Thursday, May 23, 2013

THE WORST UPDATE EVER!!!

First of all, Stranger was surprisingly in the news today! And the first part of this article totally makes it sound like I was arrested.

Should we be worried when something from Stranger is considered "newsworthy?"

Anyway, I have the MOST TERRIBLE UPDATE OF ALL TIME!!!

So some of you may have read yesterday's post. And if you did, you might have noticed that I got a little carried away about things. And I may have proposed some violent solutions to what is most definitely the WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THINGS THAT HAVE EVER HAPPENED.

After I posted that, with the pictures that some have criticized as "inaccurate" and "false" and "absurd" and "impossible" and "Eli needs to start seeing all of the therapists in the world as soon as possible," I got to thinking that maybe I had overreacted.


Not to diminish the problem. Because, guys. A FREAKING RAT FROM HELL BROKE INTO MY HOME AND LICKED EVERYTHING AND HAD BABIES ALL OVER THE FURNITURE. Probably. I'm not sure that it did all of those things. But see, that's the problem! I don't know what it did because it had completed its job before I even got home.

So yesterday the landlord came by and put in a new screen and we got most of the chocolate cake out of the house and I thought ALL of the healthy things you're supposed to think after a tragedy about let's just put this all behind us and keep living our lives and the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun, etc.

But it was all forced, because I didn't really feel those things. What I felt was despair. And instead of Annie the orphan, all I could hear was Anne Hathaway singing "I Dreamed a Dream" and I suddenly felt like I was a French prostitute on the brink of starvation. And then I thought of all the ways I would have added my personal touch if I had been cast in that role and then I was like, "NONSENSE! I'm not skinny enough for a role like that! Thanks a lot, food and laziness!"

I thought the best thing to do to help me get into a better place emotionally would be to leave the apartment for the evening. So that's what we did. We had an activity with the kids last night. Then on the way home, this happened:

Eli: Do we have to go home?

Daniel: You don't want to go home?

Eli: No. Can't we just go somewhere else.

Daniel: Like where?

Eli: Um. I don't know. Anywhere really. Like, I don't know, maybe, for example, like, oh I just thought of one place! What about the airport?

Daniel: Why would we go there?

Eli: To fly away and never ever come back to this part of the world ever again unless it's in a fighter jet and and we have come here to destroy the nation.

Daniel: Eli. Is this still about the rat?

Eli: He has a name!

Daniel: Oh? What is it?

Eli: Leotrix, duh.

Daniel: Ugh. Ok. So is this about Leotrix?

Eli: You don't need to use finger quotes when you say Leotrix's name. He's real, Daniel. And yes, this is about him. I don't want to live here anymore because of Leotrix. This island is too small for both of us.

Daniel: Eli, we have to just keep living our lives. We can't let . . . Leotrix control us.

Eli: Well . . . I guess as long as we keep the windows shut while we're away, it should be ok.

Daniel: Yeah, oh good. I'm glad you remembered to shut them tonight.

Eli: Excuse me? I thought you shut them.

**Ten seconds of terrified silence**

Daniel & Eli: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WHAT IF IT GOT BACK IN WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!

We got to the apartment a few minutes later and saw, to our horror, that Leotrix had returned with a fierce vengeance and had eaten a hole through the new screen. And he must have been pissed because the chocolate cake was gone because Daniel didn't save him a piece.

Pandemonium struck again and I no longer felt like I had overreacted yesterday.

If anything I had UNDERREACTED. Because HELLO! LEOTRIX IS NOT GOING AWAY!

Then Daniel came up with what is probably the most productive but WORST plan either of us has suggested. He filled a large water bottle with cake and water and stuck it outside with the intention of letting Leotrix get in and drown. He said he was going to sleep in the front room and keep watch throughout the night. I made DAMN sure he was aware that he was completely alone in this.

Eli: I want to make DAMN sure that you understand that you are completely alone in this.

Daniel: Why?

Eli: Daniel. What are you going to do if this plan actually works?

Daniel: What do you mean?

Eli: If Leotrix really drowns in that water bottle, are you really going to go out and gather it up in the morning?

