Monday, March 4, 2013

Cranky

I'm kind of cranky today. Correction: I'm REALLY cranky today. I didn't start that way when I woke up. It just sort of built up throughout the day. And it peaked about half an hour ago when I hit my knee on this same part of my desk that I bump into 75 times a week. I may have thrown a small temper tantrum when it happened. I may have physically abused an inanimate object. I may have hurt myself in the process.

I don't know what I was thinking. I was young! I needed the money!

Prior to that, I lost my favorite pen. I couldn't attach documents to an email I needed to send because the Internet is too incompetent in Palau. Then the Internet broke altogether while I was in the middle of something important. Oh, and it's really hot today. And everything is a bigger deal when it's hot.

Beyond all of that, I'm cranky about some things that I found out today that actually matter, too. I DON'T JUST GET UPSET OVER MEANINGLESS STUFF, GUYS. Bad things that matter sometimes come my way.

And I recognize that by leaving that prior paragraph at that and refusing right now to explain exactly what those things are is totally hypocritical since just last week I called you all out on vague facebook cry-for-help posts. SO SUE ME.

Actually, don't sue me. I really don't have time to defend a law-suit right now. Maybe we can settle outside of court? Fine. You drive a hard bargain. You can have half of everything I own if this can all just go away. Sorry if your half includes Lohan, my parasite.

I've been bringing my running clothes to work in the mornings so I can run the few miles home at the end of the day. This is my attempt to reverse the course of my Pillsbury Doughboy transformation that I've been attempting to undergo ever since I arrived in Palau.

On days when I'm especially cranky I'm tempted to do one of two things: eat excessive amounts of ice cream or run. So this whole bring running clothes to work and send my car away with Daniel plan is my way of trying to keep myself from continuing to choose the former option.

On days like today, when I'm extra cranky, I usually make it home particularly fast.

So what I need from you, PLEASE, is a funny joke that will make me, and anyone else out there who is a little cranky today, feel a little less cranky. Leave it in the comments. I'll love you forever if you actually make me laugh out loud.

~It Just Gets Stranger

117 comments:

  1. Here you go.

    My just turned 4 year old son looked at me ( a young 33 year old) as we were playing play dough today and said, very nonchalantly, "Oh. You have stripes all over your face. You are going to die soon," and then continued playing as if my end had not just been foretold.

    "What?!? What stripes? Where?"

    "Those ones. On your forehead"

    "Ooooh. You mean wrinkles. Wait...wrinkles do NOT mean I'm going to die soon thankyouverymuch!"

    I think I'm more concerned that he was so UNconcerned about my early demise.



    ReplyDelete
  2. Whenever I'm in an unexplainable bad mood I just read this-
    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.nz/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html
    And no, I couldn't figure out how to put that in a link like a normal person. It's been one of those days!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jack Daniels Fishing Story

    I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of prawns.

    Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in his mouth.. Frogs are good barra bait.

    Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, Jack Daniels Fishing Story

    I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of prawns.

    Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in his mouth.. Frogs are good barra bait.

    Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog,
    and put it in my bait bucket.

    Now the problem was how to Release the snake without getting bitten.

    So, I grabbed my bottle of
    Jack Daniels and poured a
    little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

    I released him into the lake
    without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

    A little later, I felt a nudge
    on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
    and put it in my bait bucket.

    Now the problem was how to Release the snake without getting bitten.

    So, I grabbed my bottle of
    Jack Daniels and poured a
    little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

    I released him into the lake
    without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

    A little later, I felt a nudge
    on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

    Sorry about the dodgy formatting. And the alcohol. And the animals. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
    Bridg

    ReplyDelete
  4. My newly 11-year-old brother recently introduced the following question to our mealtime conversation:

    Levi: Would you rather be the really really fat or really really annoying?

    Mom: Hmm. Well, Levi, I guess I would rather be really fat.

    Levi: But Mom, I mean REALLY REALLY fat. The fattest person in the world!

    Mom: Um....

