Wednesday, March 19, 2014

State of the Union, Spring

About six months ago I moved back from Palau to the United States of God Bless America. And when I did, I had a hard time updating you all on the millions of life changes that happened at once AND keep talking about how Trixy Meowman's most recent grooming went. I got a bunch of questions at the time from Strangers who were starting to feel like my general and consistent story-telling was reaching the nonsensical level of Glee. So I finally did a post called "State of the Union" to give you a quick answers to some of your questions.

I realized recently as I glanced back through the past couple of months on Stranger that while I have posted regularly, there are some pretty significant life changes that I have failed to discuss. As a result, you guys aren't completely aware of absolutely everything that I'm doing all of the time always. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE FUNCTIONING!

So, here you go. The spring edition of the State of the Union.

1. You have mentioned the name Brandt a few times. Who the HELL does he think he is and why is he ruining our lives?!

Blurry image lazily stolen from Facebook.
Somehow I completely forgot to introduce you. And you should know who Brandt is because you will probably be hearing a lot about him in the coming months. Brandt and I met a few months ago through a mutual friend and for reasons we now don't understand and really resent, we decided to train for the Ironman together. Now we can be found any time of any day complaining while swimming in a pool, riding bikes, or running.

I'm happy I met Brandt because he's very funny. But the one downside is that he unequivocally has better hair than me. He has Disney prince hair. And I can't compete with that. I believe I will probably shave his head when he isn't looking. But until then, I'm going to need you all to compliment my hair MUCH more vigorously than you have been.

2. What's the deal with this whole Ironman business?

Well. First of all, I hate it. I hate all of it. It is a terrible experience, just like I remember from last time. But I'm also very proud of myself and I'm such an inspiration, etc. But I'm like an inspiration with a terrible attitude. The Ironman will take place in Tahoe in September. But Brandt, who is more responsible than me, thought that we should compete in a half Ironman before the real deal. So, because of peer pressure, I signed up for the half Ironman race in St. George, Utah, which will take place in May. I'm already having anxiety attacks at the prospect of swimming in that lake again.

I had set a goal in my early 20s to complete an Ironman by age 30. Well, I turn 30 in May (WHAT THE CRAP HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?!). So I've spent the last year trying to convince people that the goal all along was actually to complete an Ironman AT 30. So going to Tahoe is September is right on schedule. But Brandt recently informed me that since I did half of an Ironman last time before getting disqualified, and since I'll be doing a half Ironman right before my 30th birthday, this equals one full Ironman which means I totally accomplished my goal and I should get to eat as much ice cream as possible right now!

And I realized in that moment that I loved Brandt with every fiber of my being. Then he flipped his Disney prince hair and I went back to resenting him and thinking he was the worst person I know.

3. What the HELL happened with Kurt?

I looked back and I haven't mentioned Kurt here in months. And you probably think he's dead. Which kind of makes you all bad people because you didn't even send flowers.

You've heard very little about Kurt in recent months because I've seen very little of Kurt in recent months. With Ironman training and our conflicting work schedules and the 3.5 hours a day I spend on my hair, our paths haven't crossed much. And in fact, Kurt moved away just last week. And now I am living alone for the first time in my life. As it turns out, I'm very afraid of ghosts and aliens.

4. How is Jolyn still alive?

Guys. When Jolyn dies, we'll have been dead for a long time already.

5. Have you been fired from your job yet?

No. Miraculously, no. Whenever anyone asks me to do something, I politely nod my head and write down all of the words they just said that I don't understand. Then I compliment them on their outfits and this seems to blind them from my ignorance. I plan to do this for the remainder of my career.

In all honesty, my job is going really well. I love it and think I'm doing a perfectly nice job, ifIdosaysomyself thankyouverymuch. It's challenging, but in a way that is really good for me. Basically my life is exactly like The Good Wife. Except, not as much infidelity.

