Tuesday, May 14, 2013

ANTS!

Ants. Everywhere. And I know what you're thinking. We are NOT dirty people. And yes, I have been working out. Thanks for the kind thoughts. I'm totally blushing.

Our apartment is clean! Sure we leave crumbs out all over the floor and we don't put food away and we leave all of our windows and doors open most of the time, but otherwise, we are very clean and orderly. We cannot figure out for the life of us why we suddenly have so many ants in the apartment.

They started appearing about two weeks ago and they march in lines all over the place. Up walls. Across the ceiling. In the bathroom. In the kitchen. A few days ago I spent the better part of an hour killing them with my bare hands.

And I'm not going to lie; it was empowering. And I feel like I got a taste for it and now it's basically all I want to do all day.

In response to all of the ant-advocate hate mail that will be flooding my inbox tomorrow: I kill ants. And I'm proud of it. NOT ALL THINGS DESERVE TO LIVE. Take the television program "Glee" for example.

We have some ant killer spray but someone hasn't let me use it recently because "IT'S NOT A TOY AND IT'S NOT FUNNY WHEN YOU SPRAY PEOPLE IN THE FACE WITH IT!"

Seriously. Daniel needs to go to "take a joke" school. He's still upset over that whole pushing him down the stairs while he was holding a knife thing. I didn't invent April Fool's Day, Daniel.

Last night the ant situation got so bad that I was finally permitted to undertake fumigation duties, but only after a very strict set of rules were communicated at me. Then Daniel went into his bedroom and shut the door.

I sprayed around the edges of the front door and in one place in the bathroom in hopes that I caught the entry points of the ants. Then I went to Daniel's bedroom and the following conversation happened.

Eli: Let it be known that the Great Ant Genocide of 2013 has begun. And you HAVE to hear this one! H--

Daniel: Wait. Where did you spray?

Eli: I just sprayed all of the places where we least want ants to dwell.

Daniel: Well I guess that's good. And did you air things out?

Eli: As well as I could. It's hard to air out the inside of the cupboards and pantry.

Daniel: WHY WOULD THOSE PLACES NEED TO BE AIRED OUT?!

Eli: Because I opened the pantry and cupboards and just sprayed the ant killer all over all of our food. That way they can't get into it and ruin everything.

Daniel: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! HOW CAN A GROWN MAN MAKE THE CHOICES THAT YOU MAKE! SOMETIMES I WONDER IF--

Eli: Jeez. Calm down Mr. Crankypants. I'm just kidding.

Daniel: ARE YOU?!

Eli: Yes. I didn't spray the food down.

Daniel: Eli, this isn't one of those things where it's better not to get caught. I need you to just be really honest with me. I won't be mad. Did you spray inside the cupboards?

Eli: You "promise" you won't be mad?! You just yelled at me!

Daniel: FINE. I WILL BE MAD. DID YOU SPRAY INSIDE THE CUPBOARDS?!

Eli: NO. What kind of a person do you think I am?!

Daniel: Well . . . I know you're smart. But sometimes I worry about your life choices and I don't always have faith in your street smarts.

Eli: Well EXCUSE ME Mr. I think it's ok to leave deviled eggs in the car for five hours on a hot day and then serve them to other people!

Daniel: Well excuse ME Mr. I think the best way to make it look like I haven't wet myself is to splash more water on my pants to "cover up" [finger quotes] the wet spots!

Eli: Ok, Mr. let's pour applesauce over baked chicken and serve it to the guests we've invited over for dinner because it looks gourmet!

Daniel: Right after you, Mr. I found out that eggs aren't a dairy product when I was TWENTY-THREE years old!

Eli: Well at least I didn't sign up for a laser hair removal treatment thinking it was going to be a full body massage!

Daniel: At least I don't get naked for full body massages when I'm supposed to be clothed!

[30 seconds of silence]

Daniel: We're not stupid people, are we?

Eli: I don't think so.

Daniel: Smart people have the occasional lapse in judgment, right?

Eli: I'm sure they do. We do a lot of things right, too.

I went to bed after that, satisfied that we had resolved our initial dispute, whatever it was. The next morning I heard Daniel scream from the kitchen,

Daniel: MY CEREAL TASTES LIKE ANT KILLER!

Eli: It does not! You're being paranoid!

Daniel: If I die, I'm going to kill you!

Eli: Oh you're welcome, by the way, for killing all of the ants!

Daniel: And at what cost!?

Eli: Hey, I just remembered what I came into your room to tell you last night! How many ants can live in an apartment?!

Daniel: No.

Eli: TENANTS!!!! HAHAHAHA! GET IT!? TEN ANTS!!! BUT IT'S THE WORD "TENANTS" AND--

Daniel: I need to move off of this island. Your jokes are starting to become funny to me.

~It Just Gets Stranger

31 comments:

  1. Maybe you should just put all your food in the middle of one room, just like a food-mountain, so the ants are all on food mountain living their lives and you can just lock the door and live your life.
    Well, you will lose a room, but I could imagine that killing ants with the hand is a time and a life killer. ;D

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  2. Really clever to put www.aaa.de in the URL line without checking before. xD

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  3. OMG Eli your adventures with Daniel always have me giggling! Thanks for the laugh!

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  4. This is too good... Y'all never cease to make my day.

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  5. I really surprised that neither of you worked 'twice up the barrel' in there.

