Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Wedding Planner Emails

A Stranger (David) emailed me a while back suggesting that I mess with a wedding planner. In the middle of my attempts, another Stranger (Jess) requested the same, directing me to a pretentious wedding planner with whom she had recently been in contact. I scouted out a few others online and attempted some different things. Most of them wouldn't take the bait. But a couple turned out nicely. Here's one of them:


To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!

I'm looking to plan a wedding but need SO much help because the bride is being BRIDEZILLA to the extreme and she won't listen to me anymore and I'm like just trying to do whatever I can to make it so that she has the wedding of my dreams because I probably won't ever have the wedding of my dreams and I don't even know where to start anymore. Do you do real weddings or just weddings in movies and birthday parties and stuff?


To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!

June, we do real weddings. we are in the busy season now and have limited availability but would be happy to give a consultation and find out if we would be a good fit. What wedding date are you looking at lets start there?


To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!

I guess we can do it whenevs. I was hoping for this weekend because I think the couple has been a little hanky panky (IYKWIM) recently and I'm really worried about them waiting any longer (I'm the bride's mother and basically the groom's adopted mother even though not legally and they both typically sleep at my house and it's just a really bad situation).


To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!

June, we are very limited on what we would be able to do in such a short timeframe. Some of it depends on what you hope to plan. We could help you schedule venue and could assist with food and decoration depending on what you want and how much time we have. If you could provide more detail, we could go from there.


To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!

Ok but I'll just give you the Reader's Digest version for now because this story is DRAMA!

So my daughter met the boy toy about three weeks ago and of course, like animals, they couldn't keep their paws off of each other. The boyfriend was homeless and I've got too big a heart to let that go on. So I was all like, "you can live here but no funny business!" The next thing I know he's got a bunch of other "lady friends" showing up around my place and leaving their pheromones all over everything while still making googly eyes at my daughter. So I finally just had it yesterday and I was like "GET MARRIED OR GET OUT." Because I'm not putting up with the immorality anymore and I think marriage will really help everyone involved settle down. What do they think this is? Gone with the Wind?


To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!

Wow that is not at all what i meant. I meant that you could provide more detail about the wedding, guest count, venue, date, and etc. Anyways though it sounds like a tough situation and i don't know if the wedding will happen under the circumstances you described anyway.


To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!

OMG I'M SO EMBARRASSED! I thought you wanted to know about the love story! I didn't realize this was all business!

We definitely want all of their friends to come. Probably 60 or 70. A lot of them live at my house, which is where we want to do the wedding, the reception, the wedding shower, and we would also be interested in having a winter equinox party here in a few months if you wouldn't mind maintaining the property until then.

The main thing that I have a SUPER strong opinion about is the wedding dress. I want something that says "sizzle" but still leaves some details to the imagination. Sexy. But not too sexy. This isn't Julie Andrews's wedding.

I'm SO excited to have you plan and officiate the wedding! I made a bunch of fliers announcing that you're doing it and I've been passing them around the neighborhood and posting them up and people seem so jealous.


To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!

June if your even serious we absolutely did not agree to plan the wedding and we don't officiate weddings anyway. Please do not pass around any more fliers. I really don't think we are a good fit for you. Good luck on the wedding.


To: Wedding Planner
From: June Snapple
Subject: Most Beautiful Wedding EVS!

You work on commission, right?

Big mistake. HUGE.


To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!

no. thank you. good luck.


To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!

My daughter, Trixy Meowman (AKA "catzilla") and Mr. Biggles will just have to take their business elsewhere.



To: June Snapple
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: Most beautiful Wedding EVS!

Why am i not surprised that your daughter is a cat?


To: Wedding Planner
From: Trixy Meowman
Subject: 0oiyha=[qw['aio

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To: Trixy Meowman
From: Wedding Planner
Subject: 0oiyha=[qw['aio

Hi trixy. your mom is crazy. good luck with mr. biggles.

~It Just Gets Stranger

28 comments:

  1. Nice "Pretty Woman" reference. Points for that. Also, I just threw my dog a birthday party so I don't feel like a cat wedding is that far-fetched. Better luck next time. :)

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  2. A wedding? Really? I didn't even know Kurt was dating anyone.

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  3. No I can't go to your cat's wedding you sick-o! ... My dog's birthday party is the same day.

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  4. HAHAHA My cat!
    I also said the "Pretty Woman" reference the way she did in the movie!

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  5. you're probably one of my favorite people that i don't even know...and generally, i don't even like the people i DO know...so, really, that's a pretty great accomplishment.

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  6. I love that she responded to your cat. Can you say weirdo!? :)

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  7. This crap just made my day!

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  8. The Gone with the Wind line (which makes no sense) made me spit out my drink.

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  9. I think the fact that she responded to the cat shows a great sense of humor :)

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    Replies
    1. ^^This :-)

      It always warms my heart when the folks you mess with are good sports in the end. Yeah, getting PO'ed would be more dramatic, but it's so much nicer to end on a good note.

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  10. Lol at the Pretty Woman reference. Is the correct plural spelling of flyer "fliers"? I thought it had a Y But maybe I've been doing it wrong my whole life like "thinking eggs were dairy" and such.

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    Replies
    1. That June Snapple never was very good at spelling.

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  11. Sooo this literally made me LOL aha nothing like laughin out loud in the middle of class :P

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  12. thank you for always using the name June Snapple.

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  13. This is the hardest I have laughed all week. Big mistake. HUGE.

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  14. Trixy taking her "business" elsewhere? Genius.

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  15. "Why am i not surprised that your daughter is a cat?"

    That was rude. What is she trying to imply? That only crazy people own cats? Just because I have my own room waiting for me at the lovely hospital down the road doesn't mean I'm crazy. I mean, my cats ARE my children. What is wrong with that? I'm not crazy.

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  16. Bless the hearts of anyone on the receiving end of your emails. Bless them for having a sense of humor about it.

    Also: don't stop this sort of tomfoolery.

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  17. "Wow that is not at all what I meant." Hahaha cracked me up!

    In other news, as a furloughed fed employee, I don't even have to worry about my job distracting me from reading your blog.... more, more please!

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  18. Oh, Lordy, what a laugh. I got a chuckle from my cat, Little Miss as well. She is now VERY UPSET that I have not planned her wedding yet...sigh..children these days...

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  19. I bet she would have been more than willing to help if you told her the wedding was going to be featured on Animal Planet's new series "Holy Meowtrimony."

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  20. AH ELI! Thank you for doing that! That was certainly everything i had hoped it to be :) You are once again brilliant....and such a snappy dresser.

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  21. Hilarious! So glad I stumbled across your blog. Going back and reading your older posts is going to make my workday go by so much quicker :)

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