Thursday, December 5, 2013

My Phone is Vulgar

I have a new "what the kids are doing" to tell you about. There's this thing that some phones can do that I'm pretty sure is powered by the devil himself. I don't even know if it has a name. But basically the way it works is you push this button on your phone and then talk and the phone types what you said. It's lazy texting. But I think every time you use it you sell a piece of your soul.

I have sold a lot of my soul because I use it a LOT. And it's surprisingly usually pretty accurate. I can speak quickly, quietly, slowly, with a slur, in an accent, meow, etc. and it almost always types out exactly what I've said.

Once you finish speaking you have to hit the button again to let it know you're done. Then it thinks for a few seconds and then presents all the text. Sometimes it thinks for a while before doing anything. This doesn't bother me because I just think I probably caught it at a bad time. Like, maybe it was in the middle of something really important like T.V.

On occasion it will think for a while and then spit out text that is not at all what I said. This is usually entertaining. And this is what happened last week when I tried to reply to an email from Val.

Val works on the floor below me, but for a different company. We are both very pleased that this creates a sexual harassment loophole because we sort of work "together" but since we work for different companies, one supreme HR can't freak out at us for any inappropriate behavior directed at one another.

Every afternoon we get together for a quick walk so we can argue about The Good Wife, which we both religiously watch and consider practically a member of our families. We refer to these walks as "Vali," a combination of our names.

Last week Val emailed me to ask me when we were going to do Vali that day. I was at the gym at the time so I responded on my phone and tried to use this devil-voice function.

What I spoke into my phone: I'm at the gym now. Give me about an hour. I need to run up to my office and do something really fast and then I should be ready. I'll text you then. Ok?

[Processing, processing, processing, processing, processing]

What my phone spit out:



I'm sure it meant female dogs.

~It Just Gets Stranger

19 comments:

  1. This made me laugh so hard. Thank you!

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  2. Thank you for a much needed laugh this morning!!

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  3. It's because you have T-mobile.

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  4. OH MY GOSH. I read this during class and laughed so hard and everyone looked at me.

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  5. Classic! I have the same fun using predictive voice texting option thingy.

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  6. I can see where that translates

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  7. Dude, I swear my phone sometimes just repeats song lyrics.

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  8. Hmmmm,so you go to the gym and then go for a walk all while at work?????

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    1. I have a nice flexible schedule. Note, however, that I get to the office at about 5:30 AM.

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  9. Well maybe I have more of a Texas accent than I think I do, because Siri is often confused by what I said. Or maybe I talk too fast. I don't know what the issue is, but when I ask her a question or tell her to do something, she's golden, but when I ask her to translate a large chunk of words, she just likes to make up random things. Example: My brother texts me "Tell Siri to flip a coin." I am driving and my mom reads the message to me. I push the home button to talk to Siri and tell her to flip a coin. She does. We continue asking her to flip a coin for awhile, each time coming up on heads. So I tell Siri to text my brother. She asks me what I want to say. I say "Does she always say heads?" Siri: "Ready to send it?" Me: "Yes." My brother texts back "Who is Betsy?" Siri has translated "Does she always say heads?" to "Betsy always say heads?" I just do not understand....

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  10. And the very best of all is singing to it and seeing what it comes up with.

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  11. Speaking of weird translation errors - When I try to translate with Bing or Google translate, I don't know how many Korean words translate into the F-word but I swear half the time it's in every translation. It also randomly instead of actually translating the words there just has blah, blah, blah in sections of the translation...I'm not kidding! The more Korean I learn, the funnier the computer generated English translations are. I'm sure I found Eli's text funnier knowing what he was trying to say than Val did when she first got the text without explanation.

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  12. Bridge, were did you get that Val was female? Eli was very meticulous about not revealing gender...Hmmm?!

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    1. Um, I guess bridge assumed that, since the name at the top of the dialogue box is "Valerie." I don't know any guys named Valerie, so I made the same assumption.

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  13. I love The Good Wife! Yes, that is what I took from this post.

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  14. My extended family refers to all smart phones as "devil boxes." I use the term so much that all my friends now accept it as a normal noun.

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  15. Sounds like your phone just didn't feel like translating that message. I swear, the smarter phones get, the more selfish they become.

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  16. The only thing that scares me more than a robot apocalypse is the idea of a monkey apocalypse.

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  17. I'd just like to take a moment to appreciate that the subject of the text is "VALI!!!! EMERGENCY VALI!..." You were not joking about how seriously you take your relationship with The Good Wife.

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