Wednesday, February 6, 2013

EGG WARNING!

I'm here to issue you a warning. Consider this a PSA. If the person pictured below offers you eggs that he has prepared, DECLINE!

Ok, I know. You're looking at that picture and you're thinking, how can such a kind-looking person possibly do something terrible enough to necessitate these warnings?

You're thinking, I would hang out with that guy and I would take any food that guy offered and feel comfortable that that food wasn't laced with poisons.

Guys. Don't you think I know that? WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING! He's not what you think!


Daniel is good at a lot of things. Playing baseball without a glove, for example. Also, reaching stuff that is really high.

Something Daniel is definitely NOT good at? Remembering that eggs canNOT be left out and consumed later.

Last summer Daniel prepared an excessive amount of deviled eggs for human consumption at a lunch party he was attending. Later that day I noticed the uneaten eggs in the back seat of his car. It was a HOT sunny day and they had been sitting in there for aboooouuuut FIVE HOURS.

I remember thinking at the time, gee. I wonder why Daniel didn't leave those eggs with the party host if he was just going to let them go to waste in his car?

Because guys. I thought that one of the things you had to do in order to become an adult was learn about eggs and egg-based foods and how they can't get left out in the sun and then be safely consumed.

When I saw those eggs in the back of his car, we were at our friend Anna's house. At some point, when I wasn't paying attention, Daniel retrieved these deviled eggs and brought them to the group as a special surprise treat.

The government would capture me and keep me contained for studies if it saw the anti-laws-of-physics moves that I performed when I flew through the air screaming to prevent 8 people from taking that first deadly bite of poisoned egg. I swear it happened in slow-motion.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POISON!!!! THEY'RE ALL POISON!!!!!

Daniel defended his actions. "It's not like I spilled raw chicken juices on them!"

I get it. Everything you know in life, you have to learn at some point. It's totally ok that Daniel didn't know about the deviled eggs in hot cars poison death destruction thing. Surprising. But ok.

For heaven's sake. I didn't know that eggs weren't a dairy product until I was 23. Guys. THEY'RE NEXT TO THE MILK AND BUTTER! How was I supposed to know they aren't "dairy!"

Daniel is incredibly smart. He has read every book ever written and he seems to know a little about everything. At night, when we're sitting out on the balcony, he's reading Crime & Punishment and taking notes while I'm playing Angry Birds until my battery dies and I just lay on the ground fake crying for someone to pay attention to me.

And he STILL concentrates on what he's reading, even after I start throwing stuff at him and calling him names that I can't repeat in front of mixed company.

I don't want you to think that I'm saying the guy isn't smart. Because that's NOT what I'm saying. What I'm saying is DO NOT ACCEPT EGGS FROM HIM THAT HE HAS PREPARED!

Because just when I thought he learned his lesson from the Deviled Car Bomb experience, as it is now commonly known among its almost-victims, last night happened.

I was washing dishes, dancing, and singing at the top of my lungs, "WHOOOMP THERE IT IS! I SAID WHOOMP--"

No, you know what? Never you mind what I was singing. IRRELEVANT. Stop getting me off track.

I was singing. That's all you need to know. In what was most likely an effort to get me to stop, Daniel handed me a peeled hard-boiled egg, which I noticed he did not retrieve from the refrigerator or any type of container.

I immediately placed the entire egg into my mouth because I'm no gentleman and I treat all food like I'm in an eating competition. It's like practice for if I really am ever in an eating competition. It's smart. It's the only thing I took from Boy Scouts. Be prepared. That, and John Scoville told me what sex was at a scout camp.

Anyway, after a couple of chews, I asked through my full mouth, "When di' u make 'ese?" To which Daniel casually responded, "yesterday morning."

With everything I had in me, I immediately spit all of the contents of my mouth directly at the kitchen wall in front of me. I seriously think I might have broken the sound barrier. It was hard to tell over the sounds of my screaming and gasping for air.

