort cuts off Harry's hand and he's all "Harry. I am your faaaaaaaather."

Daniel: That's Star Wars. Not Harry Potter. You're thinking of Star Wars.

Eli: I'm thinking of this movie? So I've already seen this?

Daniel: No. I said you're thinking of Star Wars. This is Star Trek.

Eli: Same thing.

Daniel: No. No. Totally different thing. Star Trek, Star Wars, and Harry Potter are all completely different things.

Eli: Yeah, but with the exact same characters and plot lines.

Daniel: NO!!! You are a full grown educated man! HOW can you be this bad at following plots in movies?!

Eli: Maybe I have a disability. One that you're being really insensitive about, by the way.

Daniel: You are not handicapped.

Eli: That's right! I'm not handicapped, Daniel! I'm handi-capable and--

Daniel: You're neither. You're just you. And you don't understand plots in movies because you aren't paying attention or trying hard enough.

Eli: WELL I'VE NEVER! I can pay attention! I'll show you "trying hard enough!"

Daniel: Good.

[Daniel hits play, 2 minutes pass]

Eli: Hey! Why did Captain Kirk have to change his clothes!?

[Daniel turns up the volume]

Eli: Because he had a spock on his shirt!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! GET IT?!?! SPOCK!!!!

Daniel: How have you made this far in life without getting yourself killed?

~It Just Gets Stranger

52 comments:

  1. FIRST COMMENT! (Assuming I can get the captchka thing right... I promise I'm not a robit)

    Growing up in a Trekkie household, I am a tad appalled that you are this ignorant of cult culture. However, in light of the ways I am indebted to you (mostly for cheering up), I will let that go.

    But, seriously, I'm totally siding with Daniel on this one.

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    1. You say you're not a robot, but you can't even spell 'robot.' Suspicious... I'll freely admit I'm a cyborg. Sadly, no one believes me...

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    2. But robots have automatic spell check. I have a stupid iPad keyboard that SHOULD autocorrect, but fails at that, miserably, and so I try to leave comments at work, but then I misspell things and here we are.

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  2. maybe you need to exercise your movie plot skills by watching stuff with no plot or a very simple plot, then working your way up. I know start with Dora the explorer she tells you the plot right off the bat, she even sings about it so you will forever remember. Then work up to something else maybe a CSI type of show again the plot is spelled out right there for you at the beginning, someone died we need to find their killer. after that you can move on to a movie like road trip, again pretty simple plot to follow, and then progressively get harder and harder. Daniel is a king among men, not afraid of snakes, does not eat coffee grounds, and can put up with you when you get bored lol that man deserves an award :)

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    1. I second the Dora the Explorer idea!

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  3. Daniel deserves a medal for dealing with you. And for continuing to watch movies with you. :/

    I grew up in one of the most deeply-immersed geek culture households ever. I know well the difference between Trek and Wars, not to mention Gate (Star Gate).

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  4. Well I for one think your Spock joke is funny and I laughed out loud. Which always makes my cat Mudgie show up wanting attention.

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    1. I chuckled and guffawed at several points in my reading, but the Spock joke, made me sit up and laugh! Very clever!

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  5. I feel for you, Eli. I am not allowed to be in the room when my children watch Lord of the Rings because I "ask stupid questions" and "can't follow a basic plot line" (so they say). I also got in trouble when we went to the cinema to watch The Hobbit because at one point I asked "Are these goblins or trolls?" and my nine year old sighed heavily and said "These are ogres". And it has only been with repeated Harry Potter viewings AND reading the books (out loud, three times all the way through as I have a lot of children of different ages) that I really finally learned all the details of the plot.

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    1. I think you meant Orcs. There aren't any ogres in Middle Earth. :D

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    2. I can't even stay awake for Lord of the Rings... and I do like it but darn it, it's so long!

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    3. I think the moral of the story here is never watch anything series of movies or tv shows that you are unfamiliar with, while in the presence of a fan of that series/show. I couldn't watch LOTR, Harry Potter, or comic book based movies with my ex-husband because he would yell at the movie screen when things deviated from the original story lines.

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    4. Sarah Wise..... Yes. Ogres AND Orcs.
      The Ogres captured the dwarves and Bilbo and tried to cook them up in the movie........

