Wednesday, May 22, 2013

NOTHING WORSE THAN THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED EVER!

I NEED EVERYONE'S UNDIVIDED ATTENTION WHILE I HAVE A MAJOR ONLINE FREAK OUT AND MELTDOWN IN EPIC PROPORTIONS.

No. Put down that cat and turn off the tv. I mean it. I need your FULL attention. I'll wait.

Now you all know that I don't like to exaggerate and I certainly don't want to overreact here because if there's one thing I hate it's when someone overreacts. But guys. Last night the most HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!

Ok, so that goes maybe a little too far. Maybe this isn't the worst thing ever. Because I know that some bad stuff has happened in the history of the world. Like Justin Bieber, for example. BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST NIGHT IS ALMOST AS BAD AS JUSTIN BIEBER!

I seriously cannot use big enough words to describe for you exactly how traumatized I am today. And as you read this story, I need to you keep in mind that you are reading the words of a completely crazed and terrified human being who doesn't know whom to turn to or where to go in this great time of horror and tragedy.

The evening started out innocently. Dinner with a few friends. They were acting suspiciously but I didn't catch on that something was happening. The next thing I knew, they had made up some excuse for why I needed to go into someone's apartment after dinner. So I did, and a small surprise birthday party awaited me inside.

I know, guys. My birthday was like four days ago. It's ok that I had a birthday party yesterday. It's not cheating. Now you know that you are welcome to give me a surprise birthday party with cheesecake any day of the year.

The party was really nice and I felt very loved.

It ended. We left and stopped by my office to gather piles of clothes that had collected there so I could take them home.

Everything seemed to be going so well. It was like all of the things that have gone wrong in my life recently didn't really matter anymore because I had friends who loved me and threw me a birthday party several days after my birthday. I felt like life was taking a turn for the better. Nothing could completely ruin my night and whole life and perception of existence, surely.

Daniel and I walked up the hill to the apartment and I had a smile on my face the whole time.

We got to the door and Daniel opened it because I'm not allowed to have a key anymore and plus my hands were full with all of the clothes we had picked up.

He walked in and flicked the light on, and suddenly, the most terrible awful horrible terrifying thing caught my attention.

There was a long trail of chocolate cake crumbs from the window to the garbage can in the kitchen. Then I saw it: a hole the size of a baseball had been EATEN through the screen.

I stood outside, clutching the pile of clothes in my arms, refusing to enter the apartment.

Eli: What is this?! What happened here?!

Daniel: I . . . I don't know. Do you think . . . do you think a rat ate through the screen and broke in?

Eli: Ooooohhhhh myyyyyyy gooooooosh oh my gosh OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH NO NO NO NO NO NO PLEASE NO NO NO NO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WE HAVE TO MOVE RIGHT NOW LEAVE EVERYTHING LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniel: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME THINK FOR A MINUTE!!!

I knew Daniel was greatly stressed at this point because he is morally opposed to the word "shut up." One time he found out that I quoted him as saying "shut up" on Stranger and he demanded that I take it down. So I pretended like I was doing just that but I had already turned my computer off so I was just fake-typing and saying under my breath "ok . . . delete . . . hmmm . . . what's another way of saying 'shut up' . . . how about 'please be quiet' . . . ok . . . and POST . . . and . . . done." But really I never changed it. Because of laziness.

Daniel went to the window and noticed that there was fur left all over the screen. And when he announced this I felt my spirit attempt to tear itself from my body. And my body was like, "uh-uh. Nope. You are NOT leaving me motionless in this mess." So it didn't work. Plus my spirit would miss ice cream too much so it could never really leave. Ice cream is the reason I probably won't ever die.

We finally talked ourselves into some calm rational thought and decided that the best thing to do would be to burn the apartment complex to the ground with everyone in it and have the president declare marshal law on the entire equatorial Pacific.

Here's the thing, everyone. These aren't just typical run-of-the-mill rats from Hell. These are mutant freak rats that have been promoted as supervisors on the night shift over the other rats from Hell.

We see them every time we take the garbage out because there are somewhere around 14 million of them hanging out at the dumpster down the hill. They are the size of cats and they have shark teeth. Like, the rows of teeth just how sharks have them. And their eyes are bright red and their tails are as thick as a tree and as long as Daniel's femurs.

An actual true picture that hasn't been altered in any way of what we came home to last night.

And the thought that one of those was in MY house is so unbelievably violating and horrific and I'm just going to say it once and for all:

I HATE ANIMALS. WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THEM ON THE EARTH!?! Humans and animals should not live on this planet together! One of us needs to go! I propose that it should be them because their category includes snakes and snakes shouldn't exist. They just shouldn't.