Five seconds later Daniel went outside and brought the bottle back into the apartment and began cleaning it out.

So instead of trying to take matters into our own hands, I called the landlady again and I swear to you, this was our exact conversation:

Eli:  Hi Joy. Thanks so much for replacing the screen yesterday! The new screen looks great!

Joy: Uh-oi (This "word" is Palauan. It means every possible thing. It's the laziest word of all time and I never know what is being communicated at me when it is said. I always assume I'm being complimented.)

Eli: Thanks! That's so nice of you! Actually, I'm calling to inform you that Leo--uh--the rat came back and ate the new screen.

Joy: Uh-oi.

Eli: You're too kind! So . . .

Joy: Rat?

Eli: Yes. It keeps eating our things. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE ANY CHOCOLATE CAKE OUT FOR IT!

Joy: Uh-oi.

Eli: Oh stop! Also I'm pretty sure it used tape to hang up a bunch of stuff and that's why some of the paint has been ripped from the walls.

So today when I got to the office and very calmly explained to my friend Brian that Leotrix had returned, he suggested that we retaliate and go to Leotrix's home and take something of his. So that's exactly what Daniel I tried to do today after work. We went to the dumpster area to take some trash. But we got freaked out when we saw this.

This is the outside of the garbage area.

This is looking into the garbage area.

~It Just Gets Stranger

38 comments:

  1. Get that water bottle back out there and man up!

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  2. Is Leotrix male or female? And how do you know what it's named?

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    Replies
    1. It had babies everywhere, it must be female! DUH :)

      Delete
    2. HI MOLLY!

      And it COULD be a hermaphrodite. It could explain how it had a baby alone. Unless Leotrix ate the husband....

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    3. You know, with seahorses it's the male that carries and "gives birth" to the offspring so... You never know...

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    4. "All in all, I have to say that Palau is a pretty awesome place to move to, if you're looking for a change. Even though Leotrix and HIS family live here." Seems you must be right.

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    5. Leotrix refuses to get defined by genders.

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  3. We had 3 snakes loose in the house (not pets). We caught probably upwards of 20 snakes under our stove. Thankfully we found out that was how they were getting in the house. That was all in one summer. After that, an occasional snake outside barely bothers you. Scares you, but isn't quite the same as having your house invaded. I feel for you.

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    Replies
    1. It's official. THIS is the WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THINGS THAT HAVE EVER HAPPENED. Sorry, Eli, Anna wins. Or loses. Yeah, I think loses is more appropriate.

      Now excuse me while I go and find some mind bleach.

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    2. Seriously, how is Anna still managing to function in society after such a horrific life event? I just...I can't even...Mind Bleach, it is. Make it a double.

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    3. To me, that would warrant:
      Move
      Buy ALL new things
      Burn the house to the ground

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    4. Did you live in Idaho...where there was an enormous snake's nest under the house and the snakes were in all the walls, the attic, the plumbing etc. The people tried to sell the house but couldn't. hmmmmm the dad had to get out of bed each morning and clear the floor of snakes before the mom and kids could/would get out of bed. I believe they burned that house to the ground.They finally left.It was a big news story. Horrific!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    5. Yes, somehow I did survive. I was more than ready to move, but thankfully there have been no snakes in the house after that summer.

      I remember reading that article in Idaho about the same time we had the snake problem. Really made me thankful I wasn't living in that house.

      (And the reason for our snakes is we did a remodel after a partial fire (see, burning the house doesn't prevent rodents/snakes). Some of them moved in the crawl space while we had some fixing going on. )

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    6. Wow I like that solution, burn the house down and walk away. It seems like the only way to win that war. *shudder*

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  4. blah! you're giving me the gibblies!

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  5. When you do trap it, you better put a ring on it!

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    Replies
    1. I kind of hope you mean a bell...I'm pretty sure Eli and Leotrix (E-trix?) would not make a very happy couple. Although, maybe Eli is into previously impregnated rats from Hell. He wouldn't even have to give her a key, she could just scurry through the hole in the screen to visit him during the night. Which is convenient because Eli still isn't trusted with keys to the apartment.

