Sunday, February 10, 2013

I See a Sea Snake

On Saturday a group of people from the Palauan judiciary (where daddy works---I'm daddy in this situation) hopped onto a boat and went out to the Rock Islands for the day.  The Rock Islands are a group of tall rocky mounds totally covered in thick mangroves. They are about the most beautiful piece of God's green Earth that exists. They look like a cluster of sleeping giants in the ocean and many of them contain heavenly white sand beaches.

We went to one of the beaches that sat sort of in a bay that was surrounded by 2 tall islands about 100 meters apart from each other, creating a lagoon/tropical canyon to hang out in. HEAVEN. Yet, just like a good Mormon boy, I believe in opposition in all things. So it wasn't a huge shock when the worst thing EVER happened in that otherwise perfect place.

We spent the day in this spot playing volleyball, barbecuing, and laughing with hysterical Palauans. At one point, Daniel, Hillary, and I decided to snorkel the mile or so around 1 of the 2 islands. And that's when it happened.


A sea snake encounter. WITH ME!

Well not me me. But Daniel me. I didn't actually go near it. Because HELLO! It was a freaking snake!!! One whose bite apparently will kill you in less than 3 seconds. And they always say that it's hard for these snakes to bite people because their mouths are so small and they can only fit around your ear lobes or between your fingers or 5 trillion other places. And they say this like these snakes are not to be feared.

But I have a question for "they," whoever they are. If these things really don't pose a threat to humans, HOW DO YOU KNOW A BITE CAN KILL A PERSON IN THREE SECONDS IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!

Check. Mate.

Game. Set. Match.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

Twice up the barrel, once down the side.

I started running out of sayings about victory after "game, set, match." Also, I don't think that last one is even a saying.

No. You know what? It is now! It means that I am indisputably right about this. This just became a thing. Add it to Urban Dictionary.

And I'm using it now because these people are wrong to talk about snakes like they don't grow from the ground straight from Hell. Sin is their fertilizer. All the incredible amounts of sin in the world today? BOOM. More snakes.

And we were swimming in them.

Daniel popped his head up and yelled, "I see a sea snake!"

Ok. First of all, Daniel. If that's even you're real name. You think your alliterations are so cute. You're not Michelle from Full House. Talk like a grown up.

Secondly, WHY oh WHY are you taking the time to tell us about it when you should be doing one of a number of things? Such as:

1. Shooting out of the water like a trained dolphin at Sea World.

2. Conducting an underwater exorcism.

3. Calling 911.

4. Praying for God to destroy the Earth.

5. Cardiac arrest.

In a very forced voice, Hillary, who later confessed she was just trying to keep everyone calm despite the terror she herself felt, yelled back, "Everything will be ok. Daniel. Just swim over to us. Slowly." And then turning to me, "Everything. Is. Fine. Really."

Daniel tried to call us over a number of times, but every time he did, we swam 30 more feet in the opposite direction.

Guys. If everyone got to be emergency helicoptered out of a situation one time in their life and they could choose that time, I totally would have used it up on Saturday. Assuming I didn't already use it at every single scout camp I ever went on. Or one day when I got really bored and just wanted to see how it worked.

They should totally have a safeguard against wasted uses of the one-time-helicopter-out-of-a-bad-situation trick. Like you can't use it until you're at least 21. Or you can't--

No. You know what? This is MY hypothetical. Everyone gets an unlimited amount of times they can be helicoptered out of things. I would have used this resource on Saturday. And at all those scout camps. Also every single time I have run into a professor or boss in the bathroom.

Because Saturday was THE WORST.  SEA SNAKE IN THE SAME WATER I WAS IN!

In our effort to escape, we were caught swimming against a strong current for the better part of an hour before we rounded the last turn and made it back to our safe beach. When we got there Daniel confronted us.

Daniel: Why didn't you guys come over when I was calling you?

Hillary and Eli: Uh . . . the SNAKE.

Daniel rolled his eyes and I swear one of these days they are going to get stuck in the rolled back position and he's going to look like the Exorcist girl for the rest of his life. Then he'll be sorry.

Twice up the barrel, once down the side, Daniel.

~It Just Gets Stranger

25 comments:

  1. Wow. Maybe you should have brought along one of Daniel's eggs to eat in case of emergency... like in The Hunger Games, except it was berries. For you or the snake. You choose.

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  2. http://www.ksl.com/?sid=24009829&nid=711&title=python-hunters-rescued-from-the-everglades-by-helicopter. Looks like these men got an emergency rescue over the weekend. Too bad they couldn't come for you as well.

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  3. I asked my husband after reading this if sea snakes were dangerous. This is how it went:

    Me: Hey babe, are sea snakes dangerous?

    Husband: Um, yeah! They are the most
    venomous snake on the planet.

    Me: So what if you saw one, would you get out of the water or swim away?

    Husband: I'd swim away. They are pretty dosile and if you leave them alone you're pretty safe.
    Now if you grab it, you're a goner.

    I thought his last bit was obvious, but hey you never know right?
    Do you tell Daniel on a regular bases how much you care about him?
    Between the eggs and dangerous wildlife I think he might have a death wish.

