Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Eli Finds a "Regular" Doctor

Receptionist: Dr. So and So's office, how can I help you?

Eli: Yes. Good day. I am looking for a doctor.

Receptionist: Um . . . ok. Any doctor in particular?

Eli: Well, I'm not sure. You see, my coworker gave me this number and he said I could find his doctor here. Well actually he's not just a coworker. He's also my friend. I need to stop calling my friends by other titles because it can sometimes be offensive--

Receptionist: This is Dr. So and So's office. Is that who your friend referred you to?

Eli: I'm not really sure. I don't remember the name he said. And I'm really nervous because I didn't know that people had regular doctors until just recently and I'm not sure if this is like tryouts and I just really want you to like me.

Receptionist: So you want to make an appointment with the doctor and have her be your regular doctor?

Eli: Well, yes. IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE.

Receptionist: It's not. That's what we're here for.

Eli: And do you need to see, like, my resume or do you need letters of recommendation or something?

Receptionist: Huh? Wait. Are you trying to apply for a job here?

Eli: It depends. Will that make it more or less likely for me to get in?

Receptionist: Sir. We don't have tryouts. I can schedule an appointment with you when the doctor is free.

Eli: OH MY GOSH! THIS IS ALREADY GOING SO WELL!

Receptionist: I guess. So I just need some information from you.

Eli: [sitting up straight and summoning his serious voice] ok. Go ahead.

Receptionist: Name?

Eli: Eli McCann. WAIT. Eli William McCann. WAIT. Eli W. McCann. DO YOU NEED MY MIDDLE NAME BECAUSE I JUST MADE THAT ONE UP BECAUSE I GOT SCARED THAT YOU WOULD THINK MY REAL MIDDLE NAME IS WEIRD. 

Receptionist: Uh . . . First and last name is fine. Are those your real first and last names.

Eli: Yes.

Receptionist: Ok. Who is your insurance provider?

[Eli hangs up in a panic and then calls his sister so she can help him figure out who his insurance provider is because CONFUSING and the card says like 12 different things. Then Eli calls back.]

Receptionist: Hello?

Eli: Yes. I believe we were unfortunately disconnected a moment ago.

Receptionist: Yes. Is this the tryout guy?

Eli: I want to say no, but I'm also worried that it might be against the law to lie to you.

Receptionist: Did you figure out your health insurance provider?

Eli: Yes. I sure did. All by myself. WITH NO HELP. It's such and such.

Receptionist: Ok. And it looks like the earliest I can get you in will be December 5th.

Eli: BUT I COULD BE DEAD BY THEN!

Receptionist: Uh . . . sir? Do you have a medical emergency?

Eli: Well, no. Unless you consider "overreacting" a medical emergency.

Receptionist: We don't.

Eli: Ok. In that case, I don't.

Receptionist: Great. Well we look forward to meeting you in December.

Eli: Wait. Um . . . not to be needy or anything, but do you think the doctor is going to like me?

Receptionist: I have no doubt, Eli. I'm sure you'll be the most interesting part of her December 5th.

Eli: YES! Tami and I can't wait!

Receptionist: Who's Tami?

Eli: Never mind! See you then!

~It Just Gets Stranger

28 comments:

  1. I would recommend you find a doctor for September... Because you could be dead by December!!

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  2. Sooo what is your middle name?

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  3. ...was this doctor a neurologist!?! They're the only doctors I know who take that long to get appointments with.

    But yes, you should find a doctor for September, because potential death.

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  4. December?? Oh Eli, you need to get into the doctor's office much sooner than that! With all that is going on with your heart, you need to get there ASAP. I'm sure Bob and Cathy and the rest of the Stranger community would agree!

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    1. Don't worry. I'm seeing the heart specialists this week. This appointment is just to finally get a "regular" doctor. Apparently this one is very good and the wait for a "first appointment" is long for that reason.

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    2. Well, if she's that good and that busy, let's hope you don't need to see her that frequently. 3 month wait for a dr appt? I think the good doc has more than enough patients.

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  5. Assuming this is a primary care doctor, a 3-month wait is absurd. Find a different doctor. You should have a week's wait, max. If this is a specialist, well, then... I'd still at least look around for a better option because a 3-month wait is still mostly absurd.

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  6. I can't wait! We're going to have soooo much fun! I hope the doctor likes my hair.

    XOXO
    Tami

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    1. Hey Tami, I don't usually pay attention to this kind of thing, but I have to say...I really like your hair. What shampoo do you use? What hair care tips can you give us?

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  7. I work as a receptionist in healthcare and the best Family Practice doctors have that long of a wait. Don't find someone else. Maybe see someone else in the meantime, but don't cancel that appointment!

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  8. I believe we need some sort of clue on this Middle Name...
    Alfonzo? Ambrosia? Alberto? Benedict? Etc.

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    Replies
    1. He said W...it's obviously Wilbrahaminsausage.

      Duh doy.

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    2. I'm pretty sure it's Whittle.

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  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  10. Um, most important question - have you decided what to wear for your try out?

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    1. I'm pretty sure he'll end up naked.

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  11. Um, Eli, I don't know what kind of misinformed receptionist lady you got, but EVERYONE knows that to get a "regular" doctor you have to audition. Why do you think there's a 3 month wait? It's to give you plenty of time to prepare your audition. It sounds like this doctor is a real big shot too, so you'll want to go all out with your try out, complete with glitter, a musical number, flashing lights, trained elephants (a must; if you're not sure where to get them, Jolyn should know), belly dancing, a full orchestra, some backup dancers, and AT LEAST 4 costume changes. With your raw and obvious talent, 3 months should be just enough time to scrape something together. That receptionist really should be fired. Best of luck with your audition

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    1. Wait. JUST WAIT. This sounds like the musical number 'Prince Ali' from Disney's Aladdin. It may have been a while since Anonymous auditioned, because the most recent requirements have been to choreograph your own ORIGINAL NUMBER. Given the timeframe and your ability, nay, talent for meowing a variety of songs, you should have a leg up in this department, so to speak. Aaaand, since you do have to be somewhat undressed by the end of your audition, might I suggest breakaway pants or clothing with cleverly hidden velcro for your last costume change? These auditions have to be timed perfectly, and let's just say that if they do not go well, you will find yourself auditioning more than once. Apparently, yodeling the songs from Broadway's 'Cat's' is "trite and redundant". Lesson learned, Dr. Whatshisname. Lesson learned. Twice up the barrel, once down the side.

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  12. I was recently assigned to a new doctor and would have had to wait three months to see her. Who do these doctors think they are?? Don't they know we hypochondriacs need IMMEDIATE ATTENTION???

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  13. I think you should post several videos auditioning for this doctor visit so that we, who truly care about you, can tell you if you're doing a good job or if you need to work on some areas.

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    Replies
    1. Hmm. So I could do a few practice videos and maybe let everyone choose which one will most likely work out. I see where we're going with this.

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    2. So much yes for this plan. SO.MUCH.YES.

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  14. the reason it takes so long for a first visit with a new dr. is so they can block out up to an hour to get a complete history and thoroughly examine you. most dr's have standing appointments for people they see regularly, thus the block of time is always far off.

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  15. The only think Eli needs to do is: get naked (which he always does in new situations) and meow the Star Spangled Banner.

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