Daniel asked "what just happened?!" And then mockingly and with the use of air quotes, "oh . . . the 'egg thing' again?"

Yes, Daniel. The "egg thing" again.

After I lectured him on the dangers of eating egg-based foods that have been sitting out, this time for almost 2 full days in the hot tropics, he rolled his eyes and defiantly swallowed one of them, basically whole.

Guys. I seriously think he might be hiding his food poisoning from me today to prove a point.

I'm not wrong about this, am I? Hard boiled eggs left out? That's not ok, right??? This better not be another egg/dairy thing.

~It Just Gets Stranger

31 comments:

  1. Yes ur right....the "danger zone" is called that for a reason...eggs especially! If ur "very attractive" yet risky cook doesnt have food poisoning he has the digestion track of most livestock and u should question how human he really is.

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  2. I notice your "Christmas tree" is still up and this is now almost mid-February. What kind of person does that? Oh yeah, I have one of mine up to (insert high-five or fist-bump here).

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    1. Mine's up, still, too!!!

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    2. I believe that is a picture from Christmas morning...doesn't mean their Christmas tree is still up.

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    3. Psh, I left mine up until April.

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  3. *too. I have one of mine up too.

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  4. My husband regularly leaves food out (meat covered pizza, steak, chicken) overnight, then eats it for breakfast the next day. I've never seen him get sick from this disturbing behavior.
    Also, this will probably gross you out, but until after they've been refrigerated, eggs don't NEED to be refrigerated. I mean if you add mayo to them for deviled eggs, then yes, always refrigerate, but right out from under the chicken, no fridge needed.
    In Germany, the eggs were always found in the breakfast foods aisle, not the refrigerated section. It was weird at first, but made sense when I thought about it. Eggs come out of chickens and can sit around for a while before they're collected. They've been eaten by people for thousands of years before refrigeration, and presumably we weren't wiped out as a race by chickens. So, it turns out, they can be left around safely for at least a few days...unless they've been cooled already.

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  5. If it makes you feel better; a friend of mine in the 8th grade didn't know eggs came form chickens. She thought they came from factories. No joke.
    You should probably avoid all things with eggs since they're baby Queens of Colors...

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    Replies
    1. Yes, and if he eats enough of them he might turn into the Queen of Colors!

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  6. Mayonaise needs refrigeration. So yes, the deviled eggs were deadly!

    If the shell on the egg has been cracked, then yes, refrigerate because the bacteria can get to the egg itself. But the shell is quite good at protecting the inside. That is, after all, what it is designed to do! I tend not to refrigerate uncooked eggs because I my baked items turn out better if I use fresh, unrefrigerated eggs. Of course, I don't live in the tropics, but I would still probably eat a 2 day old, hard-boiled egg that still had the shell on it. Even if it came from Daniel.

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  7. I got food poisoning one time from eating a hard boiled egg that had been in the fridge for....oh...
    4 weeks. It was terrible. Daniel is clearly in the wrong here. Eggs are a very risky business.

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  8. Actually, eggs are a funny thing, they are better when kept in the fridge, but many people leave them on the counter and they are fine for a good long time. Weird, I know, but it's true. However, I don't think leaving hard-boiled eggs in a hot car for several hours is nessescarily a good idea.

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  9. I always worry that there might be a fertilized egg that I will crack open for breakfast and discover a small dead furry creature. That is my main motivation for keeping eggs in the fridge. I know they need incubation to grow/hatch, but I'm just staying on the super safe side. Also I keep my eggs WAAAAAYYYY past the date stamped on it. I mean months....maybe longer.

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  10. WAIT! This is the very same Daniel who gave a whole new meaning to the word "friendship" when you were on your deathbed a few weeks ago? Wait a minute! Did he he nurse you back to health only to watch you die from egg?! What the heck is that all about?!

    But seriously: why is it hard for him to remember that leaving eggs out is a bad idea? (Gosh, this kind of reminds me of that episode on the Office when Michael and Dwight take a bad potato salad to a party at the CEO's house...? Maybe?)