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    5. I thought those were trolls that tried to eat them. In fact, I'm pretty sure they are.

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    6. I can only begin to express how happy these comments have made me! Clearly I am not alone in my Ogre/Orc/Troll/Goblin confusion!

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    7. I know this is over two years old now, and I know none of you will be notified that someone responded, but as a LotR and Hobbit fan, I am compelled to respond.

      Middle Earth has no ogres. Trolls are what capture the dwarves and Bilbo. Orcs and goblins are the same thing. In the book "The Hobbit" they are referred to as goblins (The Hobbit was written for a younger audience). Orcs is the name they are referred to in The Lord of the Rings, and other works by Tolkien. In the movie, Peter Jackson seems to try to differentiate between Orcs and Goblins by having Orcs be a bit larger and more intelligent than Goblins.

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  6. You definitely make things interesting, however if you interrupted my movie viewing experience (especially Trek) I would want to Vulcan nerve pinch you!

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    1. That's a little extreme. Maybe just set your phaser to stun.

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  7. Baby Einstein has literally no plot. Or speaking. Maybe you should start there?

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  8. I had the worst day yesterday....it was so twice up the barrel and once down the side....and this morning looked just as bad. Then I read your story. Thank you Eli for brightening my day with your antics :D

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  9. Since I talk through all movies; not because I don't understand them but because they're better if you make fun of them, you can watch with me and talk all you want. My kids will be thrilled that they're off the hook.

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  10. I would really like to see a picture of these "coffee-house 'cookies'". I have never seen any such thing....

    On another note, my husband cannot follow a simple plot either. It must truly be a disability. When something funny happens, I will cry from laughing so hard, and he just says, "What? What just happened?". Or I express surprise, and he says, "What? What just happened?". No matter what happens, he doesn't get it.....I always assumed he was just sleeping and counting on me to tell him the story later, but no I think it may truly be a handicap. Thanks for saving my marriage, Eli.

    P.S.: Don't forget to send a picture of the "cookie". :-)

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    1. Sounds exactly like my husband!!

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  11. Buahahaha! This is why I love you :) Twice up the barrel and once down the side!

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  12. You get it from your mother. I cannot understand movie plots either unless it is something like Hope Floats or You've Got Mail or Pearl Habor even give me Gone With the Wind - now those movies I can understand. Star Whatever and Lord of Whatever and Hunger Whatever and etc. etc. etc. leave me clueless. Xoxoxoxoxo

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  13. First of all, Star Wars and Star Trek ARE the same thing, no matter what Daniel says. Secondly, every time you mention the sea snake, I picture the Loch Ness monster in my head, which basically means I'm never going in the ocean ever again. And lastly, if Daniel can't sing every part of every Disney song ever written, his opinion on movies is invalid.

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    1. *GASP* HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

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    2. Yeah, I get that same reaction from my husband when I say that Lord of the Rings is sooooo boring.

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  14. Just a heads-up, I will oppose your worldwide regime. I happen to like snakes.

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  15. You should watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K).. I think it would be perfect for you.

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  16. Too bad it's not a very good urban dictionary entry. It makes the saying seem like a substitute for QED when it's really a substitute for pedantry, but that's just so twice up the barrel and once down the side anyway.

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  17. Who uses coffee grounds as decoration? I drink coffee and I don't sprinkle the grounds around my house like it's potpurri. I think your confusion was totally justified.

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    1. Yeah that was my first reaction. I've been in a lot of coffee shops and hung out in the homes of coffee drinkers but i have never seen cakes of used coffee grinds set out as decoration. Seen grings used as fertilizer and air freshener, but never decorations.

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  18. Being a sci-fi fan, I can't help myself from saying that Spock DOES feel emotions. It is the culture of the people from his planet to learn to suppress their emotions so they are more able to use logic to deal with life. Pft, silly Daniel. He should know better.

