Sunday, February 24, 2013

Dear Vague Facebook Status Poster

Dear Vague Facebook Status Poster,

I'm writing to you today because you keep leaving vague status updates on Facebook. I can only imagine you are doing it so others will ask you for details. Details that you never seem to give, even when asked.

I need you to stop. I need you to stop for you. For me. For everyone.

Have you ever heard of the term "cry for help?" That's what you're doing. You're crying for help. And you're doing it in a way that has been identified and mocked time and time again.

I need to make something clear, because it might not be clear to you. A "cry for help" is not a positive thing. I mean, it does bring some attention, but I'm guessing you prefer the kind of attention where people think good things about you. If that's the case, the cry for help isn't taking you anywhere you want to go.

When you leave a status update that says, "I never thought I would be this angry!" you imagine that people are audibly responding at home, "GASP! What could possibly be going on!" You hope they will comment on the post "what happened girl?!" which will only prompt you to leave more vague comments in response, like, "oh, certain people. I'm so frustrated."

I'm on to you. I know your moves.

And I want you to imagine having that conversation in real life. I want you to imagine every one of your Facebook interactions directly translated into face-to-face conversations.

You run into Jenny at the mall. You say to her, "The best day ever!"

Jenny responds, "Super! What's happening girlfriend?"

You give her a smiley face. On your face. Which means, you just smile. And maybe wink a little.

Jenny smiles back and says, "You totes deserve it!"

And then you walk away.

Lacking? Yes.

But what's more, that same conversation on Facebook isn't just with Jenny. It's broadcast to Jenny, and your mom, and Tom, and Alex, and hundreds and maybe thousands of other people, all at exactly the same time.

And yeah, maybe Jenny thinks you totes deserve that best day ever. But the other 743 people who see your similarly vague status updates multiple times a day are all doing a cost/benefit analysis about dropping you as a friend on Facebook. Most of them compromise with simply removing you from their feed, which you won't have any way of knowing about. This results in way less attention than you would have gotten without leaving the vague status update in the first place.

I'm here, writing you this letter, your own PSA, to tell you that this is not what you really want. This behavior makes you look unstable. And not the cutsie let's hang out with that person because she takes adorbs pictures of herself wearing a vintage outfit that matches the food she's eating while sitting in a fountain in a major city kind of unstable, which I think is what you're going for. It's more like the she draws on her jeans kind of unstable. Which is a type nobody should be going for.

Don't feel too bad. I actually like you. That's why I added you on Facebook in the first place. Or maybe I accepted your request. Who can remember?

I want to know why it's the best day ever. Or why you are so angry. Or why you left the club crying. Or why you're so done with everything. When you leave these vague status updates, all you're saying to me is, "I have news that is extreme and that you would want to know but I'm not going to tell you what it is."

I tried to have a vague-off with you recently to see if you would get frustrated enough to see the error of your ways. You won. Which means everyone lost.

Your Status Update: I just don't even know why I try anymore. :(

My comment: Yeah girl! They just won't listen to me. :(

Your comment: Can't bother with it. That's all.

My comment: I think I'm finally just going to do it once and for all!

Your comment: Me too. We'll see if it works . . .

First of all, I hope I didn't just talk you into killing someone. Or doing something worse, like watching Glee. But second, what the crap were you talking about? And why wouldn't you ask me what the crap I was talking about?

A new rule to consider: If you don't want people to know the details about something that happened to you, don't mention the emotion or the conclusion that the details prompted in the first place.

I don't know if this is a problem you can fix. Maybe it isn't. But it's been going on for years and I felt like it was finally time to say something.

And until you do fix this, I'm going to assume you meant to add the following words to the end of every vague status update you post: "and that's why I keep wetting the bed."

For example:

"I should have known better . . . and that's why I keep wetting the bed."

"You burned me once. Never again. And that's why I keep wetting the bed."

"What's the point in trying when nobody appreciates my work? That's why I keep wetting the bed."

I will then leave you comments about techniques to help you deal with the problem. Like, "K-mart has plastic sheet covers on sale for $9.99. Good luck!"

Please change.

Sincerely,

A Friend Who Just Wants To Help

P.S. I do like the passive-aggressive status updates so keep those ones up, if you don't mind.