    Dad (without blinking an eyelash): If you were the fattest person in the world you would be the most annoying too.

    (My apologies to whomever the fattest person in the world is.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. How do you ask someone to be the next head of the catholic church?

    You pope the question.

    (It's a lot funnier when you say it out loud)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just imagine a T-rex trying to make a bed.

    ReplyDelete
  7. These are a few of my favorite things:
    1)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9DcTjMTho0
    2)http://www.itjustgetsstranger.com/
    Everything about Randy:
    3)http://www.youtube.com/user/juliansmith87?feature=watch
    These are just cute:
    4)http://www.youtube.com/user/BoredShortsTV
    5)Now for the for the memes:
    https://twitter.com/RylandRobinson/status/242854319681060865/photo/1
    I just love these(: http://pinterest.com/stars18/fun-ny/
    And least: http://www.deargirlsaboveme.com/
    Do you love me yet? Then stranger, SMILE! Your mom chose life!

    ReplyDelete
  8. What do vegetarian zombies eat?? GRAINS GRAINS!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. What does a nosy pepper do?

    Gets jalapeño business :-D

    ReplyDelete
  10. A mushroom walks into a bar.

    Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

    Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

    ReplyDelete
  11. And I know you're not an animal person, but try a few seconds of this soldier's dog welcoming him home video:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0LS29iuL1s

    Contrasted with a soldier's cat's welcome home video. Always good for a snort:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUkQ57LJaYk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually watched these because I took the challenge of would it really make me snort? Totally did. Thanks :)

      Delete
  12. Q:What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

    A:Roberto! (you have to say it with the trilled 'r' and everything)

    A man wanted to go to a costume party, but didn't have a costume. So he had his girlfriend hop on his back to carry, piggy-back style. When he got to the party, everyone asked what he was supposed to be. "A turtle!" he said and pointing to the girl on his back, "This is Michelle!"

    ReplyDelete
  13. My "old reliable", dating back to my kindergarten year (I told it to my teacher after reading it in Highlights magazine and knocked her socks off!).

    What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

    De-calf-inated!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO oh wow my dog looked at me funny, kina saying with his eyes that was not that funny hehehe

      Delete
  14. A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar.


    Only one of them needed stitches, though.

    ReplyDelete
  15. What do you call a Jamaican acupuncturist?

    Pokémon!

    ReplyDelete
  16. What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? (WHERE'S MY TRACTOR?!)

    Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? (They all have phones.)

    What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? (Anyone can roast beef.)

    Guy goes into a doctor and says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this." Doc says, "Then don't do it." (God, I know that's not funny, but my dad loves it.)

    Knock knock. Who's there? Wheel. Wheel who? Wheel. Wheel who? Wheel. WHEEL WHO? Wheel you stop yelling at me? (Hilarious when done between my 4 & 6 year olds.)

    ReplyDelete
  17. What did one snowman say to the other?
    "...Do you smell carrots?"

    ReplyDelete
  18. My favorite: Why is Piglet always so dirty?

    Because he plays with Pooh. (Poo, get it? I know, that's a tough one.)

    ReplyDelete
  19. What are the two sexiest animals? (said like porn music) brown chicken, brown cow

    What do you call a blind dinosaur?
    A doyouthinkhesawrus

    What do you call a dog with no legs?
    Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't commin'


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG brown chicken, brown cow!!!!! Love it!

      Delete
  20. This is my second favorite blog of all time! Stranger is my first favorite, of course, but I think that you would appreciate this blog post written by Hannah Hillam. I present to you Team Anything-But-Edward. Enjoy! :)

    http://www.verbal-vomit.com/2011/11/team-anything-but-edward.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I liked Twilight (books, not movies), but this is all SO TRUE that I agree with her anyway. Thanks!

      Delete
  21. why did the boy drop his ice cream cone??



    Because he got hit by a bus.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This one made me laugh out loud!!!

