Sunday, April 27, 2014

Daniel's Laundry Intervention

Daniel flew into Salt Lake City today. He'll be here for only 24 hours. I picked him up at the airport and drove him to my house. My sister, Krishelle, came over for Sunday dinner.

Daniel: Eli, does Rebecca do your laundry?

Eli: No. She's the worst person who has ever lived. She doesn't do my laundry and she makes gluten free shakes every day and tries to convince me they taste just like ice cream. And I fall for it every time and have to throw up into the sink.

Daniel: I'm confused. If Rebecca isn't doing your laundry, who is?

Eli: I don't know. I just pick up clothes off of the floor every morning.

Krishelle: Wait. What? So you don't wash your clothes?

Eli: Well I'm sure somebody does, Krishelle.

Daniel: This doesn't surprise me. I remember many times in Palau thinking that if I wasn't there Eli would have died from wearing toxic clothing.

Eli: Ok. That's not fair. I did my laundry sometimes.

Daniel: You did it none of the time.

Eli: 20%

Daniel: 0%

Eli: 18%

Daniel: 0%

Eli: 15%

Daniel: This isn't a negotiation. You did laundry ZERO times in Palau.

Eli: Well I'm sorry if I was just too busy doing everything else and so didn't have time to wash our clothes, too.

Daniel: What was it you were doing? Besides crying in a corner and complaining that people weren't paying enough attention to you.

Eli: Well I was also very busy--

Daniel: AND besides gaining 30 pounds twice and singing Miley Cyrus songs at the top of your lungs.

Eli: Oh. Well, nothing then. I guess.

Krishelle: Well didn't Eli do a lot of cleaning around the house?


Krishelle: No cleaning?

Daniel: What other cleaning would even need to be done?

Krishelle: Well, who swept the floors, for example?

Daniel & Eli: Leotrix.

Krishelle: That's terrible. You should have swept your floors.

Eli: What was the point, Krishelle? We knew Leotrix was just going to break in and clean everything up anyway.

Krishelle: But if you had swept the floors, you wouldn't have had to deal with Leotrix. He wouldn't have broken in had you not had crumbs all over the place.

Daniel: But we didn't have to sweep the floors, Krishelle. Because Leotrix.

Eli: [To Daniel] Why doesn't she understand this?

Daniel: [To Eli] It's like she's not even listening to us . . .

Krishelle: It's amazing that either of you are alive. But it's especially amazing that BOTH of you are alive.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I just killed myself with laughter

  2. Wait. You are suppose to do other cleaning besides laundry? Lies.

  3. Let me be the first to say that I am so happy you guys didn't sweep your floors in Palau. Because what if we never got to meet Leotrix?

  4. I hear this type of conversation often, since I'm the mom and I'm the one at home EVERY DAY ALL DAY ALL THE TIME. I find myself looking around the house on Sunday, and saying, "Huh. I haven't left the house in a week. You'd think this place would be CLEANER."

    And the family is like, "Yeah. What do you DO all day?" I'm not sure, but I know it's way more fun than cleaning. And since 0% OF THE THINGS ARE MINE, it gets a little, you know, redundant being the only one ever picking any of it UP. You should rent Leotrix out, or at offer time shares...

  5. Hey Eli...I know you're a lawyer and all, so if you want to get in really good with Paul Simon, now is your chance. I hope you are booking your flight to Connecticut NOW!

  6. I grew up with four brothers, but I'm a single gal and haven't lived with boys for more than 10 years, so I forget how filthy y'all can be. I can't tell if you and Daniel were kidding about nobody cleaning the apartment, ever, or if you were just being extreme and hyperbolic and funny. Were you? Just kidding about not cleaning?

  7. "Because Leotrix" is the perfect answer to so many things.

  8. The dress doesn't look cheap at all, which is surprising given the price! After receiving compliments practically from everyone, I got some pictures in this dress.

  9. I just heard from a friend of a neighbor's cousin's uncle's cat sitter that the reason Paul and Edie were fighting so loudly that the cops had to be called, was because of you Eli.

    You hussy.

  10. Eli.....doesn't look like this is the best person to idolize. Bad influence he is.