~It Just Gets Stranger

Please like us on FACEBOOK.

100 comments:

  1. Bahahahaha! I am SO posting this on Facebook. With a note that VAGUELY alludes to the people in my newsfeed I have hidden because they are vague posters that drive me nuts.

    Geez. Between them and the "baby-daddy is such a jerk!" posters, I am starting to wonder who is going to be left in my newsfeed...

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    Replies
    1. Also, I am going to link back to this on EVERY vague status post I can find until I forget about it. So, like two days. Max...

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  2. Vague status posters should definitely be on the list of worst things ever, because they so are.

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  3. This is going on Facebook. Today.

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  4. Well, you know what they say.....twice up the barrel and once down the side.

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    Replies
    1. THAT is hilarious!!

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    2. I am new round these parts...what does "twice up the barrel and once down the side" mean?
      Help me! :)

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    3. In a few words, "Twice up the barrel, once down the side." (glad I could help ;))

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    4. Vague. Could be taken with the same ending....

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  5. You know, sometimes there's just things and stuff and more things and then you want to talk about it except, judgment. So maybe you need to try to understand.

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    Replies
    1. I hear plastic sheet protectors are on sale at K-Mart for like $9.

      Good luck!

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    2. Thanks for giving us a perfect example! :)

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    3. How did you guys find out that I wet the bed? SEE? JUDGMENT!

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  6. I have the people that put on there "Got great news today, things are about to change for me. Wish me luck...but DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!"

    Really? Then why are you putting it out on Facebook for the world to see...Twice up the barrel and once down the side I guess. I will direct them to this post from now on!

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    Replies
    1. Exactly! If you can't talk about it, don't bring it up.

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  7. You are so dead on it isn't even funny....but it really is funny.....anyway. Yeah.

    So, I must say that I disagree about the passive aggressive status updates. That makes me want to hit someone upside the head with a cast iron skillet.

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  8. I just don't get it. . .

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  9. Love it. I know so many people that can use this

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  10. How can humanity be so cruel. . .

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry about your problem. My sister wet the bed until she was 7 but then one day stopped. Maybe there's hope for you too?

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  11. OH gosh..me too..so posting this...sharing this...I hate vague updates. Maybe I should try your approach!. LOL.

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  12. OH PS, you also need to write a post about all those picture feeds, you know the stuff they want to say, but can't say in real life, nor do they follow. haha..My newsfeed is always flooded with that stuff.

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    1. YES! The "some e-cards" are annoying enough, but the other stuff that drives me insane are the "share if you hate cancer/love jesus/hate farts" pictures. Because apparently I love cancer and farts and hate jesus. My lack of sharing activity makes this extremely clear.

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    2. Ugh! I hate the "share/like if.." pictures. But even worse are the overly dramatic quotes that seem to have been written by teenagers! Usually posted by a vague booker......

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    3. How about the ones with ultimatums? "I know my friends that have a heart will..."

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    4. Well, until someone can't show me the scriptural passage where Jesus says "And if ye love me, spam thy friends on facebook," I'm not going to pass them on. I'm just that heartless.

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    5. Dear Stranger Danger:

      I positively DESPISE the "song lyrics" as a status. Do they take the time to actually learn the song and type out the words? For example, here is what I saw on my newsfeed Monday:

      "I've been thinking about you, so how can you sleep. These people aren't your friends, they're paid to kiss your feet, but they don't know what I know, and why should you care when I'm not there <3"

      My first thought was that this girl was in serious need of some help....then I realized 86.2% of her posts are from songs. THe other 13.8% of her facebook activity consists of TBH (to be honest) or OW (one word) games in which teenagers describe each other to each other (yes, it is as STUPID as it sounds)! It would be really funny, though, to leave really complicated words that required the use of a dictionary to decipher....hmmmm....an idea perhaps? At least they could learn a little during the stupidness. Later Stranger!

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  13. Just shared on FB... thanks for the first laugh this morning! ~L

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  14. It's a hurting world and FB just makes it a more "inward" hurting world... I can only say if a blurt out vauge status helps some one feel a bit better and it's the only outlet they have because people just don't want to listen to their pain then I say blurt!... Umm we don't have to read them like you said we can remove them from our feed... yet I find myself praying for these who seem so secluded from human contact that is for "real"

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    Replies
    1. If more people felt the way you do, instead of how it seems so many others here feel, the world would be a lot less hurtful place.