      Delete
    2. Me TOO! (OMG, we're going to Hell)

      Delete
  22. I know this doesn't make you feel better, but I too am in a cranky mood. Mine has extended from last night. In an attempt to make myself feel better I threw my blow dyer at the floor. While it broke, I will admit it really didn't break into pieces, so I didn't feel satisfied with my effort. Therefore, I became more cranky due to my failed attempt.

    ReplyDelete
  23. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
    for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical Male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the
    funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
    already in place.

    I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

    When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
    been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently I'm still lost.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was the funniest one on here so far! hahahahahah

      Delete
    2. oh my goodness. This made me laugh so hard.

      Delete
    3. OMG!!! I seriously nearly choked!! Hilarious, good stuff. Hats off to you, sir!!

      Delete
  24. What's long, brown and sticky?

    (a stick)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Currently my favorite joke: "You can have 1/2 of everything I own if this can all just go away. Sorry if your half includes Lohan, my parasite."

    ReplyDelete
  26. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    (to get to your house)

    ...

    Knock knock

    "Who's there?"

    The chicken

    ReplyDelete
  27. My 5 year old likes to call skittles "S&M's". They look like M&M's but with an S on it instead of an M. Imagine a 5 year old trick or treating in a busy neighborhood yelling out to me.. "Look, Mommy, I got S&Ms!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  28. Sorry, as a mom all my jokes are funny things kid say-

    When I was at the hospital giving birth to my son, the doctor came out into the waiting room and told my family I was going to have to have a c-section.

    My 4 year old niece responded, "But why can't she just poop him out?!"

    ReplyDelete
  29. why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    because he was dead.

    why did the chicken fall out of the tree?

    because he was stapled to the monkey.

    ReplyDelete
  30. From my almost 4 year old: Why do chickens sit on their eggs? Because, chickens don't have chairs!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

    He wanted to get a'long, little doggie.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because he was dead.

    Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

    He was stapled to the first monkey.

    Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because he was stapling the second monkey to the first monkey.

    Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?

    Peer pressure.


    How do you make a dog sound like a cat?

    Put the dog in liquid nitrogen, and then put it through a band saw. *mneeeooaw*

    How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

    Douse it in gasoline and light a match. *wbhooof*


    Why did billy drop his ice cream cone?

    He got hit by a truck.

    Why didn't he pick up his cone after?

    Cause he was dead.

    Why did Sally fall out of her swing?

    She had no arms.

    Knock, knock
    who's there?
    not Sally.

    ReplyDelete
  33. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

    ReplyDelete
  34. Not so much a joke as a story but its a good one. I was at a funeral yesterday for my uncle when my niece (she is four) leans over to her mom and asks why her cousin is crying and so sad. My sister proceeds to tell her that she is sad because her grandpa just died and that maybe when the speakers are done that she should go and give her a hug and tell her that she is sorry. My niece looked up at her and in full voice says "I'm not apologizing, I didn't kill him!"
    If you ever want to lighten the mood at a funeral that is a goods start lol

    ReplyDelete
  35. This always makes me laugh: http://crappypictures.com/trouble-with-nicknames/

    ReplyDelete
  36. This is funny partially because of how ridiculous it is but also partially because I'm imagining you pranking them somehow. Heelless Hoof Boots.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Two muffins were sitting in an oven.

    The first muffin turned to the other muffin and said, "Gee, is it getting hot in here?"

    The second muffin said, "AAAAAAAHHHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahahaha I love this joke, it was our speech team joke last year, however don't try to tell this joke over walkie talkies between two vehicles driving a church youth group, apparently muffin sounds a lot like the f word

      Delete
  38. Turn that frown upside downMarch 5, 2013 at 7:52 AM

    I suggest you follow in the footsteps of Tommy Pickles after a long day of adventures "I'm heading home to have myself a juice, snuggle with my blankie, and go nap nap." ... but until that happens here's some advice you can use anywhere
    Friends are like potatoes, if you eat them they die (remember this when your friends seem irritating in your cranky mood)
    Shakespearian insults could come in handy for letting out some of that crankiness
    "Thou smell of mountain goat" "I was searching for a fool when I found you" "Out you green sickness carrion" "Go to hell for an eternal moment or so" ... and there are many more interesting insults, I suggest you look them up and cheerup :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. This was from my niece when she was 6-ish: How do you wake up Lady Gaga?


