Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Living in the Elevator

I've now been back from the Land of Coconuts for about a week and I'm very unfortunately still engaging in the never-ending process of collecting all of my countless things from every corner of the planet so I can . . . what? Hoard them in one place rather than spread them out over several?

Seriously. What is the point?

Sometimes I don't know why I have the stuff I do. And, look. This isn't one of those things where an incredibly fortunate and out of touch person is complaining that he has too many wonderful possessions. This is one of those things where an incredibly fortunate and out of touch person is complaining that he has too much garbage that he's too attached to toss and is now finding out that this problem is ruining his life. See the difference? (Hint: you say the latter one with a lisp)

Guys. I have cords to electronic devices that I haven't seen since 2006. I have t-shirts that accidentally ended up in my stuff from when I used a public drier freshman year of college and I've never had the heart to get rid of them because they've already experienced abandonment once and I just can't stand the thought. Receipts from things that I'm pretty sure I never even bought. Chap-stick someone once left in my car upside down so that it melted and re-hardened back in the lid. Etc.


The other day I came home and Kurt announced casually,

Kurt: I threw away a lot of your things while you were gone.

Eli: HOW COULD YOU!!! I NEED THEM!!! I NEED THEM BADLY!!! WHERE'S THE CITY DUMP!?

Kurt: You don't need them. You won't even know what I threw away because I didn't throw away anything that you could POSSIBLY miss.

Eli: This isn't going to work out. I need you to leave. But please leave all of your stuff.

Kurt: If I leave, you will be suffocated by your things. Is that what you want for your life?

Eli: Like, what things? My lamps? That rug I really like?! OHMYGOSH! MY SNUGGIES!?

Kurt: Is this normal behavior for you or are you just still jet-lagged?

Yesterday I went to my friend Anna's house to collect some pieces of furniture she had taken in for the year. I felt like the repo man extracting them from her home. I tried yelling things through the house like, "maybe if your parents paid their bills you wouldn't have to sit on the floor!" But nobody was home so the joke was kind of absorbed by silence.

When I got back to the apartment I called Kurt and asked him to come out and help me carry it in. We gathered the things by the elevator, two by two, with the intention of loading them all on in one trip.

I went back outside to get the last item while Kurt waited at the elevator. When I returned, I found this:


Kurt: [In possibly the world's worst British accent as the doors closed] Please, step into my home!

I think I'm going to get along with this one.

~It Just Gets Stranger

35 comments:

  1. Can you please tell Kurt that there's a Stranger out there (closer than you think) that wants to live in the elevator with him? Thanks.

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    1. Wow. That just got creepy.

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    2. Yeah... Why have the comments gotten so weird and creepy lately?

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    3. AGREED!!!!

      Pretty sure Eli isn't going to see your comments of "OMG I LOVE YOU" and say "you know, I think that girl is my soulmate, I should marry her". More than likely he thinks "holy crap, is that the Queen of Colors in disguise????"

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    4. I personally love the creepy comments. It's obvious that those people are not serious. They crack me up.

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    5. Lol i agree with her comment. :3 ;) aha and how do you kno i'm not the Queen of Colors in disguise??? ;) Mwahahahahahaha

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  2. I think this Kurt character Is already growing on me.

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  3. After getting a little tour of your new apartment, you did have an extraordinary amount of lamps in that space...just sayin'.

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  4. I feel like I never even stood a chance. :'( Daniel was perfection and Kurt is the next best thing!

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  5. Nice try. You can fabricate a great personality onto Kurt and take funny pics, but we still prefer Daniel. Team Daniel!!!!

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    1. Oh dear. This just turned frighteningly Twilight-esque.

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    2. We need T-shirts to show what side we are one.

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    3. Eh. Daniel was so last year. It was time for some fresh blood around here. No pun intended . . .

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    4. Yeah, it will be fun to see a whole new person respond to your craziness. I'm excited about the change. Keeping it fresh!

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  6. With all the creepy comments I've been seeing on here lately I'm sure you could sell some of your stuff to these particular "fans". Like you could sell strands of your hair, and used q-tips, and half eaten Ramon noodles. But then what If the same person bought all of the items and made their "VERY OWN ELI" duplicate?? On second thought, just burn all the crap you don't need.

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  7. Sounds like Kurt is a match made in spite of the Queen of Colors. Good for him for tossing the junk. Somebody had to do it.

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  8. Yes, you may keep Kurt. We like him.

    Those t-shirts have not experienced abandonment. They experienced theft. Abandonment will be a totally new experience for them and you're all about new experiences, right?

    That word has now lost all meaning, I used it so many times.

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  9. Kurt is the new roommate? I was heartbroken after Daniel left, but I see a chance that I may healer. He's a keeper!

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  10. Has Kurt read the blog lately?

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  11. Hilarious!! I have to comment on the first part of the post.....I once came home and was greeted by my husband saying almost the same thing. It lead to a knock down, LOUD, angry, curse filled fight which eventually ended with me digging through the trash can outside to retrieve some of the items he threw away. 20 years of marriage and it almost all ended because he dared to throw away some crappy tins from Christmas, hard as a rock Halloween candy, and a flower pot. When I saw what he had thrown away I realized what a gigantic mouse turd I had been but I still refuse to even comment or apologize for the horrific incident.

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  12. This post was pure joy to read. It's fun hearing about your life back in the U.S. again!

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  13. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you guys are going to be laughing a lot together.

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  14. I'll really miss Daniel, but I like Kurt already. He has my stamp of approval! :)

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  15. I think it would be fun to have a get together in Salt Lake at a cafe or something, and all of us Strangers can meet Kurt and welcome him to the Strangerdom with cat snuggies :)

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  16. Well that story took a twist. I was expecting Kurt to have chucked the stuff while you were gone.

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  17. I *guesss* Kurt's alright. But I feel like you should have Daniel call him and make him go through a series of tests before you give the positive yes.

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  18. I have to say that my wife would LOVE to throw out some of my crap. Like the T-shirts from different places that I have been that have NEVER been worn and I wouldnt fit into them anyway. They are under the bed and not bothering anyone, but she knows they are there and that is enough for her. Eli, I must admit that I have cords from electronic devises in boxes in my closet and I to do not know what they belong to. I might need them though so its better safe than sorry... RIGHT?

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  19. I was sad that Daniel wasn't your roomie anymore. Then I read this. I approve of Kurt, he may stay.

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  20. Kurt's SUPER sexy.

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