I'll make an exception for sea turtles. Because I think sea turtles might be magical and I love them with every fiber of my being. Humans and Sea turtles can all live on this planet together. BUT THAT'S IT. All the rest of them need to go!

This break-in discovery was so traumatic that I didn't even have time to wonder who the HELL threw away a piece of chocolate cake in the first place! A tragedy in and of itself! Daniel had made the most delicious chocolate cake for my birthday and I was certain that none of it had been wasted.

We started cleaning the place up. The perfect trail of cake crumbs showed that the rat had jumped up onto the chair below the window in order to get back up to the hole that it had eaten through the screen to get back outside. The thought of it doing this is still giving me the heeby jeebies. If I wasn't so morally opposed to drinking, I would make sure to become completely plastered for the remainder of 2013.

Once we had over-sanitized everything in the apartment, Daniel said the most frightening words I've ever heard come out of another person's mouth.

"What if it's still in the apartment?"

Without another thought, we were both outside, running around in circles, shaking each of our limbs as though it might have been on us.

We spent the next half hour wandering through the apartment and checking every possible place for any sign of a rat. Eventually we put a piece of chocolate cake in a sealed bag and stuck it out on the balcony as a test.

We woke up this morning to find the bag completely torn to pieces.

I'm looking into having a skin transplant right after my lobotomy.

On the drive to work this morning, Daniel was trying to be positive:

Daniel: On the bright side, this experience means that my chocolate cake is so good that rats are willing to eat through walls to get to it!

Eli: It was a screen, Daniel. Don't be dramatic.




How can rats even jump that high!?!?

~It Just Gets Stranger

62 comments:

  1. Oh. My. Gosh.

    This is a new IJGS best. I am laughing so hard. Those pictures! Just Oh my gosh. What I would have paid to see you two discover this (on video. I don't want to be anywhere near your place).

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  2. You just made me laugh--and cry--at work. Thank you.

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  3. I seriously cannot believe how funny this is. Sharing this now . . .

    Please just write all the time for my benefit.

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  4. Right after work. 3.00 pm. The title- I thought it was a s****! Hope the rat's 'fully' gone now. Next time, hope you actually see it, and then screeeam at the top of your voices; that's how we ensured another rat never came to our house again. It worked.
    And yes, I agree- s****s, ants and rats have to go! at least only the s-guys! Even today, I had an over-reaction because a colleague did an S thing with her hands!

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  5. Geez Louise X infinity! I was waiting for Southwest online check-in and had 4 minutes to go so I thought I had time to read your hysteria filled blog post and still get good seats at check-in... wrong-O. My staring at that creature picture you copied from some tabloid pushed me to A26... gahhhhhh

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  6. Now, I really don't want to freak you out or anything, but I'm definitely thinking of the ROUS from the Princess Bride.

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    1. THAT IS WHAT I WAS IMAGINING TOOOO!!!!

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    2. Me too :) I was actually surprised that the hole in the screen was so small.

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  7. This must be the greatest thing ever written. I am laughing so hard!

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  8. Sharing this with everyone I know in 5, 4, 3, . . .

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  9. That is almost as bad as Justin Bieber, please note this is coming from a Canadian... although I think the rat has a better personality.

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  10. yeah, daniel. don't be dramatic. jeez.

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  11. I'd offer to bring cheesecake. Cheesecake cures all ills. But I'm afraid the ROUS would be cured, too. Should I lace it with poison, perhaps?

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  12. Most animals are more afraid of you than you are of them. Except those that break in to your house and eat your food. Pretty sure they are just out to get you.

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  13. My gosh, how terrifying!! RODENTS OF UNUSUAL SIZE?? THEY DO EXIST!!!

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  14. I would think this was funny but I'm moving to the PHILIPPINES in a month and I would bet money that the rats are just as huge... AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Terrifying. I don't think Noah did his job properly...

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  15. I see the Queen of Colors lurking in the background...OF COURSE, she is behind this whole thing! ~T

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  16. Kim from the MittenMay 22, 2013 at 7:45 AM

    I feel your pain. I once woke up with a rat IN.MY.BED. Seriously. I was staying at my friends Great-Aunt's home in Florida, which had been vacant for about a year, dreaming of Edward James Olmos and woke to one moving around by my head. I knocked it off and screamed so loud a woman three houses down heard me.
    Suffice to say I am scarred for life.