    Poker Face

    ReplyDelete
  40. British men review Veet to groom their nether-regions:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_hist_5?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addFiveStar&showViewpoints=0

    Woman creates 15th century dutch painting self-portraits in airplane lavatories:
    http://www.sadanduseless.com/2012/04/lavatory-self-portraits/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, one more...

      Alanis Morisette re-creates Black Eyed Peas' "Humps"
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRmYfVCH2UA

      Delete
  41. I personally have nothing funny to impart, sorry it's a dry day. But I will share this, because hey at least you didn't order a cobra and then forget you ordered it.

    http://thebloggess.com/

    ReplyDelete
  42. This isn't a joke, because I've been cranky since Friday, but I hate that you are complaining about how hot is it. I just moved to a work on a farm in the mountains of Alabama. In winter. I live in a little cabin that's only heat source is a wood burning stove which my hosts have given me inadequate fuel for, thus it does very little to offset the 28 degree nights/35 degree days we've been having. How about you give me some of your hot air and I'll send you some cold? At least this farm doesn't have a Queen of Colors reincarnation like the last farm I was at does....

    ReplyDelete
  43. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVuSvZOqXM

    If this doesnt make you laugh, nothing will.

    ReplyDelete
  44. My son says to me the other day " Did you know a coma can save a life? For example: Let's eat, Grandpa. Or, Let's eat Grandpa. " Ha Ha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would think a coma would make it easier to eat grandpa, a comma on the other hand does make a big difference.

      Delete
  45. My CTR 4 class got a kick out of this classic joke:
    How do you make a tissue dance?
    But a little boogie in it!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Hey Crankers, here's some marvelous Sims 3 glitches to lighten your mood.

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-weirdest-things-ever-to-happen-when-playing-the-sims

    ReplyDelete
  47. what do you call a cow with no legs?...
    ........
    .......
    Ground beef.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

    Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

    ReplyDelete
  49. A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.





    Only one of them needed stitches, though.

    ReplyDelete
  50. TIP: Whenever i get stressed or cranky i just make buzzing car sounds with my lips (like bbbb) and then pretend I have a pet penguin because: WHY NOT. It's like yoga.

    ReplyDelete
  51. What do you call a cow with three legs?
    Lean beef.

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.

    What do you call a cow with a twitch?
    Beef jerky.

    What do you call a cow in a tornado?
    A milkshake.

    ReplyDelete
  52. How do you wake up lady gaga??!

    Poker face.

    ReplyDelete
  53. What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?

    ˙ƃop ɐ s,ǝɹǝɥʇ ɟı ƃuıɹǝpuoʍ ʇɥƃıu llɐ dn ʎɐʇs

    ReplyDelete
  54. All of my jokes (count them, 2) cannot be written, only spoken. So I asked Bridgette in the car this morning if I knew any jokes. To which she responded, "Me!"

    "You're a joke, Bridgette?"

    "No, mommy! YOU'RE a joke! You're a funny joke!"

    Go ahead. Laugh it up.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Amazon sells plastic sheets. I hear they deliver to Palau.

    ReplyDelete
  56. what is invisible and smells like carrots?


    bunny farts

    ReplyDelete
  57. I laughed out loud at this one.

    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
    The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

    ReplyDelete
  58. Oh, Eli. Just remember, once up the barrel, twice down the side.

    Wait...that's not right, is it?

    Crap.

    ReplyDelete
  59. You've probably seen this before, but it's pretty much my favorite joke: http://9gag.com/gag/4813944

    It always makes me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Here's a blog about awkward dating situations ...

    http://sharetheawkward.blogspot.com/

    And, really, really bad analogies written by high school students:
    http://9gag.com/gag/5949903

    ReplyDelete
  61. http://pinterest.com/pin/394276142347422377/

    I don't know what kind of terrible things have happened to you but here is an old lady smoking a cigar, your problems are irrelevant.

