Monday, June 17, 2013

Emails With A Polygamist

One Stranger, Sarah, started getting spammed via email by an obnoxious man looking for extra wives. A google search of this guy revealed that he has gone to great lengths across the Internet to find new wives to claim as his property. Sarah gloriously messed with him for a bit and then passed his contact info on to me. Below is the polygamist's (AKA "Genius") email communication with one J. Snapple, in its entirety.

And for the record, while I tend to try to be merely annoying and not mean-spirited in these things, I don't feel bad for crossing the line slightly with this one.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Big Spender!

My friend Sarah contacted me and let me know that you may be in the market for some good ol' fashioned polygamy. I would be interested in negotiations for marrying. Are you guys still looking?

Please get back to me as soon as humanly possible.

J.



To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi

ys i m here to search for polygammy. ys i m intrested. if u r intrsted thn pls infom me. i have my one wife alredy.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I interested?!? Does a duck bathe in olive oil at a nuclear power plant?!

The only things you need to know about me are that I'm tall, thin, I have no opinions of my own about anything, I am very active in the Green Party, and I LOVE animals!!!!!! Like, LOVE LOVE LOVE them. My house is full of them as we speak. Some of them are even alive!

Also, my cat Trixy Meowman will need to come with me. We are a package deal. This is not up for negotiation. Trixy will need her own wing of the house, obviously.

Now I need to know more about you! Don't be shy! Tell me EVERYTHING! Leave nothing out!


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for now i have one wife but this is not enugh and she dos not meet all of the needs. i will like many wife for my polygammy. i am loking to marry soon as posible. cat is fine but wil live outside.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh HELL no, Trixy will not be living outside! I'm going to pretend you never said that. But you will not be warned again.

And you are SERIOUSLY going to have to do better than that!! I'm not going to get involved in this mess until I know what kind of polygamists you guys are. Do you even make your own butter?!

The last polygamous relationship I was involved in did not go well. Let's just say a few people were a liiiiiitle misleading about their sewing skills. So naturally, when they found out that I didn't, in fact, know how to turn curtains into floor-length long-sleeved turtle-neck dresses, I got kicked clean out of the compound. The only thing I could remember how to make from home ec were tube tops and car covers. But for the record, I don't apologize for how sexy I made our daughters look at the barn dance. Hal Garfield ended up taking like 17 of them home with him and the other families were so jealous that it STILL gets talked about at the Walmart in the next town over.

So, tell me, what skills do you bring to the table here?


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i m not making buter. u sew cloth and this wil be good for me. i am hoping that u will marry and there will b others. i have one wife alredy but it is imprtnt to have as many as posible. u wil need to objey orders and do as told but wil have a good life. it dosent mater wat i can do. i m the man and wil give orders.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG! I'm SOOOO happy you said that stuff about obeying orders and doing as I'm told. That is seriously what I'm the very best at. I mean, why else do you think they let me out of prison so early!? Every time they said to jump I was all like, "how high!?" And then one day a wall got bombed out and my cell mate was like, "run!" and I was all "peace, suckas!" And then I started a new life with Trixy and a tube of Chapstick.

Right after prison, I got a job doing infomercials selling that stuff that can seriously take rust off of ANYTHING. And one day while at work I got this thought, "why NOT polygamy?!" And suddenly I realized that I finally came to a conclusion on this that I could live with. Because in life EVERYBODY has to decide at some point whether polygamy is right for them. And for most people it's a really hard decision. But I guess I'm really lucky that it just doesn't seem like a hard decision anymore.


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what is this wit prison. u wil not be in prison? was this for polygamy? u have no more job? i wil be ready for marry if u r ready now.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh, not so fast, cowboy. I don't mean to be bridezilla or anything, but what about the wedding plans? I was thinking that we could get married in an 18-seater van. JUST HEAR ME OUT ON THIS. It would be really convenient because there is already seating and we could get away quickly if I'm spotted by the feds. NOT THAT I THINK THEY'RE STILL LOOKING FOR ME. But, you know.

Wedding colors: brown, orange, lylac, indigo, candy red, eggshell white, and hot pink. IMAGINE the bridesmaid dresses. Trixy will look stunning. I hope she doesn't take attention away from the bride!!! LOL!!!

