Wednesday, April 2, 2014

April Fools' Day

Jolyn Metro is the worst human being who has ever lived.

Yesterday afternoon I had noticed that things seemed far too quiet for April Fools' Day. Nothing had really happened. No mention of the holiday. No terribly mean pranks to basically ruin my life. Nothing.

And then, sometime around 3:00 PM, I received a text message.

"May the force be with you."

It was from a number I didn't recognize. I thought this was odd. But I was busy and not really in a place to deal with it and try to convince the person on the other end to go halfsies on couple Snuggies.

Then another text came in. Another quote from Star Wars and from a different phone number than the last. Then another. Then another. Then another.

The text messages sometimes said things like, "hey nerdy girl. You want to get to know a nerdy guy?" And "Star Wars girl?!" And "I would travel the galaxy for you."

So I started to wonder, "has someone posted a personal ad for me on the Internets?" But then I thought, "who would DO such a thing?!"

And I remembered. I remembered that Jolyn Freaking Metro is a part of my life.

People started texting me really terribly creepy shirtless selfies. Middle-aged men, mostly. And the texts kept rolling in. I finally asked someone to send me a link to the ad they were responding to. This person complied.



I could have killed her. I could have killed her right then and there. I saw Jolyn a few hours later and she knew I had figured her out the moment her evil red eyes met mine. I held my constantly buzzing phone up to her face and showed her that I had received texts and phone calls from over FIFTY people.

You guys. FIFTY people responded to this ad by that point. FIFTY!

FIVE. ZERO.

Just then the phone started to ring and Jolyn grabbed it out of my hand and answered. I heard her say many things in a seductive voice.

"Hey baby. Do you want to talk about Staaaaaaar Wars?"

"Oh yeah? [Giggle]. Who's your favorite stormtrooper?"

"I sometimes like to wrap my braids ALL around my ears."

I thought the responses would die down so I could go back to my normal life. But I was wrong. Because the text messages continued through the night. When I woke up, I had about 17 new messages waiting for me.

I got to the office and they continued to pour in. Finally, I texted Jolyn, begging her to remove the ad. To my horror, she responded that she didn't know how but was able to add a note to it, explaining that it was all an April Fools' joke.

In response to this, she received an email from an angry Craigslist user:

"I wasn't one of the ones who replied to the ad but that was pretty crappy of you. Personally if I'm replying to a personal ad, I'll spend a fair amount of time thinking of what to write. I'll bet your unlucky victims probably did the same and you just wasted their time and disappointed their hopes. Try and do something a little less selfish next year please. A joke is something that more than one person finds funny!"

I continued to text Jolyn, begging her to do something about this situation, telling her that I was STILL getting phone calls and texts despite the admission that it was all a joke.




~It Just Gets Stranger

20 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I was going to pull this exact prank on my friend Nick, but instead I ended up building a fake spider, bribing my way into his room with copious amounts of popcorn, and leaving it under a coffee cup by his bed with a note reading "This is Fred. He is a Wolf Spider. He is very friendly." (Nick is studying Engineering, so when he finally forgives me, he will see my genius. Probably.)

    Just to really sell it I began texting him about how I found a huge spider and offered to let him keep it. He did not jump on that offer with an acceptable level of enthusiasim. I can't imagine why.

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  3. This is amazing. So doing this next year.

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  4. That guy totally responded to the ad.

    Ummm. Who gave the best Chewbacca impression?!?!?!

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  5. If I were Jolyn I would be very, very, afraid, because you crazy. And you're gonna GET HER BACK.

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    1. The devil fears nothing and no one.

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  6. LOL LOVE IT! My mom and Jolyn would get along so well on April Fools day! OHHHHHH maybe she can get my mom next year REALLY good and then it turns out really funny and then you write it up in you lovely clever way and my mommy will be on the internets :) My mom was happy when I had the waitress bring her a plate of Raw food instead of what she ordered the other night :)

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  7. You should have responded with "I have a bad feeling about this." Just sayin'

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    1. I think he needs to respond "I am not the droid you are looking for" to every single person that texted him. And prop if he could figure out a way to work in "Han shot first" into responses. That would totally make my day.

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    2. "It's a trap!"

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  8. This is such a wonderful idea... saving this one for next year...

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  9. I think it's interesting that the person who responded to Jolyn's admittance of this being an April Fool's joke, getting mad at her for wasting the RESPONDERS' time, is just about as crazy as it gets. Feeling bad for the creeps who responded didn't even cross my mind. I don't mean to degrade Craigslist Personals responders, I know they have feelings, too, but...I mean...

    Just remember how great Jolyn can be, though. I've never met her, but the Owl evening entertainment she provided us Strangers with was truly appreciated. By you too, Eli.

    Having said that, she deserves a major comeuppance. Something dastardly that the Queen of Colors would be proud of.

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    1. The Queen of Colors takes pride in no one but herself.

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  10. Oh I wish I had someone that I could do this to. By next year, I will find someone.

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  11. Well, the joke's on that emailer because pretty much all of your readers think Jolyn is the best prankster ever.

    But you, of course, have the best hair.

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  12. I hate to be one of THOSE people, but you have a typo in your first sentence. It should read: Jolyn Metro is the BEST human being who has ever lived.

    There, fixed it!

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  13. I can feel your anger... it gives you focus, it makes you stronger!

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  14. Just marry Jolyn. That way, she'd be easy to reach when she does stuff like this.

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  15. I love the bikini kill quote on the picture

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