    ReplyDelete
  62. I know I'm late to the party but just in case...
    http://lolsnaps.com/news/8883/0/
    http://www.rowsdowr.com/2012/09/23/star-wars-speeder-bike-cats/
    http://youtu.be/MYC-waukYWo
    http://youtu.be/ewUzwFmDKtQ
    If those don't work, try this on Daniel for the next week:
    http://imgfave.com/view/3181630

    ReplyDelete
  63. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ5LpwO-An4

    This makes me laugh every time, lol :)

    ReplyDelete
  64. so I hope you get this far down the comment list lol. this is MY FIRST COMMENT ON YOUR BLOG!!! TaDa. Anyway, I to have been have a crappy couple of days and when I have such days two things happen. 1) I read your blog and 2) I look at this website http://iwastesomuchtime.com/

    it has funny stuff, serious stuff, and basically just wastes your life, but hey why not? hope you have a better day lol

    ReplyDelete
  65. What has a bottom at its top?

    (A leg)

    ReplyDelete
  66. This is my favorite video on the internet. It's the literal version of "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats and it never fails to make me laugh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7aGFrVSTAY

    ReplyDelete
  67. Two whales walk into a bar. The bar tender asked them what they want. The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWW WOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKK WOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA WOOOOO" The second whale says "Go home Frank, you're drunk"

    (ps: way funnier when read outloud :D )

    ReplyDelete
  68. A car battery walks into a bar and orders a drink. And the bartender says, "Alright, just don't start anything!"

    And my favorite...

    Where do baby chickens go when they don't have mommies and daddies? FOSTER FARMS!!!

    ReplyDelete
  69. A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "
    Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "
    The Gold Dust Twins are coming,"
    and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "
    Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,"
    and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "
    William's Big Stick Did The Trick"
    , and I could hardly control myself. BUT-when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said "
    Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident."
    I laughed out loud."

    source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Forth#ixzz2Mi87xAYS

    ReplyDelete
  70. If you literally want to expire from laughter you need to go read this:

    http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/

    ReplyDelete
  71. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/04/woman-killed-husband-over-cat-siberia_n_2806498.html

    ReplyDelete
  72. I once saw a guy in the grocery checkout line in front of me. It was late at night, I was tired, and my mind could one up with no conversation starters, but he was decidedly a hot guy. Then he made eye contact. I panicked. Looking around for something to start a conversation over, I noticed five sticks of deodorant sat on the belt consisting of his entire order. So, I returned eye contact and proudly stated:

    "Boy! Somebody must be stinky!"

    Fail.

    ReplyDelete
  73. What do you call a bear with no teeth?


    A Gummy Bear

    ReplyDelete
  74. Eli,

    I'm sorry you're feeling cranky over things both trivial and real. It seems like the trivial crap really pisses me off when the real stuff (that you don't feel like sharing with a bunch of strangers) turns to crap and piles up. When it rains, it pours, am I right, Eli?

    I've had a series of crappy days (lasting every day for the past...let me count...a full 20 days); and even though there is most certainly an end in sight, I feel like I've been swimming in it, barely keeping my head above water.

    Then my friend sent me this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOqTLcKkLHM It's called "If animals ate fast food," I think, and for some reason, it makes me laugh. Out loud. Every time. Give it a try.

    I hope your day gets better, even if you vague-status-update'd us all. G'luck, and I hope you enjoy the little video...

