Monday, April 1, 2013

April Fools' Day

Ok, first of all, some of you are SO mad that yesterday I didn't say a single thing about April Fools' Day.

What the heck, Eli? How lazy can you be? You don't even deserve to be called an obnoxious jerk anymore.

I have a couple of pretty good email chains going on right now with unsuspecting victims and I thought one of them would be ready to post by yesterday, but I was wrong. And somehow in the stress of the day, I completely forgot to play 5,000 life-ruining April Fools' Day jokes on people, other than pushing Daniel down three flights of stairs while he was holding a bunch of knives. But he seriously can't take a joke so it wasn't even that funny.

And actually, I hope to play a great one on Daniel later this week. He doesn't know how to read a calendar so he never knows what day it is anyway. So what I need from you all are some ideas. Did any of you pull off any good pranks? Any good ones from past years? You can leave your ideas in the comments. Daniel won't see this because he STILL doesn't read Stranger. Which means we can gossip about him and he'll never know. Psst! I heard that Daniel still wets the bed!


It's only been in the last couple of years that I have come to terms with the holiday. My April Fools' Day memories from my childhood are very traumatic because Bob and Cathie HAVE NO BOUNDARIES when it comes to terrorizing their children. Bob and Cathie are like the 60-year-old couple's version of Jolyn, who very suspiciously hasn't tried to ruin my life for about three months now.

It's almost been too quiet.

Cathie gets it from her mom who once ran around screaming that the house was on fire at 2:00 in the morning and then locked her 10 children out and made faces at them through the windows for one hour after they ran to the front yard crying.

This same woman, now 83 years old, to this day still brags about all the chocolate-covered soap she has tricked innocent people into ingesting over the years.

I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't someone who is raised by such a person go to the opposite extreme? Also, Eli, Daniel was totally just being jealous yesterday when he told you that you definitely look fatter than you did when you got to Palau.

First of all, thank you. I'm glad to hear I don't have to stop eating 5,000 calories a day.

And second, I don't know what happened to Cathie, but for whatever reason, she inherited the terribly mean prank gene. And then cultivated it. And turned it into a gene that only terrorists have.

When I was 17, on April Fools' Day she covered her head with fake blood and yelled for my help. I ran to her aid LIKE A GOOD AND LOVING SON and when I got there she said in a delirious-sounding voice, "someone's . . . in the house." Then she "fainted" against the wall. It was then that I saw my 15-year-old sister Micalyne in the background, unconscious on the floor, also covered in blood.

And I started crying. I ACTUALLY started CRYING.

I grabbed a yard stick within reach, my weapon of choice, and yelled "mom! NO!!!"

And what did she do? She sat up, pointed at me, and started laughing. Then Micalyne sat up and started laughing at me too. And then my mom said, "you thought a murderer was in the house and you decided to grab a yard stick, cry, and call for your mommy!?!?! HOW OLD ARE YOU?!?"

They were exactly like that Farkus kid and his side-kick from the Christmas Story.

The thing that makes this all so confusing is that Bob and Cathie otherwise appear to be the sweetest most kind-hearted people you will ever meet. They genuinely seem to care for everyone. And they seem incapable of doing such terrible things to their children.

You can be chatting with them. Having a nice heart-to-heart. Hearing all of their wise advice.

And then, suddenly, Bob is pretending to have a heart attack while driving. Or Cathie is yelling that she's ready to tuck you in while you're talking to a girl you like on the phone. Or both of them call a family meeting to tell their children that they are going to have another baby, AND THEN LET THEIR CHILDREN GO ON FOR ONE FULL MONTH OF PICKING OUT BABY NAMES before telling them it was an April Fools' joke.

Oh how many times I saw Bob call the Jerry Springer show to ask if they had any interest in doing a special on how he found out that his great grandmother was having an affair with the one-legged 20-year-old daughter of one of his cousin-girlfriends. Or how many times I heard him haggle with the phone operators for products he saw on infomercials.

"Now instead of the Magic Bullet, could I just get a regular blender?"

"I saw on the tv that it costs $19.99. Do you think I could get that broken down into six easy payments?"

"Before I agree to anything, will I have to actually use it to see results or will I get rock solid abs just for having it in my house?"

