Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Because WHAT IF PAUL SIMON!?

So yesterday was a national day of mourning because YOU GUYS!!! PAUL SIMON!!!

Don't worry. He didn't die (for those of you who don't have "Paul Simon" as a Google news alert, which, by the way, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!).

Y'all! He got arrested! AND I DON'T EVEN SAY "Y'ALL!"

I wasn't supposed to know about it because one Stranger very thoughtfully tried to protect me from this information.


While Alanna attempted to protect me from some VERY hurtful information, many others of you were more like Cathie who woke me up in the middle of the night once to tell me that my pet bird "Feathers" was run over by a car "and his guts are everywhere."

AND I WAS SIX.

I got like 30 emails from you guys with links to the Paul Simon article explaining that he was ARRESTED like a TERRIFYING CRIMINAL because of some fight he had with his wife.

Ok. First of all let me just state the obvious and say that arresting Paul Simon is unquestionably unAmerican, illegal, and the entire police force for the whole world should be tried for treason.

Also, I don't even think it's technically possible to arrest Paul Simon. Because I just looked up the definition of the word "arrest" on the Internets and it said that it means to "stop" something and OBVIOUSLY Paul Simon could never be stopped. You can't stop an immortal being.

Further, Laura from Facebook brought up a very good point and said that Paul Simon getting arrested was the most exciting thing that happened to her because "I feel like the music I listen to is hardcore/legit now."

And this just makes me think. Nay, realize. That Paul Simon clearly purposefully got temporarily arrested taken into custody so that when we're jamming out to Paul Simon and John Mayer performing "Late in the Evening" together, like some of us do 20 times a day, we'll feel like we're in the middle of a bigger movement and not just like we're ascending straight to heaven. But the fun heaven, not the one all the grandmas go to. And we'll feel that way because PAUL SIMON GOT TAKEN INTO CUSTODY and he still makes the greatest music of all time.

In addition, I don't think Paul Simon does wrong things so clearly if someone tried to arrest him (which is not even possible, as we already established) and even if he wasn't getting arrested on purpose (which he obviously was, as we already established) he didn't do anything wrong AND I TAKE HIS SIDE ON WHATEVER DISPUTE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY HAPPENED.

Next, I would like to thank the many of you who suggested that I go be Paul Simon's legal counsel because this made me realize that the MOST LIKELY explanation for all of this is that he made it appear as though he was in legal trouble so that I would fly out there and meet him and try on his clothes and brush his hair and cut off some of it when he's not looking and put it between my toes and smell his stomach and stuff.

And I tried to do this but the restraining order, WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY ALL THE PRODUCT OF A HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING, very unfortunately kept me from being able to approach his house and stare through his windows for three straight weeks and pee into a bucket and drink my own urine so I wouldn't have to leave for one second. Again.

Which brings me to my next point: Dear Paul Simon: I'm sure you are not aware of the restraining order and it was probably instigated by someone who shall remain nameless and who is so incredibly jealous because I have better hair than him and sound much nicer singing in a duo with you in the car (you know who you are, you little home wrecker), but I really need you to have it removed. Because you are 72 now and we still haven't met and it's starting to make me feel like I can't believe in anything anymore. Because my understanding of faith is that if you are really good you get to meet Paul Simon at some point.

Lastly, I haven't slept since I heard the news and I think I've been rambling for a while. I'm very confused. Can someone come and feed me? I've forgotten how to do basic things. I don't need to be breast-fed. Just through a tube or straw or something would be fine. Also, I would like a burrito.

~It Just Gets Stranger

21 comments:

  1. I understand completely. I once had a dream to cut some hairs off Matt Damon's head and put them between my toes as well. I finally had my chance back in 2011, and I was sneaking up with scissors, but it turns out that Matt Damon has Jedi reflexes and is not comfortable with scissors near his head. I had to spend the rest of the night in one of the little jails they keep in malls until Matt left town. I cried the whole night through.

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    1. ...they have jails in malls?

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    2. Big malls do. Little miniature that are usually reserved for would-be shoplifters.

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  2. He obviously did not know about the restraining order, because if he did it would never have happened. Because, c'mon, who would pass up the chance to meet YOU, with your nice hair and wonderful voice! And besides, you have MUCH better hair than that dream crusher.

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  3. If you don't get a phone call THIS WEEK explaining that the restraining order was a hoax and that Paul had no idea and that he misses you and wants you to come home, suspect foul play. I know a lot of us strangers have given up on the idea of Leotrix trying to infultrate your life through impregnating Trixy, but I for one only feel MORE certain that Leotrix is out for blood. I think Leotrix has not only led on Trixy, but he's also started this whole Paul Simon mess just to get back at you for all you've said about him on your blog. Get rid of the Leotrix, free the Paul Simon. Period.

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  4. You're gay for Paul Simon

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    1. I pity the fool who isn't gay for Paul Simon

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  5. You drink burritos through a straw?

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    Replies
    1. Don't you? Wait... Is that not the normal method for eating burritos? I'm so confused...

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  6. "The fun heaven, not the one for Grandmas". That line alone, made my day.

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  7. Okay after reading this I had to look it up. I did not know Edie Brickell is his wife! I met her last year had I known I would have totally become BFFs with her just to get a in for you Eli. Why don't you telle these things?

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  8. This post had me in fits of tears from beginning to end. Eli, you are extra funny when distressed.

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  9. Wait...the fun heaven ISN'T the one with Grandma's?

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  10. Eli, a restraining order is just another way to say "I love you."

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    Replies
    1. Don't encourage him!

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  11. This OBVIOUSLY was Paul Simon's attempt at conveying the message to you that racing a 1/2 IRONMAN this weekend is a BAD idea. A bad omen I tell you.

    Good Luck on Saturday!! You're going to kill it this year, I wish I was there to cheer but will be stalk/tracking you on my phone from Hawaii. I'll enjoy some coconut ice cream in your honor.

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  12. One of the best moments of my life was when I was in NYC, walking down Bleecker Street, and there he was! Paul Simon himself! On Bleecker Street!

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  13. Does Paul Simon really have a restraining order against you??

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  14. Just like 10,000 other people, when I heard about this supposed arrest, my first thought was of you and how you would take the news. I hope you're recovering from the shock.

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  15. I have been thinking about this, Eli. And I think you just need to ignore any restraining orders, and sing "Gone at last" to Paul. I think he needs it right now. Feel free to simply start with "Sweet little soul now, what's your problem? Tell me why you're so downcast."

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