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    Replies
    1. Wow! And I thought it was traumatic when a cat jumped into my bed last night (I don't own a cat and I live alone). But now I feel like my story falls completely flat

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  17. You know it could have been the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I bet they like cake.

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  18. That is horrific!! I can relate to that violated feeling! I once worked at a place that had mice problems. One unsuspecting night I went to the fridge to grab my dinner and when I opened it, a mouse ran across the inside of the fridge!! I screamed bloody murder!! I used to be so paranoid that a mouse would come into my purse so I would literally beat it to a pulp before I would leave. I can't even imagine that happening in my own home!!

    I hope you find the healing and peace you need!

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  19. ABOMINATION!

    Burn it to the ground. Then ride away on the back of a majestic sea turtle with the flames of glory at your back and the Hamster Dance Song in your ear.

    It's the official song of burning villages... I looked it up.

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  20. Eli, I want you to know horrific creatures are all over. Look up "Camel Spiders." When my husband was in basic training, they spent a lot of time discussing these spiders... they numb you, so you wake up and could be missing a leg. No joke. And I'm pretty sure he said they run real fast too.
    For real, you wanna sh*t your pants? Look them up.

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  21. OH MY HELL!

    Funniest story ever!!!

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  22. Your reaction was certainly not uncalled for. Actually, I've done something similar when a palmetto bug had found its way into my bedroom and tried to get me. Having a panic attack as I called my mother demanding that she packed all my stuff up (as I was getting ready to leave for work) and put it all into the other bedroom. I was moving that weekend anyway, but I told her I can be outta there the next day; I didn't care. But a rat, especially a Palauan rat, is just very abnormal.

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  23. I want a t-shirt with that rat picture please.

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  24. Ha ha ha ha I had rats like that in my laundry room (which is detached from my house) and yes, they are giant and terrifying and... I can tell you how they got up to the window... because I watched them in my laundry room and they actually crawled up the wall... no lie... they are monsters.

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  25. Just so you know, most rats only need a hole big enough for their head (teeth) to get through and they're in.

    Sleep well, Eli.

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    Replies
    1. True, true, true. I once witnessed with my own eyes how a nasty rat come out from the edge of the stairs at my parents house, and the hole was so small I was shocked.

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  26. Oh and Eli, as much as you joke about cats, you should probably actually have one, as it would keep all the creatures away!

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  27. Ewww...that is horrible. Any type of rat or mouse is awful. Burning the place down seems the best option to me. :)

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  28. I would never sleep again.

    On another note - my sister-in-law woke up one night and felt like something was pulling her hair. She was afraid to move her head so she just glanced up and saw a mouse CHEWING ON HER HAIR.

    I no longer visit her.

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  29. I was sitting on a tree-surrounding bench at Walt Disney World waiting for the Electrical Parade to come by and a rat came up out of the middle of the bench, by the tree trunk, and went running around, brushed up against some lady's arm. Not good. Everyone went screaming running around. Kind of ironic, waiting to see a mouse and saw a rat instead.

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  30. At least he didn't bring his snake friend? Sorry, that's the best I've got comfort wise.

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  31. I can only begin to understand the horror you and Daniel have undergone. Closest experience for me was around 10 years ago, but it's still fresh in my mind. It was around 11pm and I was alone in my one bedroom apartment when a flying cockroach first made its appearance. (A story for another day, but my older brother made me deathly afraid of these hideous creatures. I seriously don't understand why God created them. If anyone has any reasonable explanation, please share.) My weapon of choice, hairspray. I figured that if anything, at least its wings would stick together.

    It was about 10 minutes of spraying, swatting and dodging this B-52 creature with its spiked legs before it finally landed. It retreated to the small gap under under my sliding door and the metal frame. Victory was near but not certain - I've personally experience these virtually indestructible creature coming back to life so I had to be sure of its death. I slid the door back and forth a few times but nothing was found. I tried blowing it out with my hairdryer, poking a stick through the gap & sliding the door back a forth a few more times but it stayed where it was.

    It was late and I wanted to go to sleep. I could close my bedroom door, but I had to know of it's whereabouts and if would come back for its revenge on another day. I decided to close and lock the sliding door and sprinkle some baby powder where it had crawled in. If it was still alive, I'd see its tracks and know that I would need to stay vigilant for its next attack.

    Woke up the next morning, no tracks. Opened the sliding door and found it stiff and crunchy.

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  32. oh my...just noticed who was lurking in the background of that pic.