In 1996 Bob and Cathie encouraged and aided 10-year-old Micalyne in convincing her friend FOR AN ENTIRE CALENDAR YEAR that she had a twin named Melinda. Micalyne and Melinda used to take turns playing with this friend. It got so bad that a birthday party invitation showed up to our house addressed to BOTH of them. Micalyne had to call and explain that Melinda couldn't come. This friend still brings this up whenever she is around my family.

My three sisters caught the spirit of the whole thing very early on and have played malicious, mean pranks on me since I was a small child. As a result, The First Eye haunted me beginning at age six, as did our oldest sister "Christina," who allegedly died in a car accident and roamed the basement singing. Also, I defended my claim to multiple classmates all throughout my adolescence that I was, in fact, 1/4 Mexican because my older sister told me so.

I could go on. And on. But I'll stop.

So, any good ideas out there?

~It Just Gets Stranger

55 comments:

  1. I am a first grade teacher at an elementary school. I look so young that I frequently get mistaken for an older student. The PE teacher at the school is always playing pranks on us, putting cockroaches in the principal's office (yes, you thought that only the students did that), dressing up as Santa with a paper bag on his head, etc. The principal agreed to help me carry out a plan: I was introduced as a new student in a fifth grade class, participated in PE, then proceeded to scare the PE teacher by disappearing after being called to the office. He will be teased for years to come, for not being able to tell the difference between an adult and a child. April Fools' Day is my favorite holiday!

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  2. Have you heard of the astronaut sloth picture prank. You take this picture and make it the (person you decide to prank) home screen and screensaver. You print out a whole bunch and put them in places like picture frames, there wallet, doors, under there pillows, and taped to there clothes. You Can even put it on there head when they are sleeping. Just google the image it is hilarious!

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    1. I want to throttle the "There" right out of you!!!! I don't normally go all grammar Nazi, but if you want to say they in the possessive, then it is spelled "Their".

      That is all.

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    2. ^Haha, love this!

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    3. *snickering* thanks for being the grammar Nazi. :)

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    4. Yes, fozzy I understand how grammar works. Geesh. Does is really matter? You understood my point. This is not an essay that is worth half your grade. Its just a comment I did with my phone. I did not proof read it to make sure it was perfect and to your high standards. Who really cares?! A little bunny once told me if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

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  3. Now is the perfect time for that classic quote from Adventures in Odyssey:

    Wooton: Once Wellington told me I was adopted and I believed him for a year.

    Bernard: But you're identical twins!

    Wooton: That's why I only believed him for a year.

    :)

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    Replies
    1. Ahhh Wooton is awesome:)

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    2. Terrific reference!!

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  4. Yesterday I played a good one in my opinion.

    I gave my husband a "caramel apple". Instead of the apple though it was an onion (Pintrest is good for something). I stuck a skewer into the onion and dipped it in caramel then refrigerated it over night. Wrapped it in saran wrap and had it waiting for him when he got home from work. He took a bite and then chased me around the house with a knife. Not the exact ending I was looking for but it was still beautiful to watch the surprise on his face. Oh did I mention he HATES onions?

    ~V

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  5. I really don't see how any prank could get better than those pulled by Cathie. Wow.

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    1. For reals! Eli, ask your mom!! She is a pro.

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  6. For at least five years in a row, when I was in elementary school, my dad would wake me up screaming "IT SNOWED, IT SNOWED!!!!! School has been cancelled..... etc., etc. It was terrible! It didn't matter that I was this sweet, innocent, blue-eyed girl who didn't even know what the holiday really was. Nope, the ridicule got worse as I got older and should remember from one whole year before! He would still try the joke on me when I was older, always some big weather catastrophe. The April Fool's after he died we really did get 8 inches of snow, and school was cancelled. The weather has been f*kd ever since..... he's still messing with me! Haha...

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    1. Loved this. So sweet! I bet he's looking down on you smiling! :)

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  7. Does your family have some major trust issues Eli?