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  6. if you need a more natural cure, ants HATE cinnamon. Sticks, ground, whatever. At least American ants do - who knows what mutated island ants hate.

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  7. Eli, I love that we have a mutual hatred for Glee. That show needs to rot in hell!

    ~V&J

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  8. My hubby & I had ANT problems for MONTHS! Could not get rid of them. A friend told me to try Terro drops. It totally worked! I even used them outside & haven't seen ants in a weeks. Hope they don't come back! PS. your blog is hysterical!

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  9. Am I the only one who starts every morning off reading this blog and then usually spends the next several hours thinking about it and smiling about what I read? This is maybe the healthiest addiction I've ever had.

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    1. You are not the only one. I check in every morning too.

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  10. Ants are marvelous creatures. That does not stop me from crushing them every chance I get. Applesauce tastes great with pork chops, so why not baked chicken? And although I know eggs aren't dairy, why do they put them in the dairy section at the grocery store? Why not with the chicken?

    What do you call an ant that likes to be alone? IndependANT!

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    1. I work in a grocery store and the only thing I can guess is there might be some cross contamination issues keeping the eggs with raw meats. I'll have to ask the dairy manager now and find out. :-)

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    2. I think they put eggs and milk together at the grocery store because they require the same type of cold storage.

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  11. ... wait... eggs ... aren't a dairy product?

    Have you thought of training your ants? You could travel the world with your ant circus or your Cirque du Formicidae (technically Formicidae isn't French. Ant in french is Ant. so dumb). You could also train them to steal picnic baskets and fruit or have you own minuscule army. OH! You could use the ant army as body guards for the circus, then when the unsuspecting fools come in to watch the thief ants steal their picnic baskets!

    I've seen it on at least 3 cartoons and whatever works on those works in real life.

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  12. ANTS! I hate ants, they get in all of your delicious western food. We got a rat proof/ant proof (but not host family proof) box for our western food. I had friends who had to put a stool in cups of water and put her food on the stool. I've also heard chalk works really well, they won't cross the chalk lines. Someone needs to tell the maker of the food pyramid that eggs aren't dairy, seriously.

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  13. Sorry about the ants, but onto me because I'm self-centered. I love you guys so much. I have never tried so hard not to laugh out loud in my entire life. I mean it didn't work of course because how could it? You're freaking hilarious. But I put a LOT of effort into it. And still everyone in the silent as a grave library thinks I'm absolutely bonkers. Ah well, twice up the barrel once down the side. Show those ants who's boss.

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  14. Ants are the WORST. I would way rather eat ant-spray-tainted cereal than have ants crawling around all over me. Seriously.

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  15. For future reference, and in case of emergencies, Swiffer DUST & SHINE multi-surface spray incapacitates the ants long enough for you to wipe them up into a paper towel and dispose of properly.

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  16. Favorite part: "I need to move off this island. Your jokes are starting to become funny to me." Made my day. . .haha

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  17. EGGS AREN'T DAIRY??? What food group are they then? Fruit of chicken? I'm so confused... My life will never be the same...

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    1. "Fruit of chicken"?!?! That is so gross and I am totally using that! Thanks!

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  18. You & Daniel are sounding like a married couple. Too funny.

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  19. I hate ants, but this cracked me up. We had an ant problem in the past and were told by that ants are actually looking for moisture/water, it has nothing to do with your cleanliness. Although, if you feed them by leaving the crumbs on your floor they won't ever want to move out.

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  20. I find that Deep Woods Off! works really well for repelling ants. My sister complains when I spray it in the kitchen that it will contaminate the food. I don't spray it ON the food! I always think when she complains about food contamination that we spray this stuff on our bodies so how is it any more toxic absorbed through the skin than eaten? Of course it may just be the taste she doesn't like. (I have to say, I prefer the flavor of Off! to any of the Raid repellents!)

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  21. Love this one I am laughing so hard that my kids woke up! :)

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  22. Tip!

    The best way (in my opinion) to kill ants is to mix 1 cup of warm water with 1/2 cup of sugar, and 2 tablespoons of Borax. Then soak the Borax mixture up with cotton balls and place those cotton balls near any trails the ants have established in your home. Feeding frenzy... tomorrow they'll be gone.

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  23. I think there must be some global, annual, mass gathering of the ants or maybe they're getting all energized for something big, because there are ants here in our house too! All types; big ones, small ones, red ones, black ones, brown ones, tiny ones and so on. And they are on everything! In all the sweet stuff and even on the meats! It so bad, that when I see a tiny one crawling around on the laptop or a book or desk, I just squish it with my fingers (not stopping to think about how cold-blooded I am!) So yeah, Eli, what you did was okay. But did you really spray the foodstuff? :D
    P.S. I like the 'back and forth' and how you two question your maturity and level of judgement. And that joke was actually funny!

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  24. Baking soda=best ant deterrent.

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  25. My friend introduced me to your blog a couple days ago and I have to say I enjoy your humor in your writing. I like to read your blog for a quick laugh and it reminds me of my journey teaching abroad, which is still happening as I type this. Being in another country is quite different, but I believe it makes life more interesting. I am following your blog now and reading your past posts when I have free-time. Here is my blog: http://katsmanyadventures.blogspot.com/ if you are ever bored.

    Kat

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  26. Haha I love how there is an ad for ant killer on the side now

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