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  6. Sorry we keep missing each other. Heard you dropped by with a friend. Next time leave a note (with some cake) and we can arrange to meet up.
    Leotrix
    PS. Love what you've done with the place!

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    Replies
    1. Say Yes to the JessMay 23, 2013 at 9:00 AM

      HAHAHAHA

      I read this blog every day and have yet to comment, but this person needs to know that gave me quite the chuckle.

      Delete
  7. Be like Geoffrey from Game of Thrones. "Pay the debt" (get vengeance... kill it)!!

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  8. I feel your pain. Once when I was sleeping,I suddenly felt something in my hair and I was like, "Dang cat, get off my bed and out of my hair!" and then "Wait . . . I don't have a cat!" I sat up straight in bed and screamed as this horrifying little rodent scurried out of my bed (and my HAIR!) and back to his evil domain in the air ducts. Thankfully, my landlord took care of the devil's spawn who lived in my air ducts but I was forever scarred by the incident.

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  9. Holy double hockey sticks!!!!! Son.....that is as close as I get to swearing...except for that time I threw that Christmas mug in your direction. :) But let's not bring that up. ;) Anyhoo....call the POLICE, call the SWAT TEAM, CALL the CDC (Center for Disease Control). You need them! Put bars on your windows - close together - like sheets of iron - maybe that will help. Rodents always return to the scene of the crime and usually find a way back in.... I would not be able to sleep. Have a good day. Cathie (Mom) XoxoxoxoXoxo

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  10. You are a hysterical, over reacting bunch. But.....sooooooo.....funny......!!!! Laughed my head off on this one. But I feel for you!

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  11. I'm still laughing about not being skinny enough to be a french prostitute. In a college art class I had a professor critique my drawing by saying "It looks like something a crack whore would draw and try to sell on a street corner" I got offended and asked "Do you think I'm a crack whore?" And he said "Don't be ridiculous, of course not, you're not nearly skinny enough". Thanks, I think? :/

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  12. Natural predators desperately needed! A cat, a dog, or a coyote. Or all 3?

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  13. Eli, it was bad enough that I already read yesterday's post this morning, but now there is definitely something making noises under my desk.

    Yikes! Something just brushed past my leg! Oh, never mind. It was just my other leg.

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  14. Remember when Daniel snapped at the sassy girl in the teen group? I think she's behind this...

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, why else would she have grinned after Daniel's remarks?

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  15. What if Loetrix never really left the apartment and chewed his way out last night??????!!?!?!!! You know what needs to be done Eli. He must be killed. He will not stop until he ruins your life.

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    Replies
    1. That is one of the most disturbing ideas I've ever heard. BURN IT TO THE GROUND!!!

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  16. Why hasn't Trixie eaten it yet?

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    Replies
    1. Trixy's friendMay 23, 2013 at 1:31 PM

      Okay, it's Trixy, not Trixie. But that's exactly what I was wondering, too. By now, she should have stepped in to help unless Eli has been neglecting her and she's getting revenge which wouldn't surprise me at all.

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  17. HIDE YO STUFF, HIDE YO DANIEL, HIDE YO SELF CUZ LEOTRIX INVADING ERRTHANG OUT HERR

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  18. I can't get over the willies enough to laugh at anything funny in this post. Eeeek! Please close your windows from now on! I feel your distress E.

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  19. I have waited a long time to comment to your blog...but seriously just move!!! This is never going to get better...just go now...packing right?
    I live with this with squirrels, they are just happy to get have gotten under your skin so just move now...Daniel, don't wait, just pack.LOL God willing Leotrix will not follow you....
    Gratuitous use of ....

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  20. Rat traps, rat poison, a live trap (so you'll get the pleasure of watching him die...after convincing someone else to kill him)....something needs to be done! My mom always said "snakes aren't born orphans or as an only child" and the same goes for rats! What if it's really a mama rat and a slew of ugly babies and she's teaching them to come into your apartment? Then when they mature they will bring their mates and babies! GET OUT OF THERE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

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