Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Cathie's Number One Valentine

A package came in the mail the other day. Guys, the best thing in the entire world? Getting a package. No wait. The best thing in the entire world is actually when you get on Hulu to watch the latest episode of your favorite show and you find out that you somehow missed a week and there are TWO new episodes and ohmygosh this is why I'm alone again on Valentine's Day.

But the second best thing in the world? Getting a package. Especially when you're away from home.

This package was from Bob and Cathie. Although Bob clearly had little to do with it. Unless he too has started using bright smiley-face stickers and writing in gigantic squiggly handwriting things like, "you are momma's star!" and "XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO [repeated for an entire page]."

It was a Valentine's Day package. And Cathie came through. She came through with notes that say things like, "you are your mother's number one Valentine!" and "it's ok that you don't have anyone this Valentine's Day because you always have your mommy!"

I've never known another person who can make someone feel more depressed by being supportive.

And by the way, Cathie. You think you're going to fool me with that "number one Valentine" talk? My siblings and I share information with each other. I know you told Krishelle the same thing. One of these days you're going to have to choose, once and for all, which of your children is actually your number one Valentine. We've been letting you get away with this two-faced behavior for a number of years now. We demand you make a decision already and stop playing us.

Twice up the barrel, once down the side, Cathie.

But in any event, you're a pretty awesome mom. Bob, you're a pretty awesome dad, too. Even if you aren't contributing to the smiley face stickers and XOXOXOs.

And for all of you out there who don't have a Cathie in your life to fill the void of pathetic romantic-aloneness, I decided to pay it forward by being here for you today.

You are my number one Valentine. You beat out the Queen of Colors, The First Eye, Lohan the parasite, Larry the Wetsuit, Paul Cyclemon, and the Stormtrooper.

I care about you so much that I had a group create this music video for you in the '80s.

Go look in your refrigerator. That thing in there that you like? I snuck that in when you weren't looking.

The newspaper you got on your doorstep today, I delivered that. (If you didn't get a newspaper on your doorstep today it's because your neighbor who secretly loves you heard that you're my Valentine this year, got jealous that someone else is giving you attention, and stole it).

I asked your local grocery store to have some Ben & Jerry's ice cream waiting for you in the freezers. I wasn't sure which flavor was your favorite so I had them put out a bunch of options. When you get there, ask for the store manager and say to him or her "I understand you have some Ben & Jerry's ice cream here. I came to collect." They'll know what you mean.

I also arranged for your favorite radio station to play some Valentine's-Day-appropriate songs today. Just. For. You.

I'm thinking about you right now.

I'm writing this for you right now.

I'm watching you right now. And by the way, that shirt looks great on you. I like the darker one better, but you pull this one off really well.

You're not really alone on Valentine's Day, because you have Stranger. And Stranger would never let you feel alone on Valentine's Day.

That's why I'm also going to provide something special for you: a generically worded message that you can copy and print onto a card to leave out so your coworkers and family think that you have a significant other:

Hey babycakes,


You are my whole world. I love you like cats love tuna. You better be able to free your whole schedule up for tonight because I have so many big plans for you.

Love


Pat

There. Now go home an eat ice cream by yourself.

~It Just Gets Stranger

30 comments:

  1. Oh Eli,
    You are the absolute sweetest Valentine EVER!! Such a romantic, your mom would be proud!
    HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
    Seriously, how is it you're still single?<3

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    Replies
    1. I just watched the music video you had made for me. Pure. Genius.

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  2. I got all happy and almost believed everything you wrote and was ready to come to Palau and feed you grapes, until you said that shirt looked great on me.
    I wasn't wearing a shirt. :/
    Anyway. Happy Valentine's Day.

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    Replies
    1. I'm in a dress, I feel your pain.

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    2. I know Eli very well and I am pretty sure he meant "blouse" but...guys do not usually know the word "blouse". They think it is a shirt!

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  3. Words can not describe how this post makes me feel. I loved it so much I shared it with the world of facebookers to inspire them with your words. Gosh this is great. Happy v day

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  4. Thanks for mentioning Lohan! Pity he didn't get to be your Valentine; must be because he isn't doing his job well enough.