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    2. I like your comment a LOT!! Its true for some people it cathartic to post cryptic messages. instead of judging why dont we appreciate that this person is going through something and a tool as trivial as facebook is making them feel better, hell its cheaper than therapy! I dont use facebook often but when I read these types of vague comments I do feel for the person. Don't get me wrong im a little curious but its just the nature of having a ridiculous amount of "friends" on facebook. You aren't close enough to them to ask and they aren't close enough to you to share.

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    3. Nope. If they want to do that, have them post the message to only a few people (not their entire friends list). Better yet, have them email the vague post to themselves. Cathartic and they don't annoy others in the process.

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  15. I still like your blogFebruary 25, 2013 at 8:31 AM

    You should write a post about the people that have to share on fb absolutely everything they do.
    Also, you may not do the whole vague status updates thing but you definitely use your blog to say and complain about many things that you don't have the guts to say in real life or to someone's face.

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    Replies
    1. Whoa there. Do you know Eli? Can you give us an example of something that you know he has said here that he wouldn't have the guts to say to someone in person? I know Eli quite well and I can definitely say he's one of the more gutsy people I know. That's a pretty nasty charge. Chris

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    2. Wow. Those are fighting words! I'll have you know, I don't say a single thing here that I wouldn't be willing to say to Bob and Cathie's faces! The Queen of Colors, maybe. But not Bob and Cathie.

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    3. I still like your blogFebruary 25, 2013 at 3:38 PM

      Eli, you're the best. I am not trying to fight. I don't think not having the guts to tell someone something is necessarily a bad thing so I wasn't accusing you. My best friend won't say a lot of things in person to avoid coming off rude and I find that very sweet about her.

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  16. The last two comments were clearly written by people who post vague status updates on Facebook.

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    Replies
    1. I was thinking the same thing!

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    2. I still like your blogFebruary 25, 2013 at 9:34 AM

      Dear Anonymous,
      I knew someone was going to say that. I probably update my fb status twice a year. I also get annoyed by the vague status updates. I just wanted to say what I think Eli does, even though I love his blog and his freckles!

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    3. Do you know him personally? I'm just curious how you know he doesn't have the guts to say these things in real life to people's faces?

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    4. Amy, he seems like the type of person that will not say something to someone just to not be/sound offensive. He even said it in previous posts and in his stand-up story telling. Everyone has a bit of that. But that doesn't mean that he still doesn't get frustrated or annoyed by certain things so this blog is a perfect way to express those thoughts or feelings without telling each person individually. Those that don't have a blog with thousands of readers will usually tell a friend or someone.

      Delete
  17. Between the vague-status-updaters, the whiners, and the inane updaters (i.e. Eating a burrito right now.) I've pretty much given up on facebook. Whatever happened to the pithy status updates?

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    Replies
    1. Wait...burrito? What kind?

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  18. My son uses Huggies Overnights. Works for him.

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  19. I feel your pain, except I am literally watching Glee as I'm writing this, well now I need to go be passive aggressive myself ;)

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  20. I love Glee, but other than that we're in complete agreeance. :)

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  21. I feel like this was a very passive aggressive post that needs to also be emailed to this person, because they' probably didn't pick up on the clue that it was to them.

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    Replies
    1. But everyone has 10+ friends who do this, so easier just to post the article, speak for everyone and then just allow us to post it. Will it be read by the offenders? Probably not. No one actually reads full paragraphs (GASP!) on Facebook.

      Delete
  22. Love this! I wanted to add that you should do a second installment for those people who need to update everything they have and will do all day.

    "Woke up, made breakfast, worked out, then went grocery shopping. Time to clean the house and make dinner!"

    Would be followed up nicely with "and then I wet the bed". Makes the mundane much more interesting, I think.

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  23. I don't get why people keep bagging Glee. It's proved to be the best tool in my arsenal to get the lounge room to myself so I can eat chocolate without having to share. I hope it runs forever!

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  24. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. Thank you! I've always thought this but been too lazy to type it out. Thank you, mind reader!

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  25. "She draws on her jeans"--awesome! I laughed so hard!

