Wednesday, July 23, 2014

That Day

Remember that book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?

I had one of those on Saturday. Not the book. I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. One of those days where nothing truly traumatic actually happened but a whole bunch of minor annoyances just kept piling up and after a while it started to seem like someone must be playing a joke on me. Like, how can my purse break and pour marbles all over the sidewalk twenty seconds after I trip on a hose that is being used to put out a fire caused by the lightening that hit my uninsured car? Also, why am I carrying a purse full of marbles?

I got up, EARLY mind you, on Saturday to go for a four-hour bike ride. Because Ironman. And because scared.

I hopped onto Paul Cyclemon and began riding. Eleven minutes later, I hit something with my bike and got a flat.


"No big deal!" I thought. And I quickly changed the tube like an old pro. But, like an old pro who is really slow at changing tubes on their road bikes because he's not actually an old pro.

And I continued riding. A few minutes later my water bottle flew out of its holder and began rolling down a hill. I chased it. With bike shoes on. Which are basically like reverse high hills. Because the heel part is at the ball of the foot.

I continued. Bugs were hitting me in the face. I dropped my handful of gummy treats. A dog ran in front of me and almost caused me to crash.

One thing after another after another after another.

And then it happened. The worst thing that could possibly happen in the history of all world happenings. Worse than Leotrix sleeping in my bed with me. Worse than The First Eye having a twin. Worse than . . . ok. I almost said "worse than Glee getting renewed for a surprise season."

Too far, Eli McCann. Too far.

But ALMOST worse than that!

I RAN OVER A FREAKING SNAKE!!!

It was like twelve feet long. It was in the middle of the road. I didn't notice it until it was too late. It made a noise as each tire went over its mid-section. It stared into my soul and remembered my face from when it had lessons in Hell before coming to this Earth where each evil spirit was assigned to torment a certain amount of humans before being given a snake body.

I screamed when this happened. I truly and really and absolutely SCREAMED. I did not even know that my body was capable of making the sound that came from the depths of my soul and through my mouth for the next twenty seconds. The government has been trying to capture me to test me for science ever since I screamed the way I did on Saturday.

They are already writing about it in the children's history books.

I couldn't believe that this had happened to me. To innocent little old me. Just a sweet little guy out for a nice bike ride on a beautiful Saturday summer morning.

Snakes are pure evil. There is nothing ok about them. And by the way, why does everything evil start with an S?! Snake. Spider. Satan. Squeen of Colors? DID THE GOVERNMENT THINK WE WOULD NEVER NOTICE THIS?

CONSPIRACY!

As I attempted to recover from the trauma I had just endured, I hit a large rock that sat in the middle of the bike lane.

My phone and keys and wallet came flying out of various bags that were secured to my bike, landing loudly in the road as I continued to descend a steep hill. Attempting to correct the shaking of the bike from hitting the large rock, including the instability now caused by a destroyed front tire, I was abruptly thrust forward over the top of Paul Cyclemon, landing flat on my back in the grass running along the side of the road.

I could hear the awful noise Paul Cyclemon made as he bounced ungracefully down the hill.

I thought I was dead. I was sure that this was one of those things where I was going to sit up out of my body and realize that I was stuck on Earth because I have unfinished business. Because there are still more seasons of The Good Wife to watch.

But somehow, there was not a scratch on me. I was safe. And it was a miracle.

Paul Cyclemon was not so lucky. He suffered severe damage.

I retrieved my things on the hill, horrified that that snake was going to come seek its revenge, and praying to the good Lord that my running over it KILLED the thing.

And no I would not feel bad if the snake was killed when I ran over it. As a matter of fact, I think that the fact that the President of the United States has not personally called me and awarded me with a Medal of Freedom yet is proof that our nation's leaders are focused on the wrong things.

I happened to be near a bike shop, so I walked Paul Cyclemon into it. There I spent somewhere around $347,892.16 buying things to repair the damage he sustained.

For reasons that I can't understand, the bike shop did not have any bags to carry my many purchased items. So I awkwardly held them in a bunch while also trying to carry Paul Cyclemon the four blocks back to my house.

When I got inside, I flipped on the TV. They were showing a documentary on pythons.

~It Just Gets Stranger

29 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't cheer as you ran over the snake and swerve to make sure you hit its head

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  3. I almost ran (literally running..with my legs) over a snake once, but thankfully noticed it at the last second and JUMPED over it. It was also only about 2 feet long and not 12. Still awful. This was followed about a week later by me HIKE/JUMPING over yet ANOTHER snake. Thankfully, Maine has no venomous snakes, but still. Ugh.

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    1. P.S. That book is one of my absolute FAVORITES!!! Also, Tikki Tikki Tembo is another great children's classic.

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    2. It's settled. I'm moving to Maine!

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  4. I think you forgot another bad S word... sglee...

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  5. Oddly enough, xkcd.com just had a SNAKE FACTS comic.

    http://xkcd.com/1398/

    My favorite one was this: If you laid out all the bones of a snake end-to-end you would have a snake!

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  6. I bet your hair stayed perfectly coiffed the whole time!

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  7. Yeah I don't get this. If you hate snakes so much, why did you scream and freak out like a little tiny girl when you ran over it? Wouldn't you have done a fist pump and then rode a victory lap around the dead carcass?