Wedding song: let's say it at the same time. One, two, three, FRIENDS WITH P! Ha, I'm sure you chose the same.

Now, last thing. I need to know that your wife has agreed to this. I'm not going to come all the way out there unless I know that she really wants this.


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


it dosent mater wat she wants. she is wife and wil obey with wat i am said. i am ok wit wedding plans.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great! I can't wait! I've always wanted to be a brother husband! I can't believe you're letting me marry your wife! She is a lucky woman to have you and me as her husbands. How tall are you and how much do you weigh? Do you want to share clothes? Also, I think we should have secrets between the two of us. I'll go first: when I find chewed gum under park benches, I ALWAYS eat it. But only if nobody is looking. OMG I'M SO EMBARRASSED THAT I JUST TOLD YOU THAT! Your turn!


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

u wil not mary my wife! wat r u a man? i thot u wre a woman to mary me as my wife! u shud not hve contcted me if u r a man! my wife wil not marry more husband! she wil have only me for mary!


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You disappoint me, Genius. Trixy and I will find an absurdly oppressive life elsewhere.


To: Genius
From: Trixy Meowman
Subject: iounanoi;al'w/wqer

nvaoniwlm,.;lkwerijobjvk .nkvn.z,xiojzjio

~It Just Gets Stranger

50 comments:

  1. Brilliant. I choked on the line about Hal Garfield and Walmart. Thank you good sir.

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  2. Is it just me, or is "Genius" used extremely lightly here? Where did this loser learn to spell?!

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  4. Trixy in a veil=best thing since the Leotrix photos.

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  5. This man is sickening. What type of egotistical maniac calls himself genius? Expecting his wives to serve him! and he got upset when he thought that his wife would have more than one husband but he can have more than on wife.He is a creep and a hypocrite! Thank you so much Eli, for messing with him. I only wish you went further!

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  6. hahahahha I'm dying that it TOO funny. Eww, He is disgusting though! I can't believe some poor girl out there is married to him!!!! Keep on keepin' on!
    Dani

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  7. But is he interested in Trixy Meowman?

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  8. Hey, at least he was game with the wedding plans! And not to mention was still willing even after the whole "I escaped from prison" thing :D

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  9. I picture a huge, dirty, sweaty, hairy fellow sitting at his computer being completely baffled by your messages. Haha love this!

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  10. Hmm... I dnt thnk he spek the Englsh so good.

    I kind of feel bad for his current wife, though. You know that can't be a happy life she's living.

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    1. That's the depressing part of this . . .

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  11. Trixy's reply was the best part!

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  12. The entire time, I'm picturing that Russian guy from the Discover Card commercials....
    On a side note....that guy is disgusting. I hope he is caught in a sting op. yuck.

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  13. Have you ever wondered, with the wide spread popularity of Stranger if people are messing with you to get an awesome response and possibly end up on here? Or maybe "Jane" is e-mailing you all kinds of crazy stuff just to get back at you for all the Snuggie/wood-block nonsense. Wait... what are the chances it is The Queen of Colors OR Leotrix?! I'd say pretty high; typing all sinister like to you on YOUR computer.

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  15. "Brother Husbands" made. my. day.

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  16. I keep picturing Genius as Borat in his lime green swimsuit... also. He seems like such a man's man; with no use for vowels. He's obviously too busy doing manly things to write full sentences.

    Did he ever actually say his wife was human? I'm picturing one of those Japanese life size dolls; I've seen them on TLC "My Collection Obsession" AND the movie "Lars and the Real Girl". It's a thing. She'd be a great listener but she'd always win at staring contests. I'd hate that!! Frnllph would have been a lucky girl; who wouldn't want brother husbands?!?!? Frnllph seems like a name that Genius would have given his first bride. None of those useless vowels.

    Too bad you didn't get far enough to see whose last name you'll all take. Genius Meowman has a great ring to it.
    It really would have been a beautiful wedding... le sigh.

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    1. hahahahahaha. I loved your comment.