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  5. I have a Valentine's Day companion suggestion for you ;)

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  6. That is still my favorite music video ever!

    Also, mom totally did tell me that I'm her number one valentine. I think she also mentioned something about me being her pride and joy and the best looking as well, but we won't talk about that!

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  7. The video was awesome!!! Thanks for posting it. Hahahahahaha!

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  8. Oh Eli....YOU are MY #1 Valentine! Next to your Father of course! Happy Valentine's Day Fuzz Rubey! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

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  9. Eli, you have absolutely made my Valentine's Day! How can I best express my love and appreciation to Stranger? With a poem recited by the Queen of Colors? A sonnet sung by by a kitten choir? A dozen roses and chocolates delivered by the First Eye wearing a tux? Sadly, I cannot pull through with any of these. Instead, I'll send you virtual winks, hugs, kisses, chocolates, roses, and Ben and Jerry's straight your way ;) Happy Valentine's Day, Eli! I hope you have a good one:)

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  10. This day. THIS DAY! I'm determined to enjoy it, and not just survive it (by calling it "just another Thursday," although I've already done just that). Your thoughtfulness has helped. Thank you, Eli.

    PS Thank you for reminding me about that "I Want to Love You Tender" music video on YouTube! I had completely forgotten about it (blocked it from memory?) until I heard the opening note. There's so much to love/hate about this video! And, as a single gal, maybe that's all I need this Valentine's Day: a ridiculous music video to love/hate. Yep. Thanks, Stranger!

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  11. Wow I may be high on pain meds right now but I'm fairly sure that video was six kinds of not awesome. Screw it I'm going back to bed and sleeping through VD

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  12. Yes, Eli! Having two Hulu episodes is totally the best! I'm glad I'm not the only one!! Which is why I'm still single too, probably...
    My (married) sister sent me and my other single sister a package complete with heart cards and chocolate... It was so adorable!

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  13. I'm confused that you like the darker shirt better...i'm wearing a black shirt.

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  14. I'm going to start using that saying. It's fantastic. Happy February 14th! Eat chocolate and watch Hulu you beautiful man, you.

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  15. Packages are the savior of living in a far away place where you have access to almost nothing western. Packages are better than Christmas. Unless it's a package for Christmas and then it's the holy grail.

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  16. In desperate need for ice creammmmm!!!!

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  17. I don't have a darker shirt!!!! Liar!!!

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  18. The whole hulu thing really is the best ever, its sorta what I did with my valentines day ! I am glad that there are other people out there like ... may we all be valentines-less together :D

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    Replies
    1. My husband and I also watched shows on hulu for Valentine's, it's better than fighting crowds to go out somewhere.

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  19. 1. There is nothing yummy in my refrigerator.

    2. There was no newspaper in my driveway, so apparently my 80 year old Hispanic neighbor has a crush on me? I had no idea she felt that way.

    3. You totally got my Ben and Jerry's flavor wrong.



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  20. you can also pull up that music video if you search for "Worst Music Video EVER". ;-) Eli, I love you too. In a totally romantic, I'd lovingly tap that kind of way, too. ;-)

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  21. I'm a little late in commenting but I am so glad you posted that video, I had seen it a long time ago but forgot about it so thank you for bringing that awesomeness back into my life! But dude, the store managers where I live don't even know what Ben & Jerry's is so you totally failed me there!

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  22. "Twice up the barrel, once down the side..." I thought this was hilarious when you coined it for Daniel, but after reading it again in this post I laughed so hard I burst into tears, I love reading your blogs!

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  23. I can't even...just...sigh. <3

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  24. I'm reading this after Valentine's Day, but I still appreciate it. I decide to pass on the Ben & Jerry's ice cream, though...you know what they say, twice up the barrel, once down the side ;)

    Love,
    Me

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  25. Hi I'm Heather! Please email me when you get a chance, I have a question about your blog! LifesABanquet1(at)gmail.com

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