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  4. I totally agree with the helicoptored out idea, except maybe you should just make it a "poof", I'm outta here thing. Like a genie, nod your head and puff, a cloud appears around you and you are magically transported to your safe place. Mine would be hiding under the covers in my bed. That way, I can shed my fearful tears in private.

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  5. HILARIOUS. And, completely awful. That situation is so twice up the barrel and once down the side. Did I use that right? Also, my verification code is "911". oooOOOooo.

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  6. Sounds like one of those nightmares when your trying to run but your legs don't work. Running/swimming/thrashing through water = Ahhhhhh!
    I'm so glad you survived to tell us this crazy account!

    Twice up the barrel sounds hunterish, very manly.
    My husband is an avid hunter so I'm sure he love my new "Ha I'm so right" saying, twice up the barrel... LOVE IT!

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  7. Thanks for the great laugh today. I think you are totally twice up the barrel once down the side about snakes.

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  8. I had an eel swim right at my and I squealed like a little girl and swam like I was being chased by sharks. According to everyone we were swimming with "they are like almost totally harmless", I think everyone I was swimming with are compulsive liars. The end.

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  9. Needed this laugh!

    I will also be extra cautious when I enter any form of water now, I mean from a swimming pool to the Ocean I will really investigate my surroundings. I realize that the chances of me ever encountering this horrific creature is slim to none I still must play it safe.

    Pictures of this heavenly space you speak of would be greatly appreciated - I am very intrigued by the description of sleeping giants.

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  10. Replies
    1. also I went to urban dictionary like you asked, but others need to also :)

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    2. Totally going to Urban dictionary now and requesting they add it!

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  11. No no no no no no no! I am the person most afraid of snakes that I know. The nightmares will begin again tonight!
    No lie - when I was walking home from school (I lived in Northern CA) I knew it was going to be a "snake day" The temp was in the 90s and the asphalt was toasty, just like Rattlesnakes love. I knew KNEW I would see a snake so I did what any normal snake-o-phobe would: I walked with my eyes closed. I'm walking along and decide to sneak a peek so I wouldnt get off course and POW Rattlesnake on the side of the road. I am rumnning now and I look like a psycho maniac but I am still trying so hard to keep my eyes mostly closed so I wont see another one and POW BOOM ANOTHER one is in the road. Next thing I know my mom is telling me to breathe into a paper sack and take a drink of water. I have no recollection of how I got the rest of the 1/2 mile home. Worst. Day. ever.

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  12. "You think your alliterations are so cute. You're not Michelle from Full House. Talk like a grown up."

    This might be the best thing I have ever read. So, so much funny in those 3 sentences.

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  13. Hatred of snakes is the most important virtue of all the divine virtues. I am rather concerned that Daniel was trying to lure you into this trap with the literal spawn of Lucifer. Are you sure he is not currently being controlled by the snakes? If there is any chance of that, I suggest you keep your guard up around him at all times - especially when he appears to be "sleeping".

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  14. I'm just glad the Iron Man helped you to train for swimming for your life from the most evil creatures on the planet.

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  15. With the reference to Michelle on Full House I can't help but hear Daniel say "I thee a thea thnake!", which is far less terrifying if you ask me.

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  16. When I read "twice up the barrel once down the side" my visual was two mice running up a big wooden barrel, and one falls in, so one runs down the other side. Like a mouse trap. And when I googled the phrase your blog came up. not helpful.

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  17. Ok, I have been reading this blog for some time, and you have made me laugh a lot but now I have to top your horror story. First off, I think spiders are worse than snakes, but the worst, the absolute worst creature in the world, which truly is the devil incarnate, which is worse than the first eye and the Queen of Colors leading an army of snakes, is a centipede. They terrify me. And guess what I just found in my bathroom? A centipede. In all it's evilness. I will never pee again. And I really have to, so bad. I will never sleep again either. In fact, I am planning on burning my house down, if I could ever get the courage to get off of this chair and run like mad out the door. But, that is not all. Within the last month I have found a huge tarantula in my house, a snake (yes, a SNAKE, IN MY HOUSE, NEAR MY BED!!) and now, a centipede. And I live alone, and no one will kill them for me. I managed to kill the tarantula and chase the snake out of my house (I'm pretty sure it was a harmless garden snake) but the devil centipede has escaped and is hiding somewhere, most likely waiting until I let down my guard so it can steal my soul. So, my dear Eli, be happy your sea snake was out in the open, and not threatening your very chance at ever being happy or even sane again! Because I think I have lost all hope of happiness or sanity now.

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    Replies
    1. This is quite possibly the most terrifying comment I have read on this blog. Best of luck; I don't think I'd ever go back in my house if I lost a centipeded in it.

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    2. Totally feel the same way about centipedes. Have panic attacks whenever I see one. Ruined a perfectly good pair of shoes when I saw one in my shower. (Don't ask...)

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  18. Apparently, according to my roommate, 2013 IS the year of the snake.....

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  19. Okay, I was watching the season premiere of Survivor and they showed a picture of a SEA SNAKE! I screamed this fact to my husband. Too bad he had no clue what I was talking about so excitedly. The snake shots they always have on that show are bad enough, but now they've added SEA SNAKES!

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  20. I can FEEL the venom in your voice when you write Daniel in italics hahahaha. Got me every time

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