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  26. drawing on your jeans is a sign of being unstable? ... well that explains some former friends/current classmates

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    Replies
    1. The girl I knew that drew on her jeans in high school also regularly carved Ozzy on her arm with a razor and pealed the scabs to make a permanent scar...unstable seems to really fit...

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  27. Bwahahaha...hilarious as always Eli! :D

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  28. I am a recovering Facebook addict. Quit 2 years ago and still going strong. I don't miss a single thing about it, and those kinds of status updates were THE WORST!!

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    Replies
    1. Just curious -- if you're still going strong, how'd you manage to read this fb post? And reply to it???

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    2. Ha! This isnt a Facebook post. This is a blog that has a fb page as well. You can easily get here by typing itjustgetsstranger.com on the address bar, did you know that!?!?

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  29. I just book marked this post. I am going to reply to all vague status updates with this link. Then I will tell them about a sale on adult diapers. Thank you kind Sir!

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  30. Hiding friends from your facebook feed has got to be the best thing facebook has ever come up with. Now I can hide my friends (and/or family) who do the vague status updates (or the ones who just complain like crazy, or whatever), and they're none the wiser. Good job, facebook. You were really thinking when you added that feature!

    I've given up facebook for Lent, and a handful of my friends aren't dealing with it well. "Gina!" they say. "You're Mormon, not Catholic! Why give up anything for Lent?" Or, "Gina! Why would you do something so drastic without first discussing your decision with me! This affects both of us!" As if I up and moved to Palau without saying goodbye first, or something. It's facebook, people! And it's been a BEAUTIFUL couple of weeks without it so far!

    Although? I've heard (from said "friends") that I'm gonna have a helluva time catching up once Easter comes to pass. Because they are, I've heard, posting a bunch of crap to my timeline. Daily. Why would they do that, do you think? Maybe I need to look into finding new friends?

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    Replies
    1. So yeah - what's with the Mormon/Lent thing? We Catholics want to know! :)

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    2. Mormons like to rip off other religions' cool traditions whenever possible. It makes us feel more hip.

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  31. Hahahaha! Perfect. Is it a wrong thing that I have such a strong desire to make sure certain people read? Probably.

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  32. Well the link for this has been posted in a few facebook groups I'm in AND as my status update :)

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  33. Haha! That was funny! Thanks for make me smile :)

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  34. And then there are the status posts that are SO detailed and updated every minute or two. I often want to comment "Thank you SO much for updating me on the status of your car problems. I was SO worried about it and you hadn't updated me on it for at least five minutes."
    I'm honestly not sure which is worse. The vague ones or the unending detailed one.

    Love your blog. Keep 'em coming. I need laughs :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. Find the middle ground, people.

      Delete
  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  36. Bless you. Bless you and your perfect PSA.

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  37. Completely agree, but watch out... it may not appear to you as it does to me.

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  38. i actually found this insulting. if you're my friend on facebook, i assume you personaly know me, and know what kind of person i am, and there for i assume you know what kind of statuses i will post. don't like it? then delete me. hah

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  39. I wish you would write one about the use of periods. Why do I have to figure out on my own when. to. pause. between sentences? Really people on FB, use the period key!!

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  40. Personally, one of my pet peeves is people who write blogs slamming other people. Have a bit of insecurity, do you? Does it make you feel superior maybe? Maybe you just find it amusing and think other people will as well. I don't know, not for me to say. Just like it isn't for you to say why some people 'vague' post sometimes....... You are certainly allowed to not like it, even slam it, but to judge why they do it? You really haven't a clue........

    I'm amazed at the number of people on here jumping on their "friends" for whatever they do on FB that they find annoying. Do you hear yourselves? I mean, are these people you want in your life or not? If so, then deal with however they are, accept them for how they are - actually be their friend! If not, man up and un-friend them. The whole 'hide from news feed' thing? All you are doing is being fake, which quite frankly, I find that to be trait more reprehensible than 'vague' posting........ JMHO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah!!! I also heard that Eli only showers once a week!