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  8. Yeah I'd have to say your folks have anything I've ever experienced beat. My favorite work prank was when I worked for a bank. The old style mouse for your computer had the roller ball. I watched a girl climb both over and under her desk trying to figure out what was wrong with her mouse. Meanwhile the whole tech team was hiding around the corner laughing. They had put a piece of scotch tape on the roller ball so it wouldn't roll. A lazor would do the same if you covered the lazor eye on the mouse with a little thing of paper. The other one I heard from these same evil hackers was, popping all the keys off a keyboard of a two fingered typist and rearranging them, unless they have the keyboard fairly well memorized, they'll wonder why all they can type is jibberish

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  9. I know it's simple, but one year my brother taped the sprayer on the sink so that it would spray you when you turned the sink on. Simple, yet effective. And even funnier when my mom didn't get all the tape off and got sprayed a second time.

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    1. My brother did that every April fool's starting around ten years old and my mom always fell for it. Then sometimes she would be sneaky and leave it on for the "next person", but just ended up getting herself again....

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    2. I did that once but with a rubber band instead of tape. Unfortunately my plan backfired when it missed my mom and sprayed me while I was eating breakfast.

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  10. I'm pretty sure you grew up in an insane asylum. If not, I'm surprised you don't get regular psychological help.

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  11. Did you know it takes about 35,000 post-it notes to cover a Ford Escape? I didn't either, but I do now. April 1st is my birthday so my "friends", and I use the term lightly, always make sure it is a day I won't forget. I walked out yesterday morning to a very brightly post-it note covered vehicle. As I was pulling them off I realized that they had more fun in store for me, the inside was completely filled with balloons. Needless to say I was a bit late to work, but laughed the whole way there!

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    1. You have Awesome friends! Happy belated Birthday!

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    2. Haha! I've seen the same with cotton balls dipped in water! Love overboard car pranks:P

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    3. @Aleceeya Last year a bunch of seniors at my high-school did that to one of the English teachers as their senior prank. Turns out she has an irrational fear of cotton balls and wouldn't go near her car until they cleaned it all off. She tells us she's still in therapy over it.

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  12. Once at work I went into Word and set the auto correct function so that everytime he typed his name it changed it to Mr. Cranky Pants.

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    1. Now that is funny! I need to remember that for my husband's laptop.

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  13. My sister and brother convinced me one Easter morning that I was dead. They somehow cued one another and my brother started to cry (real tears, it was very convincing). When my sister asked him what was wrong he said, "I just miss Jessie so much, I wish she was still here." I was like, "I'm right here guys! I'm sitting right here!" They just kept ignoring me and telling each other how much they missed me and recalling memories. I began to realize by their reactions, so sincere to my 7 year old brain that I was, in fact, dead. I ran screaming in to my parent's asking why I was dead and how it happened. They were grounded for weeks. >:)

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  14. I once with the help of a friend wrapped my ballet directors truck in flagging tape which isnt sticky so it didnt ruin anything. But I mean it was COMpLETELY wrapped! Hahaha it was great!

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    1. Saran wrap also wraps cars remarkably well... especially when you layer it over some form of embarassing photos!

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  15. You could always actually hurt yourself, or a cat... Or buy a cat.

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  16. Hahhahahahhaa....All that stuff about your Father is correct but, Eli! WHERE DO YOU GET THAT STUFF ABOUT ME?! Complete nonsense! Brother!! Your Nona was pretty good at April Fools Day though. Some of my best memories and yours too - apparently. :) I will be at Nona's in a few days and I will read this post to her. She will LOVE it. OK...over and out....Your mommy loves and misses you....you little snuggly bear! XoxoxoXoXo. Cathie (aka Mom) XoxoXoXo :) :)

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    1. Love this! "Eli, is your mama gonna kiss ya?" Hahahaha! That just came to mind after reading Mom's comment! Can't wait to see you in about a week!

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  17. Chicken bouillon cubes in the shower head?

    Cordless, battery powered alarm clock set for 4 am, in his vent. Imagine you're tired and out of it, the last of your crazy alien rat dream still lingering, and the alarm goes off and you have no idea from where. Finally, 40 minutes later, you have the mind to find a screwdriver and take it out of the vent.

    Fake a mission call? Ha, what a joke.

    Then there's this... https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/549888_435488899872731_1775219893_n.jpg

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  18. I have hated AFD since I was about seven and my mom came rushing into my room at around 5 a.m.—"Girls you are going to be late! The bus is almost here!" and then as we frantically rushed around trying to wake up and get ready, retired to the hallway laughing because it was Saturday to boot. Grrrr. . . . I must have no sense of humor. But growing up with your mom. . . . Man, I would have slit my wrists for real. I always enjoy the NPR joke stories. That's my speed of AFD.

