Monday, June 2, 2014

Bob and Cathie Intervention

A Conversation with Bob and Cathie about being a Grown Up

Cathie: Son. Did you really get a speeding ticket a few weeks ago?

Eli: How did you guys hear about that!?

Bob: You posted it on your blog. For the whole world to see.

Eli: THE WHOLE WORLD CAN SEE THAT BLOG!? I THOUGHT IT WAS A PRIVATE JOURNAL!

Cathie: We wish it was a private journal. At least then social services wouldn't be coming after us for things that aren't even true.

Eli: Hold on, Cathie. What have I said in my blog that isn't even true?


Cathie: Well you just make us sound like we were callous mean parents, willing to play jokes on their children at all costs.

Eli: Hold on, Cathie. What have I said in my blog that isn't even true?

Bob: We had boundaries, son. Sure we convinced you that you had ingested poison when you were seven and that you only had 24 hours to live. But we didn't actually give you poison.

Cathie: And we only told you that so you would be nice to your sisters, believing it was your last day on Earth.

Eli: Who raised you people?

Bob: But seriously, did you really get a speeding ticket?

Eli: Why do I feel like I'm in trouble. I'm THIRTY now. You guys can't hurt me anymore.

Cathie: We're just very concerned that you apparently don't know what car registration is.

Eli: Ok, Bob and Cathie. I see where this is going. I know what car registration is. 

Bob: Oh really? What is it?

Eli: It's a piece of paper and you keep it in your glove box. Well I don't, apparently. But most people do. I remember because the nice cop lady was like, "why don't you look in your glove box and I love your hair" and then she didn't even want any of the candy I found in there because--

Bob: We believe you that you know where it should be kept. But do you know what it is?

Eli: Yes. It's registration.

Cathie: Right. But what is "registration."

Eli: [Looking at Bob] Can you believe this lady? 60 years old and she doesn't know what registration is.

Cathie: I know very well what it is. The reason we are asking you is because we are concerned about your ability to survive in this world.

[Bob and Cathie take one another's hands and look intently at Eli, concern building up in their faces]

Eli: Oh. My. Gosh. IS THIS AN INTERVENTION!? I've always wanted an intervention! Did you write letters!? Wait, can I practice storming out of the room?! Are there cameras?! Are we on TV?! Are we celebrities?!  OH MY GOSH WHAT IF PAUL SIMON?! WHATIFPAULSIMON!??!?!?!?

Bob: No. We are not on TV. Yes this is an intervention. No, we didn't write letters.

Cathie: We didn't think you would pay attention long enough to listen to our letters--

Eli: WHAT ABOUT PAUL SIMON?!?!?

Bob: Paul Simon isn't here. Let's take a minute and stop thinking about Paul Simon.

Eli: NO! YOU PERVERTED RACIST MURDERER!!!

Cathie: This whole conversation has gotten away from us. Eli. We just want to talk to you about where your life is headed. You're not a child anymore. You need to start thinking about what you're going to do with your life. Your sisters are already buying houses and building equity and--

Eli: Do they know what registration is?

Bob: . . . yes. We think they probably know what registration is.

Cathie: What are you doing?

Eli: I'm texting my sisters to ask them what registration is.

Cathie: We could tell you. We're right here.

Eli: Fat chance. Like I'm going to listen to a couple of parents who raised a thirty year old to be like me.

~It Just Gets Stranger

16 comments:

  1. Please post sisters' responses, ASAP!

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  2. Let Bob and Cathie know that as I read your blog I've been taking such l stock of my own life. Granted I'm only 28, but at least your helping someone.

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  3. Oh my goodness, Eli... We are so much alike, it's scary. When I read, "It's a piece of paper and you keep it in your glove box. Well I don't, apparently. But most people do..." I laughed so much I cried. That's a total reality for me.

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    1. May I also add, I'm older than you are-- I, too, should know where my "registration" is.

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  4. ELI MCCANN...DID YOU HAVE TO REVEAL MY AGE IN THIS POST!??! You will pay for that one Mister-Twister.

    Cathie

    XoXoXXXoooX

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  5. If it makes you feel any better I got pulled over this last week... Not once but TWICE. I didn't have my registration either. They let me off with warnings but apparently they are real sticklers about the law out here... And this thing called a turn signal; whatever that is.

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    1. Tell them you WOULD have used your turn signal, in fact you are generally very diligent about it, but your blinker fluid is low and you're trying to preserve it for the *important* turns until you can get it refilled.

      My cousin told an officer that once about 20 years ago and got off with a warning. The problem is, she really believed it. Her brother had told her all about the blinker fluid and how important it was.

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    2. Hahaha!!! I actually believed that you had to change the air in your tires from winter to summer...

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  6. Joy. This is bringing me pure joy.

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  7. I got in a car accident a couple of weeks ago (not my fault!) and had to show my registration. I have every registration from 2005 (when I bought the car) to 2013 in my glove box. I did not have 2014 there. I know it is somewhere b/c the sticker was on my license plate. I still have not found it and now have a 2015 where is is suppose to be. Luckily he accepted one of my old ones...I had all my old Insurance cards too, just not my current one. Did you know they have digital Insurance cards too?

    I might blame Bob and Cathie too, you know b/c I started reading your blog about the time all those items would have needed updating. I am learning from you...so logically I'm also learning from them...

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  8. I love that Cathie calls you Mister-Twister when you're in trouble.

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  9. Someone please tell me that most of this is a joke and you actually do know what a registration is and that it is in your car and that you are smarter then this. Because if not...dude...

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  10. Eli, did you do anything to try and get out of getting a speeding ticket? Sometimes crying works :) or you could unleash the queen of colors!

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  11. I'm sorry, I'm just now catching up on all of this. Loved your stories at the porch.

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