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  33. When I was a kid a rat chewed through the floor and invaded our house. We found droppings ON MY BED. My dad was tearing the house apart trying to find the rat and my mom was doing laundry. She picked up a pile of clothes on the floor and heard a THUMP when she put them in the washer. THE RAT WAS IN THE CLOTHES THAT SHE PICKED UP. Needless to say, the rat was done away with. But for that couple of days when we knew it was in the house but couldn't find it I was terrified. When I would go to the bathroom, my mom would scratch on the door and freak me out. She also put fake plastic rats in my bed """BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY"""

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  34. I would never sleep again

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  35. The Q of C in the first picture makes my whole life complete.

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  36. loads of rat poison around the dumpster down the road may be worth it.

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  37. An exterminator once gave me a pamphlet of "rat facts". They are disgustingly amazing creatures. They can indeed climb a vertical wall, squeeze those big fat bodies through a hole the size of a quarter, and SWIM A MILE, UPSTREAM, THROUGH A SEWER LINE AND COME OUT IN YOUR TOILET!!! That's just wrong. I think the only thing that could survive a nuclear bomb are rats and cockroaches.

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  38. Came over here from the KSL article about your blog today. I've read your stuff for about 2 hours now. This blog has some of the best humor writing I've seen in years. Keep it up! You're going places, I think. It will be fun to watch that happen.

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  39. Dear Eli, Thank you for the cake. It was delicious. What's on the menu tomorrow? Hope it's something good or else my friends and I just might have to come back for a visit. Luv, Mutant Freak Rat
    PS. Cats are for sissies

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    1. O.O
      (runs away as quickly as possible)

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  40. Yeah, I'm with you...BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!!

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  41. Just shower in bleach, wear rubber boots at all times, use the buddy system for when nature calls, and always carry a netted garbage can to make a cage trap if it sneaks up on you. And avoid couch cushions and pants, as rats love to hide in both :/ Only 5 more months. You can do it!

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  42. In PE the bleachers are always folded up there I a little bit of space in between each row. I was just minding my own buisness when I see this giant rat with evil red eyes running at lightning speed across the bleachers. I was so freaked! I asked some of my friends if they saw it and they just stared at me like I was crazy. There backs were facing the bleachers so right when I was in the midde of a sentence the rat runs across the bleacher and stares at me. The rat spoke no words but I knew its message. Don't say another word. When my friends turn around to see what I was staring at since I stopped talking in the middle of my sentence the rat was gone. I have never been so scared of an animal in my life before.

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  43. Aha. So Eli. It is time to give in. Join us. ME. You know you wanna. OW. Just embrace your inner cat lady and set her free and we'll take care of the wee beasties aka mutant rats.

    She Who Dances With Cats

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  44. You have completely derailed all my plans to come and stalk you and Daniel. 1. Heat 2. Heat 3. Giant rats that eat through walls 4. Heat 5. Giant rats in the heat. You are just going to miss out on being stalked by me. Your loss. PS I thought for sure when I read the title of this post that either Daniel went through with his friend divorce or a snake got you. I'm glad it was neither. Not that the rat is any better.

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  45. Saw this today and thought of you: http://getinspiredgetfit.com/picture/24/20-weird-facts/ - scroll down to the 20th fact.

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  46. Salvar is one of the worlds top hair loss expert, he personally spent years as a hair loss sufferer from a early age looking for ways to counter his ever thinning frontal hairline and has since then used his own personal journey to help other hair loss sufferers.  Salvar has experienced with all types of hair loss medication and treatments before he finally had a hair transplant.

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  47. Chocolate cake - loaded with rat bait.

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  48. Ew ew ew ew ew! Ick! I'm squirming right now and I keep hearing funny sounds in the corner of my office.

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  49. hahaha Utah people are spoiled. Try living your entire life in Florida and in the Carribean islands... ICKY huh!!??

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  50. the picture of the rat reminded me of the Wilddeoren from Merlin...anyone else? thinking about the tv show made this story slightly less horrifying.

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    1. MERLIN!!!!!!!!! I love Merlin, and yes, it DOES look like a Wilddeoren! :)

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    2. MERLIN!!!!!!!!! I love Merlin, and yes, it DOES look like a Wilddeoren! :)

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  51. I think when the rat visits next (yes, I said WHEN not IF), it's going to go something like this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOv5ZjAOpC8

    I haven't decided if you will be Wesley or Buttercup...

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  52. Ever seen a possum.. ? ? ?

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  53. Wow.. you people are weak... rats come in because they smell food.. just clean up after yourselves or give offerings outside (i.e. make a scrap box out of a trashcan left outside). Animals were here before humans, and will likely be here long after we nuke ourselves to extinction... Lord Jesus, help us...

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