Monday, September 23, 2013

Housewife

Kurt is an ER nurse. When I try to picture him on the job, I usually see some mixture of General Hospital, Scrubs, and The Brady Bunch (because he gives off a strong Peter Brady vibe).

Because he's a nurse, he has nurse's schedule syndrome, meaning that he works 793 hour shifts and then has every day off until Christmas Eve 2045.

This is something I'll never understand about the work schedules of ER nurses. Does it seem to anyone else like nurses always seem to work erratically inconsistent and inconvenient schedules, insanely long shifts, and on every single holiday possible?

Kurt is hardly an exception to this. Sometimes he works a million hours in a row. Sometimes he has a million hours off in a row. The only consistent thing about his schedule is that he always comes home, makes some vague comment about how close he came to human poop in the last twelve hours, and then pops a handful of crackers or other finger foods into his mouth like he spent the day not coming close to human poop.


Today was one of those days Kurt had off for no good reason at all. When he doesn't work, I have absolutely no idea what he spends the day doing. NOT my laundry, in case you were wondering. I confronted him about this today when I slipped home for a quick lunch.

Eli: I can see that my laundry is still piled high.

Kurt: About that. Did your former roommates really, truly, do your laundry, or is that just an Eli-ism?

Eli: Have I ever exaggerated before?

Kurt: I really hope you have. Otherwise you pee your pants A LOT throughout the day whenever someone emails you.

I explained to Kurt that the laundry thing is actually NOT one of those "Eli-isms," and, in fact, my past roommates have done my laundry. This usually starts by me pretending to trip and "accidentally" drop my laundry into their basket, which they're carrying to the washing machine. Then I innocently say something like, "well, I guess since it's already mixed all together, you might as well just do it."

Then they do it from then on, because I tend to live with pushovers. On one occasion I had a current roommate call a former roommate to verify that he wasn't the first roommate to be conned into doing my laundry.

Current: Hey, I was just wondering something about whether Eli does his own laundry--

Former: No--that's your responsibility. You knew that before moving in, right? Also, you'll get used to the meowing. Just imagine that he's working on a part for a movie and it's less disconcerting.

Current: Uh . . . what meowing?

Former: Oh that hasn't happened yet? Uh . . . never mind.

After talking with Kurt, I wandered back to the office this afternoon, wondering how long it's going to take for him to suck it up and take on his new responsibility. I'm getting worried because it's been a few weeks and I'm totally out of clean clothes and have had to start wearing his when he isn't looking.

This evening I returned home to find Kurt and his friend Karalee. She was making him try on clothes and model for her throughout the apartment so she could take pictures. Kurt had made dinner and had it out waiting for me. He had also cleaned the apartment prior to engaging in the photography shenanigans with his friend, Ethel Mertz.

My life today felt exactly like an episode of I Love Lucy. Except way less comedic domestic abuse. Also, I don't know Spanish.

~It Just Gets Stranger

26 comments:

  1. You left us hanging, did he do your laundry or not?

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    1. That's what I was thinking. It felt like the story was incomplete. WE DEMAND RESTITUTION!

      But still a funny story.

      FYI...I think you're exaggerating just a tad on the hours he works. I'm pretty sure it's not a million hours. I'm thinking more like 900,000 hours. I mean, really...stop making stuff up. Psshhh.

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  2. Oh my gosh! I looooove Kurt. Kurt Kurt Kurt Kurt Kurt Kurt Kurt. The more I write his name the more I JUST ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM. We can play nurse anytime he's not working. I have been feeling a little sick lately *cough* *cough* and I think I need some Kurt.

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    1. I know, right? Kurt can take my vitals anytime he wants.

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  3. You win today Eli, no football tuesday. :(

    -Football Fan

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  4. Now when I think of Kurt I picture Gaylord Focker, and we Strangers are Pam's Dad. There's even a cat in there for you, Eli.

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    1. I have nipples Greg, can you milk me?

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    2. Hahaha! Best line ever. Did you watch New Girl tonight? Cats, nipples, I was waiting for DeNiro!

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  5. I truly hope you aren't referring to your "former" roomate Daniel!! You can at least have the decency to use the man's name! :)

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  6. So did he or did he not do your laundry? I'm thinking of using your tactics on my parents... and hoping i don't end up decapitated.

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  7. When you've worn all of your clothes and his clothes he will come around. Hang in there, Eli.

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  8. You should thank Karalee. Kurt cleaned up because she was coming over. Am I the only one who sees these? :-)

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  9. Do you really want him to do your laundry when his laundry has been exposed to various human secretions while he was at work?
    Think about it. At least make sure he seperates his scurbs out. Both my husband and I are nurses, I would never want my clothes mixed in with scrubs.

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  10. What's up with the in-text ads? Can't even geet through the post :(

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    1. I've been meaning to try to figure that out myself. I don't know where they came from. I wonder if I accidentally clicked on something on the Internets . . .

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    2. You probably did. Someone on the other side of the country probably has all your personal information now and is spending all your money on lottery tickets and cheese balls. You should really be more careful on the Internets Eli. It's super dangerous

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  11. Can you do a " let me fill you in on some stuff " post soon? Do you and Kurt have a history? Or are you newly friends?
    Are you liking your new job?
    Are you using a new hair gel?
    How are you adjusting to being home again?
    Can you teach my cat how to do the Mamba?
    There's so much to know

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    1. You're right. I've been so busy that I've neglected to tell you about some pretty big life changes. I'll "write" this wrong shortly!

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    2. That pun was atrocious. But I still laughed.

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  12. May I be the first to suggest that Kurt quit his job as a murse (male nurse) and you guys go to work at a chocolate shop akin to I Love Lucy?

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  13. I think Eli and Kurt should swap jobs for a day. Just for a Stranger post.

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  14. I'm just curious.....do your roommates get some kind of deal or lowered rent for doing your laundry?

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