    Kirk would be like Harry Potter in this scenario. His dad died to save everyone on the ship (the kind in space, not on the ocean) and a Starfleet captain comes to tell Kirk that he should go to Starfleet Academy (not unlike Hogwarts) to learn to be a captain too. I guess he could be like Hagrid in this instance. Captains are powerful like wizards but they have no wands. They give the orders on the spaceships as they travel through space learning about life on other planets. After that the analogy gets confusing. Happy to answer questions Daniel is too mean to answer about that movie. Least I could do for all the entertainment I get from your blog.

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    1. Thank you. NOW I can attempt to watch Star Trek again :)

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    2. I hope the attempt goes well for you!

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  19. Wait...Star Trek and Star Wars are not the same movie?! I have seen neither (gasp!) and I intend to keep it that way.
    Thank you for the mid-day entertainment today! :)

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  20. I am totally with you on this one. However, I do react like Daniel in other situations.

    Hey, when we conquer the world, we should buy a king size bed for Sergei. And exterminate every single rat.

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  21. "Because he had a spock on his shirt" bawahahahahaha! My 6 and 4 year old thought I was dying because I was crying so hard with laughter!

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  22. So I was reading this, chuckled a couple times and then once it got to "harry I am your fathaaaaaarrrr" I cackled. I'm with a group of friends at school. What ever was said between then while I was in the stranger world obviously should not have been laughed at.

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  23. I love it when someone asks me what's going on in a movie or a TV show and I answer and then someone else says, "That's not it AT ALL."

    I have some paying-attention issues, too.

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  24. Is this accurate, Eli? I mean...you've got a law degree...right? I mean...you took the LSAT, got accepted into an accredited university, and passed the Bar somewhere. Right? Do you follow the plots in books any better than you do in movies? Or do you prefer to read, like, law books and stuff like that? I'm judging you less than it may seem, but I'm just trying to understand...

    Having said that: I started watching Star Wars sometime over the Thanksgiving weekend with 2 of my 4 brothers (the original Star Wars, by the way...A New Hope, I want to say?) Anyway, I've seen all 6 movies exactly one time each, and it was decided (by my brothers) that I need to watch them all again. My brothers had to pause the movie about 15 different times so they could answer my questions; and they were happy to answer my questions until I made the mistake of calling them "nerds." (Oopsie?) We made it about halfway through the movie, and I'm still hopelessly lost. It's not that I don't want to understand, though, Eli. There's just a helluva lot going on there, you know? My friend Mark has taken it upon himself to watch all 6 movies with me. He even promised to not get upset that I'll be asking him a million questions. (And I may or may not have promised not to use the word "nerd" against him...)

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  25. Holy smokes I was busting a gut the whole time I was reading this! This is the funniest thing I have read in a very looooong time!!!
    thanks for making my day Eli and Daniel!!

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  26. Eli, just so you know, there's this really cool website called IMDB. If you're ever lost, just look up a movie and there should be a plot summary and a movie synopsis. Don't ask Daniel, who is probably enjoying the movie. And don't ask me. I tend to throw things at and/or hit people who talk during movies.

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  27. Whenever my wife watches Star Trek with me she has cool comments like "Wow, that's AMAZING the door opens automatically in that futuristic spaceship. . . just like the door does at the grocery store!" Of course when I watch movies with her I always talk and and ask questions because I don't get it.

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  28. Well does that mean "Star Gate" (or something like that) is different too? Or does it go along with... the other ones?

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  29. I had some friends who tried to make me watch the lord of the rings series with them for months. I finally gave in and then soon found that every character was exactly like Harry Potter! After I shared my findings and gave my reasons to back it up they turned off the movie and refuse to let me finish it now. We should probably watch movies together, they would make prefect sense that way :)

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  30. I can honestly say I have never been a bigger fan of another person than I am of you.

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  31. Eli, your confusion over movies is okay, but I just have to say- Your Spock joke made me laugh maniacally! He just so happens to be my favorite, so it's even better! I think I'm going to be using that on my friends, if you don't mind!
    And also... Star Wars and Star Trek are FAR from the same.
    The major difference being that most of the aliens in Star WARS are cooler, and they have Darth Vader, Han Solo, and Obi Wann Canobi.
    Get it right, *Eli*..
    Twice up the barrel, once down the side, *Eli*...

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  32. Eli, I think there is a high probablility that we are soul mates. Do you like to cuddle?

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