    ReplyDelete
  75. The Nicholas Sparks novel/movie formula always cracks me up!

    http://www.cracked.com/funny-4725-nicholas-sparks/

    ReplyDelete
  76. http://littlewhitelion.com/the-best-of-cat-shaming-part-6-18193/

    http://littlewhitelion.com/the-best-of-dog-shaming-part-8-18167/

    ReplyDelete
  77. Also! Whose Line is it Anyway is coming back! (This news made my day on Saturday--when I was MOVING, Eli! Packing and moving is my own personal hell!) Here's the proof: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/tvnews.php?id=100998

    ReplyDelete
  78. I thought this was apropos in light of your recent diving trip:
    "When you swim in the sea,
    and an eel bites your knee,
    that's a moray"

    I hope your cranks go away soon! Also, I can totally relate to the banging-into-the-desk syndrome!

    myinnerpieceofmind.blogspot.com/2013/02/confessions-of-klutz.html

    ReplyDelete
  79. Ugh.. I keep saying that I'm not going to come back to this blog and here I am again.
    I won't tell you a joke because all of my funny jokes are not very appropriate. But I'll share a bizarre family story. Also, check out Glozell on youtube.
    So I mentioned to you before I was from Argentina. Well, people don't care about car seats over there. No one cared about them at least when I was growing up.
    You won't get a ticket if a cop pulls you over and you don't have your kids in car seats but you might get a ticket for not wearing a seat belt (which no one does anyway unless they see a cop nearby). Don't worry. I know car seats are important and necessary. Also, you need to know that my parents were really good and responsible.
    So, my mom had to go to the gas station one day and she took my baby sister with her (which was probably 3 or 4 at the time). No car seat, of course. Well, apparently she didn't close the backdoor all the way, she turned at the corner and my sister fell out of the car. This is not the worst part. The worst is... My mom didn't notice and DROVE AWAY like nothing. So this street vendor found my sister, gave her something to drink and took her to our house (I guess he knew us). They get there and the man tells us he found her on the street. We immediately realized that my mom was going to die when she saw that my sister wasn't in the car. So, my oldest sister took off running to find my mom. A few minutes after she left, my mom gets home completely panicked. We tell her that my little sister is home, safe. We now realize that my other sister was going to be desperately looking for my mom who was already home. My mom leaves again to find her. A couple of minutes later, my oldest sister gets home totally out of breath. We tell her mom already knows. Meanwhile, my very dramatic grandma screams uncontrollably as if someone had died. Eventually we were all back together in the house holding hands in a circle wearing feather crowns, singing songs of joy, celebrating my sister being alive. (Well, we didn't actually do that but we were relieved nothing bad had happened to her). The end.

    PS: Don't you hate it when someone is telling you a story and they think it's really funny and they even laugh while they tell it to you and you don't think it's funny at all but, to be nice, you have to do a super fake, sympathetic laugh?
    Yeah, me too! ~Flo

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    1. The part I don't get is why you'd ever resolve to not come back to this blog... What is wrong with you!?

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  80. I don't know if this will make anyone not from Texas smile but today a friend on Facebook said she was quizzing her son (6 or 7) about Texas history. She asked "Who is the father of Texas?" Son: "That's easy! Jesus!" Lol
    My dad also fell out of a vehicle. He. fell out of the truck as a young child as my grandpa was turning a corner. He pulled over, Daddy jumped back in, and grandpa said "Your mom never finds out about this, understand?" Lol.

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  81. Three guys walk into a bar...the fourth one ducks.

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  82. One of my 7th grade boys shared this in math today.
    If 1, 2, 3, ... are counting numbers, then is 0 a countless number? If so, I've got countless girlfriends.

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  83. This is one my dad told about the old neighbors we had living across the street...

    "Yea, a couple of lesbians live across the street over there...funny thing about that house is there's not one nail...it's all tongue and groove."

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  84. Guy and Girl approaching the crosswalk:
    Girl: No no, we can't cross yet!
    Guy! I have a lucky cricket! Like Mulan!

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  85. At my LDS church, someone started their talk like this:
    "Will my eternal companion please stand?"
    Nobody stands, so he says, "well, it was worth a shot..."

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  86. Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

    "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

    She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
    "Will I be acquitted?"

