Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Tsunami Watch

The law librarian who works just outside of my office came to my door about 20 minutes ago to tell me that a tsunami is going to hit Palau at 3:00. That's now in 1 hour.

The words she used were horrific. But the tone was apathetic. This is typical for her. And now I sit, wondering whether to trust the tone or the content of her message. Either we're 1 hour away from total destruction and death, or nothing is going to happen. I feel pretty confident that it's not going to be something in the middle.

But in case I do die today, I want to issue my final words and wishes.

First of all, some confessions:

Bob and Cathie, I'm the one who scratched Micalyne's name into the side of the car in the early '90s.

I'm also the one who spilled that bleach on the carpet when I was 10.

All those flowers that got knocked down by the wind the next year? Me.

I punched Simon Jones in the face at recess during the first grade and almost got expelled from school. You never found out about it because I didn't give you the letter from the principal and he forgot to follow up on it because of his sex abuse case that year. Simon bled everywhere and had to stay home the next day.

Jerk from high school, I'm the one who put chewed gum in your jacket pockets 7 different times in the 10th grade. I was wrong to do it. I saw you bully so many people over the years and since you didn't know me, I figured I would never be suspected. And I don't think I was.

11th grade history teacher, pages 2-4 of my paper on the Industrial Revolution just said, "I hate this class" over and over and over again. You either thought this relevant to the topic or you never read it because you gave me a B+.

In a weak moment last year, I saw a stray cat in Istanbul and asked Krishelle and Daniel if I could keep it.

Next, my will:

I would like all of the mazes I drew in the 4th grade when I could have been learning how to play sports to go to my sister Krishelle.

I want all of my unused sports equipment from my childhood to go to the Make a Wish Foundation.

I want my Snuggie to go to Jane.

The Queen of Colors goes to you guys. Sorry.

And my parents get everything else. Sorry for all the hoarding, Bob and Cathie.

~It Just Gets Stranger

19 comments:

  1. You're a brilliant man, Mr.McCann. I'm not sure how you turned news of impending death and destruction into hilarity, but you did. I'm going to be plotting about putting chewed gum in my ex's pockets for years to come. I'll send you half of his dry cleaning bill, or half of my therapy bill...I'm not sure which yet. Either way, you're half responsible as you provided the superb idea. If the tsunami gets out of hand, resort to your Harry Potter swimming game, you'll be fine.

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  2. Oh my gosh I LOVE confessions! I hope you don't die. Can I pleeeeeease keep Trixy, even if you don't die???

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  3. Well.. What happened? Are you ok?

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  4. Eli, just want you to know how big of a fan I am to your blog...

    I read the earthquake and Tsunami report when I got to work this morning and the first thing I did was come here to see if you are alive.

    You better be, how else will I survive my days at the office.

    But seriously, hope you are ok.

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  5. Since this appears to have been posted 8 hours after the tsunami was supposed to have taken out the island of Palau....Eli, do you want to blame the above confessions on eating a bad pineapple or something?

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  6. You were the first person I thought of when I heard about the tsunami.

    I don't even know you!

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  7. Did you really do all those things? What a funny, weird little kid you were. And teenager. I feel quite certain we'd have been friends throughout :)

    PS I hope you don't die.

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  8. Please! Let us know that you are safe. Love, Your anonymous stalker. :)

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  9. Eli...ELI?! ARE YOU OKAY!?! Answer me *running around sobbing*

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  10. Brilliant. But stay safe!

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  11. Thanks for the confessions. BTW you owe your sister Krisanda a huge apology.......she was always the one blamed for the bleach on the carpets. Dad

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  12. Eli. I noticed on my work calendar that a coworker is training people from a company. The company is called Palau XXXXX (not really XXXXX but you know, I need to protect confidentiality). I wouldn't have even known Palau was an actual place if it wasn't for this blog. I got all giddy thinking Eli said it's a small place so I bet HE WILL KNOW PEOPLE on this call. This has nothing to do with this entry but I had to share :D

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    1. This is hilarious. At any awkward pause in the business conversation I would have blurted "Do you know Eli, the guy with snuggie and the blog?" and then I would probably be fired. But what if they did know him?!?

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    2. This island is so small, you are probably having that call with ME.

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    3. I thought I missed the call and was ready to ask if someone named Eli signed in but saw it was rescheduled to Valentine's Day. I'd say that was fate right there Eli. What are the odds? ;)

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  13. I hope you stay safe. Please don't die Eli!

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  14. I wonder how hard it would be to do this....

    http://themetapicture.com/my-coffee-must-now-be-served-like-this/

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  15. Another superb post... well done. Stress really brings out the funny in you, you know that? Glad you're all okay but more importantly, I need to know what school district you lived in because that pricipal and history teacher sound a little messed up and I would like to avoid moving there with my kids. ;) Follow up question: when when will you be providing more "young Eli" vignettes? Sounds like you have a gold mine waiting for you there.

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