Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Other Idiots on the Road

On Saturday we had our annual family adult Christmas outing. Wait. That sounds wrong. That sounds like my family once a year engages in x-rated Christmas festivities.

You know what I mean. The adults get together and have an evening in December where nobody is having to scream, "STOP BITING YOUR SISTER" the entire time. Well, they have to scream it less anyway. Guys, I'm only 29. You can't expect me to be completely well-behaved.

As you can imagine, adult Christmas outing is a wonderful thing.

There are eight adults in my family, which is the exact number of seats in my sister Krisanda's gigantic Mormon assault vehicle that she and my brother-in-law use to drive around their four adorable children. So we all rode together.


My family is not known for impressive driving and navigation skills. Bob holds his own just fine. You could plop him down, blind-folded, on the backside of the moon, and somehow he would be pulling into the driveway of his house twenty minutes later without ever having to turn on the GPS. My brother-in-law, Jeff, is the same way. But the rest of us take after Cathie, whom I have seen on more than one occasion THIS YEAR ALONE turn the wrong way onto a one-way street. THAT SHE HAS BEEN DRIVING ON FOR FORTY YEARS SINCE SHE FIRST MOVED TO SALT LAKE CITY.

So it really didn't make sense that my sister Krisanda was the designated driver for our evening festivities. And it made even less sense that Cathie decided to become the world's worst back-seat driver during our venture.

The entire way Cathie kept calling to the front of the car things like, "slow down," "switch lanes," and "sweety, did you just learn how to drive yesterday?"

Because Cathie frequently yelled out conflicting and totally incorrect instructions, the rest of the car started piping in and yelling over the top of each other, telling an overwhelmed Krisanda what to do. The yelling climaxed when everyone in the car was screaming at her to get into the left lane or else we would miss our turn.

Krisanda didn't listen and we ended up going the wrong way. After everyone dramatically expressed their frustration that she wasn't listening to what we were telling her to do, she blurted out, "EVERYONE IS YELLING AT ME AT ONCE! I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN HERE!"

It got quiet for a minute and then Cathie, always trying to deflate a tense situation, sweetly offered, "it's ok, dear. You have done a really good job getting us to this spot. It's the wrong spot. But you did a good job getting us here."

Stifled laughter could be heard throughout the car. Then we noticed the car in front of us had apparently made the same mistake and was making a U-turn.

Cathie helpfully explained, "and see!? Look, Krisanda! There are other idiots on the road, too!"

Cathie. You already earned a Tellin' Like It Is award a long time ago. You don't need to try so hard.

~It Just Gets Stranger

19 comments:

  1. I really wish someone would follow your mom around and document a day in her life. I. LOVE. HER.

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    1. I second this. From the bottom of my heart.

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  2. Actually I think I would pay Cathie to just wander around with me all day and dish out commentary on my life.

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  3. Don't worry, Eli. My brothers and I are all in our 40s and at any of our family gatherings you can still hear the phrase "He started it!" Because he did. I was minding my own business and then he started it. You might occasionally hear the phrase "She started it!" but that is a blatant lie! I was minding my own business. Really.

    I love Cathie.

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    1. So true. I feel like when adults get together with their siblings there's sort of a natural tendency to resort back to teenage tendencies.

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  4. "gigantic Mormon assault vehicle" is one of the best phrases I've ever heard!

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  5. About a month ago mom said to me: "You should really think about going back to college. If you get fired, I don't know who would hire you."

    Thanks for your faith in me mom. Lol! I love our mom!

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    1. Please let's not talk about being "fired"! Degrees help though!

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  6. Cathy must have graduated from the same parenting school as my mother, who was heard saying things like, "You're not pretty, but you're cute." To her teenage daughter. Then again, once when seeing a car at a stop light driven by a man who had his German Shepherd dog in the front seat next to him, concluded the poor man must be blind and had a seeing eye dog.
    Treasure your Cathy moments!

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    1. Oh gosh, that's totally something my mom said! I was like... thanks?

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  7. Eli, remember when you were in high school and mom was driving you to cross country practice in the pitch dark at 4 A.M. IN THE MORNING and you said, "MOM, Pick a lane, any lane, JUST PICK A LANE!!!" and she said...."It's OK sweety, no one else is on the road......!" hahhahha

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  8. This world needs more Cathie.

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    1. This blog needs more Cathie.

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  9. Thanks Eli. Now everyone thinks I drive a gigantic van.......I don't.

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    1. Not really. I took 'gigantic Mormon assault vehicle' to mean one of those impossibly sized SUVs, like a Suburban or a Tahoe.

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  10. LMAO this is a million times more funny when you're buzzed! It's already super funny when you're sober but dear God the visualizations when you're buzzed are awesome!

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  11. "and see!? Look, Krisanda! There are other idiots on the road, too!" ... my favorite quip! reminds me of the time I went to watch men's college volleyball with my cousin and she turns to our male friend and asks, "if you were a guy, would feel comfortable wearing similar aloha-print shorts?"

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  12. Sounds exactly like my family and every outing we venture on, not to mention any family dinner. :)

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