6. Say something about Daniel. We just want to hear something about Daniel.

Well, as a matter of fact, Daniel Clause is coming to town this week to visit for several days! That is, of course, assuming he can get to the airport on time and board the correct plane. Daniel continues to enjoy the warm life of Phoenix. But I suspect he'll be singing a different tune in the Hell of America come July.

~It Just Gets Stranger

33 comments:

  1. Thanks for the update. It's weird I thought YOU were the only one I know that has Disney prince hair. Because, SERIOUSLY, it looks great all the time! The 3.5 hr routine is definitely paying off.

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  2. OMG Eli your hair looks so nice today!

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  3. The hell of America...come on, I think there's worse places then Utah. "Waaaa, I can't take the mild winters and the beautiful mountains we have right around the corner." Dude, come live up here in the Hell of Canada (Winnipeg) and deal with -30F to -40F in winter with a -50 windchill. Yes it gets that cold here in winter. And we have no mountains...NO MOUNTAINS ANYWHERE!!! It's all flat...flat like a pancake. I have to drive 3 hours to the east just to see a hill. And 16 hours to the west just to see mountains...oh glorious mountains that I love so much...

    After ranting I will now give you your compliment. Ready for it? Here it comes...
    Ahem:
    Your hair is SO MUCH WAY BETTER then Brandt's...pfff...Brandt's hair is so 10 years ago, I mean...COMON BRANDT...get with the times geez...psshhh....what a n00b. Your hair is like, infinity x better then Brandt's lame-o hair. I almost can't even look at his picture, it disgusts me. Then I look at yours and it's like...aahhh...look at that beautiful hair...it's so OMGCOPTERCAKES awesome.

    There. Oh, and we need to see more pictures of your women friends. Kthxbye I'm done now.

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    1. I was referring to Phoenix in the summer as the Hell of America. And I in no way was trying to compare it to the Hell of Canada. WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN HELLS, OK?!

      Thanks for the very sincere hair compliments.

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    2. I think he meant Phoenix is the HoA, which is true; I know because I grew up there and then I moved to Minnesota, the Heaven of America. Now I live in Utah. The . . . Utah of America. Seriously, Eli, I think Brandt just has a combed-back puff cut. Your hair, on the other hand, is dreamy and divine. Prob'ly you don't even have to spend all 3.5 hours on it each day. But I guess you do it as a public service. And it pays off.

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    3. Tallahassee, FL in July is pretty much Satan's playground. The humidity probably rivals Palau except we're JUST far enough away from the coast to not get any of the gulf breezes. You should come visit!

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    4. no complaining about where you live until you have lived in Woodward Oklahoma, where is that you ask, THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! seriously to do any real shopping you have to drive THREE HOURS! I have sand instead of dirt, but no ocean to go with it just wind, so the sand gets picked up by the wind and blown all around/ over/ through you, until your shoes ( that you have to travel 3 hours to replace) are full of it, you are chewing it, and your skin has been exfoliated in the most painful way possible. It is -1000 degrees on min and 1000 degrees the next min because the weather has no idea what it wants down here.

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  4. I heard that Eli's hair is doing more to end the world hunger crisis than all of the bell-ringing Santas in America combined. That's just what I heard.

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  5. Quote of the month: "He has Disney prince hair. And I can't compete with that."

    Now I'm even more mad at myself for booking a trip over SG70.3 weekend. I should totally be there smearing ya'll with sunscreen or stripping wetsuits. Oh well, I promise to be thinking positive thoughts of you climbing Snow Canyon while I'm lying on a beach in Hawaii.

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  6. So it's not Brandt's fault you signed up for another Ironman? He's just a fellow sufferer?

    Disney Prince hair aside, that Brandt is a swell fellow; I mean, he helped you realize you will have completed a FULL Ironman BEFORE you turn 30, all because of the two half Ironmans! (Ironmen?) I mean, I really like a person who knows his way around semantics.