      Delete
    2. LOL! I assume you've never managed to sit through a comedy routine of any sort without bursting into tears of frustration? Personally, I was dying of laughter. Its not as if its specifically directed towards one person, literally thousands of people annoy their facebook friends with vague updates every day, and the reason its annoying is because we know that they just want to get likes and comments and it makes them feel superior to not give details. Its freaking annoying. And NEWSFLASH, I don't have 234 close friends, half of them are random people from high school/college who added me. I'm not vindictive enough to delete them just because they annoy me every once in awhile. So I just hide them for a little bit ;)

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    3. Oh, can we not be such overdramatic bleeding hearts? This is how free speech/ free press works. You are free to say what you want. I am free to think what I want about what you say, and to broadcast it, as is Eli. You are in turn free to diss us for dissing you...but please, could you come up with a better reason than "people on here jumping on their 'friends'..."?

      I HAVE written status updates before about things I wasn't willing to post publicly. I shared the article on FB without hesitation, admitting that I HAVE done this and I am trying to do better (even if it's primarily by means of IMing the people I know "get" it and not telling the other 200 some anything...IM is my crack).

      This is obviously not a heavy political or religious or inspirational piece. It is humor with truth mixed in. You have to have a sense of humor about YOURSELF to be able to get it, I guess.

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    4. Mmmmm, I think you may have a different definition of "friend" than I do if you think hiding people from my news feed is "faking it." I hide people from my feed because I actually do like them a lot IRL, but they post so much stuff that I don't agree with/irritates me/I find completely unfunny that I start to lose sight of them as the person I like. It feels like you're suggesting that not faking it would be to come unglued on them when they post the 75th my-politics-are-better-than-yours comment. Instead, I'm going to take them out of my news feed and probably hassle them about it the next time I talk to them, where it's less likely to blow up and then flutter down as vague status updates.

      And I'm down with the occasional vague update. You know, "really could use some prayer right now, in a tough situation" or "had one of those painful moments today that I plan to never repeat :(". But every day? Every other update? I won't bother responding until I get to see the person face to face and can get the news without the posturing.

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  41. I leave vague updates as a marker for myself to remember what was going on in that moment. It's not always about about you.

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    Replies
    1. FB is not a personal diary. Try Twitter. Or Google+, where at least nobody is around for you to annoy.

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  42. Even more than this vague stuff, I HATE the photos people post of their food and drink items. First of all, who wants to see every damn thing you eat and drink every single day? Second, some of that stuff you eat looks like dog crap, so makes you look like a freak for posting it with the comment "Yum, can't wait to dig in."

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  43. One of my pet peeves is people who are constantly posting their religious/political/social beliefs and asking me to "like" if I think Soldiers are good people, or we shouldn't let frogs marry aardvarks. My mom told me that sex, religion and politics are subjects that should be approached cautiously. I really don't think my friends care what I think about the President.

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  44. I'll start to use that feature on Facebook timeline as soon as it comes up. www.hack-facebook-password.org , great post keep it up :) ;)

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  45. hi dude you maybe think be so f*uking smart or what some king or jesus IDC !! !!!

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  46. I love all of the defensive comments from people who you obviously struck a nerve with...and the comments are EXACTLY what you'd expect from a bunch of people who post vague statuses all the time. Coincidence? Clearly not!

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  47. Adding this as reference in my piece about vaguebooking. Very brilliant letter.

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  48. You will need to make fake email ID for facebook or for anyone if you want to tell anyone your personal email id then you will need to make fake email address using this
    anonymous email for facebook

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  49. Wow! People are free to post on their OWN Timeline all the vague posts, all the food and drink pictures, all the cute little puppies and kittens pictures, all the Ecards and all of the girls be like/guys be like posts till their hearts content. It's the posting on someone elses Timeline or tagging others, that I may have a issue with. I can't tell anyone what to post on their OWN page. I can hide them from my Timeline, if they get to be too much of a problem. Just keep it moving, people. Not that hard.

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  50. I also find the "cleaning out my friends list" posts ANNOYING AS HELL!!! How about you just delete who you don't want and leave it at that, why announce it? Are you expecting those of us that you want to delete to beg to stay?? Puuh-leeeease!!!

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  51. I need to thank you for this post. Someone was being passive-aggressive trying to make it look like I was the one who had the problem instead of her, and I totally just felt like Vaguebooking when I remembered this post. And I thought to myself, I'm gonna post, "I am just irritated beyond belief about my bedwetting problem." Then, I was laughing too hard to be irritated anymore. :)

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  52. 1000 times yes.

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