Sunday, December 21, 2014

Half a Carload

My friend Burke is possibly the greatest human being of our generation. A couple of weeks ago we were talking about how I needed to move for the eleventy millionth time in the last ten years and how much I was dreading the task.

Because you guys. Moving is the absolute worst thing in the history of all worst things lists in the history of the world. It is worse than camping and Glee and when you open the car door and snow from the roof falls down your shirt.

MOVING IS LIKE GOING CAMPING IN THE WINTER WITH THE ENTIRE CAST OF GLEE. Except you also have lift heavy things.

Well, as I was complaining to Burke and pondering how it is that I have conducted my life in such a way that has caused me to have to move between 1 and 4 times a year, every year, for an entire decade, Burke offered his help.

He told me that he had the day off on the coming Friday, that I should take the day off as well, and that we should use his truck to transport my entire apartment of stuff to my new house, effectively getting all of the moving done in one day.

Burke more than lived up to his incredibly generous offer. He showed up first thing in the morning and helped me navigate my heavy furniture into and out of elevators and down long and windy hallways. We took several loads of my personal items in his truck and unloaded them into my house across town. It took the vast majority of the day, and when it was over, I was already writing the holy scripture off of which I am going to base an entire religion on worshiping Burke.

I'm currently spending my life savings having all of the stars in the universe be officially called variations of his name.

For the rest of my life, I'm going to do exactly what he asks of me. Unless he asks me to get a pet snake or wake up early to train for the Ironman with him.

SOME PRICES ARE TOO HIGH.

After we had taken the last load of heavy furniture, Burke suggested that we go back to the apartment to get the rest of the smaller items that were still there. I declined the offer, suggesting to him that he had done too much already and that I could get the rest of the things in half a carload anyway.

We parted ways.

You guys. That was NINE days ago. That half a carload? Look. I knew my spacial (spatial?) reasoning has never been one of my strongest qualities. When they used to have you guess how many marbles were in the jar in elementary school in order to get a prize, I would always write down something like "fourteen million!" and then the answer would end up being 70.

Is that even spacial reasoning? Or is that a different skill I'm bad at?

WELL THAT'S HOW BAD I AM AT SPACIAL REASONING. I don't even know what spatial reasoning is! OR HOW TO SPELL IT! Seriously, is it spatial or spacial? WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME!

And I certainly did not have an accurate concept of how much stuff was still in my apartment when I told Burke that I only had half a carload left because I have now loaded my vehicle to maximum capacity FOUR times to take additional loads to my new house. By the time I get the load there, I am too tired to sift through it, so I dump the disorganized boxes full of plungers and eggs into a back bedroom to be sorted out later.

And every time I fill my car up all the way, I look around at what is left in the apartment and think to myself, "ok. Looks like just half a carload left now. I'll come back and get this later."

I think my belongings are multiplying and replenishing the apartment while I'm gone.

Either that or Rebecca is sneaking in and leaving handfuls of junk there during the day.

Whatever is happening, the anticipated quick move is turning into an eternal process.

I remember so well the days of being able to load every single thing I owned into one car.

Does anyone have any connections with those people from Hoarders?

~It Just Gets Stranger

20 comments:

  1. I knew you had more than you thought....time to dejunk! Your sisters could help you out there! And don't forget that you still have a large closet full of stuff at my place too. :) I have now stored it for you for eleventy years! :)

    Xoxoxo

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    1. Is this Cathie??

      -Not Cathie

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  2. I actually do have a friend who is a professional organizer/hoarder savior! Most of her clients have cats. She recently described her process of "disinfecting herself" to me - cause cats pee and stuff all up in that hoarded business. And she never wears gloves/masks/hazmat suits so as to not make people feel bad. So....if you need a hand with your cat hoarding situation, I can hook you up and guarantee she's sanitary (even if your home isn't)! And she won't even make you feel bad about it! It's a win-win-win.

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  3. it's even worse with dogs

    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dogs-dont-understand-basic-concepts.html

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    1. love hyperboleandahalf - waiting to buy her second book...

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  4. Oh Eli. I feel your pain. We moved twice in the space of a week... With our five kids and dog. We moved to the house we thought we bought on Saturday with a uhaul and a bunch of friends helping. We moved back the next Sunday, with professional movers and us frantically trying to erase any evidence of our existence from the second house. That was in August. We still haven't unpacked all the boxes.

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    1. I think we need more of this story! LOL!

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    2. Yes please. So.....you guys moved into the wrong house?? How does this happen? More story please.

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  5. I'm not trying to autocorrect you, I promise. But it's spelled spatial not spacial. I know this because...well that's how it's spelled (lol, sorry just teasing), but also because my son and I score in the 97th to 99th percentile when it comes to it. Yes I'm bragging, but just to counter the bragging, we sucked really bad when tested on verbal and social skills...cause we're nerds. Anyway, spatial reasoning (also known as abstract reasoning), basically is the ability to visualize with the mind's eye. It's why we're good at art, puzzles, working with computers, navigating, building, etc...

    I know you weren't really asking the definition, but I'm bored at work and had nothing better to do. So there. And now I've wasted about 30-60 seconds of your time just reading this, and there's nothing any of you can do about... And who knows...maybe I'll do it again. That's right, you can't stop me...I'm on a rampage...I'm out of control. And maybe later...I may drink expired milk...that's right, you can't stop me...I'm a wild man.

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    1. For you, Lee, I made some special edits. Or is spetial?

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    2. Wooo thanks, cause for a while there it was really touch and go. Now I feel better.

      :)

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    3. I feel like Lee and Eli have a very special relationship.

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  6. It was two years in September that we moved into our house...we still have boxes, and are still living like we just moved in. Godspeed, sir.

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  7. I feel your pain, I gave a deadline of this weekend to just get all my crap to the new place...even cut off power to the old place...had to call the power company this morning to turn it back on cause "one more car load"

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  9. Someday I'll show you my garage... and really by someday I mean probably never since I don't actually know you and I live in the armpit of Washington state... but...I moved into my new place in April.... half if my garage is boxes full of things...

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  10. I can totally relate to this post! When I moved to the house I live in now, I thought I could do it all with a couple of quick trips in my tiny car and maybe one truck to move the big furniture. The day I moved, I had 11 people show up and we filled all of their cars, some multiple times to get everything. And I only have enough stuff to fill a bedroom now. I can't remember what I did when I had an entire apartment!

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  11. Agreed, moving house is possibly the worst form of torture known to mankind. I feel your pain after and if I lived any closer and was dedicated to the cause of improving mankind... I probably still would not offer to help. I hate moving that much!!!

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  12. http://www.buzzfeed.com/bradesposito/new-house?s=mobile

    Thought you could relate ��

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  13. I will be moving in May from a 1300 square foot apartment to a considerably smaller cabin. I feel your pain.

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