    Also: post more pictures of that glorious head of hair you've been blessed with. I mean, I know it goes without saying that your hair is always immaculate, but sometimes we like reminders. Just sayin'.

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    1. True Strangers (also known as stalkers) don't need photographic reminders. We see his hair every day.....

      And might I say, your hair is smashing today, Eli. Better than yesterday even!

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  7. Eli, Brandt probably just wears a really nice wig because he's so intimidated by your hair. I do that and I don't even have to be seen with you in real life.

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  8. The good news is that the Sand Hollow Reservoir is now officially mussel free! That only leaves possible high winds/waves/drowning and the near certain brush with the euphemistically named "swimmers itch" to worry about when you jump in the water.

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  9. Eli, Where did your United States of God Bless America phrase come from? I love it, and it exactly expresses how I felt after four months in an Eastern European village. Also your hair and stuff.

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    1. K, it came from my soul when I was getting ready to move from Palau back to a place that has burritos. I love most places I've been, but sometimes I really miss the U.S..

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    2. I loved that phrase too. Almost as lovely as your hair (to which nothing can compare. We stop and stare at that hair and somehow forget all our cares and despair . . . such debonair flair and delicious flare, it inspires prayer or jealous swears.)

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  10. Eli's Hair... How do I begin to explain Eli's Hair?
    Eli's Hair is flawless.
    I hear it's insured for $10,000.
    I hear it does car commercials... In Japan.
    It's favorite movie is Mary Poppins.
    One time it met Paul Simon on a plane...
    And he told it that it was pretty.
    One time it punched me in the face... It was awesome.

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    1. HUGE comment win!!!!!! That was SO fetch!

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    2. Yes. All the way yes.I'm also thankful you beat me to the mean girls reference, so I didn't have to type all that on my phone.

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  11. Kurt moved out and you didn't even bother telling us? It's like you didn't want people to know you live alone so that they could come and play tricks on you and try to scare you in the middle of the night. I mean, no one would do that, of course, but it's like you didn't even want them to have the option...

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  12. all this hair talk reminds me of why you don't make a toupee from cat hair... cause every time you run your hand over it, he sticks his butt up in the air....

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  13. Does anyone else think we should start referring to Eli and his roommates like they do celebrity couples? I'm thinking Daniel + Eli = Daneli (rhymes with Jelly); Kurt + Eli = Keli (rhymes with Pie); and now Brandt + Eli = Brani (pronounce brainy).

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  14. I don't know you, but I feel like we're living parallel lives because from all your pics it looks like you live a few blocks from me, and every time you introduce a new character to this plot, I already know them. Kurt? Good friends with my roommate last year and used to chill at our place on a somewhat regular basis. Brandt? Pretty sure I went to high school with that kid. Ask him if he played Joseph in the high school rendition of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. I just know I'm going to walk around a corner any day now and run into you and have that super awkward moment when you realize that you know way more about a person than they know about you.

    So to save the trouble, I'm Nicki. Nice to meet you.

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  15. But...but Eli! what clothes are you going to wear if you don't have a room mate anymore?? Oh and by the way, your hair looks absolutely gorgeous. Stunning. Fabulous.

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    1. I don't think Eli thought this one through. I'd offer him to have my clothes that shrunk (they might fit him because I'm a giant), but they'd get dirty, too! It's just a terrible downward slope!

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  16. Eli, I am incredibly jealous of your gorgeous supermodel hair. It's more magnificent than any Disney prince's hair ever was!

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  17. Eli’s Hair

    Brandt’s hair is in need of repair.
    Lately it’s been alike to an Alaskan brown bear’s.
    So I sit in my swivel chair
    And focus on a head worthy of a multimillionaire.
    Eli takes great care
    Of his hair
    And should exhibit it at Pitie-Salpetriere.

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  18. So good to hear an update, especially about Daniel! Post lots of pictures of his visit!

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  19. You might suggest to Brandt that shaving his head will make him more aerodynamic for the Ironman.

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