Thursday, May 2, 2013

Emailing Kaylee



Yesterday I got the following email from my very dramatic 9-year-old niece Kaylee, the oldest daughter of my sister, Krisanda:


Dear Eli,

This is Kaylee. We put our for sale sign up and I don't know how to feel. It is pretty scary but I am trying my hardest to go along with it but it seems really hard. Who knows what will become of my life. Well I have to go but please respond and help me out and tell me how you feel about it.

Thanks,

Kaylee

HELP




My sister and brother-in-law are moving themselves and their 4 adorable children basically down the street to a larger home. This will affect the lives of the kids in almost no way. I forwarded the message on to Daniel and asked for his help to respond to it. Together we came up with the following options.

_______________________________________


Dear Kaylee,

OH NO!!! Everything is going to change for the worst and nobody is ever going to be happy ever again! Please email me back and tell me how you feel about this. HURRY!

Eli


_______________________________________
 

Kaylee,

This move is just step one in the process of your whole family falling apart. Please don't contact me again.

Eli


_______________________________________
 

I'm sorry . . . but who is this?


_______________________________________


Kaylee,

Do your parents know you're aware of this!? I was under the impression they were just going to move and leave you there. How did you find out?

Eli


_______________________________________


Kaylee,

Your mom told me that one of the rooms in your new house is just going to be full of princess dresses. She promised this. Tell your sisters.

Eli


_______________________________________
 

Kaylee,

I hear you're moving to the rough part of town. Do you know how to use an automatic weapon?

Eli


_______________________________________


Kaylee,

There has been a huge misunderstanding! Your FAMILY isn't moving. YOU are. They are going to stay in the same great house! Hope that clears things up! Love you!

Eli


_______________________________________


Kaylee,

There are only three things you need to know in life.

1. Math.
2. Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky in morning, sailors take warning.
3. God takes care of the rest.

Eli


_______________________________________


[Note: Daniel wrote this one out himself. It was sort of depressing to read.]

Geez Kaylee. How about some perspective? You don't even know what a problem is. I have no idea whether I'm going to have a job in three months, or if I'll have to move in with my parents, or if I can maintain a relationship with anyone for more than a few minutes, or if I can freaking finish an Ironman race. How about you answer those questions and then I'll get back to you about your problem which is actually a PRETTY DAMN GREAT situation for you since you'll probably get a nicer room and not be living in the basement without windows anymore!

Eli

_______________________________________


Ultimately I sent her this:


Kaylee,

I was 7 years old when we moved to the house that Grandma and Grandpa live in now. I was a little scared too because I knew I was going to miss my friends and because the unknown can feel a little scary sometimes. But it ended up being a really good thing. I'm sure you will be just fine. A girl as smart and sweet and kind as you can figure out how to be happy no matter where you are as long as you keep trying. Plus, no matter where you go, your family and friends love you and that's what matters most.

Love,

Eli

I went with a message of comfort, a variation of which I have had to share with myself many times, even recently. What can I say? I'm gaining self-control in my old age.

~It Just Gets Stranger

16 comments:

  1. This is hilarious/sweet. Kaylee sounds like a younger version of me...

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  2. O.M.G. Freaking awesome post! I laughed sooooo hard. When you're done with Daniel, can I borrow him? I promise there are no spiders in my house....

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  3. My 4th grader is in his 3rd elementary school, in the 3rd state we've lived in in the past 4 years (we are a military family).
    No worries, Kaylee, you are made of stonger stuff! Changes more often than not make us more adaptable, resilient, and empathetic... you will be so proud of yourself down the road. (You too Eli and Daniel!)

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  4. I would have gone with the princess dresses. My nephews will do anything for a princess dress.

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    1. It's true. Her nephews are awesome.

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  5. Eli, every little kid should have an uncle as loving and kind as you. If we all got these messages of hope when we're 9, maybe we could just all get along...

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  6. You are a freaking gem and a half. I have a ring and a yacht. Marry me.

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  7. Those are all pretty good ones. But the one you sent was really sweet. And wise. It's like you're a grown up or something.

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  8. Oh I love you Eli! I am 48 years old and I try to use self-control AT LEAST 50% of the time. It is hard isn't it? Thanks for giving me a smile!

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  9. Would you please be my uncle?

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  10. Eli exactly how many proposals have you & Daniel recieved on stranger? You should keep a running tally & turn it into a competition. Every comments section has at least one girl asking to marry you or Daniel.

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    Replies
    1. This is an awesome idea! Winner gets a chicken dinner! "Winner, winner, chicken dinner"

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  11. It's so sweet that she wrote to you for help. :)

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  12. Why does it seem like 90% of the girls' posts on this website are either, "Aww..." or "Will you marry me?"

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  13. I would NOT have been able to resist sending at least one of the first 8 possible responses you came up with. Those are golden. I was laughing so much my coworkers were peering over the cell walls - er, cubicles at me.

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