    I now feel the need to make fun of you and throw out sarcastic remarks.

    On the flip side, I know how you feel about bad days where lots of minor things happen to you...or lots of minor things you're trying to make work are just not, for whatever reason, working so you want to just Hulk out and smash something (cause Hulk is the awesomest rage monster). But you did buy some cool stuff in the end so not everything was bad.

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    1. I TOTALLY understand his reaction. I absolutely HATE snakes and spiders but if confronted with one, I don't relish the experience of dealing with it directly. I'm sure it surprised/scared him all at the same time, hence the scream. I would've reacted the same way :-P

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  8. I've got a good (bad) snake story for you. About 6 years ago, we were using our wood burning stove and for some reason that evening it wasn't venting right. Long story short - we got a really burned up wall. We remodeled (knocking out that wall and redoing it.

    Some snakes decided that was a nice place to go find a home in the open foundation area. Didn't know it. One evening while walking around my semi-dark room, I see something that looks like rope, but I know I didn't have rope. Turn on light. It's a snake. It's the first of 4 that roomed our home. They were coming in under the stove. We put sticky traps under it and caught at least 15-20. My husband killed around 80 snakes that summer that were directly hanging out around our home foundation. Oh and one day I looked out my window and there were FOUR snakes slithering in my front yard. I was FREAKED for years about the snakes. This year I've seen about 4 total outside. (We live next to and in front of a field/orchard. So, understandable they are around. I will take 4 over 100+ and none in the house ever again thankfully.

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    1. I may or may not have just screamed and shivered in terror at my desk at work. I would have put my house up for sale immediately. Sold as is--everything included. There is no way I would trust sitting on the couch or touching any furniture ever again.

      Eli, I totally feel for your Saturday. It sounds a lot like my today... except my hair doesn't look nearly as good as your does.

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    2. Never mind selling it. I would have just burned it to the ground and ran away!

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    3. Agreed! Throw the match while wildly running and screaming far far away.

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    4. No no, you guys got it wrong. That's not how you burn down a house. You have to pour gasoline everywhere then leave a trail of gasoline away from the house. Then, when you're done, walk away slowly from the house and light your cigar with a match, then throw the match onto the end of the gasoline trail while it quickly burns its way back to the house. Then you get a low angle camera shot of you walking away from the house, with the house in the background...and....KABOOOOOM, the house blows up with all the snakes in it.


      O_O

      ....I watch too many movies.

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  9. Actually lol'd. But I'm too lazy to write out what that means.

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  10. glad i wasn't the only one with a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad saturday. also, snakes are my biggest fear. props

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  11. Oh man! That really stinks. I'm sorry you had a bad day, Eli. I think they're going around. Mine was about 2 weeks ago, the kids argued about every little thing I asked them to do, laundry has not dried properly so it smelled weird and had to be washed again, I was trying desperately to go to the gym even though I felt really unmotivated. Finally, FINALLY got everyone out the door to the car, and the one four year old shut the other four year old's thumb in the car door while I was wrestling the baby into his seat. And it was the thumb on his good hand (he has cerebral palsy). So, we went to the ER instead. Field trip!

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  12. But the most important question is: how is your hair?

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  13. I've got to share this with my sister. I was trying to describe to her how my five-year-old son screamed when he got shots yesterday, and your snake-scream is a nearly perfect description. :)

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  14. Squeen of Scolors made Saturday your that day. How else would you explain pythons on tv after all that?
    Can you find out if anybody was recording in the area of the scream to post it for posterity?

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  15. As long as the hair remained untouched, you are okay. (but maybe not psychologically.) this sounds absolutely terrifying.
    The Starving Inspired

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  16. Dude. I know you're exaggerating, but 12 feet? You hit a 12 foot long snake, it'd bust your tire as bad as a rock. And anyway, besides eating Leotrix's spawn (and other rodents), snakes are awesome pets! I mean, a few kinds. Not the poisonous ones. Like ball pythons are awesome pets. You can play with them, and when you are done, you put them away. Unlike cats and dogs, which you aren't allowed to keep in a relatively small box and only take out when you want to. (I'd say, "Same with children" but people don't seem to find joking about keeping children in small cages funny. And then they send them to school, where they keep a lot of kids in relatively small cages in preparation for them to stay in cubicle cages for their adult life...)

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  17. I, too, have wrecked a bike. I want to post a disclaimer about the picture, but I just saw your toe picture from the future so you know what? NO WARNING. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10101756545560795&set=a.10101757545157595.1073741840.38420413&type=3&theater

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    1. I see your bike crash picture and raise you a picture of my toe after the toenail was pulled off, which I will share shortly!

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    2. I just got a little woozy at my desk thinking about it...no rush on posting that one. You win - this time.

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  18. I feel for you Eli. I also am terrified of snakes. I keep checking under my desk every thirty seconds to makes sure there's no snakes after reading your story. About 5 years ago, my family was visiting Adam Ondi Ahman and ended up seeing the sites with the biggest, angryist rattle snake in the whole world. So heads up, the serpent that beguiled Eve, it's still there!

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  19. Don't feel bad Eli. One time I biked into a PARKED car and busted my bike and also my nose. It took me three years to realize that I had probably broken it, something I only realized when I hit my face on a rock while kayaking.

    I hit my head a lot...

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