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  87. Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
    The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
    The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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  88. A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
    So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
    The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
    The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
    The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
    The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
    The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
    The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
    In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
    The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

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  89. I had a rather large baby 4 months ago and I haven't started running again because I'm afraid it will make me pee my pants... Soooo yeah.

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  90. A woman's husband dies suddenly and had $20,000 to his name.
    After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
    The friend says, "How can that be?
    You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died.
    How could you be broke?"
    The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500.
    And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all.
    That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know.
    The rest went for the memorial stone."
    The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
    The widow says, "Three carats."

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  91. An old man came into the doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.
    "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor.
    In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
    "Here's a prescription, Mr. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
    Next week an upset Mr. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.
    "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, they are still soundless but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
    "Calm down, Mr. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

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  92. Just gave you 5 .... do you love me? Cheer up and shake the crankiness off! Dr. V

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  93. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODipBRwCPSA

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  94. What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer???

    We're both lawyers!

    What's green and has wheels???

    Grass. I lied about the wheels.

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  95. Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
    Because she had no arms
    *knock knock*
    Who's there?
    Not Sarah

    I know it's bad, but it's so funny!!

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  96. Simba was going too slow.

    So I told him to Mufasa.

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  97. Well I am going on my mission soon, so I moved back in with my parents. I have to share a small bunk bed with my 8 year old little brother. He is on the top, and I am on the bottom. Last week I am woken up by this splash of liquid on my face. At first I thought it was my dad throwing a cup of water at my face to wake me up, but when the "water" didn't stop coming, I got a little concerned. At this point I was drenched, and asked my little brother, "Ethan, did you wet the bed?" "No, of course not." "Ethan..." "No..Oh, maybe a little". Waking up to your own pee can make for a bad day, but waking up drenched in someone else's pee makes for one of the worst days ever.

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  99. Ok. I apologize that my comment is so late in the race, but I have just the story to cheer you up.

    I recently bought the most adorable puppy ever. His name is Rupert (yeah, that happened) and he is a German Shepherd. It is now my job to potty train him while the rest of my family (mom, dad, brother, absent missionary sister in England) sits back and enjoy all the fun parts of having a puppy. The semester just ended and I find myself jobless, schoolless, and useless. My entire day is filled with this puppy.

    A few days ago, I caught my cat eating his puppy food. I told him to knock it off, and just like I anticipated, he barfed an hour later. Downstairs on the tiled floor. Thanks, Shadow. So today I caught him doing it again, so I threw him outside to barf on the grass like a normal animal. Shortly thereafter, puppy needed a potty break so I took him outside as well. As he was playing, I heard my cat do his I-think-I'm-gonna-freaking-barf noise which is like a whiny cat meow that sounds super annoyed and sick. He was sitting on the deck looking over the edge....and thats when he barfed.

    I had to back up a few steps to avoid getting barfed on from above by my lovely cat. At that same moment, I noticed my puppy looking curiously at a pile of chicken poop. (We also have two chickens, more to come on that in a moment.) So I dodged the barf waterfall to get Rupert away from eating chicken poop, when the chickens heard my voice and came running--only to find a lovely pile of something on the cement floor waiting for them. (Cat barf.)

    It is incredibly difficult to simultaneously keep a rambunctious puppy from eating chicken poop, try to make my cat feel better because he always is so ashamed after barfing, and trying to keep a HORDE of chickens from eating his barf.

    "No, Rupert! Leave it! LEAVE IT! It's ok, Shadow! Don't feel- I SAID LEAVE IT!-bad! *scoot chickens away with foot, doesn't work as they just jump over my foot* *try to catch puppy as he dodges my reach* "EVERYONE STOP EATING THINGS!!"

    After a few moments of this, I realized my life was that awkward part in a comedy where the audience is actually uncomfortable watching it because it is so incredibly awkward and they fast forward that scene or get a refill on their popcorn.

    So I put the squirming puppy back down on the grass. Made a mental note to give him a treat later because his breath is horrifying. I told my chickens that they make bad decisions. And told Shadow he could come back inside.

    This is my life now.

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