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  17. Bwahahahaha. I can't believe this guy. What a way to turn it around on him though! Perfect!

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  18. If you're friends with p well then you're friends with me! (saw them in concert, ha! )

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  19. I have a feeling if he gets any takers for more wives they will need to be prepared to leave the country, live in a harem and never have their faces seen again. I do not think this is some Kody Brown type polygamist but rather more along the lines of Kublai Khan. *shudders*

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  20. Hilarious-I'm at the hair dresser right now laughing like a complete idiot.

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  21. In all seriousness....no, really...

    This may also be a front for a human trafficking operation.

    I haz a sad.

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    Replies
    1. I'm starting to think so, too.

      Eli - do you think think you could report him to the police in his respective area? I don't know, I just feel really bad for his current wife, if there is one...

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  22. Why didn't he want to meet you? I mean, is it really okay to just get hitched without meeting someone first??? WHAT IF YOU WERE A SERIAL KILLER?

    Gah. Crazy old man.

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  23. This one made my insides hurt; first from complete disgust with this guy and what he does, and second from laughing.

    It's a shame you can't turn him in Eli, but aside from being the world's biggest tool, he's not guilty of anything yet with only "his one wife alredy". Ugh, Gross gross gross.

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  24. I'm actually kind of concerned that this guy is abusing his wife. If he's not like a robot or fifteen year old boy instead. Which by the way would be way better than this guy being a real person.

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    1. I know me too! I would hate for that to be happening.

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  25. This is the best. Please find more polygamists to mess with. Maybe you should publish his email here so we can all mess with him.

    And also, I applaud your choice of wedding song.

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  26. I don't think you crossed a line, in fact I think you showed restraint...or at least more restraint than I would have.

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  27. THat was the bestest. Love the twist at the end...too bad he didn't want to have a husband brother, you could have helped him with his stupid english. Peace suckas!

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  28. Ok, I don't read your blog very often, but that was hilarious. I also would be surprised if "Genius" actually had a real wife. I can't see him convincing someone to marry him with that snarky little attitude of his. He obviously hasn't watched enough episodes of Sister Wives to see how it is done. Maybe if he joined a tv show he could get multiple women to marry him. I would be happy to audition him for a tv series I am starting called "The Real Sister Wives of (fill in blank)." It will be similar to The Real Housewives series, but with polygamy of course. I've already started filming for the Salt Lake version, but we are looking for some more cast members.

    P.s. that cat picture. hahahahaha.

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  29. Oh my God. That was amazing.

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  30. 'Brother Husbands' made water come out of my nose I laughed so hard. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

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  31. Some of the animals are even alive... haha. I can't believe no one has noticed that one yet.

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  32. So disturbed by this guy... On the other hand, part of me can't help but wonder if Genius has a blog of his own where he messes with random people by asking them to join his "polygammy"

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  33. Oh the horror. I can't even decide if it's the polygamy or his spelling.

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  34. Should not have read this in the office. My coworker thinks I'm crazy. I'm laughing way too hard.

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  35. Oh My Hello!!! Peeing my pants!!! Too funny!!!

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  36. This made my whole week. But poor Trixy Meowman. Can't a cat get no respect? :'( Also my fav line: Does a duck bathe in olive oil at a nuclear power plant

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  37. Oh my gosh, that was great. I love your messing with strangers and i don`t think you went too far.

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  38. This doesn't cross the line at all! That guy totally had it coming.

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  39. Hello Eli. I can't say this is my favorite post because I have deep sympathy for this guy's current wife, unless she is on the same level as him, but he is surely the most necessary to have messed with. I have enjoyed reading your blog after I stumbled on it a few months ago. Since then I have shared it with others and referred back to it when I need a good laugh. Thanks for the chuckle now and then and keep up the good posts. This guy sure is a piece of work.

    LED 400 A. Anderson

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  40. hahaha, what a shallow hal, im sure hope his wife divorces him, it was a great twist at the end!

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  41. I decided to name my new kitten Daisy, but I think I will change it to Trixy Meowman now...

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  42. Pretty sure there are two trolls in this convo. AMAZING though.

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  43. I just got in trouble at work for laughing. This is amazing.

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