    Is Daniel still hiding his sickness from you, Eli?

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  11. I don't know...my college keeps boiled eggs out in unrefrigerated spots. And my roommate ate them everyday and never died.

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  12. Are you serious about eggs not being dairy?? Imma have to Google that.

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  13. P.S. Daniel kinda reminds me of Christian Bale, pre-beard.

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    1. You mean like Patrick Bateman/American Psycho Christian Bale? Funny you should say that after it came out he's poisoning Eli to draw attention to himself.....yikes!

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  14. I think-maybe-you should start keeping a food diary of when you accept food from this character and when you get these mysterious illnesses he has to "save" you from. Munchaussen by proxy--I dont want to worry ur mom and dad, Im just saying....And its only safe to leave farm fresh at room temperature if you haven't washed them and removed the membrane-, theres a membrane on the outside that gets washed away when you wash the chicken poop off. And you should refrigerate eggs if the place you got them from has a rooster. You can tell if its been fertilised if theres a teèeeeny tiny barely noticable white dot on the yolk. Not that weird blood smear thing that's in them sometimes-I dont want to know what that is.

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  15. Picturing you singing whoomp there it is while washing the dishes just made my day.

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  16. Eggs are ok not refrigerated if they haven't been frigerated before. so just be aware of the date.
    Hard boiled is fine not frigerated if the shell isn't broken or cracked up to a week as well. If the shell is taken off they need to be kept in cold water in the fridge.
    Just don't let eggs in heat or the sun. egg salad and deviled eggs are not good when they are left in the sun because of the mayo. (potato salad is the same).
    Americans have weird thoughts about things needing to be kept in the fridge it just makes things fresh longer, i.e. eggs.
    But they also put things in the fridge that don't need to be and actually make them ripen faster (some fruits and veggies).
    Other countries don't keep eggs cold even when they aren't farm fresh, this is when I learned all eggs and the fridge.

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  17. I would say something about the egg situation but I feel too much sympathy for Daniel. He looks like a great guy.

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  18. Ohmygoodness...You are hilarious. That is all. I love this blog! =)

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  19. This is a serious problem!! Poor Eli... I can see you now. Curled up in the corner, trembling, on the verge of hysteria while your sinister yet extremely attractive roommate tries to poison you with delicious hard boiled eggs. I can't be the only one to see the obvious solution to this problem.
    Daniel needs to get married.
    I will kindly volunteer.

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  20. I know you did not do it, but the "whoomp there it is" felt like it was just for me. If you are not careful I am going to start sharing songs with you via email, that will get stuck in your head for eternity to pay you back for all of this. I know some really annoying brain worms ( for those who do not know that term, it is a song that worms its way in your head and you can not get rid of it EVER) Let me tell ya you do not want to be in the dairy isle buying EGGS with a bunch of kids and moms around you and the all the sudden break out into "The Underpants song" without realizing what you are doing, you WILL get dirty looks. ANYWHO you are right eating deviled eggs left out to long is BAD! BUT Daniel probably can handle it because he is used to it. awwwww tagteam back again check it direct it lets begin party on party people let me hear some noise............( yes I know it all) <3

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  21. I didn't know eggs were not dairy until I was 23 either! My coworkers made fun of me for DAYS when I mentioned it at work. They showed me a picture of a food pyramid to prove their point. Meanies. But, I blame the grocery store. If eggs are not dairy, move them away from the dairy section!

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  22. I have not clue, I thought the same thing, but one of my Grandmothers, every easter, hid eggs the night before, and we found and ate them all the next afternoon. Then again, I live in Ohio, not the tropics, not sure if the same rule applies.... I always refridgerate mine though.

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  23. DANIEL!
    How in the world did you convince Dr. Barnes to hand you over a public health degree? I can't believe this.

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  24. OMG!!! I read this while i was at work and now everyone is staring at me... It may have something to do with the squealing noise I call laughter.

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