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  19. My older sister and I waited for my little 5 year old brother to wake up and then proceeded to ecstatically proclaim what a miracle it was that he had finally woken up from his 6 month coma. My parents were out of town, so he believed up for the entire day. Needless to say we were grounded and my brother was forever psychologically scarred.

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    1. This is brilliant, and much in the same vein as what I posted up top.

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  20. I love it that your mom still calls you "snuggly bear".

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  21. The best AFD joke we ever successfully pulled was because my Dad was paranoid. I don't know why, it's not like we were always pranking you or anything like that... Anyway, April Fools Day comes around, and my Dad reaches into the cupboard to pull out the tupperware of sugar for his godawful cereal. When we saw him pulling out the salt, we said "No Dad, that's the salt!" in our best AFD voices. He laughed, and told us, "Haha. April Fools." We continued to loudly protest, as he heaped spoonful after spoonful onto his cereal and poured the milk and then took a nice big, salty bite. Ahhh, precious.
    Anyway, my advice is that no prank is going to work unless you find something he is afraid of. After all, he's not afraid of bad eggs, snakes, or anything sane like that. Try something harmless - like a sweater.

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  22. I made some fake parking tickets using some letterhead I created on publisher. It really freaked out my co-workers, and it was awesome!

    Yesterday my step son poured soap all over the shower floor then pointed the shower head so that when I would turn the water on to rinse out the tub it sprayed me in the face.

    Courtney Curtis

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  23. Hahahahahaha! I like your sisters. They sound like my kind of people!

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    1. Thanks Karen! I'm one of the sisters! :)

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  24. Oreos with creme filling removed and replaced with toothpaste- minty! :(

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  25. Like your grandma, we like to make chocolate-covered ickies: hominy, lima beans, etc... but, you could sew the legs of all daniel's pants shut at the bottom, buy a cream filled doughnut and replace the filling with mayo. i talked my sister into putting salt on her hubby's toothbrush last year.

    i think the best prank was the head in your room on your birthday. such a funny video. you should post it again.

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  26. When I was little, a week before AFD I went out really early, grabbed the paper, and noted the order then put it back. That night I stole the paper, put it together, and hid it. I glued April 1 over the date in matching font and then on AFD I switched it with the real paper. After a while I heard, " Tgis sounds really familiar..." They figured it out cuz I didn't replace the date on all the sections lol.

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  27. When you sleep, you sweat ever so lightly. Now this prank won't work if they have dark colored sheets. However, if they have light colored sheets, you sprinkle them ever so slightly with powdered sugar. In they morning your victim wakes up looking and feeling like a glazed doughnut.

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    1. I'm glad I caught you on this. I'll have to confiscate the powdered sugar. And make scones... :)

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  28. Please watch my video so I can receive a scholarship. Each view counts as one vote, and any help is appreciated, Thanks! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eT-R6f22Tak

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  29. Some of these comments make me actually wish I got more involved in April Fools Day. I haven't since college--hard to live with people after you've taped their cereal boxes, or rearranged their stuff.
    Although, since you're really good at using Daniel's clothes and such, maybe you could get a few friends/peers in on having a kind of "Freaky Friday" where you identity theft him instead of just clothes-theft. They call you Daniel, you take over his job/calling, and they call him Eli and try to get him to go into your work and such.

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  30. Oh how I miss Bob and Cathie. I wish I could have witnessed these stories. I remember being at your house when Bob would prank call your poor elderly neighbor.... Still a great memory!

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  31. OMG. I just read this, and I am considering calling Child Services on your parents. Seriously, why didn't you just go stay a week at a friend's house every year for April fool's? I would have been TERRIFIED to stay home!

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  32. I took an air horn and put a new label on it that I'd peeled off an air freshener can. Then I put it in the women's bathroom at the bank where my husband works. I chose the women's bathroom because I thought the guys would A). Recognize that it was an air horn, or B). Not use air freshener.

    Sure enough, in the middle of the afternoon, there was a sonic blast that filled the bank, alerting everyone that the person in the bathroom stunk it up enough that it required a masking scent. I hadn't told my husband that I'd put it there and they blamed him. Double bonus!!

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