Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Tami

Since I know everyone is extremely interested in the Pioneer Day Marathon Toenail Disaster of 2014, I'm here to provide you an update! Yesterday, while sitting in my professional lawyer office, aka my dorm room/hospital/place where I apparently think it's ok to take off my shoes and socks and perform surgery on my disgusting feet, a miraculous but horrific thing happened.

My little sister Micalyne had been responding to my frantic texts throughout the day asking what the hell I was supposed to do with my large toenail, which I previously told you was functioning like a car hood. I could raise it up and look underneath it. And it was gross.

Micalyne is the bravest human being I've ever met in my life. And not just because she has changed adult diapers without flinching. I truly don't think I've ever seen her look nervous or scared.

Additionally, despite being the size of a small child, she inexplicably has superhuman strength. If we lived in one of those societies where each family had to give one son to go fight in the war, Bob and Cathie would totally shave Micalyne's head and be like, "this is the strongest son in our family. Don't mind the boobs."

In fact, I frequently say that Micalyne is the son that Bob never had.

My family is mostly afraid of her. A couple of weeks ago we were all at Bob and Cathie's house and Micalyne's four-year-old spitfire child Emrie, the one who hates me and sang "Let it Go," informed me and my oldest sister Krishelle, "I'm going to take one more bite of my dinner and then go outside and play."

Krishelle: Ok. Is that what your mom said?

Emrie: [With serious attitude] No. That's what I said.

[Emrie starts to walk out the door]

Eli: Should we stop her?

Krishelle: No way. I'm not getting in the middle of a dispute between Micalyne and Emrie.

Cathie: [overhearing Krishelle's last statement] Good call. These are the two scariest people I know. It's going to be best to avoid getting involved when those two finally face-off once and for all.

Micalyne is a very competent nurse and she kept telling me throughout the day that I needed to do various things with my toenail. Things that sounded right, but kind of painful. So I was scared to follow her instructions.

Then, finally, in my office, I decided to pull the Band-aid off and do another assessment.

And as I did, the horrific disgusting terrible thing I alluded to above happened.

THE TOENAIL CAME OFF WITH THE BAND-AID!!!

[Lightening and booming thunder!!!]

I looked down at the massacred toe and screamed!

I couldn't believe how horrifying it looked. It was the stuff of nightmares. They should show pictures of it to kids in juvie to scare them into behaving. In our next war the Air Force should drop leaflets covered with the image all over enemy grounds.

Since you are now curious, below I give you a picture of the toe. WARNING! THIS IS DISGUSTING! DO NOT LOOK AT IT IF YOU ARE AT ALL SQUEAMISH! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF IF YOU PROCEED!




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The Queen of Colors



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This is disgusting





Just kidding. That wasn't it. Even though that picture was scary.



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Stop screaming! You were warned!

You guys. I almost fainted when I looked down and saw this. I couldn't believe that this was a part of my body. I couldn't believe that for all my life this is what it looked like under my toenail and I never knew it!

Naturally, I immediately sent this picture in a mass text to my entire family. Everyone responded within about 15 seconds.

Bob: Gross.

Krishelle: Never text me again.

Cathie: HEAVENLY DAYS IN THE MORNING! I WANT A NEW SON!

Krisanda: I just lost my will to live.

Cathie: WHY HAS NO ONE CALLED 911 YET!

Krishelle: I think I'm going to take a leave of absence from my job to recover from this.

Bob: Come over. We are amputating that toe.

Cathie: AND THE POLICE! WHY HAS NO ONE CALLED THE POLICE! YOU SHOULD BE ARRESTED FOR SENDING US THIS PICTURE!

Krishelle: I'm throwing this phone away. I need a new phone.

Krisanda: I just dug my eyes out with a spoon.

Micalyne: Good job. You need to soak it and disinfect it. Send me another picture tomorrow so I can see how it's healing.

I was a little freaked out for the majority of the afternoon. But then I sort of got used to things and decided to embrace it. In fact, I'm now calling it "Tami." And I know. On first glance it kind of looks disgusting. But it's actually really pretty if you picture it with blonde hair.


SEE?!

Tami and I are gonna get along JUST FINE.

~It Just Gets Stranger

34 comments:

  1. I'm angry about how many times I've had to look at your toe this week. Gross.

    And did someone take a bite out of it in that last picture?

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    1. Brothers, right? I've made the inexplicable decision to live with mine. I think he'll keep his toes to himself.

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  2. Can. Not. Breathe. I'm reading this on my phone so the scrolling was that much more climactic, and I still was not prepared for IT. I screamed! I covered my mouth, then my eyes, then snuck another look through cracked fingers. And I haven't stopped laughing for 10 minutes! The wig! Oh dear. The wig. On the toe. I think we may have found Leotrix a new lover! (Wait, is Leo a boy or a girl? Either way, I think he/she and the toe will get along swimmingly!)

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    1. Congratulations, you win the internets today.

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  3. I had an incident where I rammed my big toe into a rock while in a river on vacation in the Caribbean. It, too, was like a car hood but it would not come off on its own. A replacement nail began to grow underneath it so I finally had it removed by a podiatrist. Took about 8 months to grow back completely. Soak it in some Epsom salt water a couple times a day. By the way, don't you start getting jealous of Tami's hair. Yours is still extraordinarily superior!

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  4. One of the best posts you've had in a while. The picture of the Glee cast was good prep for the horror that followed

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  5. Oh my gosh! I cannot stop laughing! An image of a toe wearing hair just keeps popping in my mind.

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  6. Loved the "keep scrolling" and almost screamed when the glee picture popped up. Just vomitted in my throat a bit because Tami with her glorious hair, looks like she's trying out join the cast of ... GLEE ...
    And Micalyne is awesome! And Cathie is so right, you should be arrested for posting pictures of Tami. Indecent exposure!

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  7. 1. I saw someones toe cut off before and I found it fascinating.

    2. If you end up losing a leg over this I work for a prosthetist, so I can get you a new leg.

    3. My friend lost a toenail once and she painted it with nail polish so you wouldn't notice it was missing. Tami might like some nail polish (after she's healed a bit)

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    1. OMG DO NOT ENCOURAGE ELI… I don't think I can handle more pictures of toes!!!

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  8. Best thing since leotrix

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  9. I'm still trying to figure out which of the first two pictures are more horrifying.

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  10. WHAT DID I JUST READ!?

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    1. Um . . . I don't know. The Bible? Of Mice and Men? 50 Shades? Can you give us a hint?

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  11. Having lost a toenail before, I was prepared.

    Now I don't feel so bad about sending my mother (a nurse) a series of pictures documenting the progression of my leg infection a few years ago. My cat scratched my leg while trying to get away from my evil machinations (putting a collar on him) and then it turns out he had a UTI. My leg nearly fell off. (Not really, I'm dramatic.)

    My only regret was including the pictures in the download of all my pictures to my computer, so every once in a while it pops up on the screen with all the other pictures. People tend to sit in range of my computer and spontaneously say WHAT THE WHAT!!! every once in a while.

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  12. Thank you! I was worried I'd have to go *looking* for disgusting toe pictures. (You think I'm joking, but I'm not)

    Why is it...dented?

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    1. I think that's how everyone's is. Mine was like that too

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  13. WHY...for the love of all things holy...did I think it would be OK to read this while eating my lunch??!! I had pecans in my salad. Big toenail looking pecans!! Oy ve!! This same thing happened to me. I documented the entire thing too. From the injury to the lifting to the cutting to the removing of MY ENTIRE TOENAIL!!! I can not ever relive that horrible nightmare!! Ughhh... Too late. *sighhhh

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  14. I am a former ballerina/marathoner so I was expecting much worse. But I like how you made your toe up and named it Tami. It could be the next head Cheerio captain on Glee!

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  15. Tami looks like a tongue

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  16. You are evil. I can't believe you subjected the interwebs to that horror!

    Your toe nail looks pretty gross too.

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  17. Ew. I'm so glad I read this on my phone instead of a full size monitor. Tami should be viewed on the smallest screen possible. I really didn't want to look at all, because feet are gross, no matter how nice their owner's hair is. But I also am the proud owner of a purple toenail (from running) that I'm fairly certain will fall off in the near future and I just had to see what it would look like.

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  18. When mine fell off I mailed it to my sister because it was her evil car that caused it. And to top it off I already had a broken bone and my foot was in a giant boot. Just my big toe peeping out.....

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  19. I think it looks like a naked mole rat. Anyone else think so?

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  20. MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I will be having nightmares about your toe (and Glee, thanks-a-lot!!!) for months...maybe years!!!!

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  21. Oh my... Is that one of Kim Zolciak's wigs??? This is brilliant!!!

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  22. It looks like a little toe trying to escape from your big toe. I threw up a little.

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  23. As I'm reading your warnings to not keep scrolling and witness your.....lovely.....toe, I couldn't help myself. It's like a train wreck, you just can't help but to watch. Uggggh....your toe now haunts my nightmares. Get better soon! And I can't wait for the next picture when Tami's face grows back..

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  24. How DARE you post that horrifying picture.......................................


    of the Glee cast!!

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  25. I was honestly expecting worse. And I even have a weak stomach. The grossest part, for me, is that you added hair. Giving her a name seems necessary, but the hair creeped me out, somehow...

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  26. I've been gone for awhile, so just now got around to seeing this. I regret everything about my life, because it all led to the moment that I saw those pictures. You put HAIR ON IT. I'm going to have to use up half a vacation day and go home now to recover.

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    1. Actually, I think my boss must read your blog, because he disappeared after lunch and then took all of this week off. So